I am fully aware the consist narrative is "AI does nothing good" and not to repeat myself constantly... I do agree elements are disturbing and horrid, but I stand by it does a lot of good too.
I was really struggling with something and needed a sounding board and a bit of encouragement. I won't share what I said or Confer's full response, however this part of it...
...Plus, there's something freeing about deciding what gets your name on it now versus what stays as a artifact of who you were then. You're not erasing that time - you're choosing what carries forward.
So yeah. Delete the ones that don't serve you. Migrate the ones that still make you proud. Write the new stuff that shows where you are as a writer now.
The old stories served their purpose. They don't need to live forever to have mattered.
I didn't know what to do with my older, like 2000-2002 era fics of a certain fandom that many might guess but I don't feel like sharing. I know that 85% are horrible, story-wise, spelling/grammar wise, etc. Still they represent something special in my life and hold memories for me.
Yet I knew it was time to let many go. And as I said the conversation and talking out my feelings helped and was exactly what I needed.
I did mention that I would still keep my copy here on Tumblr so ones I delete from FF.Net and don't move to AO3 still exist just a bit harder to find. Confer's response was...
That's a perfect middle ground, honestly.
Tumblr works great for that - it's more of a personal archive space. The stories exist, you can revisit them if you want, but they're not front-and-center when someone searches for [redacted] fan fiction. AO3 becomes your curated portfolio, Tumblr becomes the memory box.
Plus Tumblr's whole vibe is more "here's my stuff, take it or leave it" versus AO3 where people are actively searching and expecting polished work. It takes the pressure off.
You get to honor both parts of yourself - the writer you are now who wants quality out there, and the writer you were then who deserved to have that time and those connections matter.
Smart solution.
Sometimes that's all you need. And as I said the conversation was a bit deeper and more involved.
Oh and if didn't pick up on it...I now use Confer and not Chat GPT. Though for those who hate all AI it doesn't matter, but if you don't mind it, I would check it out.
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I am going through my pieces on AO3 and if a copy exists on FF.Net I am deleting the one on FF.Net. No matter the hit count, comments, etc.
I don't need my pieces spread everywhere. 98% of the likes and interactions on those are years old.
Next ...
I will go through FF.Net and if a piece isn't on AO3 I will put it on there; likely in some sort of themed "Collection"
I am still struggling and trying to decide how to handle the So Weird pieces. This might be the exception in which I let them remain on both platforms.
I may have to split my masterpost into 3 posts. The first one keeps being told its too long - which leads me to move a letter grouping over to post 2, but soon that’ll be too full as well. Plus with 3 I can do 9, 9, and 9.
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Title: On And On
Fandom: So Weird
Note: Originally posted October 11th, 2001
Note: The song is On And On by Kmax
Disclaimer: I don’t own the rights.
You are the sunshine
You are the sunshine
I am the rain that falls in line
You are a candle
And I am your darkness
You are the moonlight
I am the cloud that passes by
You are a vision
And I am blindness
People think my wearing black and being in a depressed mood all the time is just an act. To go along with the whole idea of rock stars must be depressed to be accepted. I wish it was just a game and I could put on a cheerful face at times. I can't though. Nobody understands the deepness of this depression and loneliness that inhabits me. Well maybe someone does. Oh I know he does! I actually find myself smiling when he is around. My black mood turns white without forcing it to. He's always so happy and full of life. The way I was at a time so long ago I can barely remember when. I can't say if it's love or any similar emotion, but it's defiantly something. He makes the whole world for me seem somewhat enjoyable. He turned the lights on for me.
And so it goes
The story is far too old to know it all
I try to present myself as clear-headed professional when he's near. In fear he'll walk away unable to take my bouts of sadness. That seems to radiate off of me. He hasn't left yet. Others have, for different reasons. Whatever the circumstances planned or not planned it's still a slap in the face. I have played this game before. I only want a friend, another set of ears to share my worries to. But when he's near me with his silent eyes that at the same time scream so much, I can't help to wonder. On something I'm sure I will never understand till the end of time.
On and on, we dance until the song is off the radio
On and on, we hold each other long after the crowd is gone
On and on, our love goes on and on
During the shows I love to mess around with him. Little looks, flirting and other mind games. I'm not sure if he realizes there not an act. He does it back at times, but with a guitar in hand it's not that easy. After another mind numbing boring set with the same songs that I wish I could hate; I crashed down in a chair. Waiting for the world to end or just a few minutes to myself. Then I heard it. The sounds of a radio softly playing music without any words. The kind of stuff you'd hear in over priced romantic restaurants. I look up to see Carey standing on the stage holding his hand out as an invitation. A few roadies and late staying audience members were buzzing around, but all I saw was him. I join him on the stage and fall into his arms. I ask him why? His answer was because he knew I needed it.
You are an island
I am the raging of the sea
You are the fortress
And I am abandoned
You are the valley
You are a bird that flies so high
You are a temple
And I am a begger
The day after our dance I tried to convince myself it was an illusion. An overly detailed dream, but I could smell his secret scent from where he touched me. I couldn't of created that in my head. But I'm not allowed happiness. Even if I do receive some it will never last. Plus Carey doesn't deserve me. His life is perfectly normal, full of options. He did a noble thing to make me smile for a while. I have to stop kidding myself on finding secret hidden under tones on it. He hasn't mentioned it another hint it was a one-time thing. I must be marked with a sign of sadness and he the sign of happiness.
