Diary of an Accused Stalker

There are some big changes coming which, for the sake of my privacy, I won't talk much about.  Just trust me that there are some big changes, all positive, coming for me.

I had a chance to take a short trip to one of my favorite cities recently and that was great.  While I was there I also reached out to friends that I knew there.  If you've been following along, you'll not be surprised to know that I have a habit of trying to tough things out and do things on my own.  This time I reached out and let people know I was coming.  I also accepted their help which, in this case, just meant accepting rides to and from the airport.  That might seem like something normal for you, but, for me, accepting help has always been a challenge.  I do it, but I've had to learn to let go and let people help. I almost always feel good about it when I do.

What's funny is I go into help mode with people too .  I did so with John and it was something that he was uncomfortable with. Better him than me.  As I said, I've learned a few times over the years to accept help. While I might initially hesitate, I know to take it. In contrast, he read all sorts of weird motivations into simple things I'd bring up.  This came up during our last conversation.  Sharing that part of our conversation with friends makes him sound very paranoid because, well, he is in that respect if what he said about what he was thinking is true.  

In one situation, I'd offered to connect him to someone who is doing what he aspires to do.  He completely flipped it into a scenario where I wasn't simply connecting two people, him and this other person, who had similar career paths but instead I was forcing my friends on him.  

Which I wasn't since I'm not friends with the other person.  It was just an incredible level spin and paranoia which was completely off base.  To that end I realized that John has his own set of issues to work through. I can't imagine living a life where simple gestures of generosity are twisted into dark and sinister motives.  That's such an odd way to see the world.  

After a couple of weeks of being too busy, I made it therapy.  It was interesting because I really do feel I've worked most of this John shit out.

He's smart. We clicked.  We liked each other. When we spoke I felt more comfortable than I had in years talking to someone.  I felt understood.

It ends up that being misunderstood is a major sore point for me.  This came out in therapy yesterday.  Whereas maybe some people can take that and just say "well that person's an idiot" and move on, it really irks me.  

That sensitivity to it led me to years of just keeping myself at a distance from people.  With John I opened up and, yes, it had been so long that I just wanted more.  That's when I realized what was triggering me was just an intense need to connect with people.  I'm working on that now as I've written before.  With it coming up on the holidays and with the recent hurricane back east, I'm not calling my friends as often.  In fact, since Hurricane Sandy I've not talked to anyone.  However, I am doing other things.  I'm avoiding social situations that are superficial.  Instead, I'm spending time with people that I feel comfortable with and I'm actually sharing things with them.

One big step to being understood? Communicating with people, explaining who you are and correcting them if they get something wrong.

I'm doing quite well.

I didn't get to therapy last week but will probably go tomorrow.  I figure while I'm at it I can also work on other things like my perfectionist issues.  I'm the worst housekeeper on the planet as a result of that.

I think I've arrived where I need to be in relation to John.  I'm very clear on what my part was in this and what his was.  I was over taken with hope and enthusiasm.  I shared too much and shared way too often.  He, in contrast, retreated and chose to interpret everything negatively.  He also wasn't honest with me until he was just overwhelmed.

Nothing I can really do except accept that I overstepped and make sure it doesn't happen again.  I'm back in the dating fray and am much more cut throat, which is how I usually am.  Had I been that way with John, we'd probably be on to something, even if it was just friendship, but that's not what I want from him or any man anymore.  I'm sure I said before, even if I was the most casual "whatever will happen will happen" female on the planet, he still would have found some fault with me.

I had a GREAT date last night and, like John, he got in touch the next day.  He's very cute, so yippie! I'm not sure what will come of it but he wants to see me again and, unlike John, it seems like when he says he wants to see me again he makes it happen.  He's a busy guy too.  I won't say what he does but, because of John, I'll never believe that line again...ever. I knew before John that you make time for the things you want to do.  I just so desperately wanted to believe him that I turned a blind eye when it was clear he was making excuses.  

I'll probably go to therapy tomorrow.  At this point though I really do think I've worked through figuring out why I got so attached to John.  I've really missed having someone that just understands me and it was tied to the loss of my mother, so when I felt that from him I was toast.  

Now there are other issues to work through regarding other aspects.  I figure while I'm going why not work on the whole damn house instead of one small room?

