#stepfour

IV. CLIMB THE MOUNTAIN

Currently I am working on step four of my OA program. It’s the part where you list your character defects and think about disagreements you’ve had in the past (or present), resentments, hurts, etc. The goal is to identify your defects first and how they may have impacted your relationships.

You also make a list of “issues” with others, what the issue was, how it made you feel, what your role was/is, and if you can identify a character defect at play.

I’m not going to lie...it’s a tough step. Ironically, the hard part isn’t the character defect stuff; it’s the listing hurts, resentments, etc. Some I want to ignore, others I want to forget about entirely, others I want to hold onto.

But, even more, I want to get to a place where these are non-issues and I just want to own it and move past it. But, almost, without really identifying it. Which, of course, tells me that I HAVE to identify it and deal with it...not my strong suit.

Then there’s another part. The “owning it” part. This was the bit I needed to discuss in depth with my sponsor.

The issue for me was what, exactly, am I owning? The fight? The issue? The hurt? All of it?

She explained that you own whatever role you played, your intentions, and the hurt/pain you caused. Then she said something key that I had been struggling with...

You don’t own the other person’s reactions. In other words, be honest with your role and search for a character defect(s) that may have been at play. But you aren’t responsible for the other person beyond your apology.

If you are honest with yourself about the role you played and the hurt you caused, say it. Own it. But if they are asking you to take on responsibility you don’t believe in your heart you need to take on, then don’t.

That’s hard for me. I have spent a good portion of my life (okay, the majority of my life up to about a year or two ago) working really hard to make sure everyone liked me. That there weren’t waves. That there wasn’t discord. That I was always seen in the best possible light.

It’s only been through program and therapy that I realize how destructive this is. First of all, it sets you up to be bullied or manipulated by other people’s feelings, thoughts, behavior, etc. You can run the risk of allowing others to hold you responsible for things you don’t have to own...and shouldn’t.

Second, it can arrest your voice. It can cause you to not speak up or to take being put down.

Third, you can spend an inordinate amount of time and energy on this type of endeavor...and often for naught.

Lastly, it can cause you to use character defects that serve to protect you but actually end up hurting you. In my case, these come out as gossip, judgement, and self-righteousness.

And for what? Because the reality is not everyone is going to like you. It may be you, it may be them, it may simply be the chemistry between you. And trying to work to against this is an exercise in futility.

Additionally, and this is a big one, if you feel you must discuss a person or issue with anyone who will listen, then maybe (just maybe) you need to own a bit more of the situation than you may care to admit. This piece has been huge for me. When I feel like I need to rant over something to death, it is a sign for me that i need to take a hard look at it and identify my role. 

But here’s the good news I’ve come to learn. If you are true to you; if you work to own your mistakes and not hide from them; if you own your part; if you do your best to BE your best in your interactions with others; and if you can lie your head down at night and sleep comfortably, then you are doing the very best you can possibly do.