I kept revisiting my fear of kneeling, I should tell you that I am currently sitting my silkiest nightgown, my cup is full of wine and there are tons of candles lit up in my room as well as a long skinny cigarette. You'd think I was in the South of France but no, sadly I"m in the South of the Bronx. Lacrimosa by Mozart is loudly playing and I am sinking in to a state of nostalgia. 

My nostalgia is caused by my inability to reach agape, something so complicated but yet so essential in my life, that to me should be attainable. I have prayed about it, fast about it, searched and sleep on it. I get nothing, that sweet surrender that one hears about when you "reach that point in your life" that fundamental feeling of relenting has for some reason or another frequently revisited my thoughts. Over and over again, I am contemplating my walls, trying to decipher ever brick I placed. When I said I would trust God with all my heart I meant it, but I'd be lying if I said I was up in arms. 

When I was little, punishment for me was exercised to the extreme. I think my mother exhausted everything in the book and made up some on her own. My mother, the avid church goer took kneeling, an act of praise and pleading and turned it in to an act of punishment. Now, I do not want to go around blaming my mother for some of my scars,but if the shoe fits.These wounds, which were meant for my body have taken up permeant residence in my heart. You see, my way out is through prayers and trusting God. I have not been able to surrender because dropping down on my knees and lifting up my arms is a form of punishment to me. I was raised learning the opposite, as James Dela Vega would say,I have so much to unlearn here.

Nevertheless, this is not about my mother, it's about my SELAH moments. The moments where you start to understand yourself better, the AHA moments, a silent relief that you are not just a insanely cynical, derange, unloveable, brick wall. Those moments when you can clearly hear the wall slowly losing a brick, releasing the chains that have held you back, removing the scars that you thought were permanent. Slowly but surely if you take time to stop and reflect your Selah moments will start to strip all that you aren't and reveal what you always should have been.