#sprm

It was all the office was talking about. Candice had just retired from her position as regional manager of the West, and the position was now open for the taking. Nothing had been confirmed by the company yet, but it was highly rumored that the new regional manager was going to be chosen from one of the current branch managers. The new manager was going to be announced at the end of the week. Even still, the nervous energy radiated through the office as workers put the extra ounce of effort in securing clients or laughing a little too hard when the CEO, Steve, told a joke at the weekly staff meetings.

But while the world hustled and bustled in the Toronto Business and Management Company, you and Shawn acted as if completely oblivious to what was going on. Just like the day you two started, Shawn’s and your desks faced one another and were pushed together. Over the years, that space had become your own little sanctuary. It had also been the space for endless post-it love letters, silly faces when either of you were on a call, and loving glances while the other was completely caught up in their work. This week, the six feet of space you and Shawn shared created a bubble that protected the both of you from all the hectic activity that was spreading throughout the office.

You were shocked by Shawn's indifference when the news came about in regards that this position was open. You’ll never forget the way he lit up when he first told you that all he’s ever wanted was to manage his own region. He had done an excellent job managing the Toronto branch. That was no surprise. It was easy to love him, and the people who reported to him felt the same way towards him as you did. Well maybe not exactly not the same way. Either way, as much as he loved it, you saw that he yearned for more. This position was what he was looking for. The opportunity was literally sitting in front of him, and it was as if he didn’t have a care in the world for it. But since your discussion last week, he was able to clear the air.

*1 week prior*

That week, nights were spent at his place. For the past few months you two alternated whose place you went to after the work day was over. Each of you had drawers designated at the other’s place, had cosmetics that stayed in each other’s showers, and designated snacks in each other’s pantries. You guys were basically living together, and both of you knew it. You were both incredibly happy to spend twenty four seven together, there was no denying that. But finding a place and officially moving in together? Not so much. It was a topic you both danced around quite often, but it still remained unanswered. You couldn’t help but feel a little stuck, and a little nervous for your future together. You both loved each other, but what if that wasn’t enough? You tried to not let it bother you too much.

You two had just finished dinner and were just laying content in each other’s arms. It had been a particularly exhausting day, as evidenced by the savagely eaten plates of food that remained on the table and your heels sporadically kicked off by the front door. You both remained in your work clothes, Shawn with the sleeves of his white button up rolled up as you cuddled into his side as your legs were kicked onto his thighs. He stroked up on your arm as you two pretended to pay attention to the TV on in front of you.

You couldn’t handle it anymore. “You know they are most likely picking one of the branch managers to be the new regional manager right?” You blurted out but still in a gentle manner.

“Yeah, I know.” Shawn simply hummed in response as he was starting to doze off.

“That’s all you have to say?” You continued, growing confused.

“Is there more to be said?” Shawn said, matching your confusion.

“Unless someone has taken my boyfriend away from me and replaced him with an insanely good lookalike, hasn’t this been your dream since like ever? Look, I get it plans for the future can change on a dime, and it’s not like I would think any less of you if they did, but the way you’ve talked about this, I thought you would have at least some type of reaction to the news,” you rattled off.

“Woah, woah, woah. I didn’t mean for you to get the impression that I changed my whole life plan and decided not to tell you. I should’ve talked to you about it the day the news came out. That’s still the plan. That’s always going to be the plan. It’s just that I’ve only been there for two years. There’s no way it’s going to be me, and I don’t really want to get my hopes up just for the inevitable disappointment if that makes sense?” Shawn explained.

“Oh,” you started. “That makes sense. I totally overreacted and kinda freaked out on you right then. I’m sorry. I just want the best for you bub,” you apologized, slightly ashamed at yourself for making such an aggressive assumption. “And for what it’s worth, I think you are still definitely a worthy candidate for this position.”

“Baby trust me, I don’t see it like that at all. It means the world to me that you support me and my goals as much as you do.” Shawn quickly assured you. “But I’m perfectly content right now with spending every day sitting across from the love of my life and throwing paper clips at you while you send out emails. Our time will come.” He said, with a slightly mischievous grin on his face.

“Really?” You said, heart instantly melting at his words. You did not ignore the fact he said “our” either.

“Really.” He promised. “Besides, in the meantime I can focus on..other things” he said, cocking an eyebrow towards you.

“What other things you’ve got in mind, Mendes?” You responded, feeding into his playful energy.

“I think it’s easier if I just show you,” he explained, leaning in to kiss your neck.

And he spent the rest of the night doing just that.

*Present day*

“If I make this into the recycling bin, you are doing dishes tonight,” Shawn challenged while crumpling his paper into a ball.

“In your dreams, copier boy.” You said, eyes locked on your computer screen. You were rechecking your numbers on the expense report before printing it out to give to your supervisor. As per usual, your calculations were perfect.

“Heeeyy, I thought we were past that!” Shawn whined at the nickname you branded him with on the day you two first met. Despite the pouting, Shawn would be devastated if you ever stopped calling him that.

“You might be past that,” you started. “But I most certainly am not!”

“Get all your laughter out now,” he playfully threatened. “Let’s see who’s laughing when you’re doing dishes tonight. Don’t forget that my aim is pretty spot on at this point. I almost never miss your forehead whenever I throw paper clips at you!”

“Enough talking, hot shot. Let’s see if you can put your money where your mouth is.”

“Hot, huh?” Shawn said, earning an eye roll from you.

After his remark, Shawn looked you dead in the eye as he launched the ball into the air. You spun your chair around as Shawn peered over your shoulder in order to see the outcome. Shawn let out the world’s most exasperated sigh as the paper ball landed about two inches in front of the blue recycling bin.

“I call a redo!” Shawn exclaimed immediately. “Due to an obvious draft coming from the air conditioner.”

