#stone_writes

Freshmen year is like a time in space that doesn’t exist within our earthly realm, but everyone must pass through and emerge from the otherside, leaving behind the handheld pencil sharpeners and pen grips of middle school, but still unable to access the honor and lockers that aren’t filled to the brink with school supplies of Highschool. An empty space where they were doomed to float around, haunted by both the past they could never obtain again, and the future that was just barely out of their grips. Freshmen year was the void of nothingness from with only greatness could escape.

Or, at least, that's how Vladimir would describe it to Dimitri while they walked home from school together.

“You’ve put a lot of thought in that, is that what you do instead of study?” The Bulgarian retorted dryly. At his words the strawberry blonde frowned, feeling the tension hanging over them like a concrete block, waiting to fall down and smash one of their skulls in a firework display of blood and brain matter.

Okay, perhaps his imagination was a bit too wild today.

“What’s biting your ass?” Vladimir asked, adjusting the heavy book bag on his back. Dimitri had begged him to wear it over his shoulder, like everyone else, but the damn thing was large, and it hurt his shoulder to do so. The Romanian didn’t understand the pressing need to carry it like that anyways. Who was actually watching to see how a 15 year old carried his bag? And certainly it would do no good to his posture. But when he questioned the other boy about it, he grew defensive and pissy, so Vladimir had decided to drop it.

“Maybe you, because you’re surely a pain in mine.” Dimitri grumbled under his breath. Vladimir was really worried now. He knew perfectly well how cynical Dimitri could be, but normally when they were together like this, he would relax a bit. They had been best friends for years now, so while the ebony haired boy walked, his back hunched and staring at the ground, Vladimir could tell something happened that day at school. Now, it was his job to figure out what.

Vladimir picked up his pace to stand in front of Dimitri, stopping him in his tracks. The boy looked up, scowling.

“Stop shitting around, we have homework to do, and my Mom’s gonna worry.” He said, trying to shove Vladimir out of the way. It was more of a shrug than anything though, as he tried to trudge on, but Vladimir simply hurried back in front. At least he knew that Dimitri wasn’t mad at him, if he had been, he wouldn’t have been so kind with his pushing around.

“We both know perfectly well we’ll end up playing video games before we even open our bags, and your mom knows you’re with me. You’re always with me.” Vladimir added the last part with a caring smile, one of his canine’s poking through. Dimiti momentarily softened at the smile, and Vladimir was sure he had gotten through, but the tender look quickly vanished into a mean glare that the Romanian knew was not directed at him, but still received the full blow of it because of proximity.

“Yeah, well, maybe that’s a problem.” Dimitri sighed out, before pushing past Vladimir again. The boy’s eyes suddenly filled with hurt, and had he been a man of weaker resolve, he might have retorted back with a nasty remark, or worse, started crying like he felt like doing. But, Vladimir was convinced this was an issue bigger than his words, and knew it wouldn’t be resolved if he got angry and walked away. After all, best friends stick it out, through thick and thin. And Vladimir was Dimitri's bestest friend.

Vladimir once more, moved himself in front of Dimitri, stopping him for a third, and if Vladimir had anything to say about it, last time, before he talked about what was going on. The boy’s red eyes stared into the other’s green one’s with determination that unhinged Dimitri slightly, making him take a step back, before looking away from them.

“I want to know what’s going on. You’re not normally like this.” Vladimir said, softening just a bit, seeing that Dimitri was at least relenting somewhat. He crossed his arms, waiting for the other to answer. There was a long moment of silence between them. If anyone had been around, they may have stepped in to make sure they weren’t about to fight.  A few cars passed, and Vladimir noticed that Dimitri was studying each on as they did, as if looking for someone or something.

“Did something happen today?” Vladimir asked, trying to get the other to say anything. As freshmen boys, there was mandatory things that had to happen, they had to get crushes (and rejections) from older peers, they had to be bullied, to a small degree, by older peers, and they had to be shoved against a wall at least once, usually on accident. Of course, it could be any number of things, maybe it had nothing to do with school. Maybe something had happened at home, or his mom had found his stash of manga. Not that it was inappropriate or anything, it’s just Dimitri didn’t like to share his interests with people. Except Vladimir, of course. He knew everything about the other boy. Except what was bothering him in the moment.

Dimitri was still silent. The guy could be silent for a long time. He could not talk for hours if he was reading a book, or if he was around strangers his voice would get so quiet that he’d end up having to repeat himself three times before the other party would just give up, nod and smile. Vladimir took a step forward, trying to fill the space in between them that had actually gotten bigger since the start of the silence. Dimitri noticed immediately, and took another step back.

“I just…” Dimitri trailed off. Vladimir wished he could just reach into the other’s brain and see what he was trying to say, what he experienced or thought must be reeling through his mind like a movie, because the boy was spacing out, recalling whatever it was that was making him so angry and defensive. Vladimir was growing frustrated. He just wanted to get home and enjoy his friend properly, like they always did.  He didn’t need this pain in Dimitri to be hanging over him.

Dimitri could see he was not getting out of anything anytime soon. Curse his unfrailed nerves making him tense, causing him to lash out. But it wasn’t totally his fault, the Romanian was being nosey, and Dimitri had the mind to make that clear.

But, he didn’t want to. He wanted to tell the other what had happened today, how it left him confused, and a bit nervous. Freshman year was hard enough, he didn’t need anymore grief. And, if he told the other, he wouldn’t have to deal with it alone. He couldn’t tell his mother, so, maybe this was his best option?

He took a deep breath, before clutching the front of his shirt. “Let’s talk at your place, your parents are out, right?” He asked. Vladimir seemed unwilling to back down for a second, contemplating whether or not it was just a way to change the subject, but he finally backed down, nodding his head. He knew that Dimitri was probably looking for privacy.

