#studying struggles

April 23, 2024

114/366 Days of Growth

Reviewing my notes for the upcoming ISC2 CC Exam last weekend.

The coffee shop atmosphere

Walking around admiring books

Being able to get away from home

Not stuck in a room

Bedroom, lounge, gym, dinner table

And any movement is one step forward

Two steps back to let someone past

I feel alone and disconnected

But not alone

I have him

But I miss other people

People who don't annoy me like they do

My family, my friends

Messages and calls only temporarily mend

This hole of freedom

I need a desk

I need quiet

Can't concentrate

Won't concentrate

Too many distractions

Drilling, guitar, slamming doors

But I need to pass

Need to keep going

I miss the small freedom

Of travel

To family and friends

Across the globe

For someone who has not achieved a lot, I sure have high standards for myself.

I think I'm this lazy genius who doesn't put any effort into anything they do, but once they lock in, great things will emerge from their blessed palms. Like magic that exists only when you will it to.

This is pure delusion btw, because I'll never know what I'm capable of until I try, in which I don't.

I'm terrified of pouring my all into a grade because I know getting anything less than extraordinary would destroy me. If I give everything, expect something, and get nothing, I will have deceived myself and unveiled my identity, my true self, and raw capabilities.

I will have to face who I really am: Nothing much. Mediocre. The worst of the worst.

What once stood sacred in my mind grows stale and sour, and I never want to swallow that fact, ever, so I never do, and I never try.

I probably should, though.

This mindset will never benefit me, not in the slightest. Standing still takes you nowhere. Even crawling brings you closer to a destination than staying frozen in place ever will.

So here's my prediction: I will try, and I will fail, again and again, but I think the courage it takes to get up on your bruised knees will teach you things walking never will.

Almost 40€ for a temporally access? Are you shitting me? Oxford Academic really overdestimates how badly I want to read a twenty-year old article.

I never really had to study in my younger years?? Because I was ‘gifted’ (don’t like that word lmao)??? But now I do and I have no idea how and I just feel so,,, lazy. If I don’t do well in this test and get in, I don’t know what I’ll do, because the thought of attending Oxford is my life, and as petty and childish as it sounds, I don’t know what I’ll do if and when I don’t get in. Despite that fear, I’m doing nothing to improve my chances. My test is in less than forty eight hours, and I’m on tumblr. It just feels like I can’t concentrate on it? I feel like I’m losing my mind every time I try and focus on just one thing for even a slightly lengthened period of time. It’s ridiculous, I just can’t do it, I dunno.

I don’t know why I’m making this other than out of sheer frustration because I think I’m about to start sobbing, so I’m sorry if you’ve read this at all. Probably delete later but I’m so so stressed and angry at myself for not studying.