#swearathon

° Das Davarris

Varric, years later: 

“Luckystrike was a ball of sunshine, grins and cuddles.”

Some of Das’s favourite taunts, as jotted down in Varric’s old notebook:

It’s hardly any wonder Das was not exactly popular with the Chantry folk.

(Foul language ahead. You’ve been warned.)

Josephine: ‘Some people are calling you - an elf - the Herald of Andraste.’

Das: ‘Maker’s blazin’ ol’ mattress*), WHAT?!’

Cullen: ‘Well, at least we can assume now he’s actually Andrastian.’

*) ol’ mattress - alienage slang for an abused wife.

Dragon: *descends* Das: ‘FUCK Andraste’s tits!’ Dragon: *roars* Das: ‘With a hot poker!’

Revered Mother Hevara: ‘Behold the so-called Herald of Andraste, claiming to rise where our beloved fell! We say this is a false prophet! A wicked elf sent to subvert the Maker’s word!’

Das: *mutters under his breath while trying to maintain a neutral expression* ‘Maker’s word up your arse, cow...’

Varric: *sniggering in the background* ‘The Herald has spoken...’

...

How it went down in books and Inquisition propaganda:

Corypheus: ‘Know me, know what you have pretended to be. Exalt the Elder One, the will that is Corypheus. You WILL kneel...’ The Herald, proud, dignified and defiant: ‘Never!’

How that exchange really went:

Corypheus: ‘Know me, know what you have pretended to be. Exalt the Elder One, the will that is Corypheus. You WILL kneel...’ Das, pissed off, terrified out of his wits, crying like a baby and screaming at the top of his lungs in the most undignified falsetto: ‘Get one of your pet templars to suck you off, you cunt!’ (Then he attempted to hurl a snowball in Corypheus’s face. He missed.)

...

Perplexing, unbelievable, frustrating shit: happens. Das: Well, shove a trumpet up me arse and play me a flourish. Das: Bull, you’re having ideas. Stop it.

...