“Yeah, they’re both at work. But you better tell me what’s going on, Aleksandrov, or I will actually punch you in the face.” The other threatened with absolutely no truth behind it. He would and had willing punched Dimitri in the face before, but he never would if it was something that was seriously bothering Dimitri. Unless like, it was over something stupid. If Dimitri was being a dick over something stupid, Vladimir reserved the right to punch him.

“Fine, whatever, let’s just hurry.” Vladimir’s house was closer, and empty, and the Bulgarian just wanted to be alone, well, as alone as one can be with Vladimir Popescu nearby. The guy had enough energy for three people at times. It was actually exhausting, and it was why Dimitri didn’t have any other friends, or, at least that’s the excuse Dimitri gave. The truth was he just was shy. He and Vladimir were only friends because their mother’s drank tea together on the weekend’s, it was a forced friendship, one that neither one regretted. Usually.

At Vladimir’s house, they threw their back bags off upon entering the doorway, confirming they would pick them up before Vladimir’s parents got home, knowing perfectly well they probably wouldn’t.

“Want to go to my room?” Vladimir asked, gesturing towards the stairs. Dimitri shrugged, before following the other up. The whole house smelled of cinnamon, making the boy’s noses tickle. Vladimir would have made a comment about it, wanting to joke that a cinnamon ghost was haunting the house, condemning them to a lifetime of sneezing, but when he looked back at Dimitri, he was still looking downtrodden, and he decided not to try.

They walked into Vladimir’s room, a familiar place for both of them. The place was decorated with different things, each item expressing a completely different mood from the last. He had posters ranging from heavy metal bands, to classic rock ones. Pictures torn from books and magazines were taped to the wall, most of them talking about some type of magic or spell, Vladimir was a heavy believer in the supernatural. His bed was supposed to have a blue comforter, but that was laying on the floor opposite to the visible side of the bed. His sheets were tossed around, and his pillow draped over the side like a fainted women. The floor was littered with trash, clothes, books, papers, and art supplies. Truly, the room belonged to the Romanian.

“Alright, sit on the bed, and tell me what the heck is wrong with you.” Vladimir insisted, taking a sit at his desk, sitting in the chair backwards so he could look at the other. Dimitri walked over to the bed, careful not to step on anything, which was hard considering how cluttered it was, before sitting on the bed. He knew this bed well. Sometimes, he would come over just to take a nap in it. His mother didn’t like naps, which they both thought was silly.

“You really are too nosy.” Dimitri said, before chewing at one of his nails. He was about to rip one off when a shirt hit him in the face. Dimitri, shocked, turned to glare at the Romanian, who wasn’t smiling, but amusement still filled his eyes.

“Don’t bite your nails, and don’t call me nosy. I’m really worried about you.” The last words made them both grow nervous. Concern was common between the two, they both could get themselves into deep trouble. Vladimir was snarky, and Dimitri was secretive. It worked well together, but on their own they could easily manage to get grounded for a week, or a detention.

This was different thought.  Vladimir was getting the feeling this wasn’t something Dimitri was in trouble with, he wasn’t going to be punished. It was something else, a new battle they maybe hadn’t faced before. But together, he knew they could do anything.

There was a long silence, Dimitri unsure what to do or say, and Vladimir was staring at him expectantly. Finally, the Bulgarian sighed, reaching into his pocket.

“Some idiot put this in my locker.” Dimitri said, unfolding the lined sheet. His fingers shook a bit, and he didn’t really feel like rereading it, but Vladimir was annoying and pushy and unavoidable.

Vladimir looked at the note curiously, standing up to grab it from the other, but Dimitri quickly pulled it against his chest, hiding it from the other.

“Hey, get away. All it says is that I need to...quit being so…” Dimitri trailed off, not wanting to continue. He looked down at his lap, before dropping his arms, though still keeping a close eye on Vladimir to make sure he didn’t make a lunge for it.

“So what?” Vladimir asked, moving to sit on the bed, knowing better than to try and rip the note away, but hoping to sneak a peek at it. He wasn’t sure what it was going to say, but he knew he already didn’t like it, and by Dimitri’s reaction, it wasn’t something as simple as ‘stupid’.

Dimitri scooted away from Vladimir. “So...Gay.” Dimitri sighed, before angrily balling up the paper and throwing it at the wall. Vladimir’s red eyes followed the paper as it hit and landed. He was a bit unsure about all this. Dimitri, for one, didn’t act gay. There was no way to act gay, unless he was kissing boys and stuff, which Vladimir would totally support if he did, but he wasn’t, so that didn’t make much sense. Overall, Vladimir just wasn’t sure what to say, so an awkward silence fell over the two boys that usually couldn’t be forced to stop talking to one another.

“He’s just an idiot anyways, he doesn’t know shit.” Dimitri finally spoke up, lowering his voice as he swore, just in case Vladimir’s parents came home. Vladimir nodded in agreement, before looking at his friend.

“I don’t really think it’s something you should worry about anyways. How do you act gay? You can’t act gay unless you do gay things.” Vladimir explained, waving a hand in dismissal.

“Right? I don’t do anything like that.” He said with a stern nod, before a smile finally broke on his face. “He was probably just trying to scare me, or embarrass me. Well, it didn’t work.” Dimitri lied, before pushing himself off Vladimir’s bed.

“I’m probably straighter than he is, I love girls.” He declared, before laughing. Vladimir laughed nervously as he watched the other stand. He didn’t know who left the note, or why, but he was willing to believe it was a one time incident.

“Yup! Only someone who is repressing gay thoughts would be so snide as to accuse someone of being gay!” Vladimir followed up, knowing his words to be true based off of things he read on the internet. He didn’t really know if that was true or not, but it made more sense than someone just being a malicious bastard.