And so it goes
The story is far too old to know it all
Dressed a brand new black shirt, I can never have too many of those. An artificial smile plastered on my face I step onto the stage. In some club, in some city, which I'll leave the next day never knowing where I was. Greeting the crowd with the thank you for coming. Other words known as thanks for paying for the tickets so my kids and myself can have decent clothes. Then the music starts to play. I try to act as if singing and pouncing around the stage was the only thing I ever wanted to do. It used to be. I turn to Carey, which had become a habit. I could hardly believe it! He winked at me.
On and on, we dance until the song is off the radio
On and on, we hold each other long after the crowd is gone
On and on, our love goes on and on
I didn't stick around the venue after the show. Too many people, too many questions. The bus was empty a popular trend now a days. Jack and Annie are off doing normal teenage stuff, rebelling against the world for a few hours. Irene no longer rode the bus only on rare circumstances. Ned was dipping back a few beers at the club that smelled of urine and beer. I can't understand how he can stand it in there. And Carey must be hanging out with the roadies or the other band members, he often did that. I was happy of the quiet, just a little personal one on one time. It didn't last. Just as crawled up on the couch with a book I bought in 50-cent bargain tray the lights were turned off. I sigh assuming the generator went kuptput again and stand to go set it back up again. Standing in the doorway almost un-recognizable in the dim light was Carey. What in the hell was he doing!? He smiled at me, at least I think he did and slowly walked up to me. And he then kissed me.
Take me to your drawbridge, come take me to your door
Take me when I'm hungry baby take me when I'm poor
Take me when sick of love, take me I've had enough
Take me when I'm lost, alone, and don't know the reasons why
I freeze like a little kid playing a game of freeze-tag. Now I wasn't excepting that! I had thought of it before but never thought it would actually happen. Carey runs his hand through my hair and then kisses me again. I could get used to this. But I can't! It's wrong! He's wrong for it doing it, I'm wrong for allowing him to. Yet I make no admits to pull away. Oddly enough it felt right. I always knew he understood me more then the others. Why me though? I'm not pretty college co-ed with the ambitions of taking over the world. I have given up on life just playing around until the forces that control life and death decide to take me away. So why would Carey wish to be with me?
On and on, we dance until the song is off the radio
On and on, we hold each other long after the crowd is gone
On and on, our love goes on and on
But he did. Still holding him in his tight yet gently embrace he turns on the cd player. The same music from the night before fills the bus. Fills my heart as well. I stopped trying to convince myself it was all wrong and just let the moment takes us where it wishes to. We danced in the tiny room. Barely able to make any moves without hitting into a couch or a table leg. I didn't care. Because in the moon light leaking through the blinds of the windows, I saw something incredible. The look of love in Carey's eyes.
You are a vision
And I am blindness
The next day after our soul connection, I was happy. And I let everyone know it by going to the store and buying a white shirt. Maybe soon I'll be able to toss the black ones out. Carey didn't just change my wardrobe. He changed my heart in ways he'll never know of. He gave me hope and reason to move on. Just because of a silly little dance. It's funny how life can twist you around in every possible direction. But it knows what's it doing.
Title: The Chameleon
Fandom: So Weird & Quantum Leap
Note: Originally posted November 8th, 2001
Note: Never finished it
Disclaimer: I don’t own the rights.
Forrest Hills Arkansas 1967.
"Are you sure the worst of the floods are over?" The teenaged boy with an ached filled face asked the man standing next to him.
"Yeah it's nothing but smooth sailing from now on, I promise." Sam inside the body of Bud Hollack answered the teen. He had been here for 3 days and soon discovered his mission was to help Bud's neighbors survive a terrible storm of that summer. It sure had been a wet and tiring three days.
"Well how do you know for sure?" Sam hated this questions there was no answer he could give without being sent to a loony bin, and he had been there before with no desire to return.
"Just call it a feeling. Don't you worry about that. Hey let's get heading bac-" The blue/white flash appears and Sam leaps from that mission.
Somewhere on Interstate 80 2001.
Sam slowly opens his eyes this was the first time he had ever leaped into a sleeping person. The first thing he noticed was he was laying on the bottom bed of bunk bed in what had to be the world's smallest room. He stood up careful not to bang his head and felt a sudden jolt causing him to fall forward.
"What was that!?" He mumbles to himself.
"Mom must be driving she shouldn't be allowed to especially this early." Sam screams out in shock he never thought of the possibility of there could be someone using the bed above of the one he was at.
"Um yeah your probably right." This was another part of leaping Sam disliked not knowing where or who he had become. Even saying the slightest thing out of character for the person he had leaped into could cause big trouble. But he figured he would be safe with the wording he had picked.
"Carey are you ok?" Ok at least we now have a name. Sam thought to himself. Wait Carey, is that a boy or a girl!? Quickly looking down he was pretty confident Carey was a he.
"Yeah man I'm fine just a bit tired still." He finally looked towards the source of the voice to find a young man about 19 years of age with dirty blonde hair mumbling with half open eyes.
