#sproutjournals

Wow. This has taken a lot to work up the energy to type, which is unfortunate. I was really enjoying getting into the nightly habit of coming here and unwinding with a bit of self-reflection, oversharing and cracking the occasional poorly worded joke. Yesterday was really a disruptive day, probably the most upsetting day of my life since 2020 and really an absolute low point. I'm feeling winded, exhausted, tired and diminished. Every negative adjective of self description could be applied to me in some regard, but I won't linger for too long on that. Just know that I am a lot worse off than I want to be at this moment, but I'm still trying my hardest to do better <3

My eyes are feeling heavy right now, so I'll type this as fast as my silly, sleepy fingers will let me. Yesterday was a blur. The last thing I did on election night was text my [REDACTED], Aaron, that I was going to bed. It was a bit of a lie, I stayed up for another 15 minutes refreshing the election results and being disappointed by what I saw, then I turned on a soundcloud recording of a YouTube documentary about the andromeda galaxy. I think that Aaron slept to Game Grumps that night, but I can't remember precisely. I woke up only 5 hours later and... I'll admit it, I cried at what I saw online. At the pain I saw entering queer spaces, at the fear that immigrants - citizen or otherwise - were feeling online, the economic and social uncertainty that was entering the collective consciousness. I felt afraid, too. I called off school, sent out some hastily written emails to my professors apologizing but not quite feeling bad about my decision to skip yesterday. I feel like given the breakup, the election and every other tiny thing going wrong in life rn I deserve to skip college if even for a day. So I did that.

I was gonna have to skip a couple of my classes anyway, I had a house tour at noon that I was actually super excited for! And by house tour I mean shitty apartment tour because I am still a college kid and like who tf is out here renting/buying a home in 2024. So I got to the apartment complex and immediately there are some red flags. Firstly it was on a giant ass hill, genuinely a mile long hill ironically named Straight Street when that homie was angular as hell. The actual parking lot of the property was ALSO a hill, a poorly paved one that I almost scraped the bottom of my car driving through. The property itself looked fine from the outside, but there were more red flags as I entered. The shared hallway was reeking of reggie and cigs, there was trash on the floor and the shared laundry facility had mold on one wall. Inside the actual studio unit I started by looking in the bathroom, where I immediately found a dead roach. I asked the property manager "have y'all had any bug issues here" and he lied, then got all flustered when I pointed out the roach. Then I lift the toilet lid... why was there another dead roach in the goddamn toilet water.

I left after that.

From there I decided to go on a long drive. I drove for 45 minutes around the city, parking every once in a while to answer texts and calm myself down. The city was pretty at least, with a gentle breeze and cool weather coming in as the day aged. I ended up in my childhood neighborhood and... I decided it was time to visit my family. I haven't seen anyone I'm related to other than my grandma for about six months until yesterday. I wanted to see my little brother more than anything else, but he didn't get off work until three so I decided to text the Aaron Bnuuy for a bit and start walking the neighborhood. I passed a park that me and my former best friend Sarah used to talk at for hours, and decided right in that moment to text her for the first time in two years. She answered and we're making plans already! We'll meet up sometime later this month for dinner and catching up. But I just wandered the streets, taking in sights and breathing the air.

Calming down. I went to the thrift store and bought nothing, then to Walmart to get myself an instant camera. The bnuuy doesn't know this yet but when I send them their christmas present I'll probably include a couple of polaroids of my cats, stuff I think is pretty around town and maybe a selfie too. I haven't taken the pictures yet, but it'll be nice to give them photos. After walmart I drove to my friend Dylans job and said hi, I also hadn't seen him for six months and... I sorta invited him to hang out that night. The way it worked out, I picked up Dylan, my little brother Cj, and his girlfriend too. We all ended up at my dads house where my older sister lives, and we drank apple cider and listened to Sleep Token, Ghost, Dido, Rufus Wainwrights Hallelujah cover and so much more until I had to leave. It was probably the best way I could've spent a very bad day otherwise.

Today has been a little worse than yesterday honestly. It's got all of the same hopelessness about politics, hopefulness but pain about my relationship, but none of the productivity. Work went well actually, all of my coworkers have actually been treating me a lot better these days ... but one coworker made a joke that really upset me. Luckily it's not someone I work with every day, but they joked about immigrants getting deported. The loml was literally born elsewhere, I do NOT play about that shit so I yelled at them and got myself in trouble by doing it.

There's surely a lot more thats gone on today, without a doubt there is but ... this is so much and I doubt anyone will take the time to read it all. I'm gonna get back in the habit of daily journaling after my workout sessions tomorrow.

Hey Tumblr. I hope everyone is having a really good holiday season <3 whatever you're celebrating, or if you don't celebrate, I hope that you're at least enjoying your breaks from school and work :) me? I'm doing okay these days, not the best but also not particularly bad either.

I haven't been having nightmares the past few days, so that's something to celebrate! I've recently rearranged my room, started burning incense before sleep, washed all of my sheets with the best smelling detergent I've ever used and gotten used to going to bed without passing out on my phone. I've been choosing when to sleep, which is very nice.

I have a few things I wanna talk about tonight, some of which are a little more on the depressive side, some of them are proud moments and all of them are reflective. Let's start with the depressive first and we can work through the happiness a bit more after that, though I think that each will be tinged with bits and pieces of the other.

Let's talk about the holidays first. This isn't a part of the year I'm typically very grateful for. I don't come from a very financially well off family, nor one that was particularly fond of holiday traditions, so this time of the year I have always defaulted to an honest form of jealousy. I'm pretty forthright about the fact that I envy other families who are close, who have a Christmas tree in the parlor and gifts under it's needles. I envy having people to buy presents for, and the money to buy gifts or the time to make them. I'm not angry about that jealousy, but I am slightly hurt by it every year when it comes to this time again and here I am still alone while others celebrate. I don't consider myself bitter about it at least, in fact I kinda use it as a bit of an aspiration for myself.