“We’re so straight, we don’t need to do that stupid shit.” Dimitri remarked, before deciding to change the subject. He decided that he was freaking out over nothing. This was just the Freshman scene. Everyone was called gay, at least once during this time. He would just need to let it roll off his shoulders. Plus, Vladimir seemed to agree that he was very straight. They both were. And the straightest thing anyone could do in this type of situation is to simply let it go.

Dimitri stormed outside, each step filled with rage and fury as he walked down the stairs. Behind him, he could hear his boyfriend calling after him. Despite knowing he was being followed, he refused to turn around, continuing on his journey to fuck far away from that building.

Luca continued to run after, breathless as he caught up. “Dimitri!” He yelled, trying to get the other’s attention. He watched as the man aggressively began to pull a pack of cigarettes and light out of his pocket. The sun’s heat made it hard for Luca to catch his breath. So he was grateful when the man finally stopped walking away. He was at his car, furiously lighting a stick.

“God, did you not hear me yelling?” Luca accused, resting his hand on the black car in order to take a moment to return to a normal breathing pattern. Except, he didn’t get the chance, as he immediately had to pull away, the car having burned him. He winced and pulled his hand close. It was scorching out, which probably wasn’t helping Dimitri’s attitude problem.

“That bastard is a fucking moron, I can’t believe he would say that shit.” Dimitri complained before taking a drag from the cigarette. He was tapping his foot impatiently. He was so pissed at Sadik. He had half a mind to go and beat his ass right then and there in front of everyone. The man was old, he could take him. And while his anger was in no way directed at Luca, he was a bit irritated that he would follow him out for no reason. He had obviously left to be alone, why was he following him?

Luca nodded, even though he thought Dimitri was being a bit harsh. He must not have slept well, or perhaps it really ways the heat. Whatever it was, Dimitri was in a bad mood. Normally that would mean giving him space and letting him calm down on his own, but he didn’t want to have to answer for Dimitri’s behaviour, since he could practically feel all eyes landing on him when the other stormed out of the room, furiously swearing as he did. “Are you going to go back in? We didn’t finish the meeting.” He asked, starting to sweat. He didn’t recall it being so hot when they entered the building, but that had been an hour ago, so he couldn’t be too surprised.

Dimitri scoffed and rolled his eyes, lightly tapping away the ash that was building up.  “Fuck no, I’m not giving him the satisfaction.” He knew it was a bit childish to storm off like that. The adult, mature thing would have been to just ignore his comments, or walk away calmly. But Dimitri was on edge all day. He wasn’t sure why, but he had felt like something bad would happen today. This must have been the incident.

Luca wasn’t happy with his answer, but didn’t argue with it either. What could he do? Dimitri was a stubborn mule at times. He sighed and leaned against the car next to Dimitri, careful not to touch any of the metal. He didn’t really want to stay out with him, it was very hot and his mouth was already growing dry just at the thought, but he it didn’t feel right leaving his boyfriend behind. He didn’t really know if he should say anything, or simply ride this wave out. As a compromise, he snuck the hand closest to Dimitri into his free hand and held it lightly.  A wordless comfort for him. Despite Dimitri’s anger, he didn’t pull away.

They stood like that through two and a half cigarettes. Both of them were sweaty messes, and in normal circumstances they would have already went back into the air conditioned building in order to get away from the hell beating down on them.

The time it took for Dimitri to finally calm down was long and nearly unbearable. Luca didn’t even notice that his head began to feel light. He leaned against Dimitri for support. Dimitri took it as another sign of affection. He decided he didn’t want this silence to continue to hang over them, not when Luca was clearly trying so hard to make him feel better.

“Ugh. Let’s just leave.” He suggested. Luca barely looked up. He suddenly wasn’t feeling so good. He opened his mouth to speak, but Dimitri wasn’t looking at him.

“That fucker isn’t going to admit he’s wrong, and I won’t admit he’s right. No one will miss us anyways. Let’s get-”

He was suddenly cut off as Luca’s whole weight fell into him.

“Woah-!” Dimitri fumbled with trying to catch him and keep him up right, relying heavily on the car beside them to help catch the weight of the man. He was much taller, but he had been bending down a bit to lean on Dimitri, making things a bit easier. He immediately moved the body to the ground, before panic finally began to settle into him.

“Luca? Luca??” He yelled, looking over his body for any reason as to why he might have passed out like that. He then looked over his face, which was red and sweaty. Dimitri began to put two and two together, which resulted in heavy cursing.

You idiot! Why didn’t you tell me you were hot?!” That was a stupid question. Of course he was hot. It was a million degrees outside and the man was wearing dress clothes. For fucks sake, he should have been surprised they didn’t both pass out from the heat. Dimitri didn’t know what to do in the moment though. If he was overheated, what was he supposed to do?

The first answer was water, but he didn’t have any on him. He could get from some inside, but that would mean leaving him, and Dimitri wasn’t about to do that. He thought harder, and came to the conclusion that the next best thing was for him to strip the other man.

He knew Luca would beat his ass later for it, but in the moment he hardly cared. He swiftly unbuttoned his suit jacket, before moving on to unbuttoning his white shirt underneath it. He struggled to lift the other’s body up off the ground enough in order to pull the article off of him. He tossed them aside, before moving back up to Luca’s face to see how he was.

Dimitri wondered if he should try and shake him awake, or remove his pants, or something. How in all of his years alive had he never had to deal with a situation like this before? He looked back towards the building in hopes that someone would come out. He wish he was strong enough to carry his boyfriend. That’s what he really needed. He was about to curse his pride and ask Sadik for help, since he knew that man would be able to carry Luca, when he suddenly heard a soft groan from the man beneath him.

