the reality of my studyblr account.
two years ago, going into my freshman year of highschool i started this account in hopes of becoming a glowing, productive, efficient and mindful high school student.
in reality however, it was my biggest nightmare.
my big eyed 14 year old self signed up for the maximum amount of honors classes i could while filling my entire schedule with more than i should’ve been legally allowed to. i took psychology instead of gym and engineering instead of a study hall and before i knew it i was biting off more than anyone could chew. at this point i only passed my freshman year with a D in geometry, a C in biology and a D in engineering. my motivation to take instagram quality notes, or even to take notes at all diminished until i was nothing. i couldn’t have even been bothered by the emails my parents were getting from my geometry teacher telling them i was one mark away from failing the class.
i prayed everyday that i could just start over, redo my entire year and fix the mistakes i set myself up to make. i hated how i couldn’t convince myself that i needed to change, my attitude towards school wasnt improving and i made myself empty promises that i would always start trying again, because i knew it was never too late to pick up my classes, until it truly was. i reached my finals and i looked at my grades and how i needed to pull the impossible on all those tests to change any of the grades. so i hoped for sophomore year to turn my life around. next year, next year i always told myself.
then next year came, i started my sophomore year by sporadically emailing my counselor at 2am four days before school started and dropping some of the honors classes i signed myself up for. i wanted to give myself space, although i was still taking the same amount of classes. i wanted to watch myself grow and attempt to reverse the mark i made on my transcript by starting all over.
it was a slow process, i counted on my new, triple AP, star student, 11th grade,4.5gpa boyfriend for help. he encouraged my growth and helped me when i needed it but i learned that even then when i had someone to fill out all my blank spaces in worksheets, it did nothing for me in class. i wanted to be better so badly but i wasn’t willing to give up any of the endless amounts of time i had. i was stupid, and although i didn’t have the C’s and D’s in any of my classes anymore i wasn’t satisfied with myself. i wanted to do better, i had to be better.
i don’t know what changed but i faced a wakeup call over winter break watching my boyfriend look at all the mail he was getting from universities i could only dream of getting into. he was so successful and i realized i was living all the dreams i had when i started my freshman year through him. the realities of harvard, MIT, princeton were acheieveable with work that he put in everyday but i knew i didn’t put in that same energy into my life. then it clicked.
i was in joy over my third quarter report card, my brand new set of straight A’s i had never seen since middle school. i couldn’t tell you what i did to get them, i couldn’t tell you what lessons i paid attention to, i couldn’t tell you how i managed to do anything, but i did. and i was grateful. i prayed for my final grades they would follow same, and they did. for some reason they did, i swear i’m as baffled as you are.
but im here to tell you this story because i want to start over, for real this time. no more miraculous grade changes, no more bullshit. i am going to be the best me i can be, and i don’t care what it takes. im sick of being sub par.
