So, this summer I consciously experimented with going non-verbal, at least for most days, except for the required interactions. It has helped my recovery from burnout. I got back in touch with my mind and body, my emotions, and that has been good.

Why non-verbal?

I needed to reconnect with what that felt like. For a number of years ( my life until now) I've had anxiety around speaking. It always felt traumatic, there was some tight ball of grief and anger inside and I didn't know why it was there. Why would speaking make you angry? It wasn't something I could answer even with a therapist when I was diagnosed with C-PTSD, which I currently have.

But this week this ball of anger loosened itself and came out, as if it were a stone stuck in my ribcage. I didn't cry but let the feeling flow and fade out of me until it was just gone. I feel this empty, warm space inside my soul now where it has been. It's how it actually physically feels.

I'd been sifting through myself and psychologicaly purging (removing all the built up emotions and personalities and behaviours I pick up) this Summer when the #TakeTheMaskOff campaign began.

I thought "oh, what luck" when I'm just now realising and accepting I'm autistic, there's this thing I can learn from and share things. So I have via Twitter and here. I've enjoyed it. But I never expected it to help me in this particular way.

A few days ago a Behaviourist grad student followed me on Twitter, I check everyone's profile of who follows me, and I blocked them but not before seeing the old ABA slogan:

"Ignore non-cummunicative behaviour".

It's this phrase that set me off, that kicked out the stone.

My mom earned her BA in Behavioural Science. She studied it because she was curious about human behaviour, it is really only one class different from Psychology.

In the early 1990's Behaviouraliam was touting a new way to parent, using time-outs, positive reinforcement and ignoring unwanted behaviours as an alternative to beating children. I believe in non-violent parenting, and this approach benefited my mom and many others who grew up in violent homes, except for one or two things. Ideas concerning compliance and motivation and of course ignoring. I wish to scream this:

NEVER IGNORE YOUR CHILD'S BEHAVIOUR

I wish to repeat this several more times:

ALL BEHAVIOUR IS COMMUNICATION

When you ignore your child's natural way of communication, you pull the ground out from under their feet, you cement anxiety in them. Children Trust You. When what they thought was a solid relationship is broken, they will have trust issues for life. You're the one inhibiting communication.

I feel our society has been trained purposefully to ignore cries for help and and most things a suicide preventionist would tell you to watch for, because we've been told at a young age that it's for attention and we should ignore all negative behaviour in ourselves and with each other.

Many autistic children go through a period when verbal speech isn't there or it may not come. During my period of life for this when I verbally babbled but communicated primarily through dance and body gestures (I still speak with my entire body even while verbal) I defaulted to just the body gestures and dance.

I wasn't babbling/talking and this disturbed my mom. So she and the other adults at the time went with the idea that if they ignored my non-verbal behaviour, despite the fact that they understood it perfectly well, it would "encourage" me to speak. Because everyone must learn to speak to survive, was the idea.

What people don't realise is that it is the disabled person doing the work in these types of scenarios, not the parent.

When you impose this sort of situation it is the child forcing themselves to do the task,the task is a boulder, not a helper. You are forcing this mental and emotional labour and burden, without consent.

Speaking Feels Like Vomiting Sharp Rocks.

I had disassociated myself from that feeling without realising it for so many years. I disassociate in order to ignore the very physical pain of it, of coordinating throat muscles and breathing.

But the trauma that was caused was so bad that I had blocked it out.

When your loved ones stop communicating to you, ignoring you and your needs with no explanation? How does that make one feel as an adult, let alone a small child?

Confusion, Panic, Betrayal, Desperation, Anger, Frustration.

It was out of these feelings I forced myself to speak, desperate for contact.

But it set up a wall inside between me and people. My self-esteem plummeted, my sense of trust gone and anger and anxiety triggered at the thought of speech.

Anger and anxiety made their home when I started speaking.

Fear took over. All of my energy went toward speaking, and I became disconnected from my body. I lost my ability to dance, to sommersault and other physical activities. I had formal dance training when I was older but it was never the same.

Trauma and Anger

Understanding why this approach was taken doesn't remove the feeling, it's not directed at my mom because I for one know it would have been much worse if I'd been forced through being beaten and things like that.

But it is a grieving process for me. I feel if I could have started speaking on my own terms it wouldn't have left me so disassociative and disconnected. But what ifs are life.

For years I slowly had been piecing together that I had these underlying feelings. I have strong empathy with others but my own feelings take longer to decipher at times. I've had to teach myself and learn through meditation.

This particular feeling of trauma had been bubbling up in the last month, all those suppressed emotions. But in that moment of seeing that slogan I knew why and I confronted that feeling. I acknowledged that pain and it slowly slipped out and away as I described, like a boulder lodged between my ribs.

