#stuffedraja

So hard to fight against the darkness creeping up around me...

I had gotten so used to the happiness I had... The pure joy you give me...

But now you're not here.. You can't help me... I can't help you...

How come everything..everyone wants to see us crash and burn? Why? What have we ever done?

A few little things here and there...but nothing no one else has ever done... Right?

But then why do they hate you so? Put you through this pain? Make you feel worse when your face is already in the dirt?

Why do they hurt you? 

Why do the people rip off my necklaces? Laugh in my face and toss them to the ground?

Why do the females start rumors about me? Why do they call me fat..ugly...

I know I don't do the best in relationships... but now that I'm happy everyone's telling me it's wrong...telling me to go before it's too late...

But if this isn't love...

If having someone call you at night just to hear your voice...having them want to come see you a minute after they leave...

If having someone who cares about me... Who I believe loves me as much as I love him, if not more, is so wrong that I should leave...

Then what's love?

Is it screaming at someone and making them feel terrible because you only want them to be friends with people you approve of?

Is it hiding away in your room, laughing and picking on other people when really all you want to do is go hug them?

Is it fucking because you're so angry about something no one can control, but you have to release your anger somehow so you ask her to do it rough?

Is it lying...telling so many stories that when everyone comes together at once you just scream and run away?

Is that what love is?

If thats what love is I've had it before...

And I cried everynight she was away from me because I didn't know how to leave without her make me feel like the bad guy...

But if all those things aren't love...

Then what is?

Shouldn't it be defined by the person you are? By who you're with?

Not by race, gender, age, personality...or by your past...

It should be defined by you...

Defined by every single one of us

Not by some man on a computer typing away trying to make money...

Not by some girl with bright pink hair tweeting about her life...

Not by your parents...trying to control their baby girl..make it so she never leaves...

No. It should be defined by us. By each and everyone of us. Everyday it should change.

It should never be the same.

Because everyday you grow wiser, everyday you fall harder in love, or move away from it.

Love is not something you can type into a computer, put in a post or a tweet.

It's not something you can explain to someone, though you can try your hardest...

Its something you have to go through...something you have to find out for yourself...

In my pride I stand alone. Not because I’m the king, no it’s because I challenge our way of life.

                In the jungle I walk with my mate. Though she is not a male, she keeps me warm and happy. This is not understood in my pride. They don’t understand how two females can be in love.

                They don’t like it and they often voice their opinions when we turn our backs to them.

                The king doesn’t like me because I’m not like regular females. When he yells I don’t roll onto my back and show him that I’m sorry. I roar back at him and challenge him to fight me.

                But he would never fight me. He knows I’m the strongest in the pride. I had to beat all the others so I could become a warrior. After I beat the teacher, I became the teacher.

                I taught the warriors all I could, but the rarely listened to me. They found me annoying, so I left the position to the oldest warrior.

                The only ones in the pride that like me, besides my family, are the cubs. They love that I play with them rather than push them aside as the others do. Their parents try to keep the cubs away from the diseased ones as the queen calls us.

                The queen hates me the most for I refuse to follow her example of how a female in the pride should act. I even push aside the time to be with our gods.

                The king must have found me very annoying for he made me and my mate leave the pride. We left quietly, didn’t argue with him. We knew in the back of our minds this was going to happen.

                We walked for days before we came upon others like us. Others tossed out of their pride for being different, unlike the rest. We gather more people each day, and soon there will be enough of us to challenge the prides. And we will not be defeated, for we will no longer be pushed aside, tossed under the rug, and made fools of.

I want to wake up every morning to the feeling of your arms around me. Kissing me to gently wake me up.

I want to wake from a nightmare to find you looking at me with love in your eyes.

I want to be able to come home after a hard day and find you waiting for me with a hug, kiss, and some cute little note somewhere in the house.

I want to look down at my left hand and see a ring, that tells the world I'm yours.

I want to walk down the aisle and see you waiting for me, with a smile on your face, looking like the happiest person alive.

I want to put my hand on my stomach, and feel a child moving beneath my skin, our child.

I want to hold him/her in my arms. Be able to look at you and say "Here baby, your turn to hold em."

I want so many things that you will never know.

But the one thing I don't want...Is someone else. I love you. All of my sides love you.

I don't care what anyone else thinks, because I don't need anyone else but you.

I feel like I've just killed him...

Killed myself...

I'm broken...

The only things that's keeping me from cutting deeper...from running to the next room and grabbing the sweet liquid that will end it all...is that he loves me...

He loves me...and he wouldn't be able to live if I left...

So I will hold back my tears when he sees me...I will smile, and hold him close...let him cry out everything...

We will become better for this...it's not for forever..even though it feels like it is...

We will be allowed to hug and kiss in my room soon...we will be allowed to see each other soon...I promise...

I'm so sorry I didn't fight hard enough for us my lion....

I'm more sorry than you will ever know...

....I'm also sorry I couldn't hold her back...she grabbed the blade and dug into the skin before I could stop her...but...there's not that many..theyre not that deep...I'm still alive, still breathing...it just hurts...that's all...

Be strong for us, be strong for me my lion...because I will do the same for you...I live for you...and if I have to go through this torture to prove to everyone how much I love you, I will. I'll do it a million times over if it'll let you see how much I want you...how much I need you in my life...

Though I want him to stay, I know he must go. Though it hurts, I know he doesn't need to be here. He needs to be in a place he's familiar with. A place without drama, without pain.

But I won't leave his side, ever. Whether I'm there as his friend, sister, girlfriend, lover...whatever I am to him, he will always be amazing to me.

When he is confused, I will smile, laugh, hug, tease, and kiss away all his doubts. Make him feel like the amazing person he is.

Because even though he doesn't believe it, and others may not believe it either....he is my prince, my lion. My lion who will someday grow into his mane and take on the world like he's meant to. And I hope that I can be by his side....because even though our relationship is strange, and many don't approve...I don't care. I hope I can watch him climb up the rock, in the showers of his past failures, his doubts, his broken dreams. Watch him climb up, face the sky, and roar his beautiful roar. The one that says "I'm not giving up. I'm here. I shall become the person I'm meant to be."

And I sincerely hope that when this time comes, I will be waiting for him, waiting until he comes down. So we can hug, smile, and laugh about our horrible pasts, laugh at them, and become better. Become the people we are meant to be.

Become the people two little boys, one who is watching from above, and one that I hope will be with us in the future, will be proud of. Proud to run to us, hug us, kiss us.