#sysai

I feel like I want to talk to you more, it's a little important, but I don't want to keep you up any longer. You've had a long a rough day. And my problems don't really matter. It's just anxiety talking anyway. I think I'm gonna cry again.

I feel like my relationship is falling apart. We've been talking, almost fighting, for the past two days. I've been crying a lot too. Perhaps it's all my fault for trying to change him. I don't know what to do anymore. For the first time, I can't even just put on a fake smile at home and pretend everything is okay. I just started crying all over again in front of my mum.

Through the past 10 days, my bf, who's in Japan, have been very patient with me as I went through a couple of emotional breakdowns. And in the past few days, it's been generally calm and we've both been reminiscing about our relationship from start to now. It's been a long ride but it's the best damn thing I've ever done in my life. There is no one I love more than him.

Talked to the bf that there's a problem in our relationship through skype at 3am in the morning. We talked for about 2hrs with a lot of crying. I feel much better now. And I hope he does too. I hope he understands the problems. I love him so much and the last thing I want is to lose him.

What am I doing. I'm just pushing him away. I can't do this, not to the guy I'm gonna marry. What should I do.

Don't mind me. I just have some thoughts I'd like to type out here~ It's 16th Dec. The year is nearing to a close. I have to say, every year is full of greater surprises and this year has been the most blessed one for me ever so far. I have had so much opportunities given to me on a silver platter and I cannot be any more grateful to whomever it is that has blessed me. Let me talk about them by topics. Firstly, the cosplay community in Singapore. I have made so much new friends. I have never felt more welcomed anywhere else. I have also created a stronger name for myself as a photographer too. I started having private shoots this year, shooting mainly my friends and I've had around 7 private shoots this year. It's a very good start and despite the fact that I'm still learning, I've received tons of praise. I've also been hired as a photog cum social influencer for DBS Marina Regatta for Asia Cosplay Meet. I am extremely thankful for that opportunity and I can now cross that off my bucket list. Other things off my bucket list that was completed this year are getting someone to use one of the photos I've taken of them as their profile pic and cover photo. Both done. Another is to use my photo I've taken of them as their coscard. Also done. Extremely happy. I can't wait for next year, and the many more opportunities I can hope to have. Next, in the cosplay community, I've also met the love of my life. We've been together for three months now. And with everything that has happened, I feel so utterly grateful that he is by my side. I have had a lot of firsts with him. It seems a little inexperienced but we have become so comfortable with each other and our derpyness that we take it all in stride, learning slowly. From giving him my first kiss (to a guy) to giving him my virginity, I couldn't be happier that's it's with him, someone who treats me so gently and lovingly. I know that he's the one I want to spend my whole life with and I really can't wait for the rest of the future together with him. Lastly, this year has also shown me how much I do not belong with this family. The amount of pain and crying myself to sleep because of them. If not for Syafiq, I don't think I could have stopped myself from putting a penknife back to my wrist. I hope to gain my independence, freedom and also, acceptance from them by the end of next year. All I really want to hear from them is a yes. With all these memories, I've reached the end of yet another year. I've received enough blessings this year. I don't need anymore next year but just to receive the same kind of happiness, to be by his side and to be granted similar small opportunities in photography assignments. All of these are enough for me. I'm also reaching the end of my education. Soon I'll be undertaking my internship and with the end of that, I'll have a degree in my hand. The final request I have is to have the strength to do well in my internship to be able to get a full time job in the future. I know I don't believe in you god, but if you're there, if you really do exist, I thank you for all these blessings you've given me this year. Despite the pain,the amount of love and happiness I've received is just overwhelming. Thank you.

I often wake up multiple times in the night. And recently, I noticed that every time I wake up, the first thing I think of is always Sy, my boyfriend. <3