#staringoutside

Aren't the things they said I should want. " Why everything that's supposed to bad make me feel so good Everything they told me not to is exactly what I would "  (~Kanye - Addiction)  I am uncomfortable with who I am, but I am working hard and improving my life.  All I really want and ever wanted was to be fit and have sex a lot with different women.  Hot women.  I just want to be wanted to be honest.  I wanna feel sexy.  I want girls to look at me.   I never feel that.  I feel like I can't ever tell this to a girl because besides them calling me a pig, I just don't want to make myself into a lowlife like that's all I care about.  Besides, usually the ones who say that I love a lot of things about life, but my sex life is lame.  It sucks.  I want much more for myself, and I feel like I need to make up for lost time.  Fuck it, "YOLO!" I'm jumping on the damn yolo train, lol. But yeah I want to get a lean, sweaty six pack and I want to have sex with fine, beautiful women who appreciate me.  And that's some honesty fo' that ass. And that's the biggest secret in my life.  I could tell my girlfriend and the weight would be lifted, but she would leave forever.   I'm sure later in life it won't be so important, but these hormones...I'm hardwired to think about sex every time I see some tight pants or jiggling curves.  A woman will never understand that because they are wired to keep man to have babies and keep him to help raise and feed them.  Evolutionarily speaking.  We are hunters; and I know on a different path, I would have been an expert hunter.  

     {Part 1 .....} OK. Sweet, bright flower who shall remain nameless.  This almost turned into a love letter for you, whom I still admire and lust for.  You truly burn a fire so very deep in my heart.  But let me not fall into that amatory abyss.  It's a hole in my heart that mysteriously lies flooded, yet empty .  That's what it is to have this kind of love.  ok. Girl I wish there was something that I could do to help you out.  You are so nice to be, or you have been.  It seems to me like ever since I left the country to be in the east this Winter, when I came back the next month I felt that the love was gone.  You have completely removed all of your feelings for me.  I have seen your facebook, I know that you finally have gotten your chance to go out and get out, and I am proud of you.  I am jealous that I am not a guy you got to (finally) dance with, but I am so glad for you when I see that you are finally seeing your friends and getting a however brief moment to breathe in the essence of life and enjoy and love yourself!  I am so proud and happy for you.  

Is THIS a love letter or not?!

 I want you to know that: You are a wonderful person.  I am sorry that I have been gone, but I have been gone because I like you but I know that I will never have you.  It hurts to see you happy and know that I will never contribute to that or,  most of all to me, be a part of it.  In any event   Anyway    I am your friend.  I am here if you need a friend, if you need a hug, if you want to talk.  I promise that I will Google Translate my ass off and vow to do my best to communicate with you so that you feel the most comfortable.  I am sorry that I have not practiced your language, because I have felt like I no longer had a strong enough reason to without you lately. ********* You are a wonderful person.  I have not been talking to you, because it hurts to see your sweet smile and know that I can never have you.  But, I am your friend.  If you need me, I am here.   *** I have been told that you are having trouble with your family. I want to tell you that you are a wonderful person.  God loves and takes care of the good people like yourself.  Say your prayers and continue to be good and God will help you and take care of you and your son.  Do not let the boyfriend hurt you.  It does not matter what he does.  You are a good, loving, caring, smart mother.  You will be fine without him.  Just like my sister. *********

Dear Sweet Friend, My friend at work told me that you are having deep trouble at home with your family.  I am sorry that I have been so far from you for a long time.  But the more I see pictures of you, whenever I see or hear your name, it takes drains takes my energy away from me, because I like you, and was once in love and obsessed by you, but I can not have you. 

My girlfriend, and our complicated relationship. 

The language barrier that stands between us.  

The fact that my girlfriend is now living with me.  

Your boyfriend.  

Your Son. 

A relationship?  The single life? Who knows.

I am a true passionate romantic guy; and I have a strong, fiery sexuality.

Alas, The grass is always greener on the other side.  Trust me. It's like no matter how serious we get, I am still turned on by other women everywhere I go.  

Is it because my woman doesn't take care of herself and I am attracted to girls who are more in shape and who dress sexy?  

Is it because I am insecure with the low amount of sexual partners I have had and my lack of variety in my experience?  Maybe I don't trust that my experience is real because there is such a lack of variety in my partners, so it doesn't really count?

I truly do want to have sex with so many beautiful women that I see every day.  It is not even possible, but I just want to get at least one or a couple before I can't anymore!  And I don't want it to be something that will ruin my relationship if this is that one that I am meant to be in for the long run.  I really love this girl, but lately she turns me off so much, I don't know which outweighs which these days - the turn-ons or the turn-off's.  

My loser friends encourage my "one-itis" because they say I'm lucky.  It's only because they're too scared to talk to a girl.  Dude, how old are you guys?  Exactly.  That's whyy I don't talk to you guys anymore.  You are never going to have a wife and a family because you are too busy acting like a bitch to the point where you will soon be the 40 year old virgins and no sooner will your genes be weeded out of existence (~Mystery.) 

There's so much more that factors into my feelings and stress.   I just don't know what to do.