That brings me to the next thing I wanna talk about actually; this is the first holiday in a few years I'm not going to be with the person I love. Me and Aaron haven't gotten to spend an actual holiday season together together in person before, so it's not like... we're going from something jovial and festive to nothing at all, but it's still a loss. I remember waking up on Christmas morning before and sending them selfies, voice messages, telling them that I know neither of us celebrate this holiday in any severe way but that I'm glad to spend it with them. This year was actually supposed to be the first big one for us, they finally agreed to let me get them a present back in August and.. I spent at least a little bit of time every day between then and the breakup thinking of little things to include in the gift to make it special, to make it about us, to give them the first taste of what I want to give them in life and the joy we could share. Then the breakup happened and I wasn't sure if we'd even get that ever but... now that we're talking every day again I've long since decided to still send them this present, even if it hurts me quite a bit to know that it won't be received with the love and excitement I wanted originally. I've still added a lot of love to this present, though. It's got a lot of parts to it, most of them are surprises and ... none of them are particularly grand besides the pieces they already know about, but they are still so important to me. Right now while I write this my heart is aching for them, it's both a physical and emotional sensation. My chest is tight and aching ever so slightly while my eyebrows knit together and my teeth grind, I'm fiddling with my lip piercing in my mouth and chewing on my cheeks thinking about everything. Emotionally I'm feeling fragile right now, I'm feeling especially vulnerable these recent days and... pent up in a lot of ways. But I also know that they don't really get to celebrate Christmas in the big way that a lot of people do either, so I'm excited to give them a little taste of it even if I'm not there to celebrate with them :) I'm gonna wrap all of their presents and I hope they have so much fun opening them even if half of it won't be a surprise at all. There's a big part of me that's hoping that they will still see a lot of what we could be shine through this gift, that they'll understand the love I have and the effort I'm willing to go through even in times of pain, that I'd give them the world if they needed it. I don't think that's ever been in question, though. That's one of those parts of the relationship I know they never doubted was my effort. Ough... I also, gosh. I wish that... with New Years coming up? I wish that we were both thinking about kissing each other as this year turns over to the next. You can never know for certain, so maybe I can hold out hope that in the next week or so they decide it's my face they'd want to hold while the earth completes it's trek back to where it started. Now I'm really pining delusional, but at least I can acknowledge that it's probably not gonna happen so fast now.

I've asked them several things recently to gauge their comfort, but sometimes I still get afraid that I'm far too much. They said it's okay that I send them posts, that I post about them, that I talk about them on my instagram story, that I talk to our mutual friend about us, that I yearn and long so publicly... but I wonder sometimes if I'm hurting them when I do this. If they secretly detest that I love them still, that my forthrightness about my own emotions might come off as frightening. It's funny, but one of their oldest friends is one of my biggest supporters these days asdkjhlfasdkjf. I show them messages sometimes before I send them to ask if they think I'm being too much, I ask them for advice, we share our own thoughts and hopes. They're sometimes more hopeful about me n' Aaron working out than I am akshjldfasdf but they also remind me to stay cautious and patient too. I've tried to refrain from adding anything new to me and Aaron's routines lately. I have such an incredible itch to flirt more heavily, to send them messages telling them how deeply I love their creativity, how much they make me laugh, how gorgeous they are and so much more but... I refrain and keep it kinda lighthearted. I tell them I love them every day still because I do, and... because a part of me believes that every human being deserves to be told they're loved at least once a day. I don't know if anyone else feels that way, or if I'm just projecting my own wish that somebody would say they love me every day, but I've felt this for a long long time. I do love Aaron, in every way from how I love another human being I've never met simply for the beauty intrinsic to their humanity all the way to the deep intimacy I could only feel towards someone I've shared this much with. I also like to tell Aaron I'm proud of him at every chance I get, that he's doing the right thing, that it's okay that he's taking his time figuring out life not only in terms of our relationship but also with his future in every other facet. Haha I think in a lot of ways these journals end up being my outlet for all of the raw affection I can't give to Aaron anymore. I would always stop if they ask me, but for now I'm glad that they're okay with me writing about us in all of the places I do - from here, to my instagram stories, to messages between friends, to when I say those three little words that mean so much in our own conversations. Their comfort really does mean the world to me, so I genuinely hope I'm never violating it. I don't think that anything has really changed about us in the past month since our last serious conversation, but it's still important to ask that so here soon I'm planning to talk to Aaron and see if they're continuing to see me grow in a positive way, and ask whether their opinions on our feasibility have changed. If they haven't? That's okay!! I'll keep treating them with the love and kindness that they deserve :) I'm okay carrying on like this for a while I think, each day it becomes easier to show them the love that I feel while knowing that they aren't yet (if ever) at the point that they want to show it back. Maybe someday in months or years they'll feel it back... on that day I'll be happy, but not for the first time since I lost them. I smile every single day with or without their love, I just hope to smile brightly together someday.

Speaking of friends, I have two things to say! One, I am absolutely so grateful for the people I have around me who have continued to support me through this breakup. I've been shocked at the absolute outpouring of support from them. Almost everyone I've told about my situation believes that hey, I'm doin' the right thing. Maybe not always in the right ways as I've been told, but that as long as I'm respecting Aaron's boundaries while trying to show him who I am and what we could be, that it's an alright thing. Second, oh my gosh I am finally getting details about my next trip to Europe!! We're probably going to shoot for July for the combination of me being out of school, my friend Gabe being able to request leave during that time and Sammy being as free as always. The plan is still being worked out fully but it's looking like 10 days with at least 2 of them being dedicated to traveling abroad while abroad! Specifically we're thinking of traveling to Amsterdam or Zurich, either of which would be fantastic. I love that... I actually get to experience this sort of life. I'm the only person in my family to travel so young, the only person to fully support themselves like I have and be able to afford this kinda vacation. I'm beyond proud.

That is a good segue into the more positive stuff I wanted to talk about actually :) most of which is... hey, Park? You have a lot to be proud of this year, even if it's not ending how you've wanted it to end.

Let's really think about this for a second, alright? There's over a dozen accomplishments (maybe not, I like to exaggerate) that I've had this year that really deserve celebration!

I visited Germany for the first time, already getting the breadth of knowledge that leaving your home country offers is fabulous y'know??

I got my drivers license

AND I GOT MY CAR!

I continued a relationship into it's third year, making it my second longest ever and the longest I've ever dated someone with no fights or without getting cheated on. It may have ended, but it was the best relationship I've ever had

Got my credit score about 730 YEAAAA BABEEYYYY

Lost 35 lbs over the course of the year

Finished my Spring semester with honors and a GPA still at 4.0 as I left community college

Got accepted to and started at the University of my dreams

Got a promotion at work officially

Wrote a 22 page long creative writing piece (MY LONGEST EVER)

Made new friends and reconnected with old ones

Passed all of my classes at University with a B or higher EVEN DESPITE THE HORRIBLE MENTAL STATE IVE BEEN IN!!!!

Honestly? Just... continued living despite it all. I've survived so much hardship this year and done nothing but become a better person through it.

Let's really talk about that final point for a second... I've been through so much, yet despite it all here I am? I'm a significantly better person in every single aspect of my life than I was one year, two years, five years or ten years ago. I'm thriving and fighting, I'm working my ass off despite everything that would've previously kept me back. Listen... I know I talk a lot about depression, angst, longing and difficulties during these journals, but these are designed to be a purge of bad emotions. For 95% of any given day I am incredibly happy and working harder than I ever have been before. I hope that... if people read these, they don't judge me too harshly for the weakness I show here. I think I'll end this journal here :) I think you can tell that I'm doing better these days from the way I write alone. Goodnight Tumblr <3 if this is my last entry before Christmas, then merry Christmas to those who celebrate it and happy holidays to anyone else out there who might be celebrating literally any holiday or personal festivity at this time!!!