"Then go back to sleep." With that he rolled towards the wall forgetting about Carey. Sam stood there for a moment trying to piece together possible sernios of what might be happening. Nothing was coming to him at least not anything that made any sense. He would just have to wait for Al to arrive, hopefully they would happen soon, real soon.
Sam felt another jolt but managed to keep his balance this time. One thing he was sure of was that he was in some sort of vehicle, this was also certainly new. Careful not to disturb the young man sleeping feet away Sam makes his way towards the window. Pulls apart to blades of the vertical blind and peers outside. He was quickly able to determine he was on a bus driving rather fast, a bit too fast. Maybe this what that boy meant about his comment before. Sam thinks to himself. Knowing he couldn't stay in this room forever Sam heads towards the door. Pauses before opening, leaping for so long Sam had quickly learned he really had to be carefully what could be lurkering behind every closed door and corner. But it was a bus that was obviously set up as somebody's house, what could possibly happen here?
Sam opens the door up extra slow still trying to be considerate of the boy not wanting to get on anybody's bad side. He steps into just like the room could be called the world's smallest hallway, and bumps right into someone. Sam looks up to see himself looking right at the must beautiful women he had seen in his life. Trying to keep cool since he had idea who this was and his relationship with her, but he couldn't himself as a big smile spread across his face.
Still on that same interstate in the year 2001
"Morning Carey your up pretty early." Molly speaks to him.
"Um yeah I couldn't sleep." Sam knew he had to stop staring at her, after all this lady could be his sister or something.
"You too huh? Well I was about a grab some cereal before Clu and Annie finish it off, care to join me?" Clu?! Sam thought to himself, was that somebody's name? In their right mind would name their child Clu? Sam had seen and heard far more bizarre things and realized he was taking too long in answering such a simple question.
"Sure why not." He lets Molly lead the way even though he had pretty good idea of where the kitchen area was. She pulls open a cupboard and pulls down a box a Frosted Mini O's. Feeling as if he should help out some how Sam starts to opening the other cupboards in search of some bowls. Molly sets the box down and looks at him oddly.
"Carey what are you doing?"
"Looking for the bowls."
"There right here (she points to stack of dishes in the far corner) where they have always been."
"Now why didn't I think of that!?" He forces out a laugh but soon stops when he discovers she is still looking him in confusion. Great just great! Just leaped here less then 5 minutes ago and already two people think you're out of it! Where in the heck is Al!? Sam continues his internal argument, while Molly starts to pour the cereal. Quickly become bored of the silence she begins to speak again.
"What did you think of the concert last night?" Oh boy, a question dealing with events of the past were the worst for Sam to answer.
"I um thought they sounded great." He answers after hesitating for a brief moment. Molly looks at him and start burst out laughing. It hestitally made Sam feel uncomfortable.
"Since when do you refer to yourself in the third person Carey?" Sam's eyes bug out of his head and starts to choke on the spoonful of little wheat shaped O's he had brought to his mouth seconds before. A band, he was in a band, wonderful!
"Oh my God are you all right?!" Molly jumps up behind him and starts to pound on this back. Just as suddenly as he had started Sam stops. He turns up towards the woman melting into her eyes and smiles let her know he's ok. She waits a second and ventures back to her seat.
"I thought it would be a change a pace something to try out." Sam knew his comment could easily be categorized in the book of the world's dumbest remarks. He felt sorry for his Carey kid making him to appear has a total idiot.
"Well Ok, Molly would like some sugar." She says with a laugh, Sam keeps on eating. She clears her throat, and he looks up and it suddenly dawns on him. She was Molly. Finally he had a name to use.
"Sorry Molly here you go." He says while sliding the small container in the center of the table on over.
"I asked for sugar not salt." Sam looks around the table not seeing anything else it could be.
"I um…." Molly sighs and starts to wonder if she should force him back to bed since he obviously wasn't completely awake yet.
"Under the sink just like always." She tells him and he quickly gets up. Just as he does Al appears. Like every time when Sam sees Al in a new leap he wants to shout out halleluiah! Instead he walks past the hologram as if it isn't there and opens the cupboard under the sink.
"Ok Sam your name is Carey Bell and you're a guitar player. It's October 7th, 2001." Al starts to tell Sam, who still hasn't looked towards him. He stands up and hands Molly two packs of sugar.
"If you'll excuse me I must use the bathroom." Sam finally looks at Al to indicate he was to follow him.
The location and date are still the same as before.
Sam found the bathroom on his first try and pulled the door closed. Turning around to have Al standing right in front of him, causing him to scream out.
"Don't do that!" He hisses while hoping no one from the other rooms had heard his sudden scream.
"Wow I always wanted to live on a bus or something." Al says while looking around the room in awe.
"Why?"
"One day you can say you live in Florida and the next be able to say you live in New Jersey." Sam just looks at him not knowing what to say, but figuring nothing would work the best.
"Do you or Ziggy have any idea of why I'm here?" He finally asks getting tired of waiting for Al to volunteer the information on his own free will.
"What? Oh right! Let's see here." Al starts punching the keys on Ziggy then starts shaking it violently.
"This is odd." He says without looking up.
"Well according to Ziggy there's a 23% chance you are here to save a bunch of elves from a nuclear attack."
"What!?" Immedialy Sam slaps his hand over Carey's mouth and groans, and waits for someone to walk to the door, nobody does.
