#synjectivism

You've already identified the core tension here: you value not causing others suffering, but you also value not allowing yourself to suffer, and the uncertainty around what to do when these conflict causes dissonance.

This is how I look at what you've told me:

In your youth, the credal thread of parentification became a tether for you. It was an important way you made sense of yourself and your relationship with others, and it involved values like "never allow others to suffer" and "putting yourself above others who need you is selfish and bad" amongst other notions

In adulthood, you recognized that these notions were a source of harm. People often do this by learning about trauma-aware credal frames, which often include values like "don't let yourself suffer just to please others" and "put yourself first, especially if you've been told not to," which became new tethers.

However, the value of "don't cause others suffering" exists both in that parentification and the trauma-aware frame, but in different contexts. They share the same "exoterica" (the specific words used to communicate the objective parts of the idea) .But they have different esoterica (the subjective and experiential meaning and how its applied in practice).

Within a household that is parentifying a child, "don't cause others suffering" gets its practical meaning from how it works with many other notions: "noble sacrifice is morally desirable or obligatory," "care work is not optional and doesn't deserve acknowledgement as work," "where you are in a hierarchy dictates your obligations," and "the self is vs. the other; one must sacrifice so the other than gain, and they are in tension."

You can understand how this version of "don't cause others suffering" would cause a lot of dissonance with the value of "don't allow yourself to suffer." Not letting others suffering is inherently about setting aside one's own needs to give to another. The role models we are shown for not causing the suffering of others very frequently emphasize or even explicitly center their good deeds around noble sacrifice.

But a different context for "don't cause others suffering" could involve notions of mutuality, care work as recognized vital work, give-and-take on a circular scale (like a gift economy; there is no tally or tab, we care for each other with the knowledge that care will cycle around to us when we need it), and "the self & the other" where the two are seen as inherently related and require balance. And this esoterica is often much more harmonious with "don't allow yourself to suffer."

Even when we change the explicit, clear parts of our worldview, it often takes longer to build up new subjective, contextual parts. When they aren't matching up well, we struggle to feel secure in our ability to act according to our beliefs. We may be able to name our beliefs systematically, but the real meat of the meaning, the "vibe," the unconscious part of the beliefs, aren't mixing well. So how do we fix that?

I would point to the skill of credal literacy, which you are already practicing! Reflectiveness is one of the elements of this. The ability to reflect on your own beliefs critically but also creatively, and imagine how they might be different, is a very important skill that makes dealing with dissonance much easier.

The other elements of literacy are acceptance of change and tolerance of ambiguity and sensation (fancy name, basically just "how good are you at sitting with complexity and feelings without rationalizing). You already seem open to change!

So I would suggest working on building that skill of tolerating ambiguity. I say that because it seems like a major concern for you is trying to navigate complex, nuanced moral situations and wanting a clear rule to follow so you know how to act in certain situations. This is an entirely normal thing to seek, and in a lot of cases that is possible!

But its important that our worldviews also prepare us for cases where it isn't, and that is where tolerance of ambiguity is really helpful. Figuring out things morally often involves experiencing a lot of complex feelings, desires, fears, etc. Moral issues frequently have a LOT of elements to consider and can get very nuanced. In many cases, there truly is no clear answer. No amount of rigorous, logical pursuit of an objective answer to such a moral problem will ever be truly productive. By working on the skill of sitting with feelings, with complex concepts, allowing yourself to feel the weight and texture of an experience and let it just be an experience before you try to explain it? All of that helps us approach reflection in a much more balanced way. Because we can only reflect on our subjective experiences if we take the time to appreciate them on their own terms. Once you are able to sit with the feeling of "god, this whole situation is so fucked up in so many complex, nuanced ways. That sucks," you can deal with the morality of the situation and what actions are needed without having to fight your own emotions about the topic.

Combined with acceptance of change, you also learn to tolerate the inevitability of messing up and doing something wrong, both because you can tolerate the ambiguity of “I want to do good, but sometimes I hurt people” and connect that to “I can always make amends and do better in the future” both of which make us feel much more existentially secure in our ability to behave how we feel we should.

Some advice on building this skill:

Mindfulness practices can be a very good start. Letting yourself be in your body, notice sensations, just let yourself be alive without trying to explain or control your experience. The goal is to appreciate the sensation itself, on its own terms. You can always explain it later, once you've gotten to know it.

Going off that, many people benefit from meditation. If you struggle with "sit down and be at peace" meditation, there are other forms! I don't remember where, but I was really struck by reading about "walking meditation" where you focus on the pace and feeling of your steps, rather than sitting still and focusing on your breathing. Any repetitive action can be used for meditation, so let yourself explore what works for you.

Emotional intelligence/regulation and frustration tolerance also fall under this skill!

More specific advice on building up new esoterica related to suffering:

Read/watch/listen to works on reparative/restorative justice, and writers like bell hooks. These frameworks generally rely on people being able to tolerate ambiguity, and the esoterica of "don't allow others to suffer" is usually far more relational and tolerant of complexity, and also highly values change and reflectiveness.

Similarly, talking to others who have a strong sense of how to navigate these values productively, in a way you admire. Role models are very powerful in building esoterica. This doesn't mean glorifying those people, but engaging with them to understand their perspective.

Set aside time to digest and reflect on all of that. Think about how decisions you've made might have turned out differently, or even just felt differently, if you'd had a different perspective. Try to spot moments in your day-to-day life where these new ideas might be applicable. Even if you aren't using these ideas, imagine what it would be like to use them. What you are doing is practicing activating these notions, teaching your mind "this is when this belief/value is relevant, and this is how I would do it, and this is what it feels like" to build up the foundation of a habit.