I can honestly say that I'll be going into 2025 loving myself, this life, the people I have in it, my future and my past more than I ever have.

Hi Tumbie <3 how are you today? Are you doing well? Are you hanging out, working on yourself, but still having fun in life? I hope you're having such a great time, seriously :3 anyone who reads this

Myself? I'm doing alright I think. For the most part I've hit emotional equilibrium these days, which is like ... fine I think? I wouldn't say I'm in a happy phase, but net neutral is a lot better than what I had before. My low's still happen, I still cry some days, but I'm never feeling as depressive as the early days of the breakup. My highs are actually a little bit less frequent than they were even post-breakup? I think it's because a lot of those days during the early to middle period of the breakup me and Aaron were having a lot of conversations where it felt very much like we might've started dating again quickly after that, so I would ride that high a bit delusionally for the day.

There's not a whole lot to talk about right now, but it's still important that I talk about what I do wanna get out so it doesn't fester methinks. So first I wanna get into some general life updates, then I wanna talk about my family, and then just... some more of the usual thoughts about Aaron, is that okay?!

Also, I haven't had very good relationships with my friends recently. Not that I'm falling out with any of them, but they've got other stuff going on. I think that a lot of them balked at me when they heard about the breakup, it was kinda a "oh not this again" reaction from a couple of them. Only my two closest friends have been fully receptive. I have made a couple of new friends lately! Or gotten some old ones back! I've gotten a lot closer with a mutual friend of me and Aaron's named Liv, we talk basically every day lately. Then there's Sarah and her boyfriend Aidan, both of which were great to meet up with and hang out with!! I also reached out to my old friend Hana who I had actually cut off forever ago because we had a kinda hot-cold almost dating thing before I met Aaron, BUT I obviously am super taken (even if I'm not technically dating them I really do consider myself off the table, I'm not interested in dating otherwise), and I actually saw that Hana is moving in with a boyfriend!!! So we caught up recently which was nice. We both kinda laughed about the way our friendship ended the last time, we had both been in relationships that went south then entered a strange friendship together and lost interest in hanging out because we fell for people aklsjdfh it's funny. But none of those friendships have been super like... active? We've had a few conversations and hung out here or there in Sarah & her bf's case but honestly no aspect of my social life is really feeling as fulfilling as I would like. I think that... in a lot of ways, I'm just ready to move on from a lot of the relationships I have at the moment? Not necessarily in a cutting them off sort of way, but in the like... I wouldn't mind being far from them for a while kinda way, I wouldn't mind leaving it all behind. I want to leave it all behind, actually, and that will be a returning theme of the journal today.

One piece of good news it that I officially passed my semester two days ago and became a junior in college. I'm entering the final stretch if you think about it, isn't that wild? I've been in school since summer of 2023 and in that time I've gone from nothing to a junior. I'm feeling very proud. I didn't maintain my 4.0 GPA into this first semester at an actual University and tbh I'm not even that mad about it. I got a B- in Archaeology, a B in Spanish, an A in Anthropology and an A+ in creative writing. That's still a damn good performance for someone who has literally been back and forth with suicidal ideations since late October, like I did a third of the semester under intense depressive episodes??? It's no small feat. But yeah now I'm on break and sooooo happy about it ugh.

I visited my family yesterday. It was mostly to hang out with my little brother and his girlfriend because they're both chill as hell and we're close enough in age that we understand everything the other's do. I was also there for two other reasons. My sister who moved to NY forever ago was in town and I decided it'd be okay to see her, and I wanted to see how my dad's recovering. We really didn't do much of anything while I was there lol it was so boring aklsjdhfasdf my brother his gf and I did go to a restaurant to get some food!! Then when we got back I was talking with my family about my plans and I mentioned that I'd probably be moving away in the next couple of years. Now, I wasn't expecting them to be like... dragging me away from the idea, but I was expecting either more questions about the idea or at least a bit of curiosity, but they almost universally responded with shrugs or a lack of reaction entirely. I don't particularly like my family, but it would still be nice if like... I mentioned wanting to move away for school 2,000 miles away elicited some kind of reaction. Really, their reaction just solidified my decision.

I really don't feel like I belong anywhere these days as depressive as that sounds to say. It's not bothering me that heavily, but it's like... a square peg and a round hole. I don't think this city, this state, this place is right for me. I don't fit in with most of these people, I'm not making any meaningful connections here and... I keep cutting one string at a time tying me to this place. I'm here because I love my best friend Sammy, I love my other closest friend Jordan, and I love my sister Kimmy, but... Sammy plans to leave eventually anyways, Jordan and I could always be friends no matter the distance and Kimmy usually has too much going on in the first place AND she has openly stated that she supports me leaving because she always wished she had. I'm feeling ready to go, but there's a huge problem.

I don't know where I'll go.

I'm in a moment of standby still. Aaron and I are still up in the air, and for me it will be until either they tell me they're moved on forever or we start dating again. That relationship is a MASSIVE factor in where I decide to move to. If we work out? I'm there in their city as soon as I possibly can be, it'd work out really well too. Before the breakup I had reached out to an account my job has there inquiring about jobs and they are always accepting people for positions there especially if they're transfers with management experience, so I could have a job in their city day one. I was looking at apartments and had some really good areas in mind too. And then there's schooling. I don't wanna dox their location so I won't say the University but theres a state University basically in their city (it's technically a town over but I have a car lmao) that offers the masters degree program that I want to pursue and I'm 100% confident I could get accepted there. Literally every aspect of it works out except for me and Aaron for now. WHICH IS DRIVING ME INSANNNEEEEE!!! I wish that they would be okay trying again, because I would be there so soon. I don't even feel comfortable visiting their city unless we're together, let alone applying for school nearby ToT I've had crazy ex's who have shown up at my house, I don't want to ever give Aaron even a glimpse of a feeling like that because it's frankly terrifying.

MANNNNNN this wasn't supposed to post like this, I was working on adding a bunch more and then my phone crashed!! I'll just edit it from here and then add the pictures I was gonna add on my phone.

I'm going to stop apologizing to myself for these delayed journal entries. I think I've just got to acknowledge that like... life isn't moving as quickly as it was when I started these. The emotions I was experiencing everyday that I was expressing through those earlier entries were rapidly evolving, complex, intense emotions that needed immediate expression or else they might've crippled me. Life isn't moving nearly as fast nowadays as it was at the end of October through the first half of November - I'm basically in emotional stasis.

