#suf fic

It only took a few minutes to get ready for the day, and once he did, he debated getting out. He’d filled up on gas last night, he’d grabbed breakfast and put it on the front seat, he had his clothes out and ready for himself- he’d gone to every measure to make sure that if he didn’t want to leave the car today, he wouldn’t have to. 

Though, sitting here now, he wasn’t sure if he wanted to stay cramped up in the car all day. 

To test the waters, he rolled down the window. The soft breeze blew in, and it felt... nice. It definitely reminded him of that day, but it was probably just because he’d been thinking about it a lot recently. He took a deep breath, and let it calm him. He felt... serene. 

Gathering himself, he opened the door. Nothing happened. He stepped out, and let the sunlight from the rising sun bathe over him, warm and welcoming. He smiled. He did it.

A few months ago, he’d have stayed in the car, no questions asked. Last month he probably would have, too, if a bit more reluctantly. But now? He was able to just exist naturally again. He was getting better. 

It was silly, wasn’t it? Being afraid that you would be afraid to go outside? But, he had a lot of triggers from that day, and his therapist had repeatedly told him that it didn’t matter how small or “stupid” a trigger was- it was still a trigger, and he was still valid. So no, he wouldn’t let his anxiety over this day a year ago get to him. He was okay. 

He climbed on top of his car, standing on the roof. He grinned, looking up at the sky. A few golden clouds dotted the air, standing out against the orange of the backdrop behind it. A few pine trees were rendered black against the bright sky, and a few birds flew in a V formation over his head. None of it bothered him at all. 

It was a beautiful morning. 

It happened. He was able to just exist with that fact. Would other things potentially upset him today because of that fateful morning a year ago? Probably. But for the moment, he allowed himself to enjoy this. Those things could wait. He would deal with it as it came. 

He wondered how pretty it had been that day. He couldn’t remember. He didn’t think he wanted to. He was sure it was beautiful then, too, like a canvas painting. But, it didn’t matter. He acknowledged the thought, then dismissed it. 

A frustrated groan tugs itself out of her throat, and she puts her head in her hands. “It just isn’t fair. Why am I being expected to decide something that will shape my entire future? Our brains aren’t even done developing, Steven! We’ve still got nearly a decade!”

“Uh, well—”

“How do I even know that the thing I really want to do, the thing I’m really interested in right now, is going to be something I’m always interested in? Or should I be going for a hobby, like art, something I really enjoy but I’m not necessarily good at, but that’s an extremely competitive field, and…”

“Why don’t…”

“And Mom thinks I should be preparing for grad school already, like I have any idea how that could benefit me. I just… want to get away from all of it for a bit. Get a breather. Not have anyone breathing down my neck about something I haven’t even had time to think about, because I’ve been too busy with school!”

Connie gives a great sigh, leaning her cheek into her hand as she stares up at the moon overheard. “An apple farm has never sounded better.”

It’s getting late. The gems won’t be home for another day or two, if they’ll even notice he’s gone with how busy they’ve been. And Connie, in this lighting, has never looked so beautiful.

But then, he thinks that every time he sees her.

“Okay.”

She blinks. She looks at him with confusion written all over her face. “What exactly are you ‘okay’-ing?”

“Okay, let’s run away.” The look on her face is eerily close to the time he proposed, so very quickly, he adds, “Not forever. Not even all the way to an apple farm, if you don’t want. But just for a night or two, maybe. Let’s go pretend none of that stuff exists.”

“Mom’ll have my head.”

“So?”

That gets a bark of laughter out of her. She shakes her head… and then she grins. “Okay. Let’s go be rebellious teenagers.”

Steven giggles. “Can’t be rebellious if no one told us not to do this.”

“Ooh, I like the way you think, mister.”

She takes her hand in his, and they both laugh.

This is a far better idea in theory than it is on paper.

-

Rather than take the bus, they pile into Steven’s car. Steven grabs a few things to keep them overnight — mostly just a change of clothes, his toothbrush, only the basics. They swing by Connie’s house, where Steven grabs her and floats up to her window so she can grab what she needs.

They’re like ninjas.