After getting past the initial shock of it all and realizing that I'd indeed made a complete ass out of myself regarding John, I'm much better now.

I'm still going to therapy and that will continue just for the sake of my well-being.  Having someone to talk to to just work through what's in my head is great. 

I also know that a lot of this mess is about John and his stuff.  Lately he's been posting pretty personal things like where he'll be online for the world to see.  

Wait. If you're concerned about your privacy and concerned that a stalker, that would be me, is going to show up why in the hell do you tell the world where you're going to be? There are many ways to interpret that but the bottom line is it's inconsistent.  Just like if he was concerned about privacy and had been stalked before why would he even engage in a sexual romp instead of getting to know me?  

He took a chance, opened up, told me he liked me and then contacted me the next day.  I took those all as positive signs that he would be fine with open communication.  Instead, he wasn't fine with it at all.  

The warning signs came weeks later and I was really in too deep to recognize them. I needed him to be blunt and he was opting for subtle.  Not good because I can be obtuse to social signals.  This much I've figured out and have written about before.  I'm taking on my part in this comedy of negativity.  He, however, needs to take his.

Posting personal shit online is inconsistent and fodder for more drama.  It makes no sense, and I wish him luck with that.  I'll take the positive from it. On my end it's good because I know exactly which street to avoid. For that, I thank him for being a shit-stirring narcissist. 

And that's great.

The shock of John accusing me of stalking him has passed.  I know what I did.  I know when I crossed the line.  I know when the call happened, while it was shocking, I took it seriously and have not been in contact with him since. I also know that when we met I got a story from him that turned out to not be entirely true.

I've stepped back and looked at what I did. In my defense I do think it matters that I was well-intentioned and meant no harm.  I was also honest about it when he finally confronted me.  There was no denial.  There was no, "I have no idea what you're talking about".  There was none of that.  I listened, respected what he had to say and acted responsibly.  Even before that, I'd listened to what he said and realized he was right.  I started therapy and started reaching out to friends. 

It took me a couple of days to make it to therapy this week. I finally made it there last night. I've decided to go once a week from here on.  Now that I've started working out again, that's really my main form of therapy.  I get physical.  I sweat.  I relax in the sauna.  I leave energized and much happier. 

I noticed that yesterday because I went to the gym immediately after a therapy session. It was a really productive session in that I let myself acknowledge that I really am offended that John didn't believe I'd already taken steps to help myself when we last spoke. I was really proud to thank him and tell him that I'd started therapy and started reconnecting with friends.  I was expecting positive feedback but what did he say to me? "Bullshit".  Yeah, that's what a nice guy does.  

When I was at the gym I did something I'm getting used to doing again: smiling at a stranger.  Why?  Therapy was truly cathartic.  After therapy I stopped at a local drugstore for grooming products and something to drink.  It was nice to be nice and have that great feeling of making someone smile.

Saw this scroll by on Twitter today and had to share:

I think it's universal. "Being" mean (even if we're just rehearsing the convo) is easier than "feeling" hurt.

— BreneBrown (@BreneBrown) October 17, 2012

I agree with this because with John, I was doing what relationship coaches tell you not to do: being open and vulnerable. Basically, I revealed way too much way too soon and scared the poor guy off.

Reading this tweet just reminded me about how mean he is to people online and how I mistook that as a measure of his honesty with people he actually knew. It's easier to be firm with someone you don't know.  I, however, have been in real life situations where I've had to be firm with people face to face, so it doesn't phase me to do it.  It's also just easier to be mean than to open up.  

As I'm still working through this John stuff, it's odd when I connect with someone else. Basically, I write A LOT. The main reason is it's therapeutic and helps me think. Also, if I think the receiver would appreciate it, I feel explaining myself helps them get to know me.

Anyway, I just wrote a long message to another man and, like I did when I wrote to John, I included a caveat that maybe I was saying too much.  This guy's reply, "Not at all".  

I immediately thought of the scorn and judgment I've gotten from John and shed a couple of tears because two things were going on with John 1) I'd been holding back but took someone's advice to ramp it up and write when the mood struck (bad, bad, bad, idea) and 2) "I just want to be understood" hit me hard because it's something I don't get a lot. It's frustrating having to knock down stereotypes and assumptions.  The pull initially with John was a level of comfort I'd not felt in a long time.  He's a smart guy and it's just easier for smart people to understand complex things.

