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In February I was sitting in a room listening to one my superiors talk about crap that had nothing to do with anything important. I had recently finished a show that wrecked so much havoc on my mental health just the sight of the director of that show made my jaw clench. We had a guest in that room who used to work my dream job. That job, I am not going to say because I don’t want to watch someone else’s dream job die because of me. I’ve always loved theatre and I wanted to pursue Stage Management professionally. At least, that’s what I thought. But as I was sitting in that room, listening to the guest who used to have my dream job talk, I was soon horrified at the stories she told. About how she was treated, how the actors were treated and how crew was treated. As she was talking I felt the metaphorical path of my life I had so carefully paved out crumble beneath my feet and I was falling. I was trying to grasp something. Some sort of hope that I could still get my dream job and be happy doing it. But I had already fallen and landed hard on the rubble of the path. My ASM for my next show looked over at me and saw the perplexed look on my face. She gave me a sheepish smile and just said “it is a big company. Those things happen unfortunately.”

I remember calling my mom that night and telling her everything. I felt so defeated. She simply said “There’s lots of other theatre companies who would want you. You’re really good at your job.”

Call me overdramatic if you must.

But perhaps its because every single show I have worked in my Stage Management career has wrecked havoc on my mental and physical health. 

Perhaps its because every single show I have worked during my Stage Management career I only had one director that didn’t treat me and my crew like servants. But with just my luck, during that show I was harassed by an actor.

I remember my first big show I worked, the director was very verbally abusive toward me. Causing me to have a breakdown at least twice a week after rehearsals. It takes a lot to break me. But so quickly, I was beat down to a weak mouse who could barely stand on her own two feet. I remember I went to my boss and asked her multiple times “Why can’t I stand up for myself and the actors/crew because we all know this is wrong?” 

She simply said, “It’s not your place. This director is a control freak, get over it.”

This was the biggest slap in the face to me during the whole production. How helpless and silenced I felt because I was new and didn’t know what to do. It was tech week for this show when I started the Tumblr blog. I needed somewhere to vent. During the post mortem for this show the director (who had already directed many shows, but it was their first show at our theatre), said in front of the entire board, designers, everyone, “You know, I was new and (my name here) was new and you know, she’ll be good next time.”

I froze, speechless, tears instantly coming to the back of my eyelids. This director who insulted me, verbally abused me and used me as their scape goat the entire show just wrongfully put me on blast in front of everyone. After I had held up her show on my shoulders with little help from anyone. I looked around the room to see a few designers shaking their head at me in disagreement. However as the ‘new’ stage manager, this absolutely crushed me and made me mad at the same time.

The next show I worked, the director had general ideas of what they wanted, constantly changed things on me (and the designers), then proceeded to use me as their personal assistant while scolding me for being supportive to actors. Yes, you read that right, I was scolded for being a kind and caring stage manager. This director also changed the schedule on me and the actors so many times that it got to the point I just wanted to say, “here is the schedule, you can change it everyday yourself and confuse the actors so they understand its fully you messing up all this work.”

This director would call designers to run throughs then proceed to waste an hour or more of everyone’s time working scenes instead of doing the actual run through causing us to run late. This director would be incredibly rude to my ASM’s and myself right in front of actors. This director threw things like their keys at me. Would respond to me trying to be helpful with “Well duh” or since they changed the schedule so much would respond to the call list for the day with “Uh no, that’s definitely not what we’re doing.” This making it look like to the actors I had no idea what was going on. But I think they [actors] knew. However, shockingly, this director treated me much better than the previous one I had mentioned and now the sight of them doesn’t fill me with dread, because shockingly this show was the best show I’ve ever worked.

I am exhausted. I am so sick of being used as a pin cushion and the scape goat for all the directors and actors I’ve worked with.

I am sick of working with actors who are full of hot air and think they are better than everyone else.

I am sick of working with directors who think so highly of themselves they don’t care who they destroy in their path of building their ‘reputation’.

I’m here to say. I need a break. Stage Management has exhausted me. I am exhausted.

Please, please, please, please do not let this ruin your perception of the theatre world. If you want to be a professional Stage Manager or something else in theatre, go. Pursue that dream. I was simply delt a crappy hand. I worked my ass off yet people continued to treat me like their scape goat, like complete and udder shit and it has not faired well on me. I am still incredibly grateful for the amazing down to earth people I did get to work with and appreciative of the opportunities I had, the things I have learned, the friends I have made and the fun stories I have to tell. I am incredibly grateful for the awesome support team behind me who have helped make stage managing possible while dealing with my chronic illness. I am incredibly thankful for my mom who let me call her and just vent so many countless times. I am incredibly thankful for my fur children who were always a pleasant face to see when I came home. Lastly, I am incredibly grateful for my amazing friends and ASM’s who kept me sane during tech rehearsals and were a witness when things got sticky with vindictive directors.

If I have learned anything from my time as an SM. It’s to speak up for yourself. Call people out (nicely) when they are being rude, vindictive and unfair. Anyone who tells you it’s not okay to speak up for yourself and concerns for your own/crew/actor safety is not someone who you should be working with.

So this is me, signing off. I need a break. I am simply exhausted. I am emotionally, physically and mentally drained.

I am making a career change (hopefully), I got a temp job while tying loose ends in the current city I am living and moving back home next year to pursue a true passion and dream of mine I’ve had since I was six that has nothing to do with theatre. Stage Management has always been a back up plan of mine anyway (ironic, right?). I won’t be gone forever and I’ll check the blog frequently for your asks. I will post funny stories as I remember them or as they are submitted. I’m not abandoning you all. I’m simply stepping down from Stage Management for a while, perhaps permanately if my dream job takes off. I just need some time off from theatre. I need time to heal. I need time to recover.

Thank you all for being the best group of followers I could ever ask for. I’m still here for you. I still look forward to reading your submissions and answering your asks.

Talk soon.

aww thank you!!! and of course, this blog wouldn’t be what it is without you guys who submit things too! <3