“Excuses, excuses.” You responded. “Aw, baby, don't look so sad. I just bought a new bottle of dish soap!” You continued, unable to hold back your giggles.

“You are really lucky you’re cute, numbers girl,” Shawn sighed as he went to go and pick up the paper ball that remained on the floor.

“I got it, I got it,” you stopped him before he got up completely. “I need to go make some copies of this expense report anyways. The least I can do is let you rest up for tonight!”

You felt a paperclip hit you on the shoulder as you walked away.

You were in the middle of refilling the copier with paper when you heard Steve’s voice.

“Shawn, can you come see me in my office?” He asked.

There was no response from Shawn, but by the time you turned back around to assess the situation, all you saw was Shawn from behind, following Steve back towards his office.  

God, how does he make those slacks look that good?  

Despite your confusion, that was the overwhelming thought in your mind. He may have lost the paper throwing bet, but he had won over your heart forever.

By the time you made it back to your seat, your mind started to race. Without Shawn across from to talk you down, your thoughts were all over the place.

What could he possibly want with Shawn?

Last Shawn mentioned to you, the branch was doing better than it had in years. So you were positive it had nothing to do with his performance. When it came to the rules, you were as straight of an arrow as they came. You wouldn’t let Shawn do anything unethical, even if he wanted to. There was no one who loved his job as much as Shawn did, there was no way he was getting in trouble.

Maybe he’s getting the promotion!

This could be it! You weren’t really thinking about the details of it, mostly just fantasizing about all the ways you two would celebrate. But, when you looked up at the clock and saw that twenty minutes passed that idea, unfortunately, became less likely to you. If he got the job, the conversation would be finished in five minutes. Shawn would immediately say yes, come out, pick you up, spin you around, and then there would be a separate meeting to discuss all his new duties. Shawn wouldn’t be able to contain himself in the room for this long if he got it.

   What if Shawn was getting fired right now?

   Despite your certainty that there had been no wrongdoing on his behalf, you don’t know what could be keeping him in that office for over what had now been thirty minutes at this point. You couldn’t bear to imagine the sight of him when he returned to the desk if this were the case. He wouldn’t be crying, he has too much respect for the job. But you would know. His honey eyes, usually full of excitement, would be drained of all life. The heartwarming smile that was almost always plastered onto his face would be pressed into a straight line. You prayed this wasn’t the case. He was the literal light of your life, and he didn’t deserve to be anything less than happy.

   What would you do if Shawn got fired?

   You hate this was your route of thinking, but you had to prepare for the worst. You would obviously comfort him in any way he needed you to. Endless cuddles, countless kisses, a never ending back massage. But what about after? Would you stay? The fact that the idea of Shawn leaving left you considering leaving your solid position at one of the most prestigious companies in the country sent endless butterflies through your stomach.

 “You know I can hear you bouncing your heel on the ground all the way from Steve’s office,” the voice of the love of your life brought you out of your trance.

  You looked up, and for the first time since you’ve met Shawn you weren’t able to decipher the emotions on his face. It wasn’t the “I got fired” look though, so you let out a huge sigh of relief.

   However, the look on his face was unlike anything you had seen before. He looked exhausted, like he had just run an entire marathon in that office. But at the same time, he looked proud, like he had just found the missing piece to a puzzle.

   “You want to tell me why you spent almost forty five minutes in Steve’s office?” You blurted out.

   “You missed me that much, huh, numbers girl?”

   “Shawn, I’m serious. You looked like someone just turned your whole world upside down.” You responded, urging him to get to the point.

   Gently and thoughtfully, Shawn walked over to your desk. He put one hand on your desk and the other on the back of your chair. He was mere inches from your face. If you weren’t already a mess from the uncertainty of this whole situation, his beauty would’ve got you to the same place.

   “He offered me the regional manager position.” He said simply as if he were describing the weather outside.

How it was possible to feel the highest intensity of opposite emotions you didn’t know. You were staring at each other in silence for not even ten seconds, yet it still felt like an eternity.

On one hand, you couldn’t be happier for him. Honestly. Shawn wanted nothing more than this and you knew it. Even if he never outwardly told you. He loved the people he worked with, his customers, and his position currently. But, you always knew he longed for more. Whether it would be the tab on his computer you accidentally saw titled “Toronto Business and Management Company: Business Projections 2030” or the times you saw him up in the middle of the night reading up on Business Insider’s “Top management strategies of the up and coming CEOs”, he would never be satisfied with where he was at the moment, always wanting to do more, not only for himself, but also for the company.

You had never seen someone so enamored in their work. To you, he was the definition of what it meant to be truly in love with your job. You never told him this, but it was one of the things you loved most about him. You knew he was destined for great things since the day you met him, so in one aspect you weren’t surprised he got the position. It was about time he got the recognition he deserved. This was genuinely the most excited you’ve been in your entire life, and it had nothing to do with you.

But you couldn’t escape the dread that was seeping into your whole being. The new position was based in Edmonton. Across the whole freaking country. You had lived your whole life in Toronto, and have such a strong sense of home here. To move away would be a big deal to say the least. You went to a college that was just under an hour away from home, and it took the whole first semester to get over the homesickness. Even though you would be willing, you really don’t think you could keep up with all the long distance. You two would constantly be on different schedules, making it nearly impossible to work on your relationship the way you wanted to. The strongest relationships with the most dedicated people have been taken down by long distance and that terrified you. Despite all the fear, just the thought of Shawn leaving made it feel like someone was going to take one of your limbs from you. There was no way you would be able to function without him. The last two years had been the best of your life, and although you might be too afraid to admit it, you didn’t think you would be able to go back to your life how it was before you laid eyes on the office Prince Charming who didn’t know how to work a copier.