It's really not fair that he's judging me so harshly.  That's what has come out in both therapy and talking to my friends. They also said someone else would very much appreciate that I'm good with words and thoughtful. They're right about that too. I just need to shake off this attachment. I hate saying that but it's true.

Okay, I went out on my first date since that phone call with John.  I figured 3 weeks of licking my wounds is enough.  John's on the road and dodging fights with people.  Yeah because almost getting into fights is something that's common with nice guys...not.  Looks like I'm realizing that John has his douchebag moments and I've been in denial.  I did cross a line, but it's not like he helped by communicating or being honest with me.  He let me willingly dig myself into a ditch even when in my emails I said I was committing a "faux pas" and was breaking all the rules.  In fact, I said to him a few times that I just didn't want to fake the coy stuff to reel him in.  However, I know now that had I done that instead of listening to new-agey advice to "just be me" I wouldn't be in this fucking pickle.  He's a hot and very smart douchebag who let me fall flat on my face and, yes, ultimately that's my own fault.

Date Guy was fun and going out with someone new helped me temper the angst I'd been channeling my way over how things have turned out with John. 

Just about everything ends up making me feel a little less crazy. Just talking to other people even if I don't mention John, which I didn't, helps.  John might see me as a nut but I've got an ex-boyfriend that I've told about this situation. He was completely shocked and he's seen me in a pretty bad state of mind before. He's got faith in me and was really shocked that I'm being so hard on myself.  My friends feel the same way, so I've got to give them some credit and consider that they might have some valid perspectives on this.  I know I crossed a line with John, but it really wasn't until he told me to back off.  It tried.  That lasted for two weeks and then I failed.  After that, John was completely justified.  I am a perfectionist and I am hard on myself.  It's also clear that  John is a negative and suspicious man, so you just can't win with him no matter how noble your objectives are.  That much I understand now. It's a bad combo if people aren't being honest and he wasn't being honest with me.

Again, he's got a right to his opinion but he's not necessarily right.  I just need to respect how he sees it, continue to work on myself and keep leaving him the hell alone.

With this new guy, we were talking and I told him that I Googled his phone number and told him what I found.  Like how I felt with John, I figured he'd want to know what I found.  Unlike John he reacted normally and wanted to know. I explained why I ran the search.  I wanted to know more about him and it helps to verify what you've been told.  Look, if you meet someone online, you have NO idea if they are who they say they are. A guy I went out told me what he'd found by Googling my phone number. I was a little freaked out but it was great to know because I took steps to get that info offline.  John being completely paranoid flipped and misinterpreted it. This new guy having a professional background got it, and I don't feel like some crazy and intrusive pariah.   

Again, it's just nice having some perspective.  Wish me luck for a second date with this guy.  He was fun and I'd like to know more.

I think I wrote previously that I didn't initially believe John.  He told me to "back off" via text.  I did for a couple of weeks and then relapsed.  He also said he was scared about how I'd react because I wasn't getting attention from him.  I had not a clue that he was really apprehensive.  For me, it ran counter to his pubic image which is pretty much a take-no-prisoners/in-your-face approach to communication. Let's just say that a lot of people think that he's an asshole.  He's a capable and talented in his profession, so that gives him a lot of leeway.  But the general perception is he's a dick. With that sort of rep to preceding him I believed that if he could tell a complete stranger that they were an idiot that he'd have no issues being honest with me. 

I was wrong.  I was very wrong.

One thing that's helped me really understand his perspective and the phenomenon of stalking in general is reading the experiences of other people on both sides.  Earlier I wrote about someone who really got into detail on Quora.com about the depth of her stalking of a co-worker.  Her story is alarming and quite creepy. For me, it was soothing because I went from being curious about John to being persistent.  I never hid a thing, and when he confronted me (much to his surprise) I didn't deny a thing, and told him I was already being proactive, getting therapy and making an effort to reconnect with friends.  I'm the most self-aware cyberstalker on the planet, I think. ;) It all sounded too good to be true to him, but there is nothing I can do about that.

It's a slow Sunday morning and I'm up early. I went back to Quora this morning and found some other stuff. It's easy enough to find just by running searching for "stalker" or "stalking" and then reading the questions that have answers. I'm not going to link them because they're snippets and vignettes.

