#straycozy

Since you’d been best friends your whole life, you didn’t have to worry about getting to know each other from the start. It was almost too easy to be a couple. Your dates were a lot like just hanging out, but with more casual touches and so, so many more kisses. Kissing Renjun was like the feeling you get on the first true day of spring when the sun is hot on your skin, like that first delicious bite of decadent chocolate cake, like falling asleep to the soft sound of rain. You could spend hours just kissing and never get bored.

The strangest part of actually dating was when you were intimate. You’d swum with Renjun more times than you could count, had definitely changed in front of each other, and you were pretty sure you’d seen everything he had. Well, almost everything. And then, you had seen, felt, and tasted everything that was Huang Renjun. But him bare before you felt almost wrong, like you were too close to knowing his soul. But, maybe that was just because this was the last thing between you and you nearly knew his soul anyway. Even with the strangeness, everything was perfect.

You should have listened to the stories in the books you grew up reading. Be careful what you wish for. Look for the worm at the heart of the perfect apple. Everything comes with a price.

Eleven months passed in bliss with Renjun before things began to change. You’d both started your third year of college and were busier than you’d ever imagined you could be. The time you spent together dwindled until you only saw each other two or three times a week instead of multiple times every day. Communication became almost strained, with you calling and messaging Renjun more than he ever did you.

But, you were still in love.

One day, Renjun seemed to disappear. You couldn’t get in touch with him no matter how hard you tried, and his friends wouldn’t give you a straight answer. As the sun set, you found yourself growing angrier and angrier at your boyfriend. Leaving you with no notion of where he was or what he was doing? Did he not know how much you’d worry? You didn’t have to spend every waking moment with him—in fact, you preferred if you didn’t—but at least knowing he was okay would be nice.

More than nice. Necessary.

Renjun was back the next day as if nothing had happened. He showered you with the usual affection, promising to take you out for a fantastic date that weekend.

When you asked where he’d been the day before, all he could say was “Around. I just needed a day to myself. Stop bothering me, Y/N.”

No matter how many times you asked, no matter how nicely you said you loved him, he wouldn’t say more. Two hours later, you were just as frustrated.

“Renjun, I’m gonna go home,” you grumbled, gathering your things. Renjun just continued reading silently. “If you ever decide that you’re going to tell me where the hell you were yesterday and why you’re now ignoring me, let me know. Until then, I’ll be at home, probably binge-watching a show.”

“No, don’t watch our show!” Renjun said, finally looking up.

“Really?” you demanded. “That’s all you have to say right now?”

“What . . .”

“I’m going home. Call me tomorrow so we can talk.” You firmly closed the door to his apartment behind you, relishing the satisfying thunk the wood made.

When you got home, you practically ran to the bathroom to strip off your clothes and hurl yourself into the shower. The heat of the water always helped calm you. After what was probably too long in the shower, you put on your cat onesie and crawled into bed with your laptop. Just to spite Renjun, you watched a full two seasons of the show the two of you had been watching together. You didn’t care what he thought.

As you’d hoped, you and Renjun made up the next day and he did take you on that fantastic date. He’d said that he truly had just spent the day by himself—he’d gone on a hike in the nature preserve nearby, and even had pictures as proof. Although, to your slightly suspicious mind, they could’ve been taken anywhere. But, you had to think the best of your boyfriend, had to trust him.

Three weeks later, you couldn’t have guessed when you woke up that morning that it would be the last time you would ever say “I love you” to Huang Renjun.

It was the day after your one-year anniversary, and Renjun showed up at your door looking utterly bedraggled. He hadn’t even hugged or kissed you when you let him in, just shoved by you into the living room. Frowning, you walked into the room to see Renjun pacing back and forth along the length of your sofa.

“Ren, what’s wrong?” you asked, reaching out to touch his arm. Renjun flinched away, and you withdrew your hand to cross your arms as you stood in front of him. He didn’t answer.

“Renjun,” you tried again, trying to keep weeks of frustration and confusion out of your voice, “babe, just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll help or do anything I can! I love you. I hate seeing you like this. What happened? Please, just tell me.”

Renjun was silent for what seemed like a hundred years, finally coming to a stop so that the two of you were directly facing each other over the coffee table.

“You really want to know, Y/N? Do you really?” he spat. You’d never heard Renjun sound like this before: angry, despairing, and like he was at the end of his tether.

“Yes! Just tell me and then maybe we can fix it or I can help or something!”

Renjun let out a laugh that was mostly a sneer, and leaned across the intervening space between you. You had to stop yourself from stepping backward.

“I don’t love you anymore,” he said with deliberate care, the words coming out of his mouth like bullets fired at close range. “There. You asked what was wrong and I told you. I don’t love you anymore and haven’t for weeks.”

You felt hot tears begin to slide down your face as you stared numbly back at him. Didn’t love— No. No, no, no. NO!

“I don’t believe you,” you said, your voice barely audible but you knew your fury could be heard nonetheless. “You fucking bastard. I can’t believe it. What happened?” Your voice rose as you lost your grip on your anger. “Did you find someone else? Don’t lie to me. What the hell happened? Did I get boring? Could you just not take it anymore? What the fuck, Renjun?!”

He just stood there as you yelled. He didn’t try to defend himself, didn’t try to make excuses. Once you’d called him every name you could think of, Renjun raised his eyebrows.

