#study angst

⚠️: Angst, Hurt / Comfort, Jealousy, Insecurities, Cursing, For everyone who worries about money along with their studies :(

It’s an ugly emotion. You know it is.

You hate thinking of your boyfriend in this way, but it’s hard when he seems to be completely oblivious. Satoru knows his family is wealthy — hell, people remind him MULTIPLE times a day. But you don’t think he fully grasps just how rich they are.

Honestly, it shouldn’t bother you. It’s none of your business. But when you see the added zeroes to your tuition and how you’re struggling to get by every single day, you break. You think about what it would be like to be born with a silver spoon in your mouth. You wonder if you’d be happier — you wonder if you’d understand Satoru.

Not only was he rich but also smart, handsome, well-liked, and worst of all — a man. One could argue, a white-passing man. He’s got all the privilege in the world.

You hated to admit it, but this turmoil has affected your relationship with Satoru. And of course, he’s noticed. Who wouldn’t when you’d barely look him in the eyes. You were sad, and he didn’t know what to do because you refused to tell him.

So, he sent Shoko to gather information. He knows it’s wrong, but he had to know if you’re okay; and if it’s his fault, he wants to fix it immediately.

—

Shoko laughs. “What’s on your mind, babe. You look so serious!”

“I dunno… maybe I kinda am.” You reply, less than uninterested.

She only sighs. “Tell me what it is, then. Hit it.”

You hesitate. Your thoughts were so fucking childish. It tugged at your heartstrings to even speak of. “I’m jealous.”

“Of? … Jujutsu Phi’s sweetheart? Oh, yeah, she’s a bitch! Super flirty with Satoru.”

“What? No — Fuck? What??”

“Oh! Never mind then!” Shoko quickly saves as Satoru internally facepalms, eavesdropping through a mic hidden in Shoko’s cleavage.

“Right.” You deadpan. “I’m jealous that Satoru was born lucky, and I was lucky to be born. His family makes the world go round while I’m still trying to take my stand.”

Shoko tries to keep things lighthearted, but she ends up overcorrecting. “This isn’t an episode of ATLA, babe. What’s the actual deal?”

You roll your eyes, clearly frustrated as you sit back on the couch. “I’m being fucking serious. I’ve noticed it more recently. When I’d try to tell him about those hardships, he’d just say something like ‘I’m sure you’ll find a way!’ Or ‘I can pay for it if you want.’ It’s fucking frustrating how thankful yet angry I am at the same time.”

“Satoru’s thoughtful but not the most emotionally intelligent person I know. He’s also a bit out of touch.”

You sigh. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad that he hasn’t gone through what I have, but is it really too much to ask for a man who would at least try to understand it from my perspective?? It’s quite literally over if I lose my scholarship. My parents can’t pay the school out of pocket!! I’m not like him.” You rant.

On the other end of the line, Satoru’s breath hitches. He feels the hot tears pricking his eyes. Is that really how he’d made you feel — poor, unwanted, misunderstood…?

Then, you start speaking again. “I’m just… tired.”

“I get that…” Shoko whispers.

You turn to her, not fully convinced. She wasn’t as well-off as Satoru, no one was, but you knew she barely had to worry about money. On top of that, she never had to worry about her grades. You’ve watched her, time and time again, ditch studying to drink and smoke while you beat yourself up trying to keep your 4.0.

It’s not their fault. You’d never hold it against them, but you can’t help but feel the hurt in your heart when they try to empathize with you, and you’re too jaded to accept it. Your mind felt like a prison of guilt, jealousy, and insecurity.

“Well, yeah. That’s it. I’m jealous of my perfect boyfriend.” You sulk.

—

After that day, he’s become more sensitive. He rarely goes to parties, opting to study with you in quiet rooms instead. You appreciate his presence, but the guilt ate you whole.

So one night, as he ditched another frat party just to study with you, hot tears made its way down your reddened cheeks. “Satoru!” You whine.

Without thinking for a second, he makes his way by your side and wraps his arms around you, lulling you to his chest. He doesn’t ask, he doesn’t wince.

“I hate you…” You whisper with no real bite.

“I know.” He replies, a small chuckle escaping his lips.

Satoru only hugs you tighter, taking you to your bed to cradle your back against him. He’ll never truly understand, but he would always want to stay by your side.

“I love you.” He mumbles against your ear.