#tagarelice

I don't feel like going into detail on why I stopped rn but basically trying to turn it into a professional job ruined it for me and I discovered too late that I was always more of a hobbyist when it comes to art. Then a combination of several burnouts one after another and now what used to be something I did every other day is something I only do every 4 or 5 months now. And even then it's just a bunch of sketches with my OCs and nothing else. It's been that way for 3 years now and counting. And as a "fun" addition: what I've suspected to be tendinitis for a long time has recently (a week ago, in fact) developed into carpal tunnel syndrome, which is mainly thanks to my job, but that's still going to turn into an issue 🥴 I have to type this slowly than I usually do

So anyway! I've stated before that "I know my heart and soul is a writer". Why's that? Because I need you to know that's exactly what I wanted to be before I even considered doing drawings as my main thing. It started when I was 7 y/o, but around that time is also when I was writing my own stories and poems (!). I was then influenced to draw more thanks to this children's comic series, and doing comics was an amazing discovery because it gave me the epiphany (that I still remember clearly to this day) that I could combine two of my favorite things with comics: drawing and writing. I actually drew a shitton of comics during all of my pre-puberscent and teenage years — often 4-panel strips and occasionally some longer than 10 pages — which I felt more comfortable doing on paper than digitally, which is why most of you didn't see me doing comics much lol (I'm sorry?). What's funny is that even when I started doing more illustrations digitally I'd still have lots of files where I scribble characters with speech bubbles, often accompanied with a short story of them. Doing simple illustrations never... felt right to me? Of course I enjoyed doing some of them when I had the mood, but it's not something I could do exclusively, y'know?

I have a mini notebook I use for my sketches now and I had a sensible chuckle moment when I realized that every page or two there's some shenanigans with my characters speaking to each other or to themselves. It's never more than 2 pages without a comic strip.

Once I attempted to turn a would-be game passion project into a book, and doing so almost made me tear up because holy shit... simply writing my characters speaking and doing actions felt so much more relaxing and comfortable than spending time drawing them. Actually wait that reminds me, this also feels like a logical explanation on why I hate coloring and shading lmao or drawing backgrounds sometimes. I swear I've attempted to enjoy doing it many times but I just can't. What I enjoy about drawing is that I get to physically see a visual image of what's stuck in my head. And that's enough for me! Obviously I understand that a full render makes the drawing stand out or pop more, BUT my intention behind this post is to explain I was never a "true artist" in the first place. So to be completely and brutally honest? I don't give a shit about all that.

Hm. You could argue I'm being mean for saying I was never a "true artist". But that's something I tend to think about whenever I see how my fav artists work on their illustrations. There's one who, despite having a simple artstyle, is almost always working on some cool illustration with lots of details and cool shading in them, even doing concept art or reference sheet for their characters. It gives me the moment of realization everytime that I never truly loved doing art. I enjoy it, but it's not love. Because I can't imagine myself bothering to do all that, so I just end up sitting here respecting and admiring those who do, in the same way I do musicians.

Anyway, this is intrinsically a vent post, and I'm primarily sharing my own experiences so I understand there may be lots of people with an opposite experience than mine — in fact I know two of them! Shoutouts to the writers who enjoy drawing more or wish they were a full-time artist instead. The beauty of human nature is that we all have our unique experiences and feelings to the things we make or are capable of making. I'm pushing 30s now (6 months left already?? damn) and I have a job that sucks all the energy out of me so I barely have time or motivation for hobbies. Truth is, whenever I'm able I still enjoy writing down some info of my OCs and details about their backstory and plot of the setting they're in. When I'm tired af I'm often brainstorming.