Maybe emotional stasis isn't the best phrase! I am certainly feeling a variety of emotions, attitudes, and opinions every day. I'm still wearing many faces and using every voice I have. But most of my internal conflicts have been resolved; I know what I want, I understand where life's at and I know who I am. That doesn't mean that my problems are gone, but rather it means that I'm relatively confident that I'm doing the best that I can to solve my problems and answer these questions I have. I guess that even though I want my life to change from it's current spot, I'm not necessarily unhappy either. To quote the person at the heart of the biggest question in my life I'm doing okay "because we're fine". I won't pretend like the most painful wound isn't my relationship woes. Yeah. It's still shitty. But frankly there's not much else I can do at this exact moment other than continue what I have been doing since I met Aaron in the first place. Treat them with the love and kindness that they deserve, enjoy my time in their company, and seek the right admixture of his happiness and mine. I want him to be my boyfriend, my girlfriend, my partner, whatever they feel any particular day but... at this moment I have to settle for them being my very close friend. It hurts sometimes explicitly because it is fine, because I am seemingly on the precipice of something grander than my lot with them but... to be as nonchalant as I can be it's straight up whatever, I can't change it unless they want to change it.

I have answered a lot of questions about myself recently through reflection at least. I tried to gaslight myself into thinking I could be interested in other people if I tried to be, but after a conversation with a mutual friend of me n' Aaron's I realized just how untrue that is. I'm frankly not interested in other people. I don't need a relationship to be happy, and the void left in my heart isn't one that could be filled by anyone else. It's kinda fortunate not really being interested in any other romance, though. It means that there's less places to direct my energy, I can feel okay when I reject people and not have to worry that I might be missing out; it's only missing out if I wanna participate in the first place. So that's nice y'know? It's not that I need a relationship in general, it's that if I'm going to have anyone? I want it to be Aaron. They're the person I see as my other half, the person who balances my bad and I have the most fun directing my good towards. The person that I see myself happiest with and want to imagine a future together, with. I've also been reflecting on the way that I think about them as well and... I'll admit that at one point in our relationship, probably like eight? Ten months ago? I was almost obsessive (I was super lonely, man) but I wouldn't call myself anything close to that now. I text them a lot, and I get very excited to talk to them, but in those moments in which we're not talking I'm not dysfunctional like I was at one point. I don't need them to be omnipresent in my life in order for me to be happy, I just have the most fun when they're around. I think that's a healthier mentality than I've ever had about them, or frankly about any other relationship. I wish I had achieved this status a little bit earlier, though. I would've been a better partner to them had I not been so needy, and frankly it's something that I need to work hard on to prevent both now as their friend (ToT hate saying that) and in the future if we ever start dating again. I also think that it's good that I'm finding and acknowledging these flaws in my thought processes and emotions, I want to continue working on: patience (like being okay with them taking their time to reply to me & specific messages, making complex and important decisions, or finding time to spend together), confidence in myself/building a lack of need for encouragement, individuality and surely more too. I think that if we start ever again, our relationship needs to look more like how it does now than it did then. We need to have time apart every day, we need to have our private spaces online, we need to be able to exist separate and be casual about our relationship. That's one thing that I always lacked when we were together was the ability to be casual, I got too serious too fast too young and too earnestly.

We really are cool lately, though. I'm doing a lot better when it comes to being annoying, I think. I text them about almost everything happening in my life but like... I don't think that Aaron minds? They know that they're my best friend regardless of what's going on, and I never add that additional pressure of needing them to respond like I used to. We're still talking about most things happening in our lives, but frankly I don't think that either of us have the most going on right now so things are a bit drier than I would like! It's moments when we're dry like that I think I miss them the most, though, because what I would always want when we weren't texting as much due to having little to say would be to call and have fun together playing a game, watching shows, or even just doing parallel hobbies while being able to hear each other. That was always the most fun, just vibing out together super casually without an end goal in mind. There's some stuff that we're actually better at now than we were before haha. Like saying hi to each other's friends, being honest about feelings, giving each other space (really just me giving Aaron space lmaooo), and this might sound weird but I think I've been more comfortable showing Aaron parts of my body (think SFW y'all) that I wasn't really confident in showing before. We have fun talking and I know that because Aaron has no obligation to me, he's only texting me because he actually wants to, not because he's afraid of hurting my feelings with his absence. Or at least I hope that's the case.

We're doing good in most ways. I'm treating them better and myself, too. My desire to date them hasn't diminished even a little, though, and if anything I've only been dreaming more. There's a couple of opportunities I've been made aware of near where they live that I want to capitalize on, but I still feel like a weirdo thinking about moving to their city without being their partner. I know that they trust me and that they know I'm not some crazy ex who would be moving out there to stalk them, but I still feel like a freak for dreaming about places nearby. I want to apply to the University system in their state to pursue my masters degree, and the campus nearest to them is one of the options for a field school I was interested in. I want so badly to leave the place I live now, but it feels wrong that so many of my dreams have become wrapped up in a place that they occupy. Like what am I supposed to do if I end up living there? It feels super frustrating considering isolating myself from a place where my personal goals might be more achievable but I think I might have to, like the discomfort of potentially running into them when we aren't a couple is something I genuinely have to factor. I guess this is what happens when you date someone sometimes. You build these dreams and when the relationship ends, all of the sudden you have to reevaluate everything down to the foundation. Unfortunately I have reevaluated and it looks like many of the best options for my career and safety as a queen individual still push me in their direction. I have a lot of time to decide on whether or not to transfer schools, where to live during my career and what we'll look like in the future, though. I just have to be patient, y'know? It's funny, I wonder if I would've ever researched that school so much, learned so much about their city, realized how badly I yearn to live somewhere like that if I hadn't met them? Would I be forever content living in bum ass Ohio if they weren't the person I love most? I've always dreamed of moving away but... are they the reason it's that place that draws me in the most? Maybe in time as I continue reassessing myself and my future I'll find somewhere that interests me more, but maybe I won't?

There's been a lot of other stress in my life besides just the typical love life situation, though.

First of all it's been exam season at school, which unfortunately I've been probably the least prepared for I've been out of any exam season I've lived through. This year was a tough one, y'all, but I've kinda kicked ass at it despite my fears otherwise. I've gotten back three out of four of my classes final grades, and thus far it's looking nice. In Anthropology I got an A for my final grade, in creative writing I got an A as well. In Spanish I performed very poorly on the exam but I'm still finishing the class with a B as my final grade! Archaeology is the last course that hasn't updated my final grade, I hope the professor does soon!!! Rah!!!! I'm kinda nervous about that class because I could technically fail. If I get a 3/30 or below on the final exam I fail the course which like.. feels unlikely but it even being possible makes me nervous. I'm such a goody-two-shoes academically, I can't accept failure and I've never really experienced pure educational inadequacies. My final project for creative writing got some accolades from the professor. He said that he could tell that I was experiencing a lot of pain in this past month and that it certainly came forward in my writing, but that he also wishes I had taken somewhat of a different route with my story. I wrote about my relationship failing as part of the set-up for the story, and made the characterized version of myself's unwillingness to ask my former partner for help a major plot point. The professor was more interested in the backstory, I was more interested in the present conflict as a writer. I originally really wanted to share the story with Aaron but as it evolved it became increasingly a treatise to my feelings about the breakup and... I'm afraid that I already share so much about how it's made me feel with them. I think I might continue working on the story as well, and eventually I would like to share it but maybe not for a while <3 one of the biggest aspects of our relationship that I'm still mourning actively is that they were my trusted reader, they were my creative muse, they were the person I wanted to build a mythos with and... since we've been separated, I haven't been able to work on our story once without shedding tears. They are just as responsible for creating Opossum Creek as I am at this point, and... unfortunately without them I can't do it in good faith, I can't write that story without it breaking my heart.

