#srugs

joon says i'm sorry and he actually means it, because that's the first time those words have ever left his mouth and he's really meant it. right now, he's standing in henry's hallway and he doesn't know what else to say. joon isn't good at stringing words together. he's not angry either, he's just kind of there, kind of feeling like time has stopped where they are. or maybe that's wrong, actually, because he feels terrible instead and he doesn't know what to do with that either.

joon says i didn’t know what i wanted and i thought if i changed everything, it would get better and it just got worse. he can hear the crack in his own voice at that point. he can tell he’s about to cry. he actually knows for once that he can’t blame anyone else but himself for this and that’s the worst part, feeling like he fucked up again, even though that’s the only thought he’s had for the past two years. 

joon scrubs at his eyes to pretend he’s not crying, even though henry has seen him cry so many times that it’s probably obvious. what joon wants to say is i’m not crying because everything is a back and forth of joon denying things. he can’t say it though, because that would insinuate all of the pieces are falling back into place and there’s no gaping distance between them. what he does actually manage to say then is i wouldn’t leave again and i still love you and i missed you.