He opened his eyes, though barely, since the sun was shining right in them, catching a glimpse of Dimitri. Though he mostly saw shadows, the Luxembourger swore for a moment, he saw tears streaming down his boyfriend’s face…

“What happened?” He asked, starting to sit up. Dimitri immediately moved to help him.

“You fainted. You scared the shit out of me!” Dimitri yelled. Luca frowned, clearly not happy with being yelled at right after waking up from passing out.

“Relax. Let’s just get me inside, yeah?” He offered, trying to smile, even though he still wasn’t feeling good. Dimitri nodded, moving to let Luca stand up. He walked over to his discarded shirt and jacket, holding them tightly to himself. The blond stood on wobbly legs, trying to keep from falling over. Dimitri moved to help him, but was waved off with a smile.

“I’m fine, babe. You worry too much.” He said, his eyes sparkling. Dimitri stared back with confusion, before rolling his eyes.

“You literally fell in my arms! You are clearly not fine!” He argued as they walked back towards the building, both bickering back and forth until they made it inside. Once the cold air hit Luca’s chest as they walked in, he flushed brightly.

“You took my clothes off?!”

“I didn’t know what else to do!” Dimitri argued back, but the response he got was the white dress shirt being ripped away from him by a blushing Luca, who was quick to cover himself. “You’re not even going to thank me?” He asked, feeling a bit stubbed that Luca was being so casual about all this.

“You took my shirt off, that’s nothing to thank for.” Luca pouted, before sighing. He supposed he should have thanked him first. He had merely been flustered. But why was Dimitri demanding thanks? He should have done it out of love for his caring boyfriend!

Both of them were annoyed now, stubbornly refusing to look at each other, before the quiet began to get to them. They were both being silly. Dimitri’s annoyance simply lied in his fear that Luca could have been really hurt and he wouldn’t have saved him, and Luca’s annoyance lied in the fact that Dimitri’s stubborness is what got them here in the first place. Luca sighed, before turning to look at Dimitri’s back.

“I’m sorry.” He said, walking over and hugging his back, resting his chin in the man’s black hair. Dimitri didn’t move his feet, but placed his hands overtop his boyfriend’s.

“As you should be.” Dimitri said, before leaning back into the other. “But I’m sorry too.”

Luca smiled. Clearly that would be the best he would get. He placed a kiss into the other man’s hair, breathing in the smell of shampoo.

“If I remember correctly, you said we could leave, yes? We should go.” Luca said, smiling slightly. Dimitri finally turned around to face the other, but the embrace they shared was quickly put back in place.

“Yeah? Why?” He asked, despite wanting to get the hell out of there.

“Because, I think my hero deserves something a bit more than just a thank you.” Luca said, his eyes hinting to Dimitri what he was getting at. The man blushed lightly, looked around to make sure no one was around to hear what the other had said, before his lips curled into a seductive smile.

“Is that a promise?” He asked. Luca lifted Dimitri’s chin up with one hand.

Saeran hated being such a bad boy, but sometimes he couldn’t help it. Sometimes his brain took over, and he had no control.

Still, he hadn’t meant to peek at the toys that stood proud behind the glass of the toy store in town. It was small, but the toys were of well quality. Not that Saeran knew that. All he knew was that there had been a bear with a silly pink coat. He hadn’t even thought to want it, he merely couldn’t help but be drawn.

“No, Ma’am. Mommy said I don’t get toys.” Saeran said, justified in his words, though he knew Rika would argue. She always argued against Mommy’s words. Saeran hadn’t seen Mommy in a long time, but her rules haunted his mind, and he knew better than to disobey. He could be a good boy, even if sometimes he cried.

Rika loosened her grip on Saeran’s hand a bit. They had been walking hand in hand, at her request. He wouldn’t object though, he liked holding hands. Saeyoung used to hold his hand sometimes, it was a great comfort.

So to loosen her grip must have meant anger, and when Saeran looked up at Rika, he feared she was upset with his answers. Mommy had rules, but Rika had rules too, and one of Rika’s rules was not to talk about Mommy.

“I-I’m sorry!” Saeran started. He felt a panic attack coming on. He didn’t call them panic attacks, he thought they were asthma attacks. When he would have them at home, he would tell Saeyoung he couldn’t breath, and that his chest hurt. Saeyoung diagnosed him as asthmatic, and Saeran was more than happy to agree.

He was about to tell Rika about his asthma attack, but was stopped when, upon looking up at her, she was smiling gently, and before he knew it, kneeling down to his level.

“I know you’re sorry, you can’t stop what you say sometimes.” She stated, gently holding Saeran’s chin. His lips grew wobbly. He hated Rika’s disappointment more than anything. He would have rathered bit his tongue until it bled if it had kept her happy.

Rika ran her thin fingers through Saeran’s hair. That always calmed him down. His breathing began to grow even, and though he wasn’t feel as bad, he still begin to weep, the overall feeling of comfort to this level still so foreign and unfelt, it was sometimes hard to control himself.

“Shh, it’s okay.” She lifted Saeran up. He didn’t like being held, especially when crying. Sometimes V held him when he would have tantrums and fits to keep him from hurting himself. Saeran hated it. He would rather hit himself than to accidently hit V. The process was effective, even if Saeran didn’t know how to admit it. But right then, he didn’t mind too much. He pressed his face into the crook of Rika’s neck, trying to stop the tear flow, and hoping she wouldn’t take him straight home as punishment. He wanted to stay on their walk longer.

Rika bounced the boy lightly, repeating a montage of positivity that only made Saeran more emotional. Rika was understanding though. People stared at the two. Saeran was older than his behavior let on, but sometimes that was hardly noticeable because of how small he was anyways. He was always thin and weak, so more often than not he could get away with it. But it could be especially evident when with Rika, her own frame being thin and frail as well. Neither of the two seemed to care or notice. Though Rika looked weak, she was strong, which enabled her to be able to carefully carry Saeran back the way they came. Saeran’s legs wrapped around her body, and he began to grow quiet. He had noticed that she was taking him back the way they came, and he suspected punishment. And he knew, if you got quiet, even if it was hard, punishment was easier.

