All the #sharpwin feels
I’ve become obsessed with New Amsterdam. Maybe it’s because it takes place in a NYC hospital and it makes me nostalgic for my training days, maybe it’s the amazing writing and acting, but yeah it’s probably sharpwin giving me life right now. And this latest episode is all up in my head and I felt like I wanted to take that last scene in another direction. Because Max needs a breakdown y’all and it needs to happen with Helen. So yeah, it’s short and probably bad because I basically word vomited it up last night but here ya go anyway.
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“So you found a reason to stay?” he asked quietly, meeting her eyes. She held his gaze for a long moment, and smiled softly. His own smile widened, and he nodded, but then his gaze faltered as he felt tears start to choke into the back of his throat as the sudden relief flooded through him. He closed his eyes and looked down, breathing deeply to get control of his emotions.
“Max?” she asked, concerned, placing a hand on his forearm.
“I’m sorry…” he whispered, and covered her hand with his own. He squeezed, asking her silently to give him a minute. She granted him that, but then reached out and placed a palm on his cheek, turning his face to hers.
“Talk to me…” she pleaded with him.
He nodded, giving her a watery smile. “Today was just a lot.” he said softly. “And I’m just really, really happy you’re sticking around.” She nodded, holding his gaze, trying to read between the lines and see what he was trying to say without saying it.
“Are you okay?” she asked softly.
He shook his head and chuckled. “Not entirely, no.”
She nodded. “Okay. Wanna talk about it?”
He smiled. “I have to get Luna home.”
“I can pick up some food and meet you at your apartment in an hour.”
“Okay.” he answered without hesitation.
They smiled at each other until she reached out and wrapped her arms around him in a firm hug. “You’re not going to lose me.” she whispered in his ear. “Not if I have a say in the matter.” He nodded into her shoulder.
“Thanks.” he whispered.
They pulled away from each other and she reached out to pull his hat further down to cover his ears. “Get that little girl home and out of this cold. I’ll see you in an hour.” He nodded and gave her a little smile as he moved back to the stroller. “Any requests for food?” she called as she turned away from him.
“You pick.” he called back. “I trust you.” She startled at his words and looked up and he winked at her, then turned and walked briskly down the sidewalk as her stomach did somersaults.
An hour and a half later they were seated on his couch, the remains of Thai food containers left forgotten on his coffee table, the baby monitor illuminating Luna’s sleeping form, cozy in her crib.
“I’m sorry about before.” he said softly, turning to prop his arm up on the back of the sofa, leaning his head against his fist. “I don’t want you to think I was… how did you put it that one time? Using my emotions to manipulate you.”
“Max…” she shook her head, trying to stop him.
“No really, I meant what I said before. I want you to go where you feel fulfilled. You deserve nothing less than that. I never want you to stay because you feel some obligation to me.”
“I know that.” she said, reaching out to touch his arm. “I know that Max.”
He let go of a held breath, and smiled at her, nodding. “I’m going to find a way to fix this. You don’t deserve this demotion.”
She shook her head. “Max, you don’t need to - “
“Helen, yes. After everything…” he paused, remembering the sleeping baby down the hall and lowered his voice. “After everything you’ve done for the hospital, for your patients… God, Helen after everything you’ve done for me, the absolute least I can do is go to bat for you.”
She smiled at him, holding his gaze for a long moment. “Max. You can’t fix everything.” she said gently.
He nodded, as tears welled in his eyes at her words. As always she cut through the clutter and got right to the heart of what was going on inside his head. His world, spinning out of control, and him trying to catch what he could, trying to control and fix what he could. Because if he could fix it, then maybe his world would start to feel right again. “But I can try, right?” he asked, his voice catching as the tears began to fall. Her own eyes shined with tears as she moved closer to him and wrapped her arms around him tightly. He hugged her back, holding on to her desperately, and buried his face in her shoulder as he began to cry in earnest. She held him there on his couch, feeling his tears against the side of her neck. She rubbed his back, doing her best to comfort him, knowing he had needed this for months now. After a few minutes his tears had slowed, but he made no move to pull away from her arms. She stroked his hair gently as his breathing slowed and evened out.
“Max.” she whispered, “You do so much for so many people. You are as selfless as they come. But this loss that you’ve suffered is great, and it is not going to lessen no matter how much you can make right around you.” She pulled back from him and framed his face with her hands, wiping his tears with her thumbs. “The only thing that is going to lessen this hurt, is time.” he nodded, his eyes drinking her in. “You need to take the time to feel this loss, to experience it, to breathe through it. And as you do, eventually you will be able to feel it without it taking your breath away. This will always be a part of you. She will always be a part of you. But with time it will be a part of you that is bearable. I promise you.” He nodded, leaning towards her to rest his forehead against hers, letting his eyes close. “And I promise you that I will be here to breathe with you, if you need me.” He nodded again, and then moved to settle against her, his head on her shoulder as she rested her head against his, her hand slowly stroking his face.
“Thank you.” he whispered. And he sat with her, and he tried to keep breathing.