BTW, thank goodness for Quora because it's been long overdue as Yahoo! Answers is just a farm of low quality answers.  No, I don't even go to Yahoo! Answers but in a general web search their crap answers will pop up. It's like a train wreck! Sometimes you just have to look. ;)

Anyway, these accounts are just helpful to read it because it shows I'm not abnormal in the sense that I'm not alone.  It's also helpful to read the perspective of someone who was a victim of a stalker.  It helps me understand how an otherwise successful alpha male sort of guy would feel apprehensive.

There just isn't much to talk about in relation to John, and that's a good sign that time is doing its thing along with the other things I'm doing. He's out of town and that makes me feel more comfortable.  Even though the possibility is distant, I can wander around sure that I won't run into him and then be accused of trying to engineer a chance meeting.  That's something I'd not do but something he seemed to be concerned might happen. Even if he's paranoid, what matters is his perception as he's the victim.

This week I realized that along with getting back to regular exercise, I really only have time for counseling once a week.  I went on Monday and tried to go a couple of other times but it didn't work out. 

I also had a personal milestone this week.  It was fun to celebrate and have so many people get in touch. I treated myself to a nice dinner and a friend took me out to one of my favorite places. It made me feel less lonely too.  I now realize at it's core my behavior was motivated by loneliness.  I was lonely and when I spent time with John I was pretty comfortable and felt understood.  He's very smart, so unlike when I talk to some people I didn't have to explain every little bit of my story or experience.  For me, it was a powerful connection I wanted him to be a regular part of my life.  I wanted that so badly and just couldn't play a passive waiting game.  I've never really been good at it, but I failed marvelously at it this time.

The dating end of things is picking up. A guy I went out wants to see me again. I'll be honest and say he'll end up being a casual, FWB partner at best.  I think having someone around to take the sexual edge off while I'm looking isn't a bad thing at all.  Someone else asked me out to dinner for tonight.  I told him no because I have plans already, but we'll see how we do at figuring out another time.

I've got both exercise and social time planned for today too. 

This may or may not end up being something I do daily or just on days like this where I squeeze a lot in.

Here is a list:

A phone call with the first friend I called when all of this mess started.  It was good talking to her.

Made plans to head out to walk with some friends in a couple of weeks around the city again.

Made plans to meet up with another friend for drinks after work early next week. 

I also got myself back to the gym.

Let me start this off with another song I just love and which, I think, is fitting.

The meaning of this song in Peter's words:

I was referring to a mental flood, actually. You know, a release, a wash over the mind, not necessarily the land. A downhill course which leads to a disaster - an opening up, a telepathic society where people can read each others' minds. Of course, in such a situation there'd be no real change for people who have been honest and open with whatever's in their minds, but those who have been rather two-faced and who have kept their thoughts hidden would find it very difficult.

Actually, this is more like pre-therapy and then a therapy debrief.

First, the goal I had for last week to talk to three friends was met. I spoke to a friend Sunday before last.  I talked to another on the phone on Tuesday evening and then met a friend for lunch.  I told each other of them that I'm making a focused effort to connect with friends again. I probably won't meet up with anyone this week, but I will make a point of making a couple more calls.  I need to get back into the habit of talking to people.  It won't be the same as when I was a middle school or high school student.  There won't be daily long phone calls, but I have to make sure I've got a support network.  What's interesting is now I'm sensing a shift and people are reaching out to me too.  It's not that they've not before, but I've become very good at keeping people at arm's length.  Someone I went on a trip with recently noticed I'd gone on that Saturday walk and specifically asked me to let her know the next time I was planning to head out with that group as she's a member too.  Nice, right?

Yesterday I spoke to the friend I reached out to the evening after John and I spoke.  As I wrote last week, that first conversation was cathartic and helped a lot.  This call was just as good for helping to mend my soul.  At the end of the conversation we agreed that we'd try to catch up weekly.  I also said that I realized I needed to not feel guilty taking care of myself.  I mean you can put a lot of lip service to the "I'm gonna do me!" schtick but if it's just talk and it's not backed by a real belief that it's okay, well, it's just hot air.  Even before I met John I was getting in the habit of doing things for myself again.  I had in the past. This is both physical things, like spa treatments and exercise, and mental things, like nurturing friendships or getting back into activities that I enjoy. Life got hard and I let things go so I could focus and survive. That means I literally let myself go in some ways. I'm slowly loosening up and letting myself feel comfortable indulging and taking care of myself again. I realize now I just came out of a very tough period of being in survival mode.  I do think it will be a slow process because I don't want to jump from austerity to indulgence without being mindful. Of course, the conversation also dealt with my friend and the issues he's working on. As that's his business, that's all I'll say about that.