There's been some other stuff happening in life that has been a mixture of terrifying and fun! I'll start with the scary. My dad had a massive stroke that put him in the hospital and had him unconscious for nine hours. There was some serious debate as to whether or not he'd wake up as the doctors weren't entirely sure why he was still unconscious, but eventually he woke up without medical assistance and resumed both normal brain and physical function. The doctors don't even know how that's possible, but he seems perfectly fine despite how terrifying the actual event was. It kinda convinced me even more of my current health track; he's lived an unhealthy life and I don't want to end up being only 55 having major strokes like him. I was very confused by my feelings during that time. I hate my father, he was a horrible parent and he's a bad man. I also wasn't ready to be fully parentless, though, and the stress of my dad having a stroke in addition to everything else in life was... a lot, honestly.

The good thing that happened was that I hung out with an old friend of mine again!! It's the second time we've met up in recent weeks, and it's fucking crazy how easy it's been to just get back in the flow of things. I had missed her a lot, for a while she was even closer to me than my best friend Sammy at the same time, so it's been a bit of a dream come true to see her again. Her boyfriend is also an amazing dude, and after her numerous very abusive past partners I couldn't be more grateful to see her happy.

I think I wanna make a post sometime soon talking about more of my dreams, especially the ones that are kinda in question since me and Aaron are kinda in question, too. There's a lot of my life that's in limbo while I wait to see if we're going to work out. I really... I wanted to move in the next year or so tbh, but realistically I can't do that until I have a clear image of whether or not me and Aaron will work out because that might decide where I live. I wanted to start figuring out my next steps academically and where to build a career, but that depends on where I move, which depends on those questions too. I'm an impatient person, though I am working on that impatience, so it's really bothersome playing this whole wait and see game.

I guess I wanna end this by saying that... I love them a lot, y'all. Even if the pain has mostly dulled, the affection never has, and unfortunately I know myself well enough to say that... I don't think it will. I do believe in soul mates, I do believe that everybody has their one, and I do think that they're mine and that.. despite everything, I am theirs too. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm wrong. But they're worth waiting to see, they're worth working on myself for, they're worth the time between now and what's next. I'm worth it too, I think.

Good morning Tumblr! There's really not a ton to talk about lately, so I've been kinda bad at these! Life feels like it's returned to a sort of slow march instead of the very rapid changes I was experiencing at the end of October/start of November.

There's a few things I wanna talk about today!!! I wanna recap what I've been up to in life lately first, and then I kinda wanna just let my thoughts enter a flow state at the end - this isn't too different from how I normally make these journals, but I think a preface is good! It gives me an idea of what I'm working towards.

So frankly life has been a little bit boring here lately. Work has been too easy, school has wrapped up for 2024 (yippee!!) and I've really just been taking these past few days to breathe and relax. They haven't been exactly as relaxing as I would like unfortunately. I've been too caught up in my own head these days doubting myself and my progress. But that can come later! In terms of actual activities lately, there's not been much to speak on! I've been watching through BNHA a lot lately, I haven't been caught up on that show in actually years. I don't think I like it as much nowadays as I did when I was a kid, but that makes sense :3 I was a kid with different tastes and interests. I've also been trying to learn more about OBS and editing software for the last few days, which has been kinda frustrating!!

I discovered that the format with which I record content isn't compatible with the editing software I downloaded yesterday unless I purchase the full version, which I'm not so sure if I want to do yet. I would like to hit a point where I'm recording full YouTube videos and uploading them regularly, but is it worth that investment as a total beginner? It might be eventually, but I run the risk of this becoming a very expensive hobby very fast. Anyways I've gotta search around and see what I can do; can I convert the video files into a different format that is compatible, can I find a different software that works for my purposes? Idk yet!

I got my work schedule adjusted for winter break and oh my gosh, I get two off days every week and I get out of work by four pm while still hitting full time hours. It's going to be amazing to an extent I think. I am somewhat worried about myself though! I know I don't do so well with free time while I'm already feeling depressive, so it might not actually wind up being too beneficial to me? That sounds so sad honestly, getting the free time I've wanted for so long and not even being able to really enjoy it once it's here. Maybe I'm being a bit pessimistic because these two off days haven't been the best for me?

I really haven't done much in these past three days since my last journal! I do think I've been treating myself badly, though, which gets into what I wanna talk about as the venting portion of this journal.

I'm not treating myself very well these days. By that I mean I'm not giving myself the patience and forgiveness that I deserve and... I'm not really letting myself heal in healthy ways. It's hard to acknowledge this, but I'm probably emotionally abusing myself with how I'm reacting to this relationship falling apart. I went through all of the stages of grief. I think that denial occurred before the breakup, actually. I could feel it stirring for a month or so before things actually ended and... I tried my hardest in that time to show Aaron that I was a good partner. I didn't know what was making them pull away from me like I know now, but I tried to be an overachiever partner... I tried to fix the subliminal issues that I knew were annoying them but it was obviously too little, too late, and not even something that could've fixed us in the first place. Anger happened when I blocked them, when I stepped away from their life and told them that I couldn't be present as anything unless it was what I wanted. I let myself be immature in that moment and... I really regret the way I behaved in that moment. Really I should've acted entirely different that day, what I should have done is gone home and told them that we need to have a longer conversation about this instead of just... letting it all fall apart that fast. We might not have had a different outcome - I don't think that there are words that I can say to Aaron to convince them to try again whether it was then or now - but I would've liked to have handled it better on my end. Anger ended the fastest of all of the phases, three days later I was unblocking them everywhere.

Bargaining has been the hardest part of this. I've spent the entire last month bargaining... working my ass off to show them who I am, what I could be for them, and why I'm worth dating. The shitty thing is? I think I have shown them that I'd be an amazing partner... I think I've shown them that I am not the type of person to give up, that I don't want to give up on them or us. I have proven that I'm loyal, that I care about them, that I would be willing to make any sacrifice for a life together. The issue is that I can be as pretty, intelligent, hard working, loyal, dedicated, fun and compatible for them as I want but... if they don't want to risk a second chance, there's nothing I can do to change that. This all seemed to culminate with that big conversation we had almost two weeks back. We talked all night about us... about what is keeping Aaron back from trying again still, about the idea of moving on and also about how I'm going to keep showing them that I would be a good partner. The conversation ended in much of the same way that our other big talks have ended, with them saying not now but not never, and me saying that I'm ready for them always. As much as that conversation really was a positive one, I do think that it's at the base of where I'm at now.