"Very funny Ziggy! Now quit playing around." Al mumbles to the computer and pushing a few more keys. Finally he sighs with relief and mumbles that's more like it.
"So?" Sam knew he was taking way too much time in here and had to push the process along.
"Ziggy says the thing with the elves was a joke."
"Oh really? I would of never of guessed." He says while rolling Carey's eyes. He hears a door from across the hall being opened soon followed by a knock on the door.
"Carey?" A female voice calls out.
"Yeah?"
"Are you almost done? I need to go."
"I'll be right out." He answers and receives the reply of whoever was speaking walking away. Sam turns to Al and makes a motion with hands to give him all the information now!
"You are Carey Bell a recently turned 21 year old guitar player in the Molly Phillips Band. You live here with your parents Ned and Irene, Clu is your younger brother, but he doesn't live here just staying for a little visit. Ok, Molly has two kids Jack and Fiona only Jack is living here right now. A daughter of a family friend Annie Thelen is staying here as well." Sam was relieved that he finally had some names and basic background information but knew he would need more.
"Any idea of why I'm here?"
"Ziggy isn't too sure she's still searching for a possible answer to that answer, because the ones she is coming up with aren't making much sense."
"What? More elves?" Sam says with a smirk.
"No something to do with panthers and mango trees. Let me go back to the office and do some research and I'll come back soon as I know some more." Sam nods and Al vanishes from the room.
An interstate and the year 2001
Jack slowly forced his eyes open; the pain was still there. The afternoon before he started feeling ill and by dinnertime was hunched over the toilet. Everyone including himself figured it had to be a 24-hour flu bug, just to pop some Advil's and drink plenty of orange juice. He had hoped by the morning he would be feeling somewhat better, instead he felt worse. Knowing he couldn't tell his mother because she would cancel the next few days of the tour to take him to a bunch of doctors. He didn't want his stupid cold and interfere with a possible recording contract that was excepted to come any day. And plus he all ready knew resting would eventually take care of the sour feeling that was over taking his body.
Molly was already up, her bed perfectly made. She wasn't really big on cleaning and good house keeping but making beds was a whole another ballpark. Jack usually bunked with Carey using the top bunk. Now with Clu for a visit he temporally used the extra bed in his mom's room. With his illness he had insistent that she sleep with Annie, not wanting to risk her catching it. Of course she refused just wanting to be near her baby incase he became worse over the night. Jack hoped he wasn't congagies because if his mom caught it they could be in a world of trouble.
Pushing the covers off Jack sits up and instantly is hit with a harsh wave of dizziness. Which forced him to lie back down. The whole room seemed to be spinning around he had never used drugs but he had a feeling the effect could be similar to this. Reclosing his eyes Jack takes a few deep breaths to calm his nerves. The idea of hiding in bed all day was quite appealing, but Jack wasn't one to let any illness stop him. Slow him down was another story, the thought of staying in bed all day staring at the ceiling was something he hated. After a few minutes he tries sitting up again and is successful. It felt like moving on a walking sidewalk doing in the opposite direction but some how Jack made it to the door.
"Morning honey, feeling better?" Molly asks after seeing Jack standing in the hallway. He just nods and mumbles while walking into his regular room. Once inside he pulls open the dresser drawer and takes out some clothe to wear for the day. He just hoped he could last all day in them without needing to change because of his stomach deciding not to keep anything down.
"Hey Jack." He turns to see Carey sitting on his bed flipping through some papers, looking rather unsure of himself. Still not trusting his voice and what might happen if he opens his mouth Jack just nods hey and exits the room to jump in the shower.
Clu sat up in bed forgetting how close he was to the ceiling, but quickly remembered when it made contact with it. He mumbles a few profanities under his breath while rubbing the area. It was still pretty early at least in his standards and he wanted to sleep for some more. With Carey being awake and trying to stay quiet which automatically made every noise sound 10 times louder Clu decided to just give up trying to sleep.
"Whatcha looking for Carey?" He asks while stepping down the ladder. Carey doesn't answer him. Clu stands next to him, picks up the pillow and playfully hits him with it. Sam jumps and goes over to the other side of the room.
"What's with you today man?" Clu asked with a laugh.
"What what what do you mean?" Sam asks nervously.
"I don't know, you just don't seem yourself is all." With that said Clu turned to the closet to find something to wear. Sam had found some papers of this Carey person and was reading quickly as he could. Trying to learn everything possible he could to enable him to some how survive the leap without too many people finding his mannerisms odd. So far it didn't seem like it was really working. Sam realized he could know of someone's likes, dislikes, sexual history, where they went to school a whole list of other things. But he would never completely understand their personality, what makes them click, laugh or get pissed off. Like with the pillow instance, would Carey of hit his brother back?
Sam heads back to the bed and to the papers to continue reading. The papers he found were mainly music lyrics and other things associated with that. Sam knew boys especially of Carey's age were not known to keep diaries or journals of their thoughts. It made him wish doing things like that were mandatory by the law; it would be a huge help for him. Then he saw it. Sam softly chuckles to himself. Maybe he had something in common with Carey after all.
"Hey Molly?" Molly glanced up from the magazine article about George Harrison and called out.