In therapy I talked about being intense.  That came up during the call with my friend as we're both similar in that way.  It's come up here too.  I'm intense and, as I've written before, that's okay.

I hit a new insight.  During our last call John told me he'd been stalked before. He's also completely misinterpreted quite a few things. While I know I've no control over his perspective, that it did bother me that he didn't believe that I wasn't self-motivated enough to help myself.  He doesn't know me but that shows such a lack of faith in people in general.  Prior to our last conversation, I'd already gone to therapy.  Prior to our last conversation, I'd already started reaching out to friends.  One I spoke to on the phone and another I'd spoken to via Skype. John and I went back and for about me finding him on Skype.  I explained that I was forced into a business call on Skype.  I wanted to use the G+ Hangout.  I set it up, was in the call with one other person, but other participants were having a problem figuring it out. They were comfortable with Skype, so I fired up my old account and we did the call that way. I'd not used it regularly for awhile. But I've also gotten a new phone and my client started contacting me via Skype on my phone.  That was how I ended up seeing a friend of mine who is abroad was online. I called him and there he was on camera and we talked for a little bit.  After that, I kept it on.  My client is finding me with it! Duh! I'm keeping it on. Yes, I searched for John and sent a connect request.  His response? "Bullshit".  From John's perspective, I guess, I got on to Skype with the sole purpose of seeking him out.  That's just fucking paranoid.  Layer on top of that that he also didn't believe I'd been to therapy and didn't believe I'd reached out to friends two friends prior to the last conversation he and I had.  To have him be so cynical that I actually want to heal is insulting. It also says a lot about him and how he sees not only me but how he sees people in general.

I've not been in the doldrums for years.  This is a fairly recent turn.  I can pretty much see when it started.  I won't write it out now. Basically, life got difficult for me and instead of reaching out to people I pulled away.  When my parents died, it was hard but I did have friends who got tough with me. They insisted that I spend time with them and just told me straight up when they saw me retreating.  This second time around when I was going through a major transition, I didn't have that core network of people who knew me well and had my back.  In fact, in this last period some core friendships ended.  It happens to everyone, I know, but most people have a larger network.  I was relocating and getting to know a whole new circle of people.  I found it hard to open up to them and now I realize I have to.  If I can't, then I need to find some new friends.

The insight?  Well, yeah, I'm fucked up in some ways, but so is he.  I'm on an active mission to understand and mend things.  This insight came when I told my therapist that I saw things going one of two ways once the time-out period with John is over: Option 1) I make no contact or Option 2) I make contact and I'm uncertain if, with his perspective, he'd believe I've been working on myself and have made progress; that would basically put me right back at square one in relation to him.  However, then a new option hit me.  He'd leaned on me hard saying I needed to get help.  I didn't disagree because he was right. I'd already started therapy and was actively reaching out to friends.  However, how about him?  I can understand that being the victim of a stalker, especially, if it's really true that someone physically stalked him makes it harder to trust someone new.  But he rushed into this just as quickly as I did.  Knowing what I know now how sane is it to rush in?  Hell, knowing what I know now, I push back on guys trying to get to know me too fast.

I also know that he was inconsistent.  He was so incredibly open and forthcoming with me that I really thought that what I was seeing was who he was.  It also resonated with me because I'm that way too if I allow myself to get close to someone and, again, with him I relaxed, opened up, and felt a connection that I'd not felt with someone in a long time.  However, the problem was that he was open for a small amount of time and then I never saw him like that again.  If he's been like that before with someone else, red hot and then arctic cold, I can see someone being confused. I know I wrote to him a few times about feeling uncertain and powerless.  That was an invite for him to say 1) don't feel uncertain and 2) let me know that I did have some power. I got that once from him.  Again, I realize now I needed to just take my power back, cut him off and be done with it until he decided it was worth it for him to take a chance. You can't badger someone into that.  And I KNOW that but I did it any way.  I told my therapist that I think part of it was knowing full well I was on a collision course but I was digging for any response I could get from him when I knew things were going in the wrong direction.

