do you ever wonder what really big guys think about
i’ll tell you.
you ever see a really big guy at the zoo? he’s there for a reason. it’s probably to win an internet argument. if he’s there with another big guy (yes they’re gay) then they’re both there to settle a real life argument.
like you’ve seen little guys. you know, he’s just a little guy. you know what they’re about. they’re all sorts of kinds. he could be at the zoo for the penguins, or the bird house, or the butterfly house. that’s a good one. or the polar bears. but big guys have a different purpose at the zoo. i’m talking about the biggest guy, the guys who are doing neck exercises at the gym because their bench press has stalled at just over 200kg and it’s finally time to start wearing that toilet seat thing and attaching weights to it and bobbing your head like you’re at a real slow motion concert and the music is pretty good but not good enough to dance, and everybody at the gym is in two categories: they either know what the big guy is doing because god they wish they were a big guy, or they have not a goddamn clue what the big guy is doing but accept it zealously because he’s like, the biggest guy. that gets you an immediate fastpass. big guy pass. you need to train your neck if you’re going bench press over 200kg. trust me, you’re gonna want to. i mean these guys train their neck before they train their traps, do you get what i am saying? that is how big. they drop their weights after a deadlift because setting them down is extra effort and they need that energy to be a big guy.
so they’re at the zoo, right. they’re at the zoo because when you’re a real big guy there’s not a ton of questions left for you to answer. you’ve pretty much answered them all. except there’s always that last question: is that other guy bigger than me? once you get to the neck training level you’ve got a little tire underneath your skull, like a little floaty for your head, and you gotta have the traps to match otherwise your head just floats away. and when there’s a bunch of big guys it’s just too complicated to figure out the biggest guy. everyone’s gonna have a big neck, big traps, big chest, big ass. just the biggest asses on the biggest guys. but they vary, right? one guy has a big ass, the other guy has a big ass, you start comparing and things get out of hand and you never really find out who the biggest guy is.
so you get someone else to make the judgement call. there’s one specific biggest guy who can do that. if you see a big guy or two at the zoo, follow them and you’re gonna end up at the gorilla exhibit. see, gorillas guys size each other up like, all the time. they’re always trying to figure out who the biggest guy is for like, all sorts of reasons. and they ignore regular humans, for the most part. but when they see a sufficiently big guy they go kinda bananas. they look at the traps, and if you got a big neck you gotta have the traps. if two big guys go the zoo, the gorilla is always going to freak out at the biggest guy. if he ignores you, wow, that stings.
don’t do this more than once in your life, by the way, potential big guys. you really make ‘em mad, and you shouldn’t do that to the biggest guy. it’s just rude and it’s not good for the animals. settle your bet if you really have to and then don’t hang around.
i know guys who know guys who’ve been banned from the zoo. i know guys who say they’ve been banned from the zoo. pretty big guys but i wasn’t there to see the three white light confirmation if you know what i mean.