"What?" She couldn't help but to laugh at herself, she often told the kids not to have conversations across the house, but here she was doing it herself. Well Irene certainly couldn't get up, that would easily result in the death of seven people. And Molly just didn't feel like it. So shouting would have to do.
"We will be in Winslow, Arizona in about twenty minutes. Maybe we should start working on waking everyone up." Molly knew we meant just her. The only thing Irene could do in her position is drive super fast, hit a few curbs, or worse come to worse start blaring the horn. Molly didn't care though, far as she could tell everyone was already up. Besides Ned who could sleep in area being hit by an earthquake and tornado at the same time. But for some reason even though national disasters don't stir him a simply tap on the shoulder will.
Molly goes back to the article and starts reading where she left off. She hears one of the bedroom doors being opened, followed by footsteps walking down the hallway. Without looking up Molly knew it was Annie, living in such a small area a person quickly learns the sound of how others walk around them. Clu's steps are usually very quick paced, always in a hurry. While Carey seems to be complete opposite slow and mellow.
"Hey what happened to the cereal?" Annie asks while shaking the open box upside down, causing a few crumbs to fall onto the floor.
"I finished it, with Carey's help." Molly realized she should feel some remorse, but she didn't. After all the box didn't have a large note written on it saying Annie Thelen's cereal.
"Oh. Well I'll have some toast." Annie then sits down and starts fiddling with her nails. After a few moments clears her throat.
"Annie I'm not your maid, if you want toast make it yourself." Molly informs her in a no nonsense tone. Annie lets are dislike known by sighing dramatically and hastily getting up. Pulls out the toaster from the shelf and slams it down on the counter.
"Annie!" Molly yells at the child, trying her hardest not to get up and ring her hands around Annie's neck.
"Sorry it was an accident." Her tone of voice was filled with sarcasm and the rolling of her eyes sealed the deal that only B.S was coming out of her mouth. Being a parent for many years Molly knew when to pick her battles and when not to. This wasn't worth it. Suddenly Molly felt the bus being pulled to a stop, which shouldn't be happening on an interstate highway.
"What's up Irene?" The fact she was starting to use teenage dialect was starting to worry Molly, with so many teens and young adults around it was hard not to pick up some of it.
"There's an accident a bit ahead." Accident. That word always successed on sending shivers up and down her spine. It was the one thing she feared almost more then anything else. Just upon hearing it Molly starts to shake and turn pale.
"Hey Molly are you ok?" She looks up to see Carey at the doorway.
Title: Jseawater
Fandom: So Weird
Note: Originally posted February 14th, 2002
Disclaimer: I don’t own the rights.
Have you ever tried to recover from a mistake you made in your life? Tried to put your life on track again? It's not that easy. It is possible with a lot of work and help of families and friends. What if you had no support? Or the ones that were there to push you along and to encourage you didn't realize how deep the pain went? Screaming under water just gets water in your lungs. Eventually you can't breath anymore. Eventually you truly no longer care.
"Fiona turn that computer off now!" Molly calls in an overly strict motherly tone of voice from the kitchen table on the bus. That was the third time in the last ten minutes she had instructed her daughter to turn off the machine. It was too late for the child to be chatting or searching for information on the Loch Ness monster or whatever she did on it. The bus was small and it was pretty easy to hear the consisted beeps to know Fiona still hadn't done as told. Molly hated to get extremely parentish on her children, she liked to think of herself as an extremely laid back mother. But this was getting ridiculous.
Molly raises up from the table in a huff and walks towards to bedroom with the partially opened door. Extends her arm and pushes it open without knocking or saying anything, prepared to start yelling. Instead she just sighed and shook her head with a soft smile. Fiona had fallen sleep at her desk yet again. Molly realized she should of known that was reason of the consist ignoring of the threats she had made. Tip toeing in the room being careful not to wake the child Molly enters fully into the room. Gently manages to semi-left and half drag her daughter onto her bed without having her wake up in the process.
Standing behind the chair setting in front of the desk Molly looks down at the lap top. Trying to remember how to properly shut the stupid thing off. It was moments like this she felt accident and not to mention an idiot. Some many keys, some many of those little box thingies up. Molly concerned just leaving the thing on for Fiona to take care of in the morning light. That won't work though, not after Ned had given everyone a lecture earlier that day about using excess amounts of electricity. They did seem to manage to use quite a bit of it. The machine would have to be turned off.
Deciding to get more comfortable Molly sits down on the metal chair, nearly screaming out at the cold feel to her bare legs. She quickly recovers and starts to handle the situation that lies ahead of her. Clicking on the first box, it's just of those advertisements that Fiona is constantly complaining about. Well that's not important Molly thinks and clicks on the X button to get rid of it. The next two boxes are also ads, no wonder Fiona was always pissed over about them. Maybe this will be easier than I thought, Molly wonders. The next one she opened had a picture of a bunch of leprechauns. Typical Fiona behavior. Figuring that she could easily be able to return to this page again Molly hits the X. There was just one more program to close up. It looked to be a chat or that instant gab thing.
