#starflor

the shared hotel room was a little too cold. that's the only reason that xavier was currently pressed by your side. the two of you were under the same bundle of sheets yet your arms were barely brushing. you were choosing to blame the horrible mission for the need for comfort.

but... xavier was always excellent company.

if you needed to open your heart to somebod... you'd always choose him. it was simply easy to talk to him.

"why do you think the hotel is so cold?" xavier asks under the heavy sheets and you grumble. you're staring at the white ceiling and maybe it was the medication that had both of you loopy. maybe the nerves hadn't rattled off your bones yet.

you never had a platform crumble under you before. you had also never fallen into open sea so fast. the objective wasn't as important as getting somewhere safe. you were grateful you could finish the mission. you spare the lucky stars your thanks but you had truly never felt fear like that. it's one thing to fight against a wanderer... it's another thing to fight against circumstance and win. maybe you're so rattled at the thought of dying. no. worse. xavier dying.

"do you remember that movie we watched?" he tries again quietly. tenderly. you can't help but gaze over at him. it doesn't matter how dark it is. you can always tell your partner apart. you can always tell xavier's near. he felt like the stars that guided you to safety.

"i think that they like to freeze us up so we can't move. we spend a few days here. we have to pay more cause we're both so sleepy." you say and it's an odd-ball theory. a stupid answer so that he keeps talking over you and you don't feel the splitting anxiety in your chest. is the danger really over? are you really safe? could you protect your partner in danger? your heart and brain were all in unison. nerves.

"hm. would you stay here if i was extra sleepy then?" xavier pokes but only a little. only a tad. it's still so fresh. you're merely good friends and yet you want him near. you ache for his touch as much as he aches for yours. it's a strange thing. you thought your soul was meant to be alone. now you realize that you were only looking for him.

"i'll go anywhere you are. that's what partners do." you say bluntly. your thoughts are malfunctioning, miscomputing and you hate that you can't coat your words. you're blunt but xavier cracks your entire system apart. he knows that you're nervous. he's scared as well.

it's quiet again and you're in your head again. xavier sneaks a glance at your frame and he hates how still you look. he wishes he could read your mind. what were you thinking?

( he's the calm in the middle of the storm and you simply want to lay your head somewhere safe. your heart tugs when he says goodnight. your heart races when he smiles and you enjoy hearing his thoughts. you enjoy sitting during your lunch and asking him about his favorite book. you're curious. you're absolutely mad for him. what if another mission happens and you don't get the chance to speak? )

being a hunter isn't for the weak. being a hunter is terrifying. you can handle xavier from a safe distance. you could handle anybody from a safe distance. you couldn't handle not knowing where your lover is for days. you know it's confidential. you think of a mission and the fact that he has to go - and you wouldn't let him leave. you want to sink into him. you want to know where he is. you want to know what he thinks. you've never felt more curious about anybody in your life and that's dangerous. the last person you loved so dearly was dead and you couldn't grasp the concept. you didn't want to grasp another concept and pray to a picture.

"what if i go to the groceries store? do you still want to go?" xavier asks and he notices how you look over at him. it's odd. it's dark. why would you want to look at him? his heart thumps in his chest.

(do you feel the same? do you also want to hold each other? xavier wants to throw up at the thought of losing you. he's trying to have this conversation because he wants to hear your voice. he's so scared. there's so much in between. he hasn't been scared in a long time.)

"during a mission or after work? i'm still your neighbor. i think it's odd that you'd want to go get chicken in a middle of a fight." you ramble and he cuts off so sweetly. you feel the air leave your body as,

"i'm asking if you want to be more."

you're quiet. frozen.

yet, you're warm.

"like a friend?"

"you're looking at me and it's dark. we're laying under a thousand blankets for warmth and your arm is merely touching mine. are you making sure i'm right beside you? are you also as nervous as me after that mess of a mission?" xavier turns to look at you and in the dark, you find the courage to cry. your eyes water and you can only nod.

xavier hears the fabric shuffle and he whispers,

"you can touch me."

"i can't." you say and your voice breaks. there's a sadness underneath your tone and xavier won't back down. not when he's so close. not when he feels the exact same.

"why?"

"i'd die if something happened to you, xavi." you say, so softly. so sweetly that it shatters him in half. "the mission scared me. so much. i couldn't do anything to help you." your tears are big and you're sitting up. he follows your shadow. he'd follow the glimpse of you anywhere. "i was so scared. i couldn't even reach for you. you were falling so fast."

"i can-" he starts but he realizes that it isn't the time. xavier was more worried about you than himself. he's been in a horrid of situation, but he did share the fear. he also adored you more than anything, even if the two of you kept those facts a secret. "i just wanted you to be safe. i'm right here with you. you can trust your partner. you know that right?"

he rests his hand on your shoulder and a small light flicks between the two of you. it dances and he sees your red eyes. you look so frightened. when did you care for him so much? why were you suddenly afraid? he had seen you in missions - you were reckless. had you found something that motivated you? god. he was selfish. he was the worst person he knew. but god, he wished you were crying over him. he wished that you wanted him as much as he wanted you. that this night, would be a new beginning with feelings and over everything... honesty.

"why are you looking at me like that?" you sniffle and you're wiping your eyes. you're a mess of tears.

"i worry about you."

your lip quivers and you look away. "do you promise you'll try your best to be safe? that's the only way..." you whisper very quietly. "i will find you in death and bring you back, xavier. i'm not joking."