#stuttertalk

I have woken up everyday for 23 years. I have stuttered everyday for nearly as many years. I will, hopefully, go to sleep tonight, God willing, I’ll wake up tomorrow, and guaranteed, I will stutter then too. It won’t go away as long as I don’t either. As much as I may hate it, my stutter is apart of me. It’s apart of my story but it will not be the period at the end of my sentence. It’s just a comma, telling me to take a break. A semi colon saying, hey pause and start again. As long as I’m here, my stutter is too. But there are worse places I could be, worse things I could have. I wake up and so does my stutter but that does not mean my confidence gets to sleep.

A stop in your speech does not mean you aren’t worthy of being heard. It means life is crazy unfair and you unfortunately have this block you have to deal with. And it’s so hard. And it’s so unfair. And it’s so okay to acknowledge that. It really truly is. You’re not feeling bad for yourself if you’re just acknowledging what’s happening. Not all of us are going to be those motivational kids in Facebook videos that have all the right things to say. And that’s okay. Because no one is going to have the balls to ask you why your voice shakes. And if they do, you have a fabulous platform and a beautiful voice to use to tell them. There’s nothing anyone can do or say to take away the beautiful, strong, worthy of being heard, voice you have.

I have no idea how to set up a podcast but I’ve been thinking about starting one..? Would anyone be interested and listen or have topics or anything? I know there are a few but they mainly tell other peoples stories. I’d like to stay focused on keeping it general and applying it to everyone. I don’t know. But for real.. please let me know.

You know the ironic thing about stuttering is it is a constant game of wanting what you can’t have. You want to order something specific, ask a question, say something, but you can’t. You just want fluency but you can’t have that either. One won’t necessarily solve the other, but it sure would help. And its infuriating. Have I tocuhed on that yet? It’s simply infuriating. Because no matter how much you want it, there’s not a whole lot you can do. So people’s reaction is to tell you to want something else. Want to have a day of fluency, to be happy, to enjoy yourself. But I want what I can’t have. I already said that. I just want it. Because everyone else gets it. So why can’t I. I’ll stutter right through that menu because damnit Louis I want my steak medium well. What I can’t have is permanent in the case of my stutter, but I can still have what I can’t have, because I want it.

Not understanding something is not an excuse to make fun of it. Not realizing something is not an excuse to make fun of it. My name will have as many letters as I give it and that’s not funny at all. It’s just my name.

One thing that bothers me to no end is when people cut me off mid stutter to try and guess what I’m trying to say. I understand that you’re trying to help, but honestly that’s just as bad as laughing at me. You acknowledging my problem and addressing it in your own way, only helps you. Meanwhile I’m still stuck and embarrassed I couldn’t do that myself. If I really need your help, I’ll ask. But for now, leave me to struggle with my words and be there for me when I need to rant about it. Cutting me off won’t help anything because this is a fight I stand alone in.

For anyone whose ever danced, professionally or not, you know it’s all about the rhythm and for the most part, you need to hear it to participate. Nyle DiMarco won “Dancing With the Stars” as a deaf adult and the reason this is so important is because he did what most people think a disabled person can’t do: he conquered. So much of my daily life is me trying to conquer things: getting through the work day, cleaning my room, doing dishes, etc. But the difference is, these are things nearly anyone with a speech impediment can handle. Dancing, while not being able to hear the music, is something most people wouldn’t even think to dream about. Yet here this guy is, doing a flawless job and coming out on top because he can. I’m so proud, happy and just grateful, really, that there is someone out there, with a disability (because it really doesn’t matter that it isn’t the same as mine) who recognized that difficult isn’t impossible and went on to set that example for millions of people. A disability isn’t a finish line, it’s a hurdle.

I don’t know about you, but it was a long time before I got help for my stutter. In order for therapy to be effective, you need to go like immediately. I literally had to start a riot before my parents considered doing something for me and I was 19. I’ve spent a lot of time blaming them and being angry with them just because it’s easy to blame them. As crazy as life with a speech impediment is for me, it isn’t so much easier for them considering they too were going through this for the first time. But the thing I kept asking was, “would you make someone with a broken foot walk to the doctor? Then why am I expected to call or ask for help?” See, the thing is, I just didn’t know what to do. I didn’t now I could ask for help because everyone around me ignored my stutter like it wasn’t there. How the hell was I supposed to know that maybe I couldn’t be “fixed” but there were tools and confidence to gain from help? So many people need this help but don’t know how to ask for it, and that’s why we have to promote dis-fluency. Just letting people know that some people aren’t perfect and need help is all it takes. It isn’t our fault we haven’t found our voices, we just didn’t know it was okay to use them. It’s okay to be a little angry, it just isn’t okay to stay that way. It isn’t your fault help didn’t know to answer, it just couldn’t hear you.