“Are you done?” he said sardonically.

You spluttered.

Renjun rolled his eyes. “No, I didn’t find someone else. I just realized that I don’t love you anymore. We should’ve never tried to date, Y/N. It was a doomed relationship from the start.” Renjun tiredly ran a hand through his hair.

“I— Things were so good,” you said, sniffling. “How could you think it was doomed?”

“Grow up, Y/N. Not everything’s a fucking fairytale. Sometimes you don’t get everything you want and thinking otherwise just going to see you get hurt even more.” He huffed. “I can’t do this. Goodbye, Y/N.”

With that, he turned around and walked out your door.

So now here you were, curled up on your bathroom floor. You’d been sobbing for hours, feeling like your still-beating heart had been cut out of your chest with red-hot razors. Your head pounded from lack of air and water, and too much pressure from crying. All you wanted was to sleep but you couldn’t stop thinking about Renjun. He was your best friend and the love of your life. You’d talked to him nearly every day of your life since the time you were eight.

And now, he was just gone.

Completely gone.

You didn’t know if you’d ever see him again.

You felt utterly empty and alone, like an unmoored ship drifting out to sea. The world had lost its center.

A bright smile, a light laugh, feeding each other mochi while watching movies, long walks in the park, cuddling in the morning, crying together at the loss of a friend, simply existing together day in and day out.

Jungwoo had all but disappeared from her life one day, not explaining why he left nor where he went. She’d been completely destroyed by the loss of her boyfriend. After trying what seemed like a hundred times every day to contact him, she finally gave up. He was never coming back, no matter how much she screamed for him in the middle of the night.

She’d tried to get in touch with his parents, his sister, his friends. No one would answer. It was as if all her time with him had been a dream and, now, she’d woken up to a hellscape. Y/N missed Jungwoo like it was a physical wound, and she was just beginning to heal; and, while she couldn’t forget him, at least she didn’t think about him every waking moment and in every dream these days. 

Now, Y/N was confronted with his voice at the other end of the phone. She felt like she’d been dumped in a bucket of ice water. She tried to speak but all that came out was a croak. She tried again.

“Jungwoo?”

“Y/N,” he said in a whisper, exhaling her name like a prayer. “I— I’m sorry.”

Something snapped in Y/N. What right did he have to apologize? “Why the hell did you call me, Kim Jungwoo? What the fuck happened?”

“Y/N, I can explain. I promise,” Jungwoo blurted.

“No, don’t,” Y/N interrupted. “I don’t even know what to think. First you’re here for me every moment and everything’s completely fine, and then you’re gone. Just gone.” Y/N couldn’t believe she felt such anger to the man she’d loved so deeply, but she couldn’t help it. She hurt from months and months of loss. Y/N felt tears at the backs of her eyes, and swallowed. “Jungwoo, why?”

There was silence on the other end of the line, and then the sound of a deep breath. 

“Please just listen, Y/N. Please?” Jungwoo began. “I had no choice. My parents . . . well, you know how they’re both from wealthy families? Like, really wealthy? They’d set up a marriage for me when I was four and never told me. Evidently that’s still a thing.

“I hadn’t exactly told them about you, either, though,” Jungwoo said ruefully, then hurried on. “So, the father of the woman I was supposed to marry died and she inherited everything—the family’s wealth, the company, everything. Um, while I was in class one day, my mom showed up to pack everything I own, and was waiting for me when I got back to my place. She kind of just bundled me into the car and, because she and Dad are insane, forced me to marry this woman the next day.”

Y/N didn’t know what to say, so just stayed silent. She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Didn’t this kind of thing only happen in the movies?

“So, now I’m married and have inherited more wealth than I know what to do with,” Jungwoo finished.

“Wow,” Y/N said flatly. “That’s . . . that’s quite a story. I hope it’s true.” She rested her head on one hand as she held the phone in the other.

“It is. I promise!” Jungwoo all but wailed; he was beginning to cry.

“Fine. So, why did you call me? You’re married and insanely wealthy—what could be wrong?” Y/N’s tone was scornful.

“I called you at 2 am because— because I need you,” Jungwoo choked out. “Just the touch of your hand would do wonders. I feel like I’m going mad, Y/N.”

“Oh, Jungwoo,” Y/N said, sadness clouding her voice. “There’s no way we can . . . No, I’m not even going to think about it.”

“Please, just consider seeing me one more time? And maybe we can come to some sort of arrangement where we can be together? Y/N, please!”

“Jungwoo, it’s too late. It’s been too long.” Y/N could only whisper, not daring to speak any louder lest she scream.

“No,” Jungwoo stammered, “no, please no. We can do this, Y/N, I know we can.”

“You’ve given me one option, which is to be second to all else, to be your mistress. How can I agree to that, Jungwoo. How?” Y/N barked out. “You’ll divorce whoever this other woman is and be fully committed to me, or have nothing more to do with me. You can’t have both. You’ve hurt me way too much.”

Jungwoo was silent for a moment, then said, “Well, I guess this is goodbye, then, isn’t it. Too much depends on me being just how I am now. Too many lives would be ruined if I divorced her.”

“So you choose to ruin one person’s life completely and utterly just so you can say you did the right thing?” Y/N laughed derisively. “You’re an asshole, Kim Jungwoo, you really are.”

“I’m sorry, Y/N, I really am,” Jungwoo said.