I'd like to say I'm at peace now, I could say that I now have more peace from this process and experience. The residual anger is gone, the anxiety about speaking, I don't feel it any more and after these months of resting my voice, of letting go and regaining some control, I think I've gained a few things.

But I will never think that denying the soul, that behaviourism or any other "aba lite" derivative practice is the answer to countering the belief for a need for physical violence in parenting. Inducing emotional and psychological violence is just as horrendous.

Violence of any kind in parenting isn't necessary at all. Ending the militaristic style of parenting with it's focus on control and dominance, compliance and force rather than understanding and compassion, is the crucial step toward creating a society with patience and empathy.

After this I think I can love and trust people again or at least I will try to slowly.

Most people mask to fit in better or in order to conform to social norms, but autistic masking is different. It often requires great focus and concentration as the autistic person works in overdrive, working to compensate in areas that are much less problematic for non-autistic individuals.

Masking can be a tool, used to get an autistic person through difficult situations. Nearly everyone masks to some degree. I tend to compartmentalize things. Growing up I had the “school me” (nick-named Kat) and the “home me”. As an adult, I have the “professional me” and the “home me”.

Some ways I mask as an autistic person:

Preparing myself to be “on” – almost as if on stage, often my mask is engaging and overly friendly.

Hiding confusion – I’ll figure it out later or let it go. Maybe I misunderstood or misheard. A nod and a smile does wonders to keep a conversation moving.

Correcting my posture – I tend to hunch forward and curl my arms in close to my body near my chest (a bit like a t-rex), especially if I’m cold. It’s not the way I stand if I need to “look competent” but it is comfortable.

Calculated fake eye-contact – People expect you to look at them when you talk to them and when they talk to you.  Normally I look at the mouth but my mother used to tell me to look at her nose.

Being still & quiet – I tend to narrate my life and tend to talk myself though things (out loud) if I’m relaxed. I also have a body that needs to be in motion. I can be still and quiet for a little while, but eventually the energy builds and needs a release.

Pretending everything is alright – even if I’m feeling physically ill or uncomfortable. “I’m fine.” “I’m okay.” “Everything is good.” + smile & nod once again

    Masking during conversations is even more work:

Monitoring my tone and facial expression – Things I learned in the wonderful world of customer services. “How am I expected to react in this situation?” “Remember to keep smiling.” “Look happy – not TOO happy.”

Trying not to talk too much, or too little – sometimes I don’t know when to stop. “Should I say something?” “Is it worth it?” When I get worried I’m talking to much I may shut down and try to fade into the background.

Focusing on timing in conversations – I tend to get quiet when I’m masking because I become overly worried about interrupting people and talking out of turn. My mind is often missing the conversation in front of me while I worry over when/if I should chime in. “Is that person finished talking?” “Is it my turn?” “Should I say something?” “Should I wait?” “What if I wait too long and the conversation changes directions?”

Focusing on not repeating myself – Sometimes I get stuck in little speech loops and repeat myself without even realizing it. If I’m mindful and take my time, I can avoid this (most of the time).

Acting engaged when I’ve spaced out – Sometimes my very visual and racing brain may have wandered someplace else, especially if the topic of conversation is uninteresting. When I catch myself I may snap back to reality and quickly force myself back into the present conversation hoping nobody witnessed my mind floating away.

  Many late diagnosed autistics are expert maskers. We mask so much it can become automatic. Little by little, we learn to stop doing things that adults and others around us find strange or socially unacceptable. Masking is not intended to be deceptive and often develops naturally as a survival strategy. Camouflaging (sometimes called passing) is exhausting. It calls for constant effort and concentration.

Autistic people with well-developed masks may do better in certain situations compared to autistics without masking skills. Still, masking may come with a heavy cost, leading to physical exhaustion, anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and burnout. The mask can breed self-loathing, leading the wearer to believe the unmasked person is somehow damaged, flawed, or broken.

Over the next few weeks all over the internet autistic people will be sharing their experiences with masking using the tag #TakeTheMaskOff, with hopes of spreading awareness and information about this important and under-discussed topic. I hope you will join us. It’s time to #TakeTheMaskOff.

The subject for week 1 is: “What is masking? What it’s like to wear the mask.”

Masking is trying to appear “less autistic.” Masking is watching and copying the behaviors and speech patterns of neurotypical people in order to blend in and avoid drawing attention to yourself. Masking is difficult and draining.

I’ve been masking so long that sometimes I forget how to “take the mask off.” My masking is obvious to those who pay close attention because I’m mimicking the hand gestures, slang, and vocabulary of either people I’m often around or of characters/celebrities that I like.