#sullenload

you’ll fall in love and it’ll be the sweetest most painful experience. you’ll wonder why you were ever allowed to fall in love in the first place. you’ll wonder why it has to hurt so much and why it for some reason won’t ever stop hurting. why your eyes never stop being swelled from crying your ass off at 2 am. why you can’t seem to get rid of the thought she never wanted you in the first place. why you can’t realize that maybe you were something special for once. but also, you’ll miss the times she would stay on the phone with you because you were sad and wouldn’t stop crying, and she promised she wouldn’t sleep until you were sure you’re okay. sometimes you lied a little bit so she could finally get sleep. you’ll miss the times she’d randomly call you because she missed your voice or you in general, and whatever mood you’re in, she slowly cascades you out of it. you’ll miss the times she would laugh and it showed all of her teeth and you just stared at her in awe. oh and don’t forget about missing her stupid jokes she’d make up and the way she’s so obsessed with anything and everything. you’ll miss the way she wore pink with a lot of things and how it clashed perfectly with her pale skin. you’ll definitely miss how she’d just quietly sing to herself while doing something else and every other note would be out of tune but it was the most beautiful thing. you’ll regret falling in love but falling out of it is what you’ll regret most. but you’re still in love, and still falling.

so there’s this girl. you like girls but this is the first one you’ve ever really been with so you’re very scared you’ll fuck it up. because why wouldn’t you? you seem to have done it so many times already that any right decision seems suspicious. she shows you what love is supposed to look like. it’s not perfect, she says, but it’s not supposed to make you feel like a mistake. you tell her that you can’t help but feel like it anyway because everyone who has broken your heart ruined your normal; they changed you forever. to the point where every sentence from the girl you’ve fallen in love with feels like a lie. as if she knew that holding you by her finger can hold you up for however long she wants. and if that’s the case, you hope she doesn’t ever let go.

“What did I do to deserve you?” I ask. She chuckles and says, “There are so many reasons why, my love.” She takes my hand and gives it a kiss. She whispers, “The moon has all of its craters from blocking the things that were going to hit us if it weren’t there. What did we do to deserve that? What did Earth do for the Moon?” My brows furrow. “We didn’t do anything.” I say. “Exactly,” she says. “You didn’t have to do anything to deserve me.”