#spthrdn

“We were all strangers once. Until one of us said hello, and then nothing is ever the same again. The question is, would you still say hello if you knew it’s going to end with a goodbye? Would that temporary moment we have between the words justify it?” — Ika Natassa.

She read those words while scrolling one of her social media, about few weeks ago. They’ve tickled her mind, as always. She didn’t get sleep that night until dawn. Don’t bother to ask, because she had no clue either. All she knows that she couldn’t shut the noise inside her head. It kept rewind few years back, and the IF scenario take turn.

What if she refused to join to her friend’s birthday celebration, would you and her meet in another occasion? What if in two years later, she cancel went to the city where you lived, would you and her finally get along? What if few months later she answered ‘no’ for your question at that bookstore, would you and her still be brokenhearted five years later?

Most of people who knows about their story will say with those pity eyes whom she hated the most, “You were wasting your time, you know?” “How would I know?”, she really want to replied them with that, but she set the default answer with a grin instead. Left the answer hanging in the dead air.

She’s been better, put herself together, tidy the room up, and others and others. But today, they all torn apart. It’s funny, life is too funny to be sad about something. It’s too funny when she think everything will be just fine while It’s not. It’s too funny until you can’t laugh at it. And the worst part, she was the last person who found it out.

It’s been settled. She will finish what she has started, everything. Let’s walk down memory lane and meet the ghost from the past;the kind and the evil one, the happy and the sad moments.

It’s about last night.

A half to twelve before midnight. She was lying on the bed with phone on her hand, scrolling social media and texting to her friend. She was still wearing her going-to-wedding-invitation outfit while her phone was ringing.

She never gets a midnight phone call anymore, not after him. She looked at the screen and a familiar name was appeared. She was astonished for while and let it rang for a while, just to make sure that the caller was meant to call her.

The ring was stopped. Eight minutes after midnight, her phone was ringing again, and she picked it up.

“Halo”, she said right after slide a green button.

“Hng, I’m tired.”, he said with his sleepy voice.

It was him, with his typical phone calling; sleeping but talking, sleeping but still can answer the question. She was talking to him about anything. She knew that he wouldn’t remember any of it, but deep down she relieved that he still takes her as a place to rest. She knows it’s pathetic to feel that way.

Around two o’clock, she finally fall asleep with him still on the phone, like their habit back then.

She didn’t know if what she did was right. She ditched her surrounding and all of people that matter, people who care about her. It was her lowest point of life if she might say so. Maybe she was just exaggerating by saying all those things. That was also the first time she felt her heart was broken by a man.

It was bright sunny Sunday. She picked him up at the usual place. She was smiling when looked at him but he didn’t seem happy as she was.

“Something’s wrong with him”, she said to herself suspiciously. He couldn’t hide his worries face. She ignored for a while and just cheered him up.

They went for a breakfast and decided to have a porridge. He dropped the thing that bothered him since yesterday. He wanted to break up with her. She started crying the moment he told her. Her world was collapsed, no words came out from her mouth.He told her the reason and why he had to do it. She didn’t want to do what he asked but she didn’t has any choice either.

They spent their time together for the last time. Pretend that nothing would happen at the end of the day. She couldn’t smile, her chest felt tight. Although he was broken as she did but he was trying so hard to make her feel better. The clock showed quarter past four and they were already at the place where she picked him up in the morning.

“It’s almost time”, she hold her tears.

He was hold her hands for the last time, tightly. She did the same way as he did. People who was passing by looking at them but they couldn’t care less.

“The bus to The Cold City will be departed soon. All of the passengers kindly get on”, the officer announced.

They looked at each other and he hugged her for the last time, tightly. She could feel he didn’t want to let her go but he had to.

“Shelter” by Birdy kept playing on her phone. She was on the way to find a shelter. Rest for a while from thing that just happened. She hoped, this was only a nightmare and she woke up right after this scene.

This was not a dream. She was too naive to think that way. She was too naive to think that they would be together forever. For the first time in her life, she loves someone dearly. Love follows by expectation and some expectation will lead into disappointment.

She closed her eyes as she listened to Birdy’s voice. Tearing up everything.

I find shelter in this way Under cover, hide away Can you hear when I say I have never felt this way

It’s a long windy road.

She’s in the middle of nowhere. It almost dawn. She’s awake after slept for three hours and eight hours distance from previous city. She feels cold, she looks at he phone and the temperature said it’s 9 degrees. it supposed to be warm inside the bus, but not this time.

She looks outside the window. She’s out of words but a second later wisher,

“Masya Allah”.

The sky started to change, from dark blue full of stars becoming dark orange with the stars still there.

She took a brief pause.

She’s amazed by the view.