I know that the actual stages of grief aren't meant to be used so literally. No one cycles perfectly through those five stages, and I know that I haven't been experiencing them exactly as defined either. But I do think that I've entered a big depressive phase myself, the only question really being whether or not true acceptance is even something I can achieve at the end of this.

I want to talk more about my thoughts about me and Aaron at some point soon, but I haven't really been able to formulate anything cohesive? It weirdly feels like we're in another strange moment of waiting, like we need to have another conversation sometime soon and... I feel like I need to know more about what Aaron is feeling about us, but I also don't want to bug him about it. I wish I was better at being patient and just.. seeing what can happen. I guess to a certain extent I am being better because I'm not harassing him for answers or asking how he feels about me every day? Anyways this journal feels barely coherent ugh. I am not very good at expressing my emotions these days unfortunately. The words are hard to find.

Wow, it's been too long since I did one of these. I've really missed it. There hasn't been a day in the past couple of weeks since I fell off regularly posting my journal entries that I haven't thought about posting more, there's just been almost too much on my mind to articulate my feelings. Also, honestly, I've been on a really bad low lately. I've been at a really bad low with my mental health and... even though the journal entries have been a type of self therapy for a long time, it's hard to write them when I'm at my lowest because I already barely have enough motivation to do things like the dishes let alone homework, proper communication, or smaller things like my journal entries. There's been a few things going on at once recently that are impacting my mental health. Firstly there's school. Oh my god. It's finals week and... I'm so tired. School got a lot harder after the breakup, I started doubting myself and my dreams and lost almost all motivation to work as hard as I once did. It's sorta funny really how uncertain I am about the future now, when only what... five weeks ago I was starting to plan to move? I was looking at grad schools near where my partner lived, I was asking about the transfer process at my job since we have an account in their city, I was checking out rent and estimating the cost and logistics of everything, I was preparing myself to say goodbye to everyone. I was ready, and unfortunately they both weren't ready but... they aren't ready for us at all. I didn't realize how much that uncertainty was really grating on me until recently, and how much I've really lost just beyond their daily affection. I've also lost that assured feeling, I've lost the security of a future well planned. That lack of certainty made me start to doubt other things, too. My chosen major especially. I chose archaeology because it was the profession with the best mixture of passion, financial success, mobility and requirements for me and them. I knew that I could take this career and feel love for the field while also having the opportunity to move around that other careers might not offer me. I also knew I could, and was prepared to, provide for them with this career. I was even planning on applying to a field school around their city - or within a hundred miles of it - for this next summer. All of that went out of the window and... I felt really lost lately, and it's been difficult to find the energy to even start searching again.

The biggest struggles lately have been finding the passion to continue doing good at school, figuring out if I still want the major I chose, understanding how best to continue growing alongside the person I love after a big conversation we had in which I was basically rejected but... still weirdly felt assured that we might work out too, conquer self doubt & recover from this bout of depression onset after that conversation. I've let my hygiene slip a bit, and the chores have piled up, but I'm in recovery mode now.

I've recovered a little bit from that feeling. From those feelings. I've decided that I'm going to stick with my chosen majors, Archaeology & Anthropology, because I feel passion for those careers beyond the benefit of knowing I could work near the person I love. Also, I am still considering those universities near where they live. I weirdly felt compelled to ask them if it'd still be okay for me to move near them someday even if we're not together... I've always dreamed of living in their part of the country and it's seemingly where both my career and education are going, even if I'm no longer sure if my love will ever be requited again. They said they didn't mind if I moved there, they even suggested that we could still meet one day but... the idea scares me. I don't want them to meet me for the first time in the state that seeing them, but not being theirs, would leave me in. I know I would break down and cry, and... while I know they've never minded my tears, I would mind showing them in that moment. I've decided that I'm still going to look into the schools out there for the program I want, and I'm going to do my best to apply to them after I graduate from my bachelors program and start the moving process after that. It's still a couple of years away so.. who knows? Maybe me and them might be at a spot where we can try again then, anyways.

This next paragraph is a little darker than normal

I have been struggling a lot with my emotions regarding the person I love lately. I'm feeling increasingly tired .. I love them so much, but I can't express that love how I want to. I've been crying a lot these days, I haven't been able to really stop since last week. It happens randomly and unlike how it used to, I don't think crying helps me anymore. It isn't the relief it once offered. There's a lot to say about it, there's a lot I don't want to admit but I've gotta get it out there I think. I've been kinda losing my desire to live these days. Maybe I'm not feeling like hurting myself, but I'm feeling more reckless and less like .. there's a future in this world for me. It's usually a brief feeling, but I do imagine my death a lot these past few days. What it would mean and what it wouldn't, too. I don't linger on the thought for long; it's not an option, especially not just because of this relationship. I'm sure that I won't always feel so impassive towards the idea of my own end, but these days I'm not sure if I'd step out of the way if a car jumped the curb. Unfortunately, I made some big promises to the person I love a long time ago. I promised them that I'll never die, but I also promised I'd never stop loving them too. Those two promises hurt in tandem. I promised to always stay in this world full of love for someone who might not ever want to love me again for reasons that I can't personally change. I'm not going to die, but gosh I'm so tired.

Our big talk was a big talk.

They always are, but this one was especially important.. it was more of the same; them sharing why we failed, why they aren't comfortable trying again and .. it hurt the same as always. I feel very hopeless about us sometimes, but I also feel hopeless about me being able to move on too. We talked about a lot of things. I shared with them that I'm ready, or at least that I think I am, and that I'm going to keep treating them as I always have. That I'm going to treat them with all the love, kindness, respect and patience I always afforded them as a partner even if they can't provide me the privileges of a partner in return. I wish that they would feel comfortable being mine again but .. I also don't blame them for their reasoning. I don't think that we need to let it hold us back, I think that we could start again right now and be fully open about things, but my opinion isn't enough and it never will be. I don't mind that, though. I want them to want me, I don't want them to force themselves to try but .. gosh I wish they wanted to so bad!!! I know I'm good for them, and I know we could work so well. So.. I feel frustrated being in this scenario where I simultaneously respect their wishes but also believe that... they're being too afraid, too stubborn about us </3 but at the end of the day it doesn't matter if I think that or not.

