#t-raewrites

By the time you hear the van’s loud, misfiring exhaust, you’re sitting on the front porch steps, your backpack beside you, wearing your worn denim jeans and flannel. You sit with your elbows on your knees, holding onto each of your arms to keep warm. It's officially September, and the air has a certain chill to it now, the previous warmth of Summer leaving behind a bitter, empty cool.

You watch the dirt road with eager eyes. It's been days since you've heard from them, since they left you behind to take on the Super Shredder. The O'Neil's bright yellow van eases into view and your heart jumps up into your throat. You try to swallow it back down, willing your nerves to steady themselves in preparation for the difficult conversation that lies ahead.

You stand to your feet, gently nudging your backpack away with a foot while tugging the sleeves of your flannel over your numbed hands--partially from the cold, partially from your racing heart. The van stops a short distance away from the house, and your eyes meet Leo’s from behind the windshield. He's gripping the steering wheel, a fearful expression on his face, and for a moment you worry that one of the brothers is hurt. You take an anxious step forward, then Raph, Donnie, and Mikey pile out of the left side of the van. You sigh in relief, watching all three stretch and groan about the long car ride. Your attention flicks back to Leo as he steps out, his eyes locked on yours while he closes the door slowly. Immediately, you notice he's covered in bruises and scrapes, but the worst of it shows on the front of his plastron--there are two large gauges out of the front of his plastron, running from the center of his chest out over his shoulder, and your stomach drops at the sight, immediately recognizing the wound as the work of the Super Shredder. You fight the urge to run to him, reminding yourself of the last few, miserable, lonely days being abandoned by him at the farmhouse. He went against everything he promised you, forcing you to wait helplessly for them to come back for you, leaving you wondering if they would even make it out alive. You had every right to be a part of this final battle, having received Master Splinter's blessing and initiation into the Hamato clan before he passed, but Leo decided all on his own to cut you out. One moment, you're falling asleep safe in his arms, and the next, you're waking up completely alone.

The brothers are all quiet now. Raph, Mikey, and Donnie shuffle away from the van, Raph sparing a sharp glance at their brother in blue. As you switch your attention to the three turtles walking toward you, Leonardo's eyes burn against your skin. You ignore him and soften your expression to greet his brothers, each battered and bruised from their visibly violent mission. “Hey guys,” you say, feeling tears well up. The anxious weight on your chest partially lifts at seeing their smiling faces turn to you.

Mikey’s bottom lip quivers, and he suddenly frowns, quickly closing the distance to embrace you emotionally. “We’re so sorry!” He cries out. “We didn’t want to leave you behind! But Leo didn't give us a choice!” 

You fight back a fresh wave of emotions, giving Mikey a tight squeeze before motioning for the other two to join in. Donnie bashfully reaches his arms around you and his youngest brother, and Raph mumbles something under his breath as he leans in and wraps his arms around you all.

“I’m so glad you’re all okay,” you say, sighing with relief. You tighten your arms around them before letting them go.

“The Shredder is dead!” Mikey yells out, swapping his frown for a triumphant grin.

"Yeah, it's true," Raph confirms. "He's gone for good."

"It wasn't easy, but we managed," Donnie adds.

Your stomach drops, and you swallow the lump in your throat. “That’s amazing,” you say quietly, looking at each of them, trying not to stare too long at their bruises.

“It’s good to see you again,” Donnie says, his voice quiet and almost hesitant. "As Mikey already said, we didn't choose to leave you behind."

“Yeah, what Don said,” Raph says, giving you a small shrug of his shoulder, but you can tell from the small smile on his face that he's genuinely happy to see you. A band tightens around your chest as you watch Raph's eyes shift from you to his brother still standing beside the van. Raphael glares at him for a long moment before quietly saying, "He's an idiot for leaving you behind."

        Mikey was the one to pick you up back in the city, which completely surprised you. He explained that all three of his brothers pitched in on teaching him how to drive over the last few months. Coming to pick you up is the first unsupervised drive he’s been allowed to go on, and he was incredibly proud to show you his newest skill. Mikey explained that they’ve been staying at the farmhouse kind of off and on, with the city so quiet lately, and that it’s been nice being able to visit Master Splinter's resting place. You ask how he’s doing with all of that, with missing his father and how this is their first Christmas without him, and he shrugs, making a brief comment about how he will miss the hot chocolate Splinter would always make them, before he brushes it off and jumps excitedly into how his three brothers are doing. Raph has an occasional outburst, but is otherwise doing fine, and Donnie seems to be a bit quieter than normal, but Leo disappears for long walks out in the woods, rain or shine–which they all know is him spending time at Splinter’s grave. No one can blame him for that, but the one thing that catches you off guard–that even now, while you’re shoveling snow, you can’t stop thinking about–is when Michelangelo’s tone quickly shifted afterwards.

