#strawbebblah

So like. Unless I go to the OBGYN and they tell me there are actually twenty-leven options I haven't considered, I'm probably going to have to have a hysterectomy if I want to have any quality of life at all. Like. My choices are "have children" or "have quality of life". And I can't raise kids to the standard I want if I have no quality of life myself. And logically, I know that it's the best choice. But emotionally it's so fucking hard, because I've always wanted kids, my whole life, and now I have to choose between that and having a life worth being alive for. And like. I love my friends, if I've talked to you about this I appreciate you so much, you know who you are, I love you. But pretty much all of the responses I've gotten are "damn, that sucks", because what else are you supposed to say? It sucks! I just wish I could talk to someone about it and have them like. Engage in the problem. Talking things through helps me process it and I just. I need a back-and-forth beyond "damn, that sucks". I need an outside perspective before I go to the doctor and commit to this.

My cousin told me last night that they outed me to their sister and I kind of brushed past it because there was a lot going on and what's done is done but also what the fuck. They're nonbinary, they should know better, I hadn't even told their sister that I'm queer at all, plus she's a blabbermouth and if she knows everyone will know, what the fuck.

I remember as a kid, I read a story about a girl who helped an old woman in the woods, and as thanks, the old woman cast a spell so that jewels would fall out of the girl's mouth whenever she spoke. The girl's cruel stepsisters, upon learning of this, seek out the old woman, who curses them so that bugs and snakes fall from their mouths when they speak instead of jewels. The moral of the story is to be kind to people, but to me, all three spells sounded like horrible punishments. Imagine trying to speak around jewels falling out of your mouth! Not to mention the social consequences of it - people only talking to you so that they could collect the jewels you make when you speak, exploiting you for something you didn't even ask for!

Guess who had to replace his phone against his will today 🙃

At game night with my mom's family last night, I had the single best opportunity to come out as trans and I didn't take it. There were three cis men in attendance, in addition to five cis women and me. There was some general ribbing going around about how the cis men were outnumbered. I had the flash of inspiration to say "well, I can even things out a bit", but I didn't. Because *gestures broadly at everything* and also I don't feel like finding out what my grandmother thinks of trans people. Her opinions vary widely from "sensible and respectful" to "why the FUCK would you say that oh my god" and I just don't really want to know which category I'd fall into if I came out to her. But man, it would have been so perfect.