we need to ban parents from using the word "attitude" so they can maybe start grappling with the fact that their children maybe are having a reasonably angry response

🍲 @matzobs follow

This sounds wild when you write it down like I'm about to, but I'm right:

Sometimes the kid's feelings simply aren't relevant to the situation, and it's better parenting to explain that to them.

I get it, you don't want to go to skool. I don't particularly want to send you to skool. But the law says you have to go, and the alternatives aren't realistic, and we live in the world. The bright side is, your friends will be there. I'd recommend finding some joy in that. Please go brush your teeth now.

I hear you thought you were hanging out with your friend this weekend but it's rosh hashana. Sometimes being jewish means doing things we dont think we'll like. We made an agreement. They'll be blowing the shofar. Put your white shirt on.

🦌 @vaspider √✔️☑️✅🦀 follow

"Your feelings are real but not always relevant" is a thing that a lot of people could use to learn earlier.

👬 @jraker4 follow

I can see why many folks would shy away from this lesson, because it is *super easy* (and not uncommon!) to weaponize ‘sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to’. But…sometimes ya do, and the person making you do it isn’t always bad for making you do it.

⚫️ @xxlovelynovaxx follow

The thing is, it's better to convince someone to do something than force them to - and explaining why it's important to do the thing and y'know, treating a child like the actual human being they are by validating their feelings but having a conversation about why it's necessary anyway - will often do that.

In the rare events where explaining doesn't help or even makes it worse, it is often then time to consider if there's a deeper issue at play. I can guarantee 9/10 times it's not entitlement. Is the kid undiagnosed as neurodivergent and having a meltdown because they know an event will be sensory hell? Do they legitimately not understand WHAT they have to do and are focusing on WHY they have to do it as a coping mechanism?

There's a wide gap to how people in general react to "things I don't really want to do but fully can" vs "things I genuinely can't do or would hurt me to do to the point that even if they're technically possible for me to do, I functionally can't do them". Kids are no different - and quite honestly in my experience, no less able to articulate this than most adults, who also struggle to recognize the difference.

If it's discovered that it really is a bigger issue than "not wanting to", then it's a lot of work to make bigger adjustments. Sometimes it means temporarily dealing with the penalties of missing a necessary event - getting a doctor's note from a child psychologist to pull them out of school for more than 1-3 sick days while further uncovering the underlying cause of the inability to deal with school, for example. Is it undiagnosed neurodivergence? Untreated mental illness? Bullying? Some form of trauma unrelated to school that is still most impacting school? An ability to get a need met being severely impacted by the time and energy spent on school? Etc.

“It’s ten at night why do you have sunglasses on?”

“Bitch why not?”

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my five year plan? read a lot of books. visit museums. walk through woods. stand in a river. adopt a little kitty. drink lemonade while sitting in a rocking chair on my porch.