ANYway, i’ve been dealing with a resurgence of feelings about all that because of the self-indulgent film project (which we watched last night and hA, don’t get me started) and also because he messaged me on facebook with “I just wanted to send this and say that I’m sorry for a lot of things in our relationship. I didn’t have the perspective at the time to know when I wasn’t reacting properly,” which, okay, okay, you literally have not the slightest fucking idea but okay. and everything that i internalized from those five years that i hadn’t yet broken free of when i jumped headfirst into things i wasn’t ready for - all the poisonous ideas about what is expected of me and how i am supposed to please in a partnership - those things that directly affected how quickly the next few unstable relationships crumbled...am i supposed to forgive you for that, too?
i’m so glad that i’m here and now and no longer there and then, but sometimes i am still angry and sad about what he did and the time i lost and the relationship with myself that i could have had so much sooner.