#stalker thoughts

There are some big changes coming which, for the sake of my privacy, I won't talk much about.  Just trust me that there are some big changes, all positive, coming for me.

I had a chance to take a short trip to one of my favorite cities recently and that was great.  While I was there I also reached out to friends that I knew there.  If you've been following along, you'll not be surprised to know that I have a habit of trying to tough things out and do things on my own.  This time I reached out and let people know I was coming.  I also accepted their help which, in this case, just meant accepting rides to and from the airport.  That might seem like something normal for you, but, for me, accepting help has always been a challenge.  I do it, but I've had to learn to let go and let people help. I almost always feel good about it when I do.

What's funny is I go into help mode with people too .  I did so with John and it was something that he was uncomfortable with. Better him than me.  As I said, I've learned a few times over the years to accept help. While I might initially hesitate, I know to take it. In contrast, he read all sorts of weird motivations into simple things I'd bring up.  This came up during our last conversation.  Sharing that part of our conversation with friends makes him sound very paranoid because, well, he is in that respect if what he said about what he was thinking is true.  

In one situation, I'd offered to connect him to someone who is doing what he aspires to do.  He completely flipped it into a scenario where I wasn't simply connecting two people, him and this other person, who had similar career paths but instead I was forcing my friends on him.  

Which I wasn't since I'm not friends with the other person.  It was just an incredible level spin and paranoia which was completely off base.  To that end I realized that John has his own set of issues to work through. I can't imagine living a life where simple gestures of generosity are twisted into dark and sinister motives.  That's such an odd way to see the world.  

After a couple of weeks of being too busy, I made it therapy.  It was interesting because I really do feel I've worked most of this John shit out.

He's smart. We clicked.  We liked each other. When we spoke I felt more comfortable than I had in years talking to someone.  I felt understood.

It ends up that being misunderstood is a major sore point for me.  This came out in therapy yesterday.  Whereas maybe some people can take that and just say "well that person's an idiot" and move on, it really irks me.  

That sensitivity to it led me to years of just keeping myself at a distance from people.  With John I opened up and, yes, it had been so long that I just wanted more.  That's when I realized what was triggering me was just an intense need to connect with people.  I'm working on that now as I've written before.  With it coming up on the holidays and with the recent hurricane back east, I'm not calling my friends as often.  In fact, since Hurricane Sandy I've not talked to anyone.  However, I am doing other things.  I'm avoiding social situations that are superficial.  Instead, I'm spending time with people that I feel comfortable with and I'm actually sharing things with them.

One big step to being understood? Communicating with people, explaining who you are and correcting them if they get something wrong.

I'm doing quite well.

I didn't get to therapy last week but will probably go tomorrow.  I figure while I'm at it I can also work on other things like my perfectionist issues.  I'm the worst housekeeper on the planet as a result of that.

I think I've arrived where I need to be in relation to John.  I'm very clear on what my part was in this and what his was.  I was over taken with hope and enthusiasm.  I shared too much and shared way too often.  He, in contrast, retreated and chose to interpret everything negatively.  He also wasn't honest with me until he was just overwhelmed.

Nothing I can really do except accept that I overstepped and make sure it doesn't happen again.  I'm back in the dating fray and am much more cut throat, which is how I usually am.  Had I been that way with John, we'd probably be on to something, even if it was just friendship, but that's not what I want from him or any man anymore.  I'm sure I said before, even if I was the most casual "whatever will happen will happen" female on the planet, he still would have found some fault with me.

I had a GREAT date last night and, like John, he got in touch the next day.  He's very cute, so yippie! I'm not sure what will come of it but he wants to see me again and, unlike John, it seems like when he says he wants to see me again he makes it happen.  He's a busy guy too.  I won't say what he does but, because of John, I'll never believe that line again...ever. I knew before John that you make time for the things you want to do.  I just so desperately wanted to believe him that I turned a blind eye when it was clear he was making excuses.  

I'll probably go to therapy tomorrow.  At this point though I really do think I've worked through figuring out why I got so attached to John.  I've really missed having someone that just understands me and it was tied to the loss of my mother, so when I felt that from him I was toast.  

Now there are other issues to work through regarding other aspects.  I figure while I'm going why not work on the whole damn house instead of one small room?

After getting past the initial shock of it all and realizing that I'd indeed made a complete ass out of myself regarding John, I'm much better now.

I'm still going to therapy and that will continue just for the sake of my well-being.  Having someone to talk to to just work through what's in my head is great. 

I also know that a lot of this mess is about John and his stuff.  Lately he's been posting pretty personal things like where he'll be online for the world to see.  

Wait. If you're concerned about your privacy and concerned that a stalker, that would be me, is going to show up why in the hell do you tell the world where you're going to be? There are many ways to interpret that but the bottom line is it's inconsistent.  Just like if he was concerned about privacy and had been stalked before why would he even engage in a sexual romp instead of getting to know me?  

He took a chance, opened up, told me he liked me and then contacted me the next day.  I took those all as positive signs that he would be fine with open communication.  Instead, he wasn't fine with it at all.  

The warning signs came weeks later and I was really in too deep to recognize them. I needed him to be blunt and he was opting for subtle.  Not good because I can be obtuse to social signals.  This much I've figured out and have written about before.  I'm taking on my part in this comedy of negativity.  He, however, needs to take his.

Posting personal shit online is inconsistent and fodder for more drama.  It makes no sense, and I wish him luck with that.  I'll take the positive from it. On my end it's good because I know exactly which street to avoid. For that, I thank him for being a shit-stirring narcissist. 

And that's great.

The shock of John accusing me of stalking him has passed.  I know what I did.  I know when I crossed the line.  I know when the call happened, while it was shocking, I took it seriously and have not been in contact with him since. I also know that when we met I got a story from him that turned out to not be entirely true.

I've stepped back and looked at what I did. In my defense I do think it matters that I was well-intentioned and meant no harm.  I was also honest about it when he finally confronted me.  There was no denial.  There was no, "I have no idea what you're talking about".  There was none of that.  I listened, respected what he had to say and acted responsibly.  Even before that, I'd listened to what he said and realized he was right.  I started therapy and started reaching out to friends. 

It took me a couple of days to make it to therapy this week. I finally made it there last night. I've decided to go once a week from here on.  Now that I've started working out again, that's really my main form of therapy.  I get physical.  I sweat.  I relax in the sauna.  I leave energized and much happier. 

I noticed that yesterday because I went to the gym immediately after a therapy session. It was a really productive session in that I let myself acknowledge that I really am offended that John didn't believe I'd already taken steps to help myself when we last spoke. I was really proud to thank him and tell him that I'd started therapy and started reconnecting with friends.  I was expecting positive feedback but what did he say to me? "Bullshit".  Yeah, that's what a nice guy does.  

When I was at the gym I did something I'm getting used to doing again: smiling at a stranger.  Why?  Therapy was truly cathartic.  After therapy I stopped at a local drugstore for grooming products and something to drink.  It was nice to be nice and have that great feeling of making someone smile.