#sup2c

In March of this year, I lost my friend, my Pops after a long courageous battle with cancer.  I created this blog to not only as a cathartic outlet for myself, but also to share our journey with our battle with cancer. Nowadays, you hear on the TV or through social media of people who are affected by cancer in some way.  This is our story, this is my Pops, he isn't just a statistic, this is his last courageous stand against cancer.

My Pops is a fighter, courageous and brave in his journey and battle against lung cancer, throat cancer, and finally a recurrence of lung cancer in his remaining lung.  But throughout his journey, there were many ups, many downs, but there was always lots laughter and lots love.

We were told by the hospice workers or "Earth Angels" as they should be called, to expect to experience the stages identified in the grieving process.  The process is identified with 5-stages, the first stage is Denial & Isolation; second is Anger; third is Bargaining; fourth is Depression; and lastly, fifth is Acceptance. Funny, but I didn't experience all of these stages or in any specific order, but I know I had already come to accept the inevitable.

Looking back since his passing, as those days turned into weeks and the weeks turned into months, I realize that I spend less time thinking about my Pops, not because I miss him any less, but I think it's because my mind is finally adjusting to the fact that there aren't any more doctor's appointments or thinking about if we are well enough to go to the park with the dogs and have a bento on the bench watching the waves or planning that fishing day that he wanted to do.

Today I still touch his urn when I get up in the morning to greet him and bid him a "Good Morning", the same goes for my night time ritual as well.  It has gotten more routine now that I don't expect to wake up and see him at the computer or sitting in his chair reading the paper or just being there.

Funny, I think my mind has been split into 2.  It seems now I have a wishful and a logical mind.  My logical mind has accepted the fact that my dad has passed, he is no longer in pain, he is free from all of the constraints he faced while being here in the physical world. But my wishful mind thinks he's still here, maybe he's in the hospital and hasn't come home yet or out on a fishing trip or something else.  My wishful mind can keep on coming up with excuses, but my logical mind always wins.  Sometimes I hate my logical mind, especially when I start to feel that crushing feeling in my chest, my eyes feel heavy and burn a little, then as my tears start to fall.  I realize I need to invest in waterproof make-up now.

i'm just so proud of my Pops.  He had fought so hard, so long against cancer.  To me, he will always be my friend, my father, my hero who helped shape me into the person I am today, and an important pillar in my world.

As much as I miss him, I wouldn't bargain for additional time. Although I don't feel as though the time we had was nearly enough and with that I know that I am just a greedy daughter. But if given the chance to have had more time with him, my answer will always be "No.".  I wouldn't want my Pops to suffer any longer. I would want him to be free of all of those tubes and be able to eat whatever he wanted and enjoy it. So yeah, I'm the type of girl who wants her cake and eat it too - greedy, but with standards.

There is a poem by Helen Steiner Rice that best fits my Pops' personality.  I shall end this blog with it as I can find no other good way to end with.  I hope you enjoy it as much as my family and I do.

MISS ME - BUT LET ME GO

When I come to the end of the road And the sun has set for me. I want no rites in a gloom-filled room. Why cry for a soul set free?

Miss me a little but not too long, And not with your head bowed low. Remember the love that we once shared. Miss me, but let me go.

For this is a journey we all must take. And each must go alone. It's all a part of the Master's Plan, A step on the road to home.

When you are lonely and sick of heart Go to the friends we know. And bury your sorrows in doing good deeds. Miss me - but let me go.

- Helen Steiner Rice -