#strangediary

I spent my teen years terrified of romantic attachments, yet I wanted one, because there was so much pressure to find someone + being over weight and tall and ‘manly’ and mocked for it, called undesirable to my face by people I considered friends even 

I just wanted so badly to feel lovable, but I limited myself entirely to boys, all of whom I met looked at me like I was a guy or just the ugliest thing they’d ever seen (at least, conveniently, until I lost weight and had new clothes and suddenly I was getting asked out by strangers at every turn)

and I at times suspected I liked girls, but the idea terrified me to my core (not helped by the fact people already spread rumors I was a lesbian and even girls seemed wary of me at times) so I shoved it down as far as it would go 

I had a friend if HS though, she came out to me as bi one day and my first thought was ‘gosh if she asked me out I would say yes in a heartbeat’ and I felt disgusting even though I didn’t think she was 

if I hadn’t been so scared of who I could be, I might asked her out (even if it would’ve had to have been a secret between us)

maybe I wouldn’t have placed so much self worth into how attractive men found me, or spent so many years pushing romance away because it was easier to be unavailable than to admit I wasn’t straight

oh! I remember that pic :