#stuttter

I have woken up everyday for 23 years. I have stuttered everyday for nearly as many years. I will, hopefully, go to sleep tonight, God willing, I’ll wake up tomorrow, and guaranteed, I will stutter then too. It won’t go away as long as I don’t either. As much as I may hate it, my stutter is apart of me. It’s apart of my story but it will not be the period at the end of my sentence. It’s just a comma, telling me to take a break. A semi colon saying, hey pause and start again. As long as I’m here, my stutter is too. But there are worse places I could be, worse things I could have. I wake up and so does my stutter but that does not mean my confidence gets to sleep.

A stop in your speech does not mean you aren’t worthy of being heard. It means life is crazy unfair and you unfortunately have this block you have to deal with. And it’s so hard. And it’s so unfair. And it’s so okay to acknowledge that. It really truly is. You’re not feeling bad for yourself if you’re just acknowledging what’s happening. Not all of us are going to be those motivational kids in Facebook videos that have all the right things to say. And that’s okay. Because no one is going to have the balls to ask you why your voice shakes. And if they do, you have a fabulous platform and a beautiful voice to use to tell them. There’s nothing anyone can do or say to take away the beautiful, strong, worthy of being heard, voice you have.

You know the ironic thing about stuttering is it is a constant game of wanting what you can’t have. You want to order something specific, ask a question, say something, but you can’t. You just want fluency but you can’t have that either. One won’t necessarily solve the other, but it sure would help. And its infuriating. Have I tocuhed on that yet? It’s simply infuriating. Because no matter how much you want it, there’s not a whole lot you can do. So people’s reaction is to tell you to want something else. Want to have a day of fluency, to be happy, to enjoy yourself. But I want what I can’t have. I already said that. I just want it. Because everyone else gets it. So why can’t I. I’ll stutter right through that menu because damnit Louis I want my steak medium well. What I can’t have is permanent in the case of my stutter, but I can still have what I can’t have, because I want it.

Now this is a personal story that I'm going to turn into a plea so bear with me. Today at lunch, I had a hell of a time ordering. So my aunt says, "just point to it". I cried all through lunch and in the Uber I got just to escape the situation. The worst part was that my mom and sister were there and said nothing. They've spent more time with me than anyone and didn't care to stand up. I can't even order lunch without being picked on. By my own family. And then they won't stand up for me. This one is for the non-stutterers: stand up. Be an ally. Help our voices be heard. No one will ever shame you for sticking up for them. They'll shame you for talking over them as if their stutter is taking up too much of their time. Stand up for your voice, his voice, her voice, their voice. Stand up, tall.

One thing I’ve heard people say and I’ve said myself, is something about being able to hide my stutter. I choose when to talk and switch my words around pretty quickly that I can ‘hide’ my stutter pretty well, for the most part. I most definitely have my days but I’ve heard people bring this up to me before. The thing is, I’m not trying to hide my stutter, I’m just trying to accommodate it for my own comfort. Hiding it would mean I’m ashamed or embarrassed. I mean yeah it’s hella embarrassing but more than that I switch around words or choose not to talk or utilize different tools because my own comfort is what’s most important. I mean what do I have to hide? I have a speech impediment and it sucks but that’s that. That’s all there is to it, nothing else to say or to hide behind. I catch each curve ball life throws at me one at a time, and sometimes I get to throw one of my own by ‘hiding’ my stutter, but that doesn’t mean it’s not still hiding in the open. 

The thing about my stutter, is I’ve accepted it. I know what it is, how to handle it, and I’m okay with that. But the thing is, I know you aren’t, and that’s okay too. You’ve probably never heard anyone have one before and unless you have, it’s hard to understand. I get that, and that’s why I’m writing you this letter. But I’m also writing to tell you that it isn’t going to stop me and if it does throw me off, I can get right back on track. You see the thing is, I know how to handle it and I know it’s just a part of my daily life, but other people, clients, don’t, and I also know that. So yeah, calling people and confronting people is real hard for me and I haven’t brought this up with you yet because how do I explain this without you feeling like you have to do my job for me and how do I explain this without making myself feel like I’m using my stutter as an excuse? Because the thing I really want you to know, is that it isn’t an excuse, it’s an explanation. If you’re comfortable with me calling and confronting clients, I’ll do it, stutter and all. And if you aren’t, I get that too. Some people don’t understand what I go through and maybe you’re not ready to defend me, because you just don’t know how. I understand that I’m here to work for you, but I need you to know that when it comes to my stutter, I’m okay with it even if you aren’t but I’ll have a hard time telling you about it, because of all that’s unpredictable: your reaction and my stutter.

I don’t know about you, but it was a long time before I got help for my stutter. In order for therapy to be effective, you need to go like immediately. I literally had to start a riot before my parents considered doing something for me and I was 19. I’ve spent a lot of time blaming them and being angry with them just because it’s easy to blame them. As crazy as life with a speech impediment is for me, it isn’t so much easier for them considering they too were going through this for the first time. But the thing I kept asking was, “would you make someone with a broken foot walk to the doctor? Then why am I expected to call or ask for help?” See, the thing is, I just didn’t know what to do. I didn’t now I could ask for help because everyone around me ignored my stutter like it wasn’t there. How the hell was I supposed to know that maybe I couldn’t be “fixed” but there were tools and confidence to gain from help? So many people need this help but don’t know how to ask for it, and that’s why we have to promote dis-fluency. Just letting people know that some people aren’t perfect and need help is all it takes. It isn’t our fault we haven’t found our voices, we just didn’t know it was okay to use them. It’s okay to be a little angry, it just isn’t okay to stay that way. It isn’t your fault help didn’t know to answer, it just couldn’t hear you.

Because, you see, that’s all I am. I’m just different. I have to spell things because it’s easier than saying them. Thing is, I get to decide how to run my life and how to say things. It isn’t your call, your place to judge, it has nothing to do with you. All I’m trying to do is live my life and I deserve the same respect as the next person because you have no reason not to give it to me. I can forgive you for not understanding, but I can’t forgive you for the ignorance of not trying to.