#powscott

To the sender of the first message - thank you. And I am so sorry that you know of what you speak but really pleased to hear of your progress. I have to say that your words were a huge encouragement to me when I was considering whether or not to go ahead and I have read them many times since. I apologise I have only just now found myself able to respond. If you ever wanted to have a coffee sometime, I mean if it would be helpful to you of course, then I wouldn’t be averse to that.

And to you other folks who sent support - thank you. Your friends and families are fortunate indeed to have someone as kind as you in their lives.

To the others - here are the facts you so desperately crave but which I share because I want to and because it is nothing to be ashamed of and because I think I am ready to rather than because of your mean spirited correspondence:

Yes, I am receiving a course of multidisciplinary treatment at a center which specialises in assisting those who are unlucky enough to have spent any amount of time held captive by a regime whose methods of interrogation not only breached every word of the Geneva Convention but also fell below the worst expectations of the most pessimistic military strategists the world had to offer at the time.

As the above has taken me three hours to write and nearly ten years to even be able acknowledge to myself without quite negative wellbeing consequences, I hope you will forgive me if I don’t elaborate any further as to what precisely that entails or entailed.

No it isn’t easy.

Yes I wish I had done it sooner.

Yes I think it is probably worse the longer you leave it. Kinda like having to dig through a loada badly healed scar tissue to get at the sneaky but persistent infection underneath.

Yes I would 100% recommend nobody follows my example in thinking time is all you need to recover from something that haunts you, or that you just need to be stronger or braver or that you don’t have time… or in failing to believe you are worth the effort, or by supposing you don’t deserve to fully recover from something that hurt you.

Just because you are doing a fine, even a great job at life, it doesn’t mean your inner struggle isn’t important.

And if you can’t bring yourself to do it for you right now, do it for your loved ones who want you to be well. Do it because they deserve your best. Do it because the people who hurt you do not deserve to have the final say. Justice demands you evict them and their lies from your head.

Ha sorry to disappoint but the only kind of example I’m trying to be is of a human being who does his best but has strengths and weaknesses and positive and negative experiences like any other human. That ain’t always very shiny. The fact you happen to know my name doesn’t mean I don’t find some things hard, or that I would find it any easier to reveal something painful to an unknown audience. I am sorry that is disappointing to you but it is what it is.

I hope my record of work both as Commander of International Rescue and CEO of Tracy Industries speaks for itself as to whether I am capable or “stable” enough to carry out both roles. If you do have any specific concerns about my performance on a specific occasion please do send to the appropriate feedback address: [email protected] or [email protected] and it will be dealt with accordingly.

Now that’s dealt with I’m gonna get some of this Nashville BBQ stuff to go, get myself home and sit in the sunshine surrounded by my family for a li’l while.

There were some press rumours a month or so ago which I kinda tried to ignore because I wasn’t quite sure what I wanted to say yet. And I got some really sweet and very perceptive asks (as well as some rather unkind and misinformed ones) about it all too which I haven’t replied to as yet but I did read them. The last thing I want to do is give the impression that this kind of thing is something to be ashamed of or embarrassed by or that anyone should hesitate to do the same if they need to.

Alright then.

Late last year, I finally started a journey to recover from some… things… I experienced a long time ago. I visited a specialist team of psychiatrists and created a treatment plan designed to address the way those particular experiences continue to impact my wellbeing.

My mental health has been - subpar. Not in a way that affects too much externally (except for my family sometimes). It would be false modesty to suggest I’m not extremely high achieving - believe me I make sure I do what I do well. But as I would fervently tell anyone else, any of you - just because the pain is hidden inside you, doesn’t mean it doesn’t matter. Your own peace and happiness and self-worth are equally as important as anything else - your own value is more than just what you can give to or be for other people.

Took me a while to realise that applies to me too.

Because trying to make everything ok is what I do - I’m rather good at it most of the time. And making life better for other people in the big ways and little ways, well - it gives me meaning and purpose. It makes me happy.

And yet… I would hate anyone else to neglect themselves in favour of trying to save everyone else. So it’s more than a bit hypocritical for me to pretend the rules are different for me.

It’s taken me way too long, and I have to say the longer you leave it the harder it gets because after a while the pretending it’s all fine becomes a part of you, y’know? And admitting I needed help felt like accepting defeat - that I wasn’t strong enough to manage things by myself and look after everyone else, exactly as I had been told all those years ago.

Going through that door was… well it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

But what helped was letting myself believe in the possibility that my loved ones wanted me to have chance to heal not just because me being a bit broken was hurting them - that never tipped the scales because the risks of making myself vulnerable and messing everything up even more always seemed greater than the cost of just locking it away better, trying harder not to let it affect them - but that they wanted me to do it because they loved me despite the brokenness and wanted me to be well. To live without struggling unnecessarily, without believing lies about myself that hurt me.

I’ve only taken the first little step so far. I know much harder ones are to come. In some ways it’s objectively not a huge amount to have achieved but I’m sharing it because I want anyone else who needs to do it to know I get it and I believe in you. You don’t just need to keep pushing, to keep working harder, to keep lying to yourself, to keep yelling at yourself.

You are not disqualified from being worth the time and effort. I thought I was… but if I can start to believe that’s not true, I hope that you can too.