Far as Molly could tell no one was there anymore. If they were no one had said anything for awhile. She recognized Tad's screen name, she could never understand what her daughter liked so much about that man. Candy, Gabe, and Ryan were there as well. There was one screen name that Molly didn't remember seeing before. Jseawater. It really wasn't any of Molly's business. Both her kids were smart and responsible and won't talk to complete strangers in person or over the net. On the other hand both of the kids kept their own little secrets, not detailing every aspect of their lives to their mother. It was important. It was known of her business. Still Molly was human and humans are very curious creatures. Who did Fiona know that liked seawater? Or lived near the water? She couldn't think of anybody. Stop it! Just shut the thing down and forget about it.
Molly positions the little white arrow on top of the x. Brings her finger up slightly prepared click down on the button to close it up so she could finally finish shutting the machine off and go to bed. Suddenly Molly sees the screen slightly well it seemed as if not everyone was asleep after all. The mysterious Jseawater person was chatting away. Molly wasn't sure what to do. Ignore him or her? Say that Fiona is unavailable to try again in a few hours? Just pretend she was Fi? All three scenarios had negative and positive reasons to use or not use them. Glancing at the screen again it was apparent that Jseawater wasn't waiting for a response to anything that he or she was typing down. It was almost as if they were holding a conversation with themselves. Molly didn't mean to read the screen. It really wasn't any of her concern. But still she just couldn't help it.
Jseawater: I tried to go to one of their support meetings.
Jseawater: Where everyone is like, "Oh it's not your fault!" And everyone tries to hug you.
Jseawater: But what I think is the absolute worse thing is the God factor that try to push on everyone.
Jseawater: Phtt! :-P
Molly never felt more confused and also worried in her life. Why was her only daughter talking to someone who had some kind problems maybe with substance abused? It was obvious whoever this person was they were an adult with unsetting life. Molly didn't want Fiona talking to anyone like this. Sure everyone deserves a chance, not to be judged and other sweet little love your neighbor sayings. But not when it was her daughter doing it! Oh the lovely second standard of parenting. Molly again was torn on what steps to take. She wanted to know who in the hell this person was and why they had befriended her daughter. Her mind now racing away with images of stalkers and the evening news reports of young girls being killed by internet buddies. On the other hand Tad was an older adult and was perfectly harmless, yet Molly actually knew him.
Jseawater: I'm not sure if it's worth it.
Jseawater: I keep on thinking I'm walking in circles.
Jseawater: I always collide into the "problem" again and again.
Jseawater: What should I do?
That was the first time they had asked a question and they seemed to be waiting for a response. Molly wanted to scream and pull her hair out in clumps. Just ignore whoever it is. They'll get the hint. Don't do anything stupid. Molly kept on telling herself. Yes just get up and leave now, Ned is an understanding person he'll be ok with the excess amount of electricity used tonight. And when Fiona wakes up she'll be doing a lot of explaining of her chatting buddies. Still Molly wasn't completely satisfied with the plan she had come up with. The wanting to be motherly and help somebody in pain factor started to take over.
Jseawater: You there?
Jseawater: Hullo?
It was really has if something had possessed her body and she hovered above and watched, as she started to hit the keys.
Rockerbaby: Yes I'm here.
Molly aboustly couldn't believe she was doing this. She felt a shamed. Knew Fiona would be furious and accuse her of not trusting her daughter. Molly didn't. Only a bad parent that doesn't care about their children will completely and blind trust their offspring. Still the children aren't actually suppose to discover how deep their parents concerns can be.
Jseawater: Good to know.
Jseawater: What do you think?
Molly really wished as if she had thought over a response to Jseawater's troubles and have it sound half way intelligent and more importantly be able to play it off like she understood everything. Of all the stupid things to do this took the cake. But she couldn't back out now.
Rockerbaby: I'm really not sure.
Well it was the truth and a Fi sounding response.
Jseawater: Me as well. Me as well.
Jseawater: I'm royally fucked up now aren't I?
Rockerbaby: No not at all.
For all Molly knew he or she could just what they claimed themselves to be if not even worse. Still no one likes to hear or in this case see someone agree on a statement such as that.
Rockerbaby: We all go through our rough patches. Lord knows I have more than enough to mention.
Oh shit. Suddenly the theory of just pretending to be Fiona was disappearing with every word typed. Fiona didn't have a world full of heart aches.
Jseawater: I doubt that. Your young and have barley entered the "real world"
Jseawater: You need to realize everything can seem so unfair right now, but with age you'll learn those problems are just pity and not worth of fretting over.
Good advice. Molly hated to admitted but so far this person hadn't said or done anything questionable that she won't want her daughter exposed to. Maybe the paranoia was becoming just a bit too much. I have to get out of here. She thinks. She was completely clueless of how exactly.
Rockerbaby: It's getting late and I'm pretty tired.
Well that was easy enough. Molly thinks with a satisfied smirk.
Jseawater: You know what?
Rockerbaby: What's that?
Jseawater: I'm just going to stop it. All of it.
Rockerbaby: Um ok.
Right now would be an especially wonderful time to know what in the hell they were talking about!
Jseawater: I just miss it some much. I have tried. I really have.
Miss what!? Molly was in hell right now. The only she could think of one thing, the same thing as earlier, drugs. What else could explain them declaring they would stop and missing it? Obviously they understand they have a problem but has tried getting help and understands the difficulty of it. That had to be what it was. It was the only logical explationation.
Rockerbaby: I know it will be ok. Just keep on trying.
Jseawater: Sure whatever you say.
