#spulled thoughts

I loved Breakfast at Tiffanys and Audrey Hepburn in my teens and twenties. I knew nothing about her really, it just seemed glamorous to mimic such a beautiful screen icon. I liked the idea that I was Holly Golightly, convinced that I could also be 5’ 7" of graceful brunette chic.

There wasn’t much time for Hollywood glamour when the consultant said “I can confirm it is cancer”, life became about determination, wanting an immediate happy ever after, and a slow burning ache to be a mother before that option was taken away from me.

The box sets were shelved. Tastes change, life moves on. I hadn’t given it a second thought for years, it was just a film I used to like.

You asked me if I’d like to go see the play recently, it made me think about her again, and it squared a circle. She was an iconic face in my twenties, now she’s a beacon of hope.

She was totally overwhelmed with her need to have children, and was driven by that need when she married. She broke off two engagements herself because they wouldn’t bring her the family she craved.

She lived through two heartbreaking miscarriages before she had her first longed for child, and three more later.

She followed her sense of love, she had affairs and was cheated on. She was totally flawed, but she always gave the outward appearance of carrying herself with grace.

She stayed in a shaky marriage until she thought her children were old enough to deal with her being a single mother.

Finally, in her forties she met a partner with whom she shared the rest of her life. She said “never” to marriage, and was content.

I’m not sure that I ever managed the effortless chic, but now I’m older and I’ve lived through joy and heartbreak, I relate so much to the essence of who she was. I have made so many mistakes, but I am trying to deal with them with as much grace as I can muster.