Our conversation was such a bizarre thing. We talked about everything... from our situation, to the future both if we become a couple again or if we don't, current crushes and former ones, what we believe is okay in a relationship and what isn't. I actually felt such a strange mixture of hope and frustration at one point because they expressed that they have a bit of a crush (though an unrealistic one) on a coworker of theirs that is... over ten years my senior with a kid, yet their primary issue with our relationship is that they believe we're in too different of stages of life to work out. I get it that.. a crush and a relationship are two very different things, but genuinely me and them are not that far apart in any metric. I feel frustrated because... I could be a great partner at my point in life for them in theirs and vice versa. I am also somewhat jealous, I can admit that. I wish that.. they looked at me and felt how they do when they look at them. I didn't really react that badly at the time though, and that jealous feeling isn't even that intense today - it's pretty mild. I think that crushes are even kinda natural to get while you're in love with someone else, they're mostly meaningless temporary attraction and only really matter if you act on them/break your partners trust. I wouldn't mind talking about silly crushes with them in the future as partners as crazy as that sounds asdfasdfasdf. During our talk I did ask them out officially.. I already knew that the answer was a no, but it was still important to me that I try again in that moment. They may have said no but... they also told me "maybe later", "maybe someday but no guarantees", and probably the most important thing that they said "the way I see it is that we're just going along and seeing what happens" after I mentioned that I want them to keep reconsidering me and that we shouldn't close this door forever.

Since this talk we've been getting along really well I think, but... I think I might be a little overbearing with my affection. I've told them that I'm going to keep treating them like I would a partner just minus a few things and... they haven't told me that it's not okay to do that. Truthfully? I don't even know how to treat them like just a friend. We've never really been just friends.. not for very long, and I don't feel like I can be a good friend while I want them in these ways. I like to send them cute couple posts still and... flirty stuff too. I like to ask them "can this be us?" and show them places I would love to travel together. I love to fantasize and.. show them that they are still an active part of my dreamscape and future thought. I hope it's not strange for them... but I want to show them my love still.

I miss them a lot these days... I miss their smile, and hearing them laugh. I used to make them laugh so much... I dont think I can do it so much without us calling. I'm crying typing this right now haha. I was so much stronger not too long ago.. now I don't really know if I'm living or dead or something inbetween. I don't knbow what to do with all this love I have for them, and I don;'t know if it even matters if I feel this love anymore.

Wow, I cracked for a moment there. I came back to this after a while, I think I'm more okay now - I just needed to cry for a bit.

It's been tough since our talk, but I actually feel more hopeful about my chances now than I did before. Aaron had an opportunity to tell me ouright "NO FOREVER" but they never did.. they left the idea of us on the table and I think it's because they know I am a good partner. They've said - in kinda a reserved way I'll admit - that on paper I seem like a very good partner for them. I think that they do believe it, I don't think they'd say it openly to me because they know it'd give me a lot of false hope but... I know I can be very good to them and that I would be a great person to date again regardless of our past. But that's not for me to decide !!! It's up to the Bnuuy, not me.

I also had a conversation with one of our mutual friends... gosh it was so nice. I was having a really bad panic attack the other night and needed support, and that friend offered to talk to me because they care a lot about me. We talked for over three hours about everything and... gosh. It was one of the first times I have had someones full support. They told me that they believe fully that me and Aaron will work out because they saw the positivity I brought into Aarons life and the way that Aaron has always talked about me. I've never heard someone besides my former partner talk about our relationship from a spot of knowledge like that and ;w; it was very comforting having a friend who not only wants us to succeed but thinks that we can and should. We also talked about how we're both delusional people though, and that friend warned me that just because we both think that me & aaron ARE a good couple it doesn't mean we'll automaticallyt get back together or something. Either way... I was afraid that because this friend was Aaron's only at first that I wasn't allowed to be their friend now still, but I was mistaken. Thankfully.

Wow, what an emotionally trying couple of days. This has been a weird couple of days for me, so this post will probably be pretty heavily skewed in the venting direction after I run down what my day was like yesterday! Also oh my gosh I hope I'm more consistent about these soon, I'm STRUGGLING with using my time wisely since I got my computer. I haven't had a chance to just fuck around and do dumb stuff for a while, so I've been basking in the opportunity to play video games and watch stuff :3 yesterday I didn't have work or school for obvious reasons, it was thanksgiving!

I gotta clarify that I feel nothing but moral reprehension towards the typical concept of thanksgiving, but I do believe that even though the actual holiday is kinda wack that we should have an autumn harvest holiday regardless so... I try to think of it less as the pilgrims hell yea holiday and more like a medieval peasant celebrating another good harvest aksjdhfaksjdf chat does that even make sense?

Anyways! Since I already had my "thanksgiving" proper celebration with my family, yesterday I was invited over to my friend Jordan's house for thanksgiving instead! It's nice that I have a couple of friends I'm close enough with that they invite me to family events, it makes me feel a lot less lonely than I might otherwise. Honestly I wish that it was easier for me to spend time with my friends lately! I really need their support during this time, but everyone (including me) is always too busy. ANYWAYS that's not the point!! It was just very very very good to see my friend. Our dinner was simple and our hangout was super casual as well :3 we had turkey, mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese, sweet potatoes, rolls, and some pumpkin cheese cake afterwards!!! I'm glad that eating shitty is outta the way now ough I gotta get back in the gym tomorrow after work and burn off all this high calorie food I've had lately. I'm proud of the self control I have now though, I used to not really care about portion sizes but I've discovered that I can eat much less and still be plenty full at the end of the night. I didn't even realize I was overeating for a long time. ANYWAYS THATS NOT THE POINT!! The food was all very good. Here we go, another tierlist

The pumpkin pie is in the place of the pumpkin cheesecake!

Anyways besides dinner it was a really chill evening. It was a little boring honestly, but it was nice to get out of the house and talk about random stuff! Our conversations were kinda simple. We talked a lot about family history and I helped my friend better understand what his ancestry means. We talked a lot about history and immigration during that conversation.

Another thing was that The Bnuuy, my former partner and the person I'm actively trying to convince that we should date again, asked me to make sure I said hi to him. It's always a lil heartbreaking saying hi to my friends for them, but I still love doing it. I'm really happy that... even despite the fact that we aren't still dating, they still wanna say hi to my friends and family. Obviously everyone knows that I'm still talking to the Bnuuy - they all know that we're not together and that I'm actively trying to show them that I would be worth a second chance, but regardless of how much they know I'm always afraid that... they'll think I'm being foolhardy for not just giving up and moving on. Anyways, the bnuuy asked me to say hi to Jordan so I did. I was kinda expecting a bad reaction from Jordan asdfasdf he can be a bit like an older brother at times, brutal honesty and all. But... instead he was actually incredibly sweet about this. He said hi back to them and also said some really bitter sweet stuff ugh. He told me that... he knows I might be getting hurt right now in this situation, which I am, but that he also thinks that I'm doing what's right for me. He can tell that I'm very much in love with this person in a genuine way, that I want to give them the best and that I'm allowing the desire to fix things with them to motivate me to become the best version of myself he's seen. He also told me that the idea of me ending up with my partner again makes him somewhat sad because he knows I'd move away, but I reminded him that I was planning to leave eventually no matter what and that it'd just be a new chapter in life not an ending to old ones. I really appreciate my friends lately.. they've all been so supportive of me. A lot of my friends were here for my last breakup too, and all of them have said that... this one is nothing like the last one. This time they can all tell I'm actually in love and wanting to try, whereas last time I wasn't in love I just... didn't want to be alone. I think I'm okay being alone for now partner wise, I just... know what I want in the end.

