A jumble of over-thought thoughts, feelings, and temporary conclusions on the topic of relationships with significant others.  

(Warning: This may read as a litany of grievances and/or rationally irrational justifications.  You've been warned.)

Love and This Heart Thing: I love.  I love a lot.  I love a lot of people; I love a lot of friends; I love a lot of non-material ideas and concepts.  I love a lot.  I wonder if another reason for my fear of relationships is the fact that the relationship would require even more--or maybe it's just another outlet of--love, passion, emotion (whatever you name these things) than my other relationships/efforts.  And that thought is daunting and unattractive because I put a lot of love into so many things.  Or maybe it's more the fact that I would treat the relationship as just another one of my loves, and that seems unfair or against the norm--which I've never been fond of, but there is another heart and soul involved here.

Dedication/Commitment/Stuck: I wonder if one reason I am petrified (I do not use the term lightly) of relationships is because of my dedicated nature.  I put a lot of effort into pretty much everything I do.  And I know I would probably do the same in a relationship.  I do not want to be the hard-worker in this context in addition to being the overachiever in every other aspect of my life.  I'm afraid I'd put too much of myself into the other person and the relationship as a whole.  I'm afraid of losing myself, an identity that sits so precariously in my consciousness these days. 

I also fear that I will not know the difference between working something out and grabbing for straws.  I am afraid that I will feel stuck, and put in every effort to maintain the commitment even if it is better to move on.  I have trouble letting go, too--another fact that does not help my psyche.

Hurt: Since I put myself into things wholeheartedly, I do not want to get hurt in the process.  (Duh, this isn't that uncommon of a fear, but it's a bit magnified in my mind.) Sometimes, my mind has this problem where it works up things to be much greater or more significant than they are in reality, outside my head.  I don't want to deal with that. (Hmm, unless the only way to deal with that is to do it and negotiate...Damn.)  I also fear hurting someone else: Up high on my list of greatest fears (near blindness).

Experience: I've got 22-year-old desires and 15-year-old tendencies and experiences.  By this time, I "should be" somewhat more experienced in dealing with the male species (Yes, species.), but I'm not.  Instead: I'm terribly and painfully awkward in such situations.  Still.  Maybe forever.... =p

Another note on experience: I am quite immature in this realm.  The discrepancy between my maturity in pretty much every other aspect of life and the maturity in dealing with one-on-one relationships with males is astounding.  And I guess the fear of not being good at something is what lessens my desire for the situation.  Because you know, I'm not a perfectionist or anything...(And I know this is ridiculous, deep down.)

Social Constructs: I have a huge problem with society, and most especially society's "rules" and expectations regarding a relationship.  My ideal relationship is quite different from the so-called "norm."  In addition, those who have tried to date me always assume that it is society's relationship that I want.  And I have no idea why!  I know these myopic male suitors are unworthy of me if they cannot see past their own superficiality and simply add me haphazardly to the equation.  But it does get annoying after the fifth or sixth time.  Come on, guys.  

The Fool on the Hill: I have this irrational fear of being fooled. I've seen it dozens of times: People are in a relationship, get caught up, and then realize that they made a bad decision or fooled by some precious aspect of a person, etc.... I do not want to be fooled by some knight who sweeps me up onto his horse (heehee, read La Belle Dame Sans Merci for the innuendo).  I do not want someone to "change my mind" about love and relationships.  I do not want someone to "convince" me that I am missing out on something.  The only way he can do this is by being an amazing individual that will spur my changing of my mind.  Duh. Isn't this how it's supposed to work?  I've seen examples in my own family in which females with low self-esteem have married men who were not exactly a good match for them---and I never want to be counted among those women.  Their talents and spirits are being wasted and going ignored and under-appreciated in fairly suffocating marriages.  Get it?  Yeah, neither do I.  Not for me.

Related to foolishness: I value my intelligence, and love and passion have the potential to make you act stupidly.  I guess this idea is something that leaves a yucky taste in my mouth just as much as it tears me apart because I know in my heart I want to know what that kind of abandon of reason and logic feels like.  Aye, there's the rub.

Also related: When you've been perceived as a kind of passive, weak individual for most of your life, you want to do everything in your power to prove to others that you are not easily manipulated, but in-factual-stead, are quite the fiesty opposite.  And so you must demonstrate this in a variety of ways, including the rejection of relationships (And by "you," I mean "me" and "I.").

Plus (somewhat related, somewhat not), I don't want to end up hating anyone, especially someone I shared so much of myself with.  Even though I know I probably could never loathe someone because of this weird heart in my chest. (Did you expect it to be "normal" or "average?" I know not what these words mean...)

Few strike me.:  Very few males have struck me in a way that I wanted to get to know them completely.  Chalk it up to poor or limited experiences, chalk it up to me closing off myself, or blame it on the community in which I live.  No matter, doesn't change the fact that I've yet to find someone who can engage me intellectually, physically, and emotionally. (Which, I suppose, is fine because that just means I've been conscious of what I deserve and have not tried to force any futile relationship "just because.")  

I'm starting to think no one can really handle me.  I am quite a fabulous individual. ;p Someone needs to be able to appreciate every facet of my being, not just the one or two sides that suits him.  I know that's silly to even mention; but when you've been cuckolded and stereotyped for the majority of your life, it's worth mentioning as it has become one of my greatest pet peeves right up there with littering.  At the same time, I am not some great princess (God, I hate that word) to be set atop a pedestal and worshipped.  You had just better be able to handle my obscene amount of Back to the Future, Harry Potter, Aladdin, 101 Dalmatians, and Kaleidoscope references while I share with you my theories and imagine worlds that don't exist...yet...

I guess this is really a pointless post, but the thoughts have been swirling around for months; they deserved some kind of concrete repository for now.  Plus, if anyone ever asks me in conversation about relationships, it'll be easier for me to talk about.  Because, you know, this reasoning are part of normal-people thoughts.