#spnsf2017

I had no idea what to expect this time. I didn’t even know what I wanted to say to Jared until about 10 minutes beforehand. Well, actually, I knew exactly what I wanted to do and say and I had known for months … I was just too nervous to carry it out because of my fear of being questioned about it afterwards.

I knew this year that I wanted to genuinely tell Jared how much he means to me, or at least begin to scratch the surface. I knew that I wanted to tell him how he’s helped me through a lot of shitty times with his campaign work, his openness about his mental health struggles, and simply being the compassionate person he is. I wanted to tell him that he is my light, my rock, my inspiration. Most importantly, I wanted to make a promise.

In the ‘Notes’ app on my phone, I have a note from January 29, 2017 that says, “i really really want a photo op with jared padalecki of us with our pinkies wrapped around each other’s so i’ll have a reminder for myself that i pinky promised jared padalecki to always keep fighting against my struggles with anxiety and depression.” I went to the San Francisco convention with this heavy in my heart and prominent in my mind, but I knew if I did this my family and friends would ask me to explain. I didn’t want to explain it to them because I knew they weren't going to understand. I was afraid they’d call it dumb, pointless, a waste of money. I was scared they would tell me it doesn’t mean anything because he’s “just another superficial celebrity and doesn’t care about you.” But instead of listening to the anxious thoughts in my head, I decided to do what my heart most deeply desired.

So as I found myself in the same anxiety-provoking photo op line that I had been through one year before, I tried to prepare exactly how I wanted to voice my thoughts to Jared. The last thing I wanted to do was hold up the line and have everyone get mad at me, so I was trying to figure out how to make it quick and easy.

As the line moved along, I watched him interact with other members of the SPN Family just like me. I noticed (once again) how he seemed to tower over every single person he spoke to. I remember the girls in front of me being super nervous, not in the fangirling sort of way, but in the quiet-because-i-am-speechless-and-might-faint sort of way and an “I’m Alive” member distracting them from their nerves.

It was at this point that I started to tear up as I realized what I was about to do and I mentally kicked myself until I had my emotions under control.

I remember the door to outside was open, causing a strong draft to make its way through the room. I remember standing at the front of the line and feeling the butterflies in my stomach intensify by 100% and next thing I knew I was talking to the one person who gives me hope and makes me feel loved in this world.

He turned to me and flashed his beautiful smile to me just like he did one year prior, and instantly I felt relaxed once again. I felt calm, like this was the most normal thing in the world, and I felt happy. And out of nowhere, a small but sudden burst of confidence flowed through me and I found my voice. As I began talking he held onto both my hands and leaned down close to my face so that he could hear me over the blaring music in the room.

“I was wondering if for the photo op, we could be hugging but with our pinkies wrapped around each other because after all that I’ve been through, I want to promise you right now that I will always keep fighting,” I said.

I watched his facial features as he realized what I said; he pulled away. He bent down, looked at me in the eye and held his hand up for a high five. When our hands came in contact he interlaced his fingers with mine, as he said, “I am so proud of you.”

I smiled the biggest smile I had in months. We got into the pose, Chris took the photo, and Jared just embraced me. He hugged me tighter than I had ever been hugged before (actually, that’s debatable after the sandwich op I had with Jared and Jensen just an hour beforehand). I can’t describe his scent because I couldn’t think coherently enough in the moment to put words to it. I just remember feeling safe and comforted by it.

I said, “Thank you so much for all you’ve done because it’s helped me more than you could ever know.”

He pulled away, grabbed my hands again, and spoke to me while staring intently into my eyes, “It will get better, ok? You will be better. You just have to hang in there and keep fighting.”

“Okay,” I said, too enraptured to form any other words.

“Promise?” he asked.

I smiled, nodded, and held out my pinky again, “I pinky promise,” I said before he wrapped his pinky around mine.

I then made my way out of the room and reflected on everything that had happened, and everything I wanted to say at autographs later that night (that’s another story. a shorter story, but another story).

Now looking back, I think my only regret throughout all my encounters with Jared was that I never mentioned my name. I don’t know why but my heart just really wishes that I did.

Meeting him just really struck a chord with me and I’ve tapped a well in my heart that keeps overflowing and I can’t make it stop.