Only, Rika wasn’t taking him back home. She stopped suddenly, and the ring of a bell made Saeran jump slightly as she opened the door to a store. He didn’t move. His heart was practically in his throat with fear and anticipation. He didn’t want to look up, afraid that his hopes might be smashed by the results.

Rika still continued to carry him, even managing to pull out her phone from her purse. She tried to move Saeran onto her hip, but he was simply too big, and he was too resistant, so she settled on keeping him to her front. She pressed the phone to her ear, and Saeran grew near silent to try and listen in, though Rika already expected that.

“Hello V, I wanted to let you know that me and Saeran are going to be a bit late coming back.” She said, a smile playing on her lips. The store owner noticed their presence and peered at them, wondering what their intentions were.

“Is everything okay?” V asked, sounding concerned on the other end, clearly not getting the hints Rika was laying out.

“Mhm, Saeran has been such a good boy, I wanted to reward him with something.” She explained. Hearing Rika say that to someone else, made the young child fill with pride as he reveled in the fact that Rika thought he was good, and not just telling him he was so he would do what she wants.

V chuckled, and Saeran huffed. Did V not really believe he had been good? But then again, it had been V that had found Saeran in the midst of sitting on the floor instead of the bed. Saeran insisted he prefered it, but it was another one of Rika’s rules.

Rika gently patted Saeran’s back before continuing on.

“So we’ll be home late.” She finally finished. Saeran was satisfied, but also a bit unnerved. He wasn’t sure what he was to expect. He had never gotten a reward before, and surely never something so luxurious as a stuffed animal. Saeran wasn’t very good at playing pretend, but stuffed animals didn’t have to be alive to be fun. They were still huggable and you could dress them up if you wanted, and they couldn’t complain about accidently pulling their hair or wearing clothes too tight. Saeran had never had a stuffed animal before, but he wanted one.

Not that he was willing to say so out loud.

“I love you too, V, I’ll see you when I get home.” Rika hung up the call, and readjusted Saeran so she could see his face. He was still a bit resistant, but eventually compromised by still laying his head on her shoulder, but not burying himself from complete sight.

“So, what do you want?” She asked. The boy remained quiet. Despite promises of things being okay, he could not be convinced so. He knew in his head that he could say he wanted the beautiful brown bear with the pink jacket. She wouldn’t turn him down, and still he hesitated. He seemed to know that deep down, he hadn’t really earned the reward, he was a bad kid sometimes.

“Saeran, you can have anything here, just point and I’ll follow.” Rika explained, her soft face smiling at the young child. He wanted to shake his head, say he wanted to leave. It was really something amazing that his wants were suddenly outweighing years of conditioning. That one toy was making Saeran question what he knew. He knew he was bad, and didn’t deserve it. But God, he wanted it.

“Teddy.” He whispered, barely above a whisper, Rika had to ask him to repeat what he had said.

“Teddy.” He said again, a bit louder, though still with little conviction. “In the window, I saw the Teddy.” That toy was what he saw first, and he couldn’t remove his mind since. He didn’t even want to think about other toys, because they were not that Teddy. He knew there were bigger and better toys, but he would never deserve them. But that Teddy he could have, couldn’t he?

“The bear?” Rika said to herself just to clarify that was what Saeran wanted. When she asked about the toy to the shop owner, the elder Korean man smiled as if he had expected such events to occur.

“That’s a special bear.” The man said. If he thought Saeran was too old to want stuffed animals, he didn’t let that on in the least as he told the boy the bear’s background story.

“That bear has a mission. Of course, they have never been able to complete it, since no one has bought them…”

Saeran was usually not entertained by people who weren’t Rika or V, especially not doctor’s. Strangers would try and talk to him, and he would react violently, demanding to be let go even when he is not being touched, yelling at them when they try and dig deeper than a surface level conversation. Rika and V were even homeschooling him because they knew he would not be able to handle such a setting. But as the storekeeper rambled about the Teddy Bear’s life, Saeran was silent. He hugged Rika tightly, but his eyes were fixated on the older man. Rika had never seen such concentration on the boy. She hadn’t realized how much this treat could mean to him.

“When you take this Teddy home, you have to keep them safe. Their purpose is important, you can’t let them get hurt.” He said, offering the toy to Saeran. The boy’s eyes was the only hint to his excitement, refusing to accept the toy from the man. Rika took it instead, and held it out to Saeran, who then happily took it.

The man chuckled slightly, straightening up. “Well, let’s get everything checked out then, it seems the boy’s joined the bear’s mission.”

Saeran didn’t hear Rika’s light laugh, or the exchange that took place between the two as she paid for the bear. He was too busy in his own thoughts, sifting through names for the Teddy, and where he was going to put them, and whether or not he would chose to play with it or not. He knew it wasn’t real, and he knew he was bad at pretend. But he could try, it wouldn’t hurt anyone.

“All ready, Saeran?” His name brought him from his thoughts, and the redhead looked at Rika, who was smiling at him with a newfound shine in her eyes that he hadn’t anticipated. He should be the one smiling madly. He was content to keep his face buried in the bear’s fur though, unable to let on about his joy. He gave a slight nod as his answers. Rika finally set the boy back down, her arms thankful for the release, before resting a hand on Saeran’s shoulder and leading him towards the door.

Saeran walked out, being mindful of how he held his toy. Certainly not under his arm, where he risked dropping them onto the ground. He could hug it to his chest, but hugging was not something he was good at, and he didn’t want the bear to know that, just yet. The decision was bringing great anxiety to him, and suddenly he stopped.