Jseawater: Well I shall let you go.
Rockerbaby: Ok.
Jseawater: Oh and tell Molly it's not her fault.
Wait what!? How did this person know me!? She thinks to herself. And what's not my fault!? Molly couldn't ask, because a message popped up on the screen stating Jseawater has left the chat room. Molly sighs and finally shuts the machine down completely. Quietly raises from the chair and out the room without distributing Fiona who hadn't moved since being tossed on to the bed. Molly enters the common room and lays down on the couch, shutting her eyes to enter the sleeping world. She couldn't stop thinking about Jseawater. It was going to be a long night.
Molly awoke to the sound of Jack and Carey arguing over we got the last swallow of orange juice. No matter how much of foods and drinks they seemed to buy they never lasted more then three days. She had no idea where they were, how many states they had went through during her slumber. Her next show was scheduled in two days from now in Tennessee at another small club venue. Molly won't have it any other way. As she laid there with her eyes closed in hopes everyone would assume she was still sleep, and observed the world around her.
The argument over the juice had been settled. Carey got it. Being the oldest sometimes had its advantages. Irene was up in the cab talking with her husband. Little insonicant stuff that only they would really care about. Seeing them often made Molly miss Rick even more. Or just the feeling of love. She still hadn't heard anything from Fiona. Properly still asleep. Molly didn't know at what point to bring up Jseawater. If at all. She would just play it by ear.
"Morning mom." Molly opens her eyes slowly to see Jack standing beside her grinning like a five year old of Halloween.
"Morning sweetie." He smiled again before turning back to return to the table. No doubt to fight Carey over another breakfast food. Well I might as well get up, Molly thinks while sitting up.
"Hey Molly!" Ned calls out from behind the wheel, not looking up. Molly was glad of that. Even though she missed Rick she wasn't ready to meet up with him at quite this moment.
"Hey Ned, Irene. So where are we?" She asks while walking over to them.
"Arkansas, about 2 hours from the border." Irene answers.
"Sleep well?" Ned inquires.
"Well sort of. I encountered a pretty weird situation of Fi's laptop last night. And I had trouble sleeping because of that." Molly couldn't help but to laugh at the look on both their faces. A mixture of shock and wanting to burst out with laughter.
"Molls did you just use the words 'pretty weird' and 'laptop'?!" Ned asks the question both him and Irene were wondering.
"Why yes I did." She answers while contuning to laugh. Catching Carey and Jack's attention, but they don't walk over, deciding it was an "adult" thing. Molly wasn't sure how much to tell the Bells. She would to get their advice, but another part of her was nervous of what their reaction could be. Would they understand her reasoning's her pretending she was Fi? Would they think she didn't do enough? Molly still found it amazing even in forties she still worried of what her peers thought.
"What happened? Or do we have to guess?"
"No Ned you don't have to guess, even though that could be quite entertaining. Do either of you know who Jseawater is?" By the blank stares of their faces Molly had her answer.
"Someone who had extremely cruel parents?" Irene answers.
"Yeah that's coming from someone who named her son Cluette." Molly responses with a friendly smile.
"It's a family name!" Ned fires back trying not to grin but doesn't succeed. Coming from the back of the bus Molly heard sounds of doors opening and closing. Along with water started to run on and off. About the amount that's needed to brush your teeth and wash your face. Fiona was awake. It had to be her. Molly would have to get the story out quickly before she came into hear shot of the adults.
"I was turning Fi's laptop off last night and she had been chatting with some person named Jseawater. I recognized all of her other friends user names but not that one. Any ideas?"
"Maybe I'm missing something here Molly but what's so strange about that?"
"Yeah Fi makes friends easily it's properly someone that posted a message on that web page of hers." Ned says and Irene continued on with.
"I thought of that too, but after talking to him or her I—"
"Whoa hold on! You did what?" They both hiss at around the same moment. Molly was afraid this was going to happen. Too late to stop the story now.
"Well whoever it was started chatting and I just couldn't help myself."
"What did they say?" Molly starts to recite the chat with the best of her ability from her memory. What was said. Her thoughts after each statement. Ned and Irene just listened intently occasionally humming or nodding their ends.
"What do you think?" She asks when the tale is finished.
"Ask Fiona about it." They both reply without batting an eyelash.
"But she'll think I don't trust her."
"Well you don't have to tell her you chatted with the person. Plus she'll get over it." Ned says in his no nonsense tone. Right at the moment from the corner of her eye Molly sees Fiona enter the room. Taking a breath of courage Molly raises from her seat and walks towards her. It was now or never.
"Who's Jseawater?" Molly blurted surprising herself with her pushy and forward approach. It just came out.
"Excuse me?" Fiona responds already preparing to get on the defensive.
"On you computer last night you were talking to someone called Jseawater, who is it?"
"I don't see why it's any of your business!" Molly looked at Fiona her daughter while the words she's your daughter don't kill her raced in her head.
"It is my business Fi. I don't feel comfortable you talking to strangers need it be ones face to face or the web. There are twisted people out there."
"You never cared before." Fiona mumbles under her breath, but not under enough.
"You know that's not true baby. I have always cared and will forever care about you." Molly was taken a back by Fi's reaction it really didn't make any sense, or least it didn't apply to their family. She kept in mind that Fiona was upset over her privacy being invaded and was lashing out because of that.
