*****TW: SUICIDE IDEATION*****
a lot of people don't know what it means for someone struggling with depression or suicidal ideation to have that balance - the point of the shampoo & conditioner.
what it means to me is - when i have no other reason to stay alive, i decide to wait for the day both my shampoo and conditioner run out at the same time, and that's when ill unalive myself. i put that hope in an inanimate object and the chances of this happening is not very positive, which in turn helps me keep going even though i wanna give up.
while most days i hate myself and don't wanna live anymore, this thought helps me stay for a little bit longer till im feeling better.
written below is something ive created partially, to explain how suicidal ideation makes me feel and how i cope:
sometimes im exhausted of waiting
waiting for things to align
waiting for the day everything falls into place
and the reasons to die arent all that benign
the day my cuts dont itch anymore
the day my little sister is all grown up
the day my partner is repulsed by me
the day both my shampoo and conditioner finish up
the day i cant bear the thought of another tomorrow
the day all my "friends" accept they cant fake it anymore
the day everything is aligned
and the reasons to die arent all that benign
i will stop holding on
but till then
if i still have some shampoo left
this world wont be rid of me