“Congratulations baby, I’m so proud of you!” You said, mustering up as much enthusiasm as you could. He was still standing in front of you. You wanted to remember every detail of this moment. His wild curls. His cheek scar that drove you insane. The heat that practically radiated off of him almost always. You weren’t too sure how many moments like these you two had left.

“Thank you, Y/N. It means more coming from you than anyone else,” he started. “But we can talk more about it later tonight. I’m actually going to run to my apartment right now to get a few things together, and then I’ll head over to your place in time for dinner. I’m feeling Chinese tonight!”

Even though you felt like you were about to explode from your emotions, you had to make it seem like everything was fine. This was his moment, and you weren’t going to ruin it. “Don’t think I don’t see what you are doing, Mendes. You playing the whole ‘let’s do take out so I don’t have to do dishes’, isn’t as sly as you think. But I think I’ll let it slide. Just this once!” This banter you two had was always something you loved. Even on your worst days, just talking to him made any problem you had feel nonexistent.

That sent him into a fit of laughter which caused your heart to flutter at a million miles a minute.

“You’ve got me!” he said, holding his hands up in fake surrender. “I promise to make it up to you,” in a tone that made your face grow an intense shade of red. You would never be able to understand his effect on you.

Feeling accomplished with himself, Shawn gave you a quick peck on your cheek, stood up, gathered his things, delivered a simple “I love you”, and walked out the door.

Immediately you ached for his presence again. You saw the empty desk across from you as a sign for your and Shawn’s future. Any way you played it out in your head was not promising. At this point, you were just trying to figure out how much time you had left together. You really just couldn’t come to terms with the fact that you two weren’t going to make it.

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It was about 6:00 when you heard a knock on your door. Friday nights were staying in nights for you and Shawn, so all signs of your unexpectedly exhausting day were replaced with yoga pants and a large University of Toronto sweatshirt that you stole from Shawn during one of the nights you spent at his place.

Shawn had left around 3:00. You had lasted until about 4:00 until your supervisor had noticed that you looked sick and sent you home. She was right. You may not have had an illness, but the thoughts swarming in your head did make you want to throw up.

The time you spent alone in your apartment was somehow worse. You were so used to it being filled with Shawn. Everything about him. His melodic laugh, the way his curls would sprawl out of the pillow when he woke up first thing in the morning, how his scent forever lingered throughout the entire apartment.  A wave of sadness came over you as you realized that he is what made this place your home. It was becoming more real by the second that your home was moving across the country while you were staying put. It was agonizing, and it hadn’t even happened yet.

Despite your sorrow, you refused to let this ruin the night. Shawn had wanted this for far too long and worked way too hard for you to make this night about anything other than him. You knew Shawn wasn’t naive to the fact that you two would need to have a serious conversation in regards as to what was going to happen to your relationship. However, that was going to wait.

This was the biggest day of Shawn’s life, and you were going to let him enjoy it. You didn’t mind this. Celebrating Shawn was one of your favorite things to do, so in some ways this wouldn’t be too hard at all. If anything, you were excited about this part of Shawn’s promotion. As far as you were concerned, this called for extra loving on Shawn, and you were more than willing to deliver.

You concentrated on those feelings when you answered the door.

“There’s the new regional manager!” You greeted with the biggest smile you could muster.

   Immediately, his already rosy cheek got even redder. He smiled as he shook his head at you calling him by his new title. You took that response as disbelief at his new position, but deep down something was telling you that wasn’t the case. You didn’t give into that feeling though, ever since you found out Shawn got the position you hadn’t been to think straight. You were reading into something that wasn’t there in the first place.

   “And I’ve got Chinese food!” He exclaimed, proudly lifting his bag, printed with the classic yellow smiley face and the words have a nice day!

   You stepped aside to let him in. As he was setting food down on the counter, you noticed something different. Slung across his shoulder, was a gray duffel bag. You did a double-take to make sure you were seeing what you were.

Why on Earth did he have that bag with him?

You two had been living at each other’s places for so long that you had a set of clothes at each other’s places. Every now and then Shawn would bring over a new pair of shoes or a different tie, but never enough to warrant a duffel bag. Suddenly, it hit you.

That duffel bag is definitely big enough to fit all the clothes had left at his place.

You couldn’t stop your face from falling. In your eyes this was the beginning of the end for you two.

It was hard for you to keep focus during dinner. Shawn had always been the more talkative between the two of you, so it wasn’t uncommon for him to carry the conversation between you two. However, this time it was like everything was going in one ear and out the other. You were catching bits and pieces. Aaliyah had a hockey tournament coming up, he asked you to remind him to pick his dry cleaning tomorrow, he had to deliver his sales report on Monday to Steve. That was literally all you had retained in the past twenty minutes. You felt bad for ignoring him, you really did. But literally all of your energy went towards just keeping eye contact with him and a smile on our face. But, because he was Shawn, he was quickly seeing through it.

“What’s going on, numbers girl? Your eyebrows are all scrunched up like you made an adding mistake. But, you and I both know two things. One, the work day ended hours ago. Two, you never make an adding mistake.” He said, matter-of-factly.

“What are you talking about?” You question, trying to make your voice more perky. You had to convince him otherwise of your current state. But, Shawn knew something was wrong. Which meant he wasn’t going to stop until he got to the bottom of it.

“Y/N, please,” he started. “I literally got you your favorite food in the whole entire world. Orange chicken with extra sauce because without it, it’s ‘too bland’,” he said using air quotes for emphasis. “I swear sometimes I think you love that dish more than you love me.” This earned a blush of you, signaling to him that he wasn’t wrong. “And tonight, you won’t even touch it. Please tell me what’s going on, baby. I hate when I don’t know what’s going on with you. Especially when it makes you upset,” he said the last part quietly, as if he failed at his only job, making sure you were happy.