“You have to hold them.” Saeran said, looking up at Rika, offering her the bear. Rika, confused, tilted her head to express such.

“What do you mean? The bear is yours, I don’t want to hold them.” She explained. Saeran gently pet the bear’s head in thought, unsure where to go. If he held the bear, surely it would get ruined. Rika was the only one he could trust with such a precious thing.

But he didn’t know how to say that, so he earnestly continued to offer the bear to her.

“Saeran…” Rika was still at a loss for words. His inability to hold onto the toy surely spoke to his trust issues and fear, and she desperately wanted to assure him that it was okay. He should hold tight to the bear, and never let it go. Afterall, it would never hurt him.

Saeran looked back down at they toy, his eyes welling up with tears. “I’ll hurt them. I don’t want to.” He said. “You won’t, you take good care of me, so you would take could care of them.” He explained, suddenly overwhelmed with emotion once more. It took a great deal of self control not to throw the toy in his frustration, but he didn't want to hurt it. The bear had a mission, after all.

Rika bent back down, pushing red locks out of the child’s eyes, showing off golden orbs that were wet and broken. This bear’s purpose, of course, was to look after Saeran, to love him more than the boy could comprehend at the moment. Rika gently took the toy from his hands, but before he had a chance to look relieved, she gently combed the bear’s fur with her fingers.

“This bear isn’t with us to learn my story, they want to know about you.” She said. “But, perhaps for now, we can share them. And when you’re feeling sad or scared, they will chase away those bad thoughts, and when I’m feeling sad or scared, they can chase away my bad thoughts.” She said. Saeran looked back down at the toy’s light brown fur, thinking for a moment, before nodding.

“Can we share them with  V too?” He asked. Rika smiled.

“Of course, I’m sure V could use the extra love.” She said, before standing back up. In one hand, she held one of the bear’s paws. “Everyone needs to be loved. And I bet this bear has it in them.” She winked at Saeran, who cracked a small smile. He wiped away his tears, before holding onto the other paw. He didn’t want to admit that he didn’t want to share the bear’s love with everyone else, he only wanted it to be them, and Saeyoung, wherever he was. He thought, perhaps they needed all the love in the world.

The drive back to Jan’s place was one of confused excitement for the Dane. Much like he felt earlier at the prospect of spotting a smile on the other’s face, he was bother allured by the idea of finding out of he had made the other smile, while also a bit anxious about where this had gotten. Not that he was turning this away. Oh no. No. Definitely NOT that. He was more down than the south, but it was a bit of a spur of the moment kind of deal. Not Jan’s style. But maybe having been caught off guard was giving him this adrenalin. Mathias really didn’t know. But he wasn’t going to complain. Certainly not.

Despite Jan having stated they were heading back to his place, that was a bit unreasonable. The meeting had been held in Italy, and it wasn’t like Jan was going to drive the fifteen hours it would take to get to his home, and even if that WAS the plan, Mathias would have to decline on account that he was just leaving his car at this building. He would probably end up with a ticket, if his car wasn’t towed. This really wasn’t the brightest of ideas for him, but Jan was just so alluring, how could one resist his syrupy draw? Impossible.

So he knew they would be going to a motel, or an inn (Mathias didn’t know the difference). The statement had probably been for dramatic affect. Another quality that Jan tended not to have.

They drove for about twenty minutes until Jan pulled into the first overnight place he spotted. Hopefully they would had a place open, and for cheap. Because while he was sort of in anticipation for what was to come, he wasn’t willing to spend so much out of pocket for it. He could he sleep with Mathias at any time. He didn’t have to break the bank for it.

Checking in was swift. They split the bill, and was given their room key. Jan had a change of clothes in his car, most nations tended to keep overnight clothes with them for emergencies. Mathias didn’t have anything with him at the moment, but he could just wear his old clothes to his car, and change at the airport when he would leave the next day.

Once in, Mathias walked over to the bed. He wasn’t going to feign ignorance and pretend he didn’t know why they were there. He didn’t know how fast the other wanted to take it, or if he was going to get his answer and then move on to their next activity, but when he turned around to face the other, he saw that he was already in the process of taking off his shirt.

“Oh wow, we aren’t, like, going to settle in at all, huh?” He asked with a playful tone that hid away his shock and, albeit, skepticism. Jan was getting into this way too quickly.

There was a catch.

Jan sat on the bed. He absentmindedly tossed his shirt to the side. Mathias watched on with a more concerned than excited gaze at this point.

Then returned that smirk.

“Make me smile.”

Never before had this task ever been a requirement. While it wasn’t uncommon for Jan to smile, or smirk, or just wear a pleasant look about him while flirting around with Mathias, he never really had to force it out of him. And god knows the Dutch man could be stubborn. But, as stubborn as he was, Mathias was equally persistent, as well as determined to make the other grin from ear to fucking ear.

“Fuck yeah I’ll make you smile.” Mathias said. He was quick in his actions, moving across the bed, climbing over the other’s body, making motions to straddle his lap and tear into the other’s flesh with his lips. But a rough hand was touched against the Dan’s dry lips, not even haven taking the time to properly prepare for kissing.

“Not like that.”

“Well how the hell am I supposed to do it?” Mathias asked, sitting up on his knees and placing his hands on his hips, looking at Jan expectantly. But the other shrugged, continuing to wear a nonchalant air about him.

“Figure it out.”

The next ten minutes for the Dane was excruciating. He went through every joke he could remember, roasted enough countries to start a world war, even made idiotic faces that, at times, he had to stop and laugh at himself because he was so damn good, but Jan remained stoic. Their eyes hardly ever looked away from each other, even as Mathias grew more and more frustrated at each failure. It felt like torture, and agony was all he was rewarded with. He was growing impatient, even a bit annoyed with the other, as he began to lose hope.

