#tag12qsofchristmasday7

There were some press rumours a month or so ago which I kinda tried to ignore because I wasn’t quite sure what I wanted to say yet. And I got some really sweet and very perceptive asks (as well as some rather unkind and misinformed ones) about it all too which I haven’t replied to as yet but I did read them. The last thing I want to do is give the impression that this kind of thing is something to be ashamed of or embarrassed by or that anyone should hesitate to do the same if they need to.

Alright then.

Late last year, I finally started a journey to recover from some… things… I experienced a long time ago. I visited a specialist team of psychiatrists and created a treatment plan designed to address the way those particular experiences continue to impact my wellbeing.

My mental health has been - subpar. Not in a way that affects too much externally (except for my family sometimes). It would be false modesty to suggest I’m not extremely high achieving - believe me I make sure I do what I do well. But as I would fervently tell anyone else, any of you - just because the pain is hidden inside you, doesn’t mean it doesn’t matter. Your own peace and happiness and self-worth are equally as important as anything else - your own value is more than just what you can give to or be for other people.

Took me a while to realise that applies to me too.

Because trying to make everything ok is what I do - I’m rather good at it most of the time. And making life better for other people in the big ways and little ways, well - it gives me meaning and purpose. It makes me happy.

And yet… I would hate anyone else to neglect themselves in favour of trying to save everyone else. So it’s more than a bit hypocritical for me to pretend the rules are different for me.

It’s taken me way too long, and I have to say the longer you leave it the harder it gets because after a while the pretending it’s all fine becomes a part of you, y’know? And admitting I needed help felt like accepting defeat - that I wasn’t strong enough to manage things by myself and look after everyone else, exactly as I had been told all those years ago.

Going through that door was… well it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

But what helped was letting myself believe in the possibility that my loved ones wanted me to have chance to heal not just because me being a bit broken was hurting them - that never tipped the scales because the risks of making myself vulnerable and messing everything up even more always seemed greater than the cost of just locking it away better, trying harder not to let it affect them - but that they wanted me to do it because they loved me despite the brokenness and wanted me to be well. To live without struggling unnecessarily, without believing lies about myself that hurt me.

I’ve only taken the first little step so far. I know much harder ones are to come. In some ways it’s objectively not a huge amount to have achieved but I’m sharing it because I want anyone else who needs to do it to know I get it and I believe in you. You don’t just need to keep pushing, to keep working harder, to keep lying to yourself, to keep yelling at yourself.

You are not disqualified from being worth the time and effort. I thought I was… but if I can start to believe that’s not true, I hope that you can too.