“Shawn, please don’t worry,” you quickly responded, angry at yourself for making the biggest night of his life about you. “Everything is okay, I promise!”

“But baby,” Shawn whined slightly. “I know that it isn’t. You can tell me anything, remember? I’m not going anywhere.”

Interesting choice of words.

You opened your mouth to calm his worries again before he cut you off.

“And don’t tell me something isn’t wrong,” he said firmly, yet still gentle. “I can feel it.”

“Feel it?” You asked, thoroughly confused.

“Yeah, you know. My sixth sense. I know everything that’s going on with you, even if I can’t see you,” he explained, as if it was common knowledge.

Despite the fact that his words literally warmed and crushed your heart, you still had to remain focused. “Okay Shawn. Something is going on. But it can wait. Truly. Can we please just table it until tomorrow?” You slightly begged, hoping to soothe his worries.

But that was a pretty impossible wish. “Y/N, why can’t we do it right now? There is literally nothing more important than how you are feeling-”

“Really?” you said, unable to hold back the floodgates. “What about the fact that today you were offered your dream job? I don’t know, that seems pretty freaking important to me! So excuse me for wanting to push my feelings aside so I can celebrate with you something that you’ve worked towards for basically your whole career!”

Shawn was confused by your outburst. “Your feelings should never be pushed aside, they come before everything. Even before this promotion, and whatever celebrations you had planned or wanted to have,” he explained simply.

“Shawn, can you please just trust me on this one?” You sighed. “There’s a time and place, and right now just isn’t it.”

“At least tell me why, and I’ll drop it.” He responded, giving you an out.

Easier said than done.

“Shawn, but the promotion is what’s making me upset.” You said, knowing there was no other way around it.

There was a look of surprise on Shawn’s face, but regardless, he immediately responded, “Okay, now you have to tell me.”

“Shawn,” you whined. “That wasn’t the deal.”

“Yeah, but that was before I realized this was about me,” he reasoned. “Y/N, I’m getting worried.”

You were making the problem worse. You were making him feel bad on his night.

“You’re really going to make me say, huh, copier boy?” You sighed, already knowing the answer.

“I’ve got all night,” Shawn responded. He meant it too.

   “I know that this promotion means we have to break up,” you said while looking down and poking your orange chicken with your chopstick. You said it so quietly that you barely heard it yourself. But the truth was admitting it out loud meant that it was real, and you didn’t want to believe it. “And I’m sorry I couldn’t contain myself to celebrate you tonight.”

Shawn’s face fell. Guilt was written all over him. His golden eyes immediately filled with concern as he sighed. “Y/N,” he had started, but you were quick to cut him off.

“I know, I should’ve been expecting this. I had known this was where you were headed long before we were dating. I also knew, just by being around you, that there was no doubt that you were going to get this position sooner rather than later. Now we are both going to get hurt. This was bound to happen to us, I’m sorry I was so naïve!” You finished with an exasperated groan.

“Y/N,” Shawn interrupted softly. “But I love you. And-”

“And I love you so much too. But do you know how hard it’s going to be for us to make this work?” You cut him off again. “You have to relocate to Edmonton for the position. That’s a four hour plane ride Shawn, and a three hour time difference. By the time I wake up, you’ll already have started your workday. Then by the time you could call me on your lunch break, my work day will have just started and I’ll be deep in my numbers. We’ll just never be on the same schedule. Obviously we are going to try and make it work, but it’s going to take so much just to be able to talk to each other on a daily basis. I know we can put in their effort, but I’m afraid our relationship won’t be able to grow, and eventually we’ll lose each other.” You said, emotions starting to get the better of you in that moment.

“But we won’t, if you would just-” Shawn tried but you had beat him to it once again.  

“Of course I’ve thought about moving to Edmonton with you,” you continued, answering what you assumed to be his question. “Honestly, I’m halfway there. I’ve made peace with my job. I would give it up for you, no questions asked. There are tons of accounting positions out there. I’d be fine,” you started confidently. “But I don’t know if I could leave Toronto. I mean college was a nightmare and that wasn’t even an hour away. I don’t know, it’s just that Toronto has been home for all my life, and my whole family is here. But then again, I consider you my own family and you, on your own have become my home. Maybe after a few years I could join you. I just can’t decide because I feel that whichever one I pick that I’ll literally die without the other.”

“Y/N,” Shawn said a little louder this time, but still maintaining his gentleness. “I love you so much, but please don’t cut me off again until I can get out everything I need to say,” he finished with a giggle.

“Deal, baby?” Shawn asked when he saw that he had your attention.

You gave him a slight nod in return.

“You don’t have to worry about anything. Your job, your home here, our relationship, nothing’s changing. I promise you that.” Taking in the confused look on your face to his statement, he continued. “Because I didn’t accept the job offer.”

“You WHAT?” You blurted abruptly before remembering the deal you made with Shawn approximately thirty seconds ago. “Sorry,” you added quickly, which earned a big laugh from Shawn.

“It’s alright, numbers girl. I’m done with what I needed to say,” he stated simply.

“So do you want to tell me exactly why you turned down your dream job?” you bluntly questioned.

“It wasn’t the right time for me, for us. It just isn’t in line with where we are headed right now. No job position is worth messing up what we have.” Shawn explained.

“Maybe this position!” you exclaimed, not able to believe what he was saying to you. “Shawn my supervisor told me what the full offer entailed. An apartment and a car for Edmonton. An insane salary, even compared to what you have now. Not to mention it’s the position you’ve wanted since you’ve started studying business! They are literally offering you everything-”

“They didn’t offer me you,” now it was Shawn’s turn to cut you off. “So, no. They didn’t offer me everything. They might as well have offered me nothing.”

It was in this moment that your heart froze. This wasn’t real. Your heart was so overcome with joy that you were rendered speechless.