August is one of a historical month for Indonesia because its Independence Day falls on 17th. Every institution, like school, university, company, even the society will celebrate this day by held several events, including her company. The gathering of the committee was on Monday. She accidentally met with Change Agents when she was on an outside meeting.

Today, the event was held. She’s been told to wear color coordinate top with her unit, either white or red. She chose white blouse with red veil and navy jeans. Everyone is hectic since morning to prepare what they had to do. She helped to dress up her friend for the parade.

While she was in the middle of it, her boss called her.

“Yes? Is there anything that I can help?”, she asked.

“Where is he?”, he asked about her teammate.

He tried to calm his face when he dropped the bomb to her.

“About what we’ve been discussed, the possibilities of both of you move to Accounting department, remember?”

“How can I forget”, she replied sarcastic.

“Our VP is on the meeting with Accounting, Human Resources, and the PDCA People. The result has been decided but I still haven’t get the news, yet.”

He can clearly see her miserable looked. Her mouth says nothing but her eyes says everything.

He continued, ”There are only two possibilities, either you will stay here or move. I’m sure whatever the decision made will be the best for you, for your career. Don’t you forget that.”

She still has nothing to say, only put her head on the table, frustrated. Her chest is full of weight. She’s about to burst into tears but trying to hold it.

“Smile and win the race!”

Yeah, she was being part of choir team and will sing Si Patokaan, one of National anthem from North Sulawesi.

The time has passed, and it’s ten past eleven already. She and her friends along with her teammate and boss were starving and decided to eat at food court near the office. After that, they went to a coffee shop.

When they were waiting for it, her boss showed her and her teammate something. It’s about the result. He said they are save and will stay there. The feeling of joy invaded her. She relieved.

Oh and the choir team was win the second place. Another happy news.

While they’re both argued, she’s laughing.

“So, what happen to both of you?”, he kept asking the same question.

“What do you mean?”, she asked pretending had no clue.

“He is curious about what happen between you and that guy.”, he spilled the bean impatiently.

She is laughing and say, “I can’t tell you here. It will take time and I’m a major weeper when I told about what happen between us.”

“It’s okay. Don’t hold your feeling back. If you feel like you will burst into tears, just let it be. Embrace the feeling.”

“I know I know, and I’m still trying.”

“So, you won’t tell me about it?”

“I will but not here.”, she closed her statement with grind.

He is rolling his eyes while she is laughing. Her teammate laughing hard too because they are success to make their boss curious.

“What happen to them?”

She vaguely heard her boss asking to her teammate while she was on video call with her colleague’s child. A cute handsome one year old boy who barely speak an ‘alien language’. She likes him, she likes children. They are adorable but they can be irritated at the same time. She still likes them though.

She doesn’t notice that she is the one who become their object of conversation. She’s busy talking to baby Z, asking him a question, make him laugh, looking at him. He’s too cute to be ignored. After around 5 minutes, she’s back to her chair and they are still talking. Her teammate said this one sentences:

“... well, it’s already time for her too. She always looking at him or other child with her longing eyes, like missing the person she hardly missed.”, and both of them looking at her.

“What?”, she curiously asked them.

“Nothing.”, her boss said while holding a smile, and so is her teammate.

“What is it?”, she asked again, but this time the question goes to her teammate.

That two guys are still smiling like children who caught after eating candy and ice cream. She looks at them with her killer look, but they are still smiling.

“What are you guys talking about?”, she’s asking the same question, persistently.

“We’re just talking about you.”, her teammate finally give up.

“About what?”, she replied.

“About what happened with you and that guy who you still love until now.”, he said while laughing at their boss

“Ah why did you tell her!”, he felt bad about the question.

While they’re both argued, she’s laughing.

There is a time when you want to stay away for a while from the crowd, or some certain people, just to give your self a time out. All you want to do is going somewhere far, put things down from your shoulder, and having fun, or just enjoying the view.

She’s been a stage where she needed an escape; from her routine, away from some certain people, away from home; for a while. She needs a mountain view with a cold gloomy weather, maybe a company would be nice too. A person who will give his time, without a bunch of question. Just be there and said, “Everything will be fine, eventually.”

She’s on the way back home from her office, and this song by Lene Marlin just played:

Have you ever seen your face, In a mirror there's a smile But inside you're just a mess, You feel far from good Need to hide, 'cause they'd never understand

Have you ever had this wish, of being somewhere else To let go of your disguise, all your worries too And from that moment, then you see things clear

I'm okay, I really am now Just needed some time, to figure things out Not telling lies, I'll be honest with you Still we don't know what's yet to come

Are you waiting for the day When your pain will disappear When you know that it's not true What they say about you You could not care less about the things Surrounding you Ignoring all the voices from now on

“And that’s just what I need”, she mumbled.