“You’re a bastard.” Mathias said, giving in. He laid his forehead against the other’s bare shoulder, signaling defeat. He had nothing more to give, and what was worst, Jan’s frown was rubbing off on him. He didn’t even feel happy. A success would feel bitter sweet at this point. And while he knew that Jan was simply making this task impossible for the enjoyment of himself, it was wearing the normally cheerful man out, and he was exhausted beyond belief.

Which of course, defeat was only endearing to a man of such cold intentions. Though, Jan had to admit, he really hated how dejected the other looked. As if he had truly offended or hurt him. Jan started to feel a bit bad. In all honesty this was meant to be foreplay. He would get Mathias pissed and hard, and then they could get onto some aggressive love making, but this was all a bit too sad, and he was beginning to wonder if all of this had been worth it.

So, he gave into his sensitive side, just this once, to try and cheer the other man up. Partly because he felt guilty for causing this, and partly because he honestly hated the sight of Mathias so down.

“Stop being down.” It wasn’t a command. It wasn’t a call for action, he was requesting it. He wanted Mathias to go back to himself, and the Dutch man knew what he had to do in order to get it to that.

He lightly threaded one of his tough hands through the back of Mathias’s hair. He could feel the resistance of of hair gel, and combing his fingers through it brought out it’s scent. It was a familiar scent on the man, second only to his cologne. Mathias moved his head off of Jan’s shoulder to look at him, his eyes sad and his mouth a bit pouty, almost in a comical sense, if only Jan wasn’t sure that it came from a genuine hopelessness.

Swallowing his pride, the stoic, hardcore man, cracked a smile. It wasn’t forced, he had a good reason to smile, he had to make his Dane happy again. His pinks lips curved at the corners, his cheeks rising up a bit. He was red in the face, somewhat from the proximity of the other’s body heat, but mostly from his own embarrassment. The smile stayed on his face though, even as the hand in Mathias’s hair traced down to the man’s cheeks. Jan almost looked pleasant. If he looked like this all the time, perhaps people wouldn’t be so apprehensive to approach him.

Joseph’s back rested up against the one of the oak trees that overlook the cul de sac. The whole place was like a bowl, with their little houses underneath, and some hills that roamed just a bit away. From his place he could see his own home, where his wife was probably drinking, and his kids playing around, doing God knows what at this point. His kids were still fans of dolls, right? He wasn’t sure if cutting doll’s heads of qualified, but it didn’t stop him from buying them.

He sighed, not wanting to think about his house anymore. His eyes wandered, as they so often did, and looked around for something more interesting to entice his imagination for a moment. They jumped from house to house, every time assuming each one was at home, being more productive than he was. Or, at least enjoying themselves more.

His eyes lingered a moment longer on one house in particular, but before he had a chance to notice, and to realize where his thoughts were headed, a rugged voice interrupted.

“It’s kind of weird that you sit up here and stare at everyone.”

Joseph was both surprised and concerned as to why Robert was suddenly invading his thinking time. Not that it was a true invasion, anyone could come up here, he supposed. But in his head it was reserved, and it was enough to make him a bit more than annoyed.

“I come up here to think. What are you doing?” The blonde asked, a bit more accusing then he meant to be. Though if Robert noticed, he didn’t say anything, instead deciding to make himself comfortable next to Joseph, uninvited.

“Came here to think.” Robert mocked, making Joseph roll his eyes. Despite normally being cheerful, the good natured man had came up here to be gloomy, away from the others. It was the only chance he got to be unhappy, so it was frustrating that Robert would have to come and ruin it. Though Joseph knew perfectly well he could be ‘real’ with Robert if he needed to.

“Well, just be quiet about it, please.” Joseph implored, before going back to his watching. Only now, it did seem a bit creepy, since he was thinking about it. If others saw him, they might be concerned. And if they saw him with Robert, they would be down right worried.

“I think I’m done thinking.” Joseph said, beginning to stand up, but was stopped halfway through with a light jerk on his hand. When he looked at Robert, he noticed that the man wasn’t being too aggressive with him, like he could have been, as he was known to be sometimes. It was more of a asking gesture, rather than a demand.

“You don’t need to leave just because I’m up here. We can be lonely at the same damn tree.” Robert explained. He stared directly at Joseph, which was amiditingly a bit off putting. He didn’t come here to be lonely, at least he didn’t think that’s what he was doing. He just wanted to get away sometimes. To be alone.

Maybe that was lonely.

“I thought you said it was weird?” Joseph implored, the hint of a teasing tone playing with his words, but he didn’t have much heart in being out and out playful. Again, he was up here to get away from all that for a moment. He was supposed to be bright and joyful all the time. But it wasn’t always manageable, especially when so many things seem wrong with your life.

“If I’m here, we’re two dads hanging out. If you’re by yourself, you’re a psycho planning a murder.” The brunette clearly explained, making Joseph chuckle slightly, something he hadn’t expected to do. He relaxed against the tree once more.

It was a nice silence that fell over them. One filled with birds above them making noise, and children’s gleeful cheers from below. They were the in between of ruckus, and it felt nice to be there.

Their hands danced around each other, both of knowing what they wanted, and both of them knowing they couldn’t have it. Together, they were two dads hanging out. And that’s all they ever would be.

When I look up at the sky, I think about the past. Not the good parts, not the bad parts, just the moments I was able to look at it. It was blue, I didn’t know it could be anything else for so long. I imagined freedom being the color of the sky.

“Saeran?”

I don’t want to look away from the clouds. I have been laying in the grass for a long time. Sometimes, after physical therapy, I refuse to move. My legs hurt more now than they ever did before. It’s easier to be tied in one spot.

No, wait-

“Saeran, you’ve been outside for hours.”