        “We can’t blame him for that,” Mikey said, gripping the steeringwheel a bit tighter, “but what we do blame him for is leaving you behind while we faced the Shredder.” He glances over at you, his freckled cheeks rosy from the cold, his chin resting on the fluffy orange scarf he’s wearing–one of the many layers he’s under to keep warm. “I would never do something like that to you.” 

        You had said a polite thank you, but something about his tone makes you frown even now. And the way he said that last part, the ‘I would never do something like that to you,’ made you feel a bit uncomfortable. It was strange the way he said it, like he was trying to imply deeper feelings behind it, but you had quickly changed the topic, trying to restore the lighthearted conversation of before. And while the conversation continued to flow normally after, that strange feeling didn’t go away for the entire last hour of your ride to the farmhouse. 

        When you took that first step into the foyer, Donnie and Raph practically tackled you, exclaiming how happy they were to finally see you again. Raph scolded you for being a stranger, not visiting the lair to see them, and Donnie says he can’t wait to show you the new projects he’s been working on, saying he thinks you’ll like them. You grinned at both brothers, squeezing them tightly in a hug, saying how happy you were to see them all. And before you could ask, Raph told you their ‘fearless leader in blue’ was visiting Splinter's grave again, which surprisingly made you relax a bit, knowing you wouldn’t immediately have to face him. Though it didn’t take long for your nervousness to settle back in. Sitting on the couch, in front of the crackling fireplace, you studied the colorful Christmas tree while the three boys asked you questions about what it’s like working for Karai and Shinigami–they both had to stay behind due to their reinforcements from Japan not having arrived on time as they had hoped. You wonder if they made the excuse on purpose, just to get you here with the turtles alone, but you don’t dwell on it. It was nice, catching up with the brothers, but after an hour or so, you realized your leg was bouncing with nerves, and you were starting to pull threads out of the hem of your off-white sweater, nervously awaiting Leo’s return. You asked them if they had a shovel, your excuse to get outside and do something. Raph tried to protest, saying he’d go out there and shovel, and it took you a while to convince him, but you insisted you needed the fresh air. Then Mikey, Raph, and Donnie all fussed over making sure you stayed warm. You couldn’t help but laugh, assuring them you were entirely warm-blooded and would not freeze in the time it takes you to shovel a path, but here you are, perfectly cozy in their gear, shoveling the beautiful snow in silence. 

        You exhale, watching your breath turn white, the steam melting the snowflakes from your lashes. You’re thankful they let you borrow their winter gear to come out here and shovel, and though it’s a bit big on you, Raph’s fleece-lined jacket (despite you telling him you had your own coat, he insisted his would be warmer), Donnie’s knit hat, Mikey’s fluffy scarf, and your own fleece gloves keep you a balmy temperature while the freezing air twirls snow around you. The wind isn’t too bad, just a gust here and there, and in the dimly lit yard with the sun already below the horizon, you feel content. Peaceful even. You were worried being back at the farmhouse would only remind you of the three lonliest days of your life, but you’re relived to find that you can still make new memories here. And then, you hear the subtle swish of footsteps from behind, and your heart jumps to your throat as you quickly spin around. 

        A large, dark figure stands just off the shoveled path, hooded, their face covered in shadow, and before you can think, you’re swinging the shovel with a shriek. It collides with the figure’s face–or rather, their forearm, which they’d jerked up at the last second to catch the brunt of the blow–and they lose their balance, falling back into the bank of snow, sending puffs of white up into the air. 

        “Get back!” You yell, swinging the shovel up, threatening to bring it back down. “I’m warning you, I–” 

        “It’s me!” The figure yells, throwing their hands out. 

        You step closer to take a look at their face, but your combat boots are too packed with snow to grip the surface, and you slip, face-planting on top of the figure with a loud oof! You sit up, meeting ocean eyes behind a blue mask, and your stomach flips. “Leo,” you say with a gasp. He smiles at you, a sweet, happy smile, and you swear your heart stops for a moment. 

        “Hi,” he says, the warm glow of the barn lights catching in his eyes. 

        “Hi,” you say, too stunned to respond with anything else. 

        “You dyed your hair,” he says, noticing the different colored strands peaking out of your hat and scarf. 