Suddenly, Shawn got up from the dinner table.

“Wait!” you said, louder than expected. You thought you had lost him once today, and you never wanted to feel that again.

“It’s okay, baby.” He said, walking back towards you. You remained seated while he stood above you. Similar to earlier at the office, he got close to your face so that the two of you were sharing the same air. He brushed a stray piece of hair behind your ear, and then gave you a loving kiss on your forehead. “I’m not going anywhere. Not ever. At least not without you. I just have to go grab something real quick. Now go eat your orange chicken.”

   You’ll never know what you did to be able to run into the office prince charming who now always remembered the extra sauce on your chicken.

   Shawn returned with the duffel bag slung on his shoulder. He set it down on the chair he was sitting on earlier, and started to unzip it. Almost immediately all the feelings of doubt from earlier started to flood back.

   “Hey,” you said, getting Shawn’s attention. Your voice was more in control than earlier, as many of fears had been erased. “Are you sure about this? I can’t be the reason you don’t get to where you want to be.”

   “Let me show just how sure I am,” he said while placing a Men’s Warehouse shoebox on the table next to his dumplings.

   When he took the lid off you saw it filled with brightly colored folded pieces of paper. You were confused for a second until you recognized your script handwriting all over it. Those were the post-it letters you wrote to him over the years. At random, Shawn picked one out of the box and read it aloud.

   “I smile so much around you that my cheeks hurt,” he smiled himself, shaking his head in disbelief. “Your smile is one of my favorite things in the entire world. For some unknown, wonderful reason, I have the ability to make you smile. Whenever I do make you smile, it’s like I’ve won the lottery. I can’t get that if I’m in Edmonton.”

   “Yes you could,” you said, playing devil’s advocate. “Trust me. You could easily make me laugh over the phone.”

   “But then I couldn’t see your beautiful smile!” He countered.

   “Facetime!”

   “It’s not the same,” he whined, and you knew you had no further points to make.

   Happy with himself, Shawn picked up another post-it from the box and unfolded it.

   “I hope our story stays at these desks forever.” As he read your words, the biggest smile flashed across his face. “Now this one,” he started. “This one is it for me. I remember every single thing that led to me reading this note. It was the morning after we had spent the night at the office. That night we said we were falling in love with each other,” he said reliving that magical moment. “I remember getting home and seeing this neon yellow thing sticking out of my coat pocket. I was absolutely speechless when I had read it. But more importantly I realized something so earth shattering that in a way that still hasn’t allowed me to recover. Numbers girl, I realized my heart belonged to you all along. Even before I knew you. You were keeping it safe for me until that fateful day at the copier.”    

   “Shawn,” you said as you were being flooded with all the emotions from that night and right now.

   “That was also the night I made a promise,” he continued. “You wanted our story to stay at our desks forever, and I’d be damned if I didn’t spend the rest of my life trying to make sure that happened. I thought I knew what I wanted from life, where I wanted to go with my career, but meeting you, loving you, changed everything and I couldn’t be more grateful. You were worried, that if I didn’t accept this job, that something would be missing from life? Well I’ve got everything I’d ever need right here with you. Positions come and go, but you honey are my once in a lifetime. To be completely honest I think I made that promise way before the morning after. Probably the moment I first laid eyes on you.”

   You couldn’t contain yourself, this unbelievable confession of love ignited every fiber in your body. Without thinking or hesitation you hopped out of your chair, grabbed him by his rosy cheeks and kissed him with every ounce of love you could muster. He cradled you in his arms, and in that moment you felt safe and at home. It was gentle and passionate but at the same time desperate and needy. Today had to have been one of the scariest days for you. You thought you were going to lose Shawn. But in a single moment, with one, fantastic, gesture, all your fears disappeared in an instant. Although he made it clear that he wasn’t going anywhere, you kissed him like it would be your last time doing so.

   “I love you so much,” you said once you two came up for air. It was a simple gesture, but those words carried an incredible amount of meaning in that moment.

   “I love you too, Y/N. More than you could ever know.”

   You weren’t sure how long you two stood there holding each other. To be honest, you didn’t really care. You wanted to soak up every single detail from this moment. The way Shawn’s curls felt between your fingers, the way his golden eyes reflected the light that hung over your kitchen table, the way your heart was at peace but was still racing. People say you don’t recognize the biggest moments of your life when you are living them, but you knew that you’d be telling your future kids about how this was the moment that their parents knew they’d be together forever.

   After things calmed down for the night, there was just one more thing you had to ask.

   “If you rejected the offer, why were in his office for almost forty five minutes today?”

   Shawn laughed at you in an endearing way, “Always got to know all the details, huh love?”

   After earning a blush from you Shawn continued. “Well I basically rejected the offer immediately after it had been offered. I know I said last week that this position was always the plan, but it took the offer to make me realize the plan had been changed for quite some time now. There was really no question of whether or not I was going to take it. Steve was shocked to say the least,” Shawn giggled at this part. “And when he asked why, I was honest. I told him it was because I was not willing to leave you, and that I was firm on that stance. Thinking about it now, I would probably be a pretty bad regional manager if I didn’t have my numbers girl by my side or across from me. After hearing my reasoning, Steve made a call out to Edmonton. Literally within ten minutes he told me that there was a job lined up for you. We’d be in the same office, across from each other, just like we are now.”

   Suddenly you felt a pit in your stomach. You knew you were worried about moving away from Toronto, but the fact you would get to keep your exact position and do it with Shawn, made you think that after Shawn did all this for you, maybe you should at least try.

   “Easy there, tiger,” Shawn halted you, as if he saw all the gears spinning rapidly after hearing what he had said. “I told him that we were going to talk about it, but that it probably wasn’t going to happen. Look there’s no pressure at all, you can think about it if you want, and then if you decide to take it, we will do it together. But seeing the look on your face, I know you don’t want it. I didn’t even have to ask to know this would be the outcome.”