His heart’s thudding in his chest, anticipation rising. The last time they did something like this, it had been over in an instant. Alexandrite chased down the bus and forced them out, and he’d lost his TV privilege for one thousand years.

Hard to believe it’s been three years since then.

But now, no giant woman pursues them. They drive out of the city, radio on, Connie gazing at the scenery with an expression between adoration and awe, and Steven’s heart softens at how the only other time he’s seen her with that look is when she looks at him.

It’s such a cheesy thought that he blushes, eyes back on the road immediately. 

“I think there’s some campgrounds about an hour out,” Connie suggests, almost startling him. “Do you wanna stay there for the night?”

“Oh. Sure.” He grins. “Getting back to nature, huh?”

“I haven’t been camping in so long.” Her voice is nostalgia colored in melancholy, and Steven knows she needs this.

“Camping it is, then.”

-

They do not have a tent.

They lay down on the top of his car and watch the stars.

“You know,” Connie murmurs, “I used to dream of being an astronaut. Of exploring planets in other solar systems, documenting everything, enjoying it maybe way too much.”

“Yeah?”

“Then everything happened.” Dread sinks into his stomach like lead, mouth drying, as he realizes what she means. “And… I don’t know. Maybe that’s not what I’m meant for.”

“How would you know?” He swallows, unable to look at her. His gaze remains fixed on the cloudless night sky, as he struggles to withhold what he can already tell would be his pink glow. “What you’re meant for?”

“I don’t know.”

In the silence that follows, Steven prays for what he isn’t meant for.

-

They sleep in the car. Connie on the backseat, and Steven in the driver’s, pushing the back far enough for him to at least sleep at an incline. He drapes his jacket over Connie to use as a blanket when he thinks she’s out, but she opens her eyes and offers him a smile that devastates him.

-

The next morning, when they’re back on the road, they get just enough reception for Connie to see she’s missed eight calls and has three voicemails.

“Shit.”

It’s the first time Steven’s heard Connie curse.

“Don’t worry about it.” Steven smiles, hoping to assuage her fears. “This is about you right now. Not them. So we’ll only go back when you’re ready to go back.”

Connie bites her lip. “No, I must’ve really worried them. I can’t believe I didn’t even text them to let them know what I was doing… I’m gonna call them.”

“No, don’t worry about it!” He laughs and hates how forced it sounds, for the look Connie sends him. He keeps his eyes on the road. “We could go another night. They’ll be fine.”

“Steven, they’re clearly not—”

“It’s not like they’ve even noticed!”

“They clearly have—” Connie cuts herself off this time. She furrows her brow, and then she reaches for his phone.

“Uh, hey…”

“You haven’t had yours even on.” She boots up his phone without asking him. “Steven, if you’re worried they won’t notice, you have to give them the chance to show it.”

He bites his tongue. Connie presses a few buttons on his phone, and then there’s a voice.

“You have one new message. First message:”

“Hey, Schtu-ball.” It’s Greg. The relief is so immediate and so intense that his eyes water and he doesn’t get why. “I don’t know what’s going on, but both you and Connie are missing, and the Dondai’s not here… I know things have been pretty rough lately, so. Call me when you can. I don’t want to push you, but I’m worried about you. I love you, kiddo.”

“End of message.”

Steven pulls over, pressing his wet, snotty face into the sleeve of his jacket, and Connie puts her arm around him and pulls him in.

No messages from the gems, even though both Amethyst and Pearl have phones by this point. But it’s fine.

Maybe Garnet foresaw his return.

“I don’t want to go back yet,” he tells Connie. “Is that… okay?”

“... Yeah.” It’s hesitant, but Connie gives a gentle sigh and rubs his back. “I’m gonna call my mom and explain what’s going on. But we don’t have to go back just yet.”

“Thanks.”

-

The next night is spent at a run-down motel that Steven recognizes a little too well. They’re on the border of Delmarva and Keystone, and they spend the evening with their bare feet dipping into the swimming pool.

“What are you going to do if the gems don’t call you?” Connie asks.

Steven huffs. “I don’t know.” He doesn’t want to think about it.