        You blink at him, feeling a stir in the pit of your stomach. Shinigami suggested the change for you during your first week staying with her and Karai. She said it was something people often did when they needed to feel like they had a fresh start. “I did,” you say, watching those blue eyes you so missed. 

        “It looks good on you.”

        Leo smiles then, a small, polite smile, and you try to swallow your nerves down. You stay like that for a brief moment, taking in his features for the first time in months. But then an embarrassing jolt of energy bursts through you, and you quickly push off of him, stuttering to find something to say. 

        Leo sits up, watching you a second before standing, dusting the snow off of his large coat, the fur-lined hood dropping to his shoulders. 

        “S-Sorry,” you say quickly, gesturing to the shovel in the snow. “You startled me, and I didn’t recognize you right away! I’ve never seen you in so many layers before.” 

        He chuckles, bending down to grab the shovel and returning it to you. “You’ve gotten stronger.” 

        You smile, despite your frazzled nerves, and take the shovel from him. “Thanks,” you answer. “I’ve been training.” 

        “You’ve been training hitting people with shovels?” He smirks, a glimmer in his eyes. 

        You laugh a little, thankful for his joking tone. “No,” you say with a shake of your head. You finally have a chance to take in his appearance: Leo’s wearing a dark gray knit hat, a blue scarf that matches his mask, an oversized dark jacket with a fur-lined hood, and denim jeans, which are now covered in snow. You scrunch your nose, bewildered. “You’re wearing pants?” 

        Leo laughs then, rubbing the back of his neck with a mittened hand. “Yeah, it’s cold out here,” he says. 

        “Sorry,” you say, apologizing for your bluntness. 

        “No, it’s fine,” he says quickly. There’s a moment of silence, and his expression drops into something more serious as he says with sincerity, “I’m sorry.” 

        He looks into your eyes with such an intense honesty that you feel your heart start to race. You open your mouth to speak, but no words come out. Leo lets out a quiet breath. 

        “It’s okay, you know,” he says, his voice hushed. “If you can’t ever forgive me. I would understand if you never wanted to see me again after what I did.” 

        His words punch through you, sapping the heat right from your bones. “No, I do,” you rush out. Leo looks at you questioningly, and you stumble over your words, “I do want to see you. I mean, I– I did want to see you again. I just… I don’t know, I…” 

        “I hurt you,” he says, finishing your thought gently. 

        You pause, looking over at the streak of light coming out from the barn. “Yes,” you say. 

        Leo steps out of the snow and into the shoveled path, standing just a short distance away, and you meet his gaze again. 

        “I know,” he says, his voice quiet as he studies your eyes. “I missed you,” he admits, but almost immediately begins doubling back. “Sorry if that was too much! I-I just meant that, well, I– Well, I did miss you, but I don’t want you to feel like you have to say it back if you don’t–” 

        “I missed you, too,” you admit softly. 

        Leo freezes, his chest filling with a warmth he was afraid he would never feel again. He can’t believe you came, that you’re really here. He fights the urge to embrace you, not knowing if you’d be willing, and wanting to give you as much space as you need. He’s been meditating day and night, focusing on letting go of his habit to try and control his environment–and the people in it–but not just to prove he’s better for you, to also improve as a leader. Since Leo chose to leave you behind from that final fight, it’s fractured his relationship with his brothers, with the whole team, and he’s determined to make things right, no matter how many months or years that may take. “Are you headed inside soon?” Leo asks. 

        “Yeah, I just wanted to finish this one strip here,” you say, gesturing up to the barn. “Then Donnie can have a clear path to and from the house.” 

        “That’s kind of you,” he says. He stands there a moment, just studying your face, thankful he gets to see it again, but when he realizes he’s been staring, he startles. “Okay, so–uh, I’ll see you in the house then?” 

        “Yes,” you say, trying not to laugh at his sudden flustered state. 

        “Right, yeah, of course I’ll see you in the house.” Leo lets out a nervous chuckle, then abruptly turns on his heels and heads inside. That was the dumbest line ever, he thinks, rolling his eyes. 

        You cover your mouth, hiding a giggle behind your gloved hand at seeing him trip on the last step, stumbling up to the door. You wonder if all of the clothes and layers makes him feel out of place or if he really is just that nervous to see you again. Leo pauses a moment, then walks into the house. Once the door is shut, you can’t help your laughter. It releases the tension in your shoulders, and a warmth spreads through your chest. “Wow,” you whisper to yourself. “I really did miss him.” Your heart races at saying it out loud, and your eyes go wide, turning back to the task at hand with a new energy. You toss the last few shovels of fluffy snow aside while wondering what forgiveness would feel like.