   You immediately broke eye contact with him. There he goes giving everything up for me again.

   “We’re good honey, I promise. This position just doesn’t fit, and there is nothing wrong with that.” Shawn said, trying to soothe your worries. “I would never want to take you away from home, I know how grounded you feel here. Your family is here, and although you’ve never told me this before, I know you want your family to grow up here as well.”

   “Our family,” you corrected, and Shawn’s eyes lit up.

   “Yes, love. Our family,” Shawn agreed. You two had never talked about your future like that before, but after this conversation it was clear that neither of you had doubts that you were both in it for the long haul. “Speaking of,” Shawn continued, while grabbing something else out of his duffel bag.

He set a manila file folder onto the table. He flipped open the top and you saw a packet, slightly crumpled from the amount of times Shawn must’ve flipped through it. You were in disbelief when you saw the Zillow listing in the top left corner of the page. He had been house hunting.

You were flipping through the house listings, there had to be a list of at least twenty in the pile. On each page, Shawn had made notes of his own. Could convert the spare bedroom into an office for Y/N. Located in a good school district. Y/N will love the ivy on the side of this house, she always picks houses with ivy when we watch House Hunters. Big backyard so Y/N and I could start a garden.

“A garden?” you giggled. “What about us screams green thumb?

“Well, nothing actually,” Shawn admitted. “But I think it would be so fun! You, looking all beautiful wearing a sun hat standing next to all the pretty flowers. Me, spraying you with a hose.”

“Seems about right to me,” you agreed, imagining in your head Shawn ambushing you with a hose and then you chasing him down to give him a big and wet hug. “You think about these things a lot?”

“Our future?” Shawn questioned. “Literally nonstop. Every new day with you is somehow more amazing and magical than the last so I can’t help but imagine what’s to come! I’m sure it’ll be better than my imagination comes up with. I mean it’s you after all.”

“I’m so excited to do life with you, copier boy. Like so excited.” You said, and then leaned across the table and gave him a sweet and simple peck on the lips. You two had thousands of kisses ahead of you, but you were going to soak up every single one.

   “But I must ask,” you asked after returning to your seat. “How did you do all this?”

   “One of the many perks of sitting across from you numbers girl is that you can’t see my computer screen unless you walk over to my side.” Shawn explained, “So I always have the Zillow tab open while I’m working. Anndd, whenever you get the ‘I’m lost in my numbers' face I do a little searching. Then I took all the best ones and turned them into a packet using the copier.”

   “You did? All on your own?” You responded, feigning shock. “We’ve sure come a long way since our first day, huh?”

   “We sure did, and I couldn’t be happier. I’ll never know what I deserved to find you in life, but I’m going to spend the rest of forever trying to make up for it.”

   So for the next few hours you two sat among the Chinese food, real estate listings, and post-it note love letters just talking, with a few kisses here and there. Reminiscing about the past, dreaming about the future, and literally everything in between. You never thought the office prince charming who blamed the paper tray for not being able to use the copier would be your soulmate, but you couldn’t be luckier. 

you turn around to look at him, hoping the darkness will conceal your glossy eyes. “hi,” you breathe out, pressure rising in your chest as you look over his shadowed face. those warm brown eyes, the scar on his cheek, the soft blush caused by the cool night air. he’s glowing, he always is, but his light is dimming. it hurts.

“it’s late, y/n. you didn’t have to wait for me,” he says, removing his jacket and hanging it up.

“i know, i wasn’t waiting. i mean, i was, but not for you,” you reply in a quiet voice, standing up from your seat at the piano. 

“what were you waiting for?”

you ignore his question. “dinner’s on the counter for you to heat up. i would’ve put it in the fridge when i made it but i wasn’t sure when you’d get home.”

“i’m sorry i’m so late, baby. i just got caught up at the studio, and we were writing and lost track of time-” he rambles, explaining his absence.

“it’s okay shawn, really. go eat. i’ll be awake if you need anything,” you urge, a sad smile painted across your face. he walks to the kitchen as you head toward your bedroom. you grab your last-minute items, your purse, passport. most of your belongings are already in the car - you’re not surprised if shawn’s noticed that the condo’s just a bit more empty - but you can’t be bothered if he has.

you walk into the kitchen, bag in hand. he sits at the table, playing with his food as he fiddles with his phone. you study him for a moment, for the last time. “i, uh, i should go,” you stutter out from your place in the doorway.

he looks up with wide eyes. “where?”

“away.” you close your eyes, a tear slipping out. you feel like your world is crashing down around you, leaving you alone and exhausted.

“y/n,” he stands up, approaching you slowly. you feel like glass, even though he isn’t touching you. fragile, but sharp in the softest way only heartbreak can cause.

“you were right. the other day, on the phone with connor. you’re better off without me. i’m sorry for holding you back.” you brush your fingers across his cheeks. holding him gently, you press a kiss to his lips.

you rest your forehead against him, eyes closed, breathing synced. you step back towards the front door. “i love you,” you say, looking him dead in the eye. he’s still, silent, the situation only settling in once it’s too late. the door opens and closes, you’re gone.

“i love you, too.”

the walk to the underground parking area seems to last forever as you try not to let the tears spill from your eyes. as soon as you sit down in your car, though, a sob cuts through the cool night air.

you cover your face with your hands, salty tears rushing down your cheek and into your shaking palms. you hide away in that position, not sure from whom - maybe yourself, for a few minutes, before sitting up to lean your head back against the seat.

“maybe he’ll finally be happy,” you whisper into the darkness.

he only wishes you were right.