He’s not even sure if he wants them to call at all.

“Well…” Connie’s fingers interlace with his. His heart skips a beat. “It’ll be nice to sleep in an actual bed tonight. You know?”

“Yeah.” He smiles. “I know.”

Her phone buzzes. Connie glances at it, the phone turned away so Steven couldn’t sneak a peek even if he’d wanted to. “Oh, it’s my mom.” She pulls her feet out of the water, sighing. “I’ll be right back. You stay here, okay?”

He nods. Connie smiles and pulls her hand from his, grabs her shoes, and heads on back to the room with her phone pressed to her ear.

Steven groans and flops back against the pavement. What is he even doing? What point does this serve, to just… run away from all his problems? Why is he dragging Connie with him?

It’s better to run away with someone else than to do it alone.

No, Connie was the one who suggested it. It’s just that Steven’s the one prolonging it. He’s hijacked her journey, and he definitely shouldn’t have done that. He knows what that’s like.

Maybe he should go home. Even if none of the gems have noticed he’s gone, maybe that’s for the best. If he goes back now, he won’t have to explain himself to them. Or maybe they’d ask where he’d been, he’d say he’d gone for a walk, and they’d just shrug.

But Connie’s parents had noticed right away when she didn’t come home.

Pink explodes out of him, too bright, turning himself into a beacon in this poorly lit swimming pool in the middle of a poorly lit parking lot. He winces and struggles wildly for a moment to contain it—

Then a sound interrupts him. There’s the screech and stench of burning rubber, a sudden brake, and then the sound of a door opening and slamming shut. He turns, anxiety spiking — pink refusing to disappear — and sees the Maheswarans’ car pulled up beside the pool.

But it isn’t the Maheswarans that are charging him right now.

“STEVEN!”

Amethyst slams into him, knocking him into the chlorine pool water. Steven gasps as he surfaces, the water seeping through his organic jacket, but then Amethyst’s arms are gripping his shoulders, shaking him. “What the hell, man! What are you doing?!”

“H...huh?” At least she’s stuck in the water with him.

“You can’t just leave without any sort of notification,” Pearl says. Steven looks up to see both Pearl and Garnet standing on the pool’s edge, bizarre expressions on their face. He hasn’t seen anything like it before. Anger and… something else.

… Concern? Or is that just him hoping, projecting?

“You guys could’ve called me,” Steven mutters as he moves to the edge of the pool, pulling himself out. “I would’ve answered.”

“No, you wouldn’t have.” Garnet’s voice is resolute, firm, unyielding.

“I might have!” he snaps. “You can’t just -- just decide that for me! I didn’t even know you guys were coming, I didn’t even know you guys cared, I…!”

“Dude.” Amethyst swims on over, hopping out of the pool right next to him. “Are you… okay?”

Steven blinks.

“I…” He works his throat, but despite everything, he can’t find it in himself to articulate an answer. His eyes water, and he tries very, very hard not to let them see. “W...what are you even doing here? How’d you know I’d be here?”

Pearl smiles, though it doesn’t quite seem genuine. “Your location was on.”

“Huh…?” He could’ve sworn he turned it off before he turned off his phone. 

He tries not to think about what that means.

“C’mon,” Amethyst beckons, grabbing his hand. “Let’s head home, okay?”

“You are in big trouble for just up and leaving us, young man.” Pearl’s voice is stern, hard. “Connie’s going to go home with her parents, while we are going to walk to the nearest warp pad. All four of us. And we’re taking away your TV privileges again.”

“I don’t even really watch TV anymore,” Steven mutters in resignation.

He hasn’t done anything he likes to do in a long time.

“W-well… We’ll…” Pearl blushes, flustered, and quickly tries to recover. “Well, we’ll find something to take away from you! You can’t just do whatever you want!”

For a moment, the anger builds in him again. What are they even doing? Are they trying to — to discipline him? After years and years of letting him solve their problems for them, now they’re trying to do parenting right?

… Oh.

They’re trying.

“You ready?” Garnet asks.

His eyes water again, and somehow, slowly, his pink glow fades. “Yeah,” he murmurs, exhausted. “Yeah.”