With any other guy  I think that I would have stepped.  In fact, there are other guys.  There is one I recently cut off because he was writing me long emails.  Oh, the irony of that considering why I'm in trouble with John.  I told this guy that he was being inconsiderate of my time. I'd specifically told him I was under a deadline (true) and quite busy (again, true.)  Another guy wants something casual and that's probably the only sort of relationship I'm ready for right now. However, he's not really doing it for me for a few reasons one being that talking to him isn't really all that interesting.  He'll also make contact but then only drops hints.  This isn't a game of "Clue".

Now back to John. He's suspicious.  He went into some serious projection and threw things on me that I'd not done.  He's got his own set of neuroses he needs to work on.  Is he doing it?  I'm not sure, but when the time comes if we decide to reboot this I'm going to need to know what he's done.  That's option three and the most likely one I'll choose: Option 3) I've managed to put my head back on straight, what have you been doing to help yourself, John?

America's Next Top Model -- "The Girl Who Gets Pwn'd" pictured: Victoria Cycle 19 Photo: Patrick Wymore/The CW ©2012 The CW Network, LLC. All Rights Reserved

I have no idea why I love this show so much because while I do love fashion and dressing nice, I think the modeling industry is just insane.  Take teenagers and young women and tell all women they're supposed to look like that.  Yeah, that's healthy. My generation is not going to age gracefully.  I know that images created by the fashion industry mess with my head to this day.  Feeling insecure about my looks is definitely part of the reason I attached to John so intensely.  His attention made me feel special, and I wanted more of that feeling. I realize I need to generate that feeling for myself or else this is going to happen again.

Anyway, that's a nice detour but not what inspired me to write about this season's show.  Victoria is one of the contestants in this current season.  She's home schooled, goes to an online university and has been raised by her mother.  She's really close to her mother and just loves her mother so much. It's totally weird because she's socially isolated, but it's something I get because I had a similar deep connection with my own mother. I also vacillated between being popular but I retreated when things got hard for me emotionally.  She's slowly crumbling on the show and when she does crumble her mom looms large in her mind.  It's weird to see, but, you know what? I laid a lot of my weird behavior with John onto my feelings of grief over my mother.  (With a couple of weeks of therapy I realize that I'm using my loss as a crutch and I've got to stop that; I had a great relationship with my mother and I need to honor her by living my life without her with as much grace and dignity that I can muster.)

I wasn't home schooled and went to university where I sat next to other students and with that comes social lessons, but I was very close to my mother.  When I moved to go to college, I called my mother almost everyday and days where we couldn't talk, I felt a tinge of sadness because I used those moments to open up and be vulnerable. When I lived at home we'd sit across the table or in the living room and would just talk. In retrospect, maybe I was too close because now that she's dead she comes up in just about every situation where I'm trying to get close to someone.  I'm trying to replace that deep bond of communication. I miss having someone that close to me who loves me, is concerned about me, and who also loves talking to me. I struggle to replace her knowing full well I never fully will. What this means is I need to find some substitutes.  She's never coming back and that's hard enough. However, she'd not want me so focused on the past.  For myself and for her, I need to have people around that I can talk to.  When I talked to a friend over lunch about this last week, I told her that one of the things I realized was I need to make an effort to get closer to people again.

Knowing that I miss the communication I had with my mom rationally doesn't solve the loneliness that I feel. It's scary too because I've got no one to lean on when things are difficult. If I had that, I wouldn't have laid everything on poor John.  When I think about it, I feel so bad for him.  It's scary because if something goes wrong there is no one to catch me. 

With John it wasn't the physical stuff that happened between us.  No doubt it was GREAT, but that wasn't what got me hooked. It was being able to relax, talk and connect with someone on a mental level.  It's so rare for me that it was like crack to me.

I vacillate between thinking I should have never met him or the less extreme thought that he and I should have just taken things slow. The second option is more appealing because I do like the guy.

My inner demons got stirred up and his did too.  I mean putting a lonely woman dying for a meaningful connection together with a man who has been stalked and has trust issues?