***

that was five months ago, and shawn’s reality is just settling in. sure, you’ve rushed to move on, forget him, but you look happy. you are happy, and you’re sure shawn is too. it’s what he wanted, after all, how could he not be?

he’s not sure how he isn’t, either. but every time he hears your name, or sees your face on a mutual friend’s social media, it gets a little harder. those five months ago, that phone call with connor, the consequences, everything’s still so clear in his mind. it burns more than his tongue when he sips his coffee too soon or touches the flame as he lights candles around the condo. it burns more than anything, and as more time passes, he just wishes he had you to soothe the pain.

his album just came out, and while you haven’t listened to it, your friends have. you don’t mind the sound of his voice, or his name. you try not to dwell on him too much, and that’s easier said than done, but you broke up for him. so, you’re trying to move on for yourself. not to mention the fact that your boyfriend would riot if you even mentioned your ex’s name, and you’re not ready to fight with him, too.

macy’s playlist is on shuffle as the two of you drive through the southern ontario countryside. it’s a calm, safe space, hardly a care in the world as you laugh at your best friend from the passenger seat. that is, until a certain voice sounds from the speakers, his voice.

“what song is this?” you ask, the first few lyrics swirling in your brain.

“because i had you, it’s one of shawn’s new songs so if you want to skip it you can.” macy smiles apologetically, not wanting to upset you.

“no, no it’s okay.”

you just listen. to the lyrics, to the melody, there's something so familiar about it. the song, it’s so obvious, is about you, about that night five months ago. the time it’s taken for you to let go, to finally find a bit of peace.

it’s all fine, maybe you felt yourself tear up just a bit, until you hear those three chords. the three chords that had echoed in the void of your heart for weeks after you left. you weren’t upset with him for using the melody, it was so simple, he probably didn’t even remember it was yours. but the song, the story, your story, you just can’t help but wonder.

***

he remembers. he remembers all of it. the shakiness of your breath before you left, the melody you were playing to make it all go away. shawn knows he should’ve asked you if he could use it in his song, but he couldn’t face you. as much as he craves you, he just has to let go.

he hopes you don’t listen to the album, that you won’t notice that almost every song he’s written since that night and years before has been about you. that when you walked out that door, he’d both gained and lost the most beautiful muse. but if you do listen to it, you’ll know. you’ll know the story, and you’ll know he’s sorry.

you know, and it hurts so much more than you could’ve imagined. in the months since the breakup, his voice had never really bothered you, but when you could tell that you caused the pain he had written about, every single word hit you a little deeper. as soon as you walk into your empty apartment, you drop your bags and collapse on the sofa.

you feel cold, even as you snuggle deeper into the cushions and you feel yourself start to sweat. you swear you can hear someone moving around you, even though your roommate is out on a business trip all week. you’re dizzy, you’re sweating, your head’s pounding. your heart starts to race, your breathing quickens. “i can’t do this right now, i can’t fucking do this,” you choke out.

you rub your hands up and down your arms to ground yourself, shutting your eyes tightly. it’s not stopping you from working up into a panic, and it definitely doesn’t help when his words sound in your head. “you’re okay, baby. i’m here. it’s just me, it’s just shawn,” he’d say to comfort you. it did comfort you, or, it used to, but this time it just sent you farther away from your peace of mind.

“but i’m not okay, and you’re not here. it’s just me.”

***

you lie in bed awake, every little sound amplified in the darkness: the buzz from the air conditioning, the flapping of your curtains, the roar of the cars from the downtown street below. it’s like the sudden return of heartbreak broke the numbness you’ve been living in, bringing you back to the harsh reality of what you used to have.

you sit up in bed, then reach over drowsily to grab your phone. the screen lights up with a picture of you and some friends at the top of the empire state building a few years ago, you had been visiting shawn on tour and met up with them while you were there. you squint slightly as your eyes adjust to the sudden brightness, 2:39 am reads the clock when you can see properly. you open your phone to the home screen before selecting the spotify app. you sigh, then type in his name. “this is probably a really bad idea.”

shawn mendes it reads, the cover of his self-titled album shining brightly into your bedroom. his face split into three, flowers growing in the empty spaces. it’s much prettier than his other two album covers, much more artistic. he’d never really had an eye for design, so you can’t imagine it had been his idea.

you press play, the first track starting to sound out loud before you pause it to grab your earbuds. once you’re settled, you start the song again, and start to hurt, again.

every song, you can tell when it was written. in my blood, you’ve heard that one before. shawn said it was one of the most vulnerable pieces he’s ever written.

nervous, it’s what he used to be like around you told through a story; not quite the same, but it’s yours. it’s the adrenaline of a young relationship, the excitement of someone new.

lost in japan, he’d written just for fun - you remember him coming home from the studio so tired but so excited, it was a new sound, and it was the start of a new era.

where were you in the morning?, it’s a situation you’re sure he’s encountered numerous times since the end of your relationship. you hadn’t heard even a bit of it before.

like to be you, it’s the exact dynamic you two always had when you were in a fight; it’s perfect. “julia michaels!” he had said that evening when he walked in the door. “i can’t wait for you to hear this song, honey.” if only you had known.

fallin’ all in you, has you in tears almost immediately: the first verse encompasses what you had, the second verse what could’ve been. you had plans, the two of you, to have a few kids, grow old together. “trapped up on a tightrope, now we’re here,” shawn sings.