OH MY GOD I GIVE UP ON DOCUMENTING THE DAYS I HAVE MISSED FOR MY JOURNAL I STG I have fallen so far behind on this it's crazy!! I've just been so tired to be honest, it was a really busy week and I'm entering the final stretch of school for the year ough. It's exhausting!! Sometimes I forget that what I'm doing is in fact more than what most people can - or should - do. I work 40 hours a week in a warehousing job as the second highest person in my department, attend school full time with four classes and 15 credit hours, maintain friendships, go to the gym for 6-7 hours a week, cook at home, keep my house tidy. It's a lot, really. I guess I'm proud of my capabilities but maynnNNNnNnNN I AM SO TIRED I JUST WANNA SLEEP!!!!!

I would like to talk about e neighbor of mine. They just reminded me of their existence through their sole habit that I'm aware of. Across the way from my house, visible directly through the window behind my computer, is the parking garage of a large high end apartment complex. Every day this neighbor that I presume lives in said apartment complex arrives home around nine o' clock pm, parks their red Toyota corolla and then presses the door lock button on their key fob at least eight times. They then walk away towards the elevator that surely leads into the complex, but along the way they again stop and press the key at least six or seven more times to elicit another series of honks from their car. I always know when they arrive because of their honking car! I don't really mind it. I feel like firstly it must be both a habit of paranoia, or maybe an impulse that's difficult to control, and secondly it's oddly comforting knowing that a stranger is still alive and continuing their routine. I love observing the routines of the world.

Anyways!! I wanted to actually journal about what in the heck I've been up to lately. I swear I'm gonna get back in the habit of doing these more often now that life is settling back down again.

So Saturday the 23rd I actually had my families thanksgiving celebration! I'm gonna be honest this is literally the first one I've gone to since I was twelve and they became optional lol. This year I only decided to go because my little brother, his girlfriend, my niece that I haven't seen in eight months and my older sister I'm trying to make amends with (she should really be the one apologizing to me imo but whatever I guess) were all gonna be there. The people I was less interested in seeing were my dad, his girlfriend, my other younger brother and his wife. So it was sorta fifty-fifty worth it versus not. But I decided to give it a chance, and I think I had fun! I still went to work beforehand so there was that, but tbh the shift was very easy. There was almost nothing to do besides a quick round of stock in the morning, some deep cleaning and me making the plan for the night shift workers who would come in around when I was leaving. After work I headed home and grabbed the food I'd cooked the night before! I made a big dutch oven full of garlic mashed potatoes and some homemade cranberry sauce :3 I love my cranberry sauce recipe so here it is! I make mine really tart so feel free to up the sugar:

Sprout's (cranberry) sauce!

Ingredients: 16 oz's raw cranberries (washed and dried), 1 large navel orange, 1 cup of sugar, cinnamon and nutmeg to taste but always less than half as much nutmeg as cinnamon, a pinch of salt!

Step 1: pour washed and dried cranberries into a sauce pot and immediately add the cup of sugar. Stir periodically to prevent burning

Step 2: while the cranberries and sugar start to come to temperature add in the zest of half the orange, the juice of the full orange, and your seasonings

Step 3: cook on medium heat until all berries have popped and sauce has thickened, pour into a heat safe container to cool (CLEAN YOUR SAUCE POT AS SOON AS POSSIBLE THIS STUFF TURNS TO CONCRETE AS IT COOLS)

Add more zest on top before serving! :3 but this is just for aesthetics.

Anyways so I drove over there after I grabbed my food and immediately got to helping in the kitchen! I ended up helping to make the turkey, which turned out fantastic :3 I am good at cooking methinks. Dinner was ready a couple hours after I arrived! We had so many dishes... lemme give y'all a tierlist hold on.

This isn't my opinion of the dishes as concepts, just how the ones at the actual dinner turned out. Sadly I gotta rank that mac and cheese so low :( they used fuckin big ass rigatoni noodles for some godforsaken reason, didn't bake the mac and only used velveeta </3 heartbreaking truly. My sister made these homemade rolls and sweet potato casserole that went crazzyy though... also I'm biased as hell my foods both went straight to the top of the list. They also had ham there but I don't wanna eat pork, it's kinda yucky imo, and I am a certified green bean casserole hater. But after dinner we got some board games out and just chilled while having drinks :3 I won a game of settlers of catan because I am the main character (I got lucky)

Forreal after that not a bunch happened! I think I upset my sister :< I was getting my hair braided by my brothers gf (the brother I like's gf) and my sister walked in and I said "go away we're having girl time" because it was me and both of my brothers gf's in there talking about hair and makeup alksdjfasdf but I sometimes forget that my sister is trans and she takes feelings of exclusion like that very seriously :< I was making a joke but... it honestly wasn't a very sensitive one and I feel bad about it

tbh the very best part of the day was probably the Bnuuy sending me a sleepy selfie, they looked super cute and I had really missed seeing their face!! It was really nice and kinda put me in a good mood for the whole day I'm ngl.

Yesterday, the 24th, was a really simple day! Work was easy as all hell, I didn't really do anything there besides what I was supposed to and play basketball asDKFASDF I have gotten weirdly good at basketball since we installed a hoop in the warehouse, I win a decent amount of the time and I'm only getting better as I work out more. After work I went to the GYM AND YOU KNOW WHAT I DID??? I HIT A TEN MINUTE MILE AND I KEPT THAT SHIT UP FOR THE FULL HOUR!! I ran six miles an hour for one hour straight, I felt like a fucking olympian I'm ngl. That stuff was HARD UGH. I got a lil sad feeling after I got home, though. I was thinking about the bnuuy a lot. I was thinking about how tomorrow (today) is our monthiverssary that we almost always would celebrate. The number 25 always reminds me of them now, and the number 12, and the number 9. It's funny how little numbers like that become sacred, they become a part of a persons image to you. Anyways I was feeling sad so to mitigate that feeling I decided to go online and ask the sleep token mutuals I have on twitter to send me pet pics and oh my gosh did they ever!!!! Like 100 different people either dm'd or replied to my post with pet pictures ToT it was such a sweet thing, I felt really taken care of. I felt loved. I keep looking at all their cute lil pets today ugfh. Besides that I didn't have much else go on :3 I felt better after a lil bit and stopped my yearning as best as I could and then actually slept pretty early!!!

For once, I don't wanna type a big segment about the bnuy. They're super duper on my mind don't get me wrong, but I'm feeling tired and don't particularly wanna go through that feeling right now askjdnhfasdf I don't need to get the emotions out at this precise junction so I think I'll just hold them <33 anyways I love them a lot, I love them so so so so so so so so so so so much and they're my favorite person to ever exist. There we go, bvnuuyventing out of the way. #yearnposting amirite