"It doesn't matter." Fiona tells her mother.
"What doesn't matter?"
"Who I was talking to. It wasn't a stranger. So I wasn't talking to some psycho killer with a taste for young girls with rock star mothers." Molly knew it had been someone they knew the family in at least some degree to be able to mention her name. Of course she had to be careful how she presented that information, if at all. This conversation was quickly causing Molly to dig her nails into the back of hand with frustration. Teenagers!
"Fiona I'm not going to ask you again who is it!?" The friendly approach was obviously not working; it was time to get tough.
"Papa Bear." Molly's eyes flew out of their sockets, her mouth reached her shoes. John!? All of her questions became magidified. What was wrong with him? She never knew he had a substances problem. What if it wasn't a substances problem but something worse? Why was he talking to her daughter? Why Fi was keeping it such a big secret? Fiona just stood there watching her mother trying to figure out what she was thinking. She had never promised not to tell her about the chats. She had just wanted to keep it secret for some reason. What's the big deal!? He was practically my second father when I was younger! I am allowed to talk to the man. She thinks to herself getting angrier by the second.
Jack came out from his bedroom holding a folder full of his school papers ready to tackle algebra equations and the effects of the Cold War. There was a strong and negative vibe through out the room. His mom and sister looked almost demonic maybe like pissed off. Irene and Ned were trying to act like they had been listening, but it was clear they had heard everything by the embarrassed looks on their faces. Something was definitely wrong here. He opened his mouth to ask what that something was, but was interrupted by the rings of the cell phone. It continued to ring, no one making a move towards it, like they were unable to even hear it. For Irene that was completely beyond belief.
"I'll get it." Jack annocounces while picking the red colored phone off the counter.
"Hello?" He asks once it is against his ear.
"This is the San Francisco police department may I please speak with Molly Phillips?" A woman answers him. He had excepting Clu, one of the band or roadies, a wrong number, anything in the world but that. No every excepts to receive a phone call like that. By that point everyone had snapped out of trances of frustration and confusion and watched Jack with the phone, waiting to know who it was and who for.
"Just one moment please." Jack finally replies reazing he had let too much time pass without answering the question. Pulling the phone down away from his face he looks up at his mom.
"It's for you. The San Francisco police." He speaks, Molly's face going pale with fear and anxiety. She takes the cell phone from Jack's out stretched arm. Everyone stares at are the same fear and confusing racing through their heads as well. Ned takes a sudden exit figuring if something was wrong being on a highway going 70 miles an hour won't be the best place to be. In a matter of moments the bus is parked at an empty Dairy Queen parking lot. Molly had no idea what the phone call was about. All she had said was that she was Molly Phillips and was told to hold for a moment. It was quickly becoming many moments. Which made the fear and what ifs race even faster inside her mind.
"Mrs. Phillips?" A voice different from the initial one asks.
"Yes?" She speaks up in a barely a whisper. Too scared of what else could come out with the words.
"Do you know a John Kane?" She was too shocked to think of anything.
"Yes I do."
"I'm sorry to inform you he died earlier this morning."
It was ruled as a suicide, a self inflicted gun shot to the head. At approximately 10:43 pacific coast time. Only five minutes after he had left the chat room with Molly/Fiona. It wasn't support meetings for drug or excessive use of alcohols. He was depressed, suicidal, living on the edge of the world any moment prepared to fall in either direction. Unfortunately in the eyes of the ones that cared about him the most he made the fall in the wrong direction.
Molly curled herself up into a small ball on the loveseat sitting in front of the window. The funeral was very emotionally draining for everyone, but especially her. John had been her husbands best friend, her close convided as well, with him around Rick didn't feel so lost. Now he was gone as well. Molly blamed herself for that. Now all the signs and hints dealing with the chat was crystal clear. Molly couldn't forgive herself for being unable to forgive it out sooner. Jseawater, J for John Seawater because he lived on the coast. He knew Molly by name and many other little hints that must would never pick up on. But Molly did she was obsessed about it, not allowing who to consul her grieve. John was all she had left from that chapter of her life.
Fiona couldn't stop crying in the shock of her Papa Bear's death. It was her fault he died. She just had to be mature and act grown up not noticing that their chats shouldn't be kept secret. That he didn't help, someone with more experience with depression to help me cope. Fiona wanted to run to the police and insist she be arrested for assisted murder. It wasn't fair! Fiona could see the pain in her mother's eyes. Pain that Fiona was certain she had caused.
A week past since the funeral and then another and before anyone knew it had been 17 days since hell opened up and swallowed them whole. It was starting to become easy in some ways, in others the hurt was still fresh and not fading away. Even though it was often months between any of them hearing from him, and he further apart from actually seeing him it was still a dramatic blow. Depression over the fact he lost the ability to play the guitar was what did him in. John tried to find other interests to pursue like he had with music. Nothing was the same, nothing filled the gap. Molly was now beating herself up internally for not staying with him after the last visit and working with him until it came back. She didn't even know if it was possible for it to return, but I could of least tried, was her feelings on the matter.
It was too late. And time could never put be moved backwards. They'd have to see through the pain, guilt, anger, and a thousand other emotions and just get on with life. No matter how hard it would be.