“where did we get lost?” you think as the song finishes. you used to be so sure that you’d last, and he was too. you wish you knew when he fell out of love, when that promise of forever became empty.

particular taste, it’s new; you hadn’t heard it until now. the girl, whoever she is, you just wish that you could be her, even for only a moment. to have him completely mesmerized, to be that kid in love.

why, you’re not sure why it hurts you the way it does - it doesn’t even line up with your relationship, but the feeling it awakens is all too familiar. it’s like your heart had heard it in another world, waiting for the day it would run through your mind like it had your blood. the feeling confuses you, but as the song comes to a close, you close your eyes to cry a bit, too.

because i had you, there it is, that song. it’s so stupid how it breaks your heart - you thought you had gotten it all for yourself, now. yet, the song rips it to shreds, tearing away at the memories you’ve tried so desperately to let go of. he did this to himself, you think, but you wonder if you hadn’t gone, maybe neither of you would be so broken.

queen, it’s new, too. with every song you haven’t heard before, jealousy burns a little hotter. you’re glad this “queen” isn’t you, but you wish that the songs that were about you weren’t so sad.

youth, it’s cute. a nice refresher from the love songs, but nothing worth dwelling on. the message is powerful, but you’re too distracted by the love songs and heartbreak anthems to pay much attention.

mutual, you remember hearing it before. it was always fun for shawn to play with fiction, test his storytelling abilities, so when this song came around, he was more than excited to put it out. it’s a bit more basic lyrically, but the melodies and aesthetic appeal to your tired ears.

perfectly wrong, it seems innocent at first, but as the song goes on, the lyrics start to set in. it’s the story of what you and shawn were before you left - he’d probably written it around the time of the breakup. you just wish he had said it to your face.

when you’re ready, it’s probably the most sickeningly cute song you’ve ever heard. of course, it’s familiar, you’d heard him playing the melody, or something similar, just a couple of years ago. it’s clear that he’d written it early in your relationship or been inspired by that time, and it’s adorable, but it pains you to hear how hopeful you both were. you genuinely thought you would last, get married, grow old together, and it seems that shawn did, too.

you know your boyfriend won’t like that you’re listening to shawn’s music, he hates shawn more than you ever could. you can’t even say you hate him, after all, he’s the one who fell out of love. you hate that you had to leave, you hate that you’ll never look at a piano the same way again, you hate that you’ve become the muse of his heartbreak songs; but you could never hate shawn, not when you still love him more than anything.

you think maybe you’ll never get over him, they say you’ll always remember your first love. but for now you just hope that you’ll be okay, you’ll be okay like you thought he would be. it’s too late to go back for him, run back into the apartment and beg to fix your relationship. he was supposed to be your forever, but you know that dream’s long gone, you woke up to hellish flames and the screaming chaos of your mind and reality. shawn’s too far gone, and you need to stop reaching.

you’re happy with your current relationship, aesthetically, anyway. he’s there for you, and he’s supportive, and he’s lovely. his job is secure, you know that you can call and know that “soon” means a few hours, not weeks. it’s a storybook romance, he’s perfect for you, and you’re perfect for him. it should be working, and it might be if your heart wasn’t so broken, but you still feel the butterflies start to fade, and the sparks starting to cool down.

part of you, somewhere deep down, knows that you and shawn could’ve figured something out, that you should’ve; but he didn’t fight for you when you left, and you didn’t speak up when you had the chance. you were only 16 when you fell in love, just high school lovers who thought you could be more. you were young, and reckless, and hopeful. everyone warned you that it wouldn’t last, but you wouldn’t listen.

you would lie under the stars, shawn would tell you that you were meant to be forever, that those very stars had aligned perfectly for you to meet. one of those nights, you were 18, you sat in the back of his jeep. “hey babe?” shawn said, looking over at you fondly.

“what’s up?”

“i think we have one of the greatest loves of all time, truly. like nobody’s perfect, but we’re perfect for each other, y’know?”

“yeah, yeah i do know, and i agree.” you smiled, then kissed him softly. in the back of his jeep, under the stars, pretending like you’d go down in history. and for that moment in time, you thought that maybe you would. 

***

your sister still asks if shawn will come back, she’s only a kid, she wouldn’t know better. but you know that he won’t, he can’t. he can write songs that’ll never see the light of day and text messages he’ll never send, but he can’t come back to you.

he can’t come back to your family, to those nights spent all together, teaching him how to make your favourite foods, dancing in the kitchen to songs he’d never heard. he can’t come back to sitting at the large, round table to eat the meal that he could never get quite right, but always tasted perfect because he had put so much love and care into trying.

you want to forget so desperately, you can’t take seeing his honey eyes staring back at you when you’re trying to fall asleep, the ache you feel when you sit down at a piano. he haunts you, living in the depths of your mind and the sharpness of your breath. you want to tell him to go away, leave you in peace. but he lingers, as does his power over you.

shawn’s trying to move on, too. but in the eyes of every one-night stand, every failed date, you’re right there. you’re not his, and he knows it all too well. he has to let go, he has to, but he doesn’t. he knows he broke your relationship, that he was just upset and confused and it ruined his life. he wants to text you, at least tell you he’s sorry.

but right now he’s staring up at the ceiling of his apartment, another woman beside him, curled up in his sheets. she’s beautiful, dark eyes to match the warm brown of her skin. she glows in the morning sunlight, long eyelashes fluttering slightly with every slow breath.

she’s kind, and warm, and loving. she’s supportive when shawn needs her, and she can take care of herself without his constant attention. from afar, she’s everything shawn needs and has ever needed, but to shawn, she’ll never be just right for him, because she’s not you.

he looks down at his shirtless chest, gently pulling the covers off his side of the bed. he pulls on his boxers, a pair of basketball shorts next. he looks back at her, watching as she opens her eyes slightly, a small yawn leaving her plump lips. 

she reaches over to the other side of the bed, but when she feels the empty space, she fully opens her eyes. shawn’s standing in the doorway of the bedroom, now fully-clothed, but exhausted.

“you good?” she asks, bringing the sheets up with her to cover her bare chest as she sits up against the headboard.

“i’m so sorry,” shawn chokes out. “i just can’t love you the way you want me to. i want to but i can’t-“ he shuts his eyes tightly, “-i can’t.”

“it’s her, isn’t it?”