I don’t want to leave my mind, but suddenly sunshine fills my eyes. No, not sunshine…

“Rika!” I cheer, I always get excited seeing her. She sits down next to me and I sit up to meet her. I know she says I shouldn’t think of her as a hero, but I can’t help it. V and her saved me, they were saviors.

“The sky is very nice today, isn’t it?” She says, and my smile brightens. I don’t smile often. Even when they want me to, I can’t always do it. I have bad thoughts in my head, but I can make them go away when I think about the sky, or or the sun. I like the sun. Saeyoung once said it was made of fire, but I like to think it’s made of flowers instead.

“Isn’t it always nice?” I ask, though I already know the answer. I have seen rain, and I’ve seen fog. But sometimes I pretend they don’t exist. I like playing pretend sometimes. I was really good at it back then.

She chuckles slightly, and I feel accomplished. I want her to tell me the truth, despite already knowing it, and already hating it. But I want it anyways. When Rika tells me things, they have to be true.

“Sometimes it rains and blocks out the sun.” She’s quiet when she says it, and I wonder if I’ve made her sad, don’t be sad! I don’t want to see you sad. I’ll take your sadness away.

“But, then we get rainbows!” Saeyoung once told me what a rainbow looked like, but V is the one who showed me pictures of them, and explained that they are a mix of the rain and the sun. I don’t like rain, but the sun is warm and comforting.

“Ah, I forgot about rainbows.” Rika smiles again. Good. I like it when she smiles.

“The run and the sun, they make something good together, don’t they?” I look back at the sky. Rika used to say the sky was blue because God knew it was the most beautiful color. I don’t agree with that. Rika tells me I should believe in God, that God loves everyone, but how could there be anyone that loves me? And besides, I don’t think blue is the most beautiful. I prefer yellow.

“Saeran, do you like it here?” She asks me this a lot. I don’t like this question.

“I like you.” I say. She always likes that answer, it makes her smile. And I am not disappointed when I see her lips curl up.

“Do you like V?” Why so many questions today? I don’t like talking much, it hurts my throat. I used to make hand signs or knocks on the floor, but I soon realized that only Saeyoung knew what those meant. I start to miss him…

“I like him too, but I wish my brother was here.” I say this a lot, but no one ever tells me where he is. They say they saved him before they saved me, but where was he now? Why couldn’t he be with me?

“Hm…” Rika thinks a moment, a silence falling between us. I know better than to ask where Saeyoung. They say I’m too young, but that he’s thinks of me often. I don’t know why I’m too young to know. I sometimes feel like they think I’m too weak. Just like Mommy…

But then I think better. Because they are better than her. Rika wouldn’t hurt me, she wouldn’t tie me up, or lock me away. She’s warm and kind. She hugs me when I have nightmares or bad thoughts. Even V has rocked me to sleep a few times. It’s embarrassing to think about. I’m getting older. I’m, how old again? I’m nine, right? I forget sometimes. Saeyoung knew how old we were. Without him, I forget things about myself.

I’ve lost in my thoughts for a while, but Rika hasn’t said anything either. Maybe she wants to tell me something?!

“Saeran, imagine Saeyoung like fog.” She suggested. I tilt my head. I try to picture him as a body made of fog, but the image is scary, and I stop, looking back up to the sky.

“It comes with rain, and goes with the sun. If Saeyoung was here, I couldn’t spend all my time with you. If he was here, V couldn’t tuck you in at night, he would have to tuck him in.” She sounds so sincere, but I don’t like her words at all.

“I-I wouldn’t care! I would share you guys with him!” I would share anything with Saeyoung, if only he were here. I miss him so much. I hate that he’s gone.

Rika sighs. I’m not happy with her, but I keep that to myself. I don’t want to lose her love, but I wouldn’t mind sharing it if it meant Saeyoung could come back.

“Saeyoung is somewhere where he can heal, and you are with me, so you can heal.” I want us to heal together.

“Saeran, I know it’s hard for you to understand, but in the future you will see that I’m doing this for you. I want to help you find your own rainbows, and I can’t let fog get in the way.” I don’t quite understand what she’s saying. Sometimes adults compare things to other things to confuse me. I don’t like being confused. But I don’t argue, I know better. Rika would never get mad at me, but I’m still afraid to lose what we have.

I start to rock back and forth a bit. My head hurts. Tears sting my eyes. I’m not angry or upset, but sometimes my emotions don’t work properly. This time it works in my favor anyways. Rika stops talking about nature, and lifts me in her arms. She’s stronger than she looks.

“Don’t cry, it’s okay.” I believe her.

“This world doesn’t understand people like us. But that’s okay, we have each other. We’re a family.” I don’t know what she means by people like us, are we different from others? Is that why Saeyoung can’t be with us? I rest my head on her shoulder. She picks me up because she knows I’ll hurt myself otherwise. Maybe that’s what she means. People who hurt themselves. I’ve seen her do it too. She acts like me, sometimes, even if you couldn’t tell from the way she’s always smiling. I look as dark as I feel, but she feels that way too.

“Rain and Sun makes rainbows Saeran. We’ll make a rainbow together, you and me.” I want to ask if V is part of the family too. He doesn’t hurt himself like me and Rika do. I want V to be with us, but I don’t want him sad either, so I stay quiet. I don’t want him hurt.

She pets my hair, and I can feel and hear her humming something lightly. It calms me. I wonder if this is what paradise is.

“One day, we’ll make everyone feel like this.” She promises. I bury myself a bit deeper into her hold. I don’t want to share this with everyone, but if everyone means Saeyoung as well, maybe I could relent a little bit, one day.

“But, for right now, let’s just enjoy it together.” She seems to read my mind. I’m still crying, even though I feel very happy. I can’t help it sometimes. I hope she knows I’m happy. I hope Saeyoung knows I’m happy. I hope he knows that one day, we could make everyone this happy.