#suffermoreyear

The problem with Facebook - and all social media, really - is that it creates this massive illusion that everybody and their mothers lead better, more exciting, more fulfilling lives than you. You feel like you're the only one wallowing in your misery while everyone else on your newsfeed won Some Fucking Award or got trashed at Some Fucking Music Festival with a bunch of friends who are obviously Way Fucking Cooler Than You. You feel like the world is basically shoving a huge middle finger up your ass with every mupload, every status update, every profile picture that screams "MY LIFE IS SO DOPE AND YOURS ISN'T HAHA #RATCHET" while you're on the tenth hour of your one-man, pajama-clad Breaking Bad marathon. And frankly, I'm totally guilty of putting up elaborate Facebook facades myself, but now I'm here to break that shit for you, because I believe in breaking norms and also because I just really don't want to write this paper.

Sophomore slump cannot even begin to describe the intensity of the shitshow that was this year, especially this past semester. Ninety-five percent of the people I know would never have guessed in 65 million years that I was having so much trouble with myself just because of the way I acted on Facebook or in real life when I was with them. But real talk, this year was fucking tough as balls - I scraped rock bottom and scraped it HARD. I've missed more than 60% of my classes semester, I skipped an important test and never made up for it, I didn't buy any of my textbooks for one class and now I have no clue as to how I'm going to study for the final. Not to mention I withdrew from two classes and since I'm Asian that's like basically cutting my foot off or some shit. I mean, there were definitely some factors that led me to such drastic measures, but ultimately the fault is mine. Which obviously makes me feel worse. In any case, I've lied to my parents, I've lied to my friends (read: "nah dude I'm okay" is the biggest fucking lie in this time and space continuum), I've sat in a random classroom crying for absolutely NO FUCKING REASON feeling like a complete dumbass (ok actually I had a pretty legit reason but I don't feel like talking about it here. oh and then I ordered NHK afterwards which made me feel even worse LOL). I'm surrounded by people and yet sometimes I get this sense of increasing isolation and detachment from everyone at this school that's making me lonelier than ever.

I second-guessed, third-guessed, five hundred-guessed pretty much every important decision I had ever made since middle school because suddenly I was hit with the feeling that I'd blindly hurdled through life up to this point with no real thought of the consequences that would ensue, and now I'm paranoid as hell as to what opportunities I could be missing out on. Goddamnit Jane! If you had just known what you know now a little earlier!! And all of this doesn't even begin to uncover all of the other non-academic issues (external and internal) I ran into this year. Multiple times I've tried to pinpoint the origins of my stupidly hormonal anguish (#firstworldproblems) but at this point I've concluded that there are too many complex and intertwining factors to single out just one cause. And damn son, holy shit. IT'S. FUCKING. SUFFOCATING.

I hope I'm not coming off as too bitchy and moany. I'm really not trying to earn any sympathy or whatever; I don't need it, I don't deserve it, and I don't have time for it (no really, my paper is due in 5 hours). So is it just me who's feeling/ever felt like this? I dunno, probably not. I'm not going to dwell on it. It fucking sucks but time only moves forward so now I'm just going to face the fact that yeah ok, I fucked up this semester, so I need to salvage what I can during this last week of finals and then contemplate on what I should do with myself over summer vacation so that I can return to campus as a more centered and more motivated individual next year. And despite all of this ratchet-ass stupidity, I've still had some great moments with spectacular people. Life can't always awesome and whatnot, but it's still worth living and learning. Learning and living. WhatTHEFUCKever. That was cheesiest shit I've ever written and now I want to die.

Well if you made it to the end of this post then I commend and thank you; this was probably boring as fuck to read. I'm not even sure why I posted this publicly but at least I feel a little bit better. And now it's time to get back to my paper so we out.

-- Jane