#superhero complex

Semi-related: I also realized last night that I'm really transparent to some people.  I guess that's usually good, except if whatever I'm feeling/thinking makes them feel badly about themselves or our relationship.  Maybe I need to work on being a better friend overall and stop thinking so egocentrically.  

But, as soon as I say that, I realize that it's not exactly egocentric thinking that occurs in a self-interested sense.  It's self-reflection on how my reaction affects interactions.  It's more of an inward turn that occurs and an analytic examination of self rather than an interest of self, if that makes sense.  I realized that the way I have been affected by my friends in recent weeks and months does not bother me because I haven't seen them (which is important, but still a somewhat small part for I know schedules of semi-adults are difficult to coordinate).  My mental trouble stems from realizing how personally I take these minor hurdles, which then affects (usually negatively) how I interact with them after some "obstacle," which I know they can sense because these are my most introspective and intuitive of comrades to whom I refer, and that is really shitty because I never want to make them feel bad about not being able to spend time with me or that they are not fulfilling their end of the friend bargain because that's not really true and I don't actually feel that way/believe that, and I honestly simply feel awful for making it seem that way to them just because I'm having trouble keeping command of my emotions lately. (Or really, small, inconsequential things set me off when I'm doing okay otherwise.  Which makes me wonder if I'm actually doing okay...?  For another post, perhaps.)  This hyperawareness, man.  More upset at being upset, more upset for unintentionally making others respond differently to me, and being aware of every single step, trying to avoid it all so as not to disturb or disrupt balances, but failing/falling short.  I guess this is what it is to be human?  Or certifiably insane.  Either one, really.