#spieling

I’ve been looking into what I’m actually going to do with my life lately and thinking about how much I’d like to work with an HR/AR/vegan organization and I ran across this Peta job and it occurred to me that they are the most funded AR organization out there (aka they have jobs) and wouldn’t it be nice to go away for a semester and travel with an AR group and give out info about veganism and I could actually have something AR job related on my resume. But then I’m like it’s Peta, would I even want to advertize having worked for them, and just the lack of criticalness where they juxtapose lynched black people with animal agriculture and god knows what else and they target college campuses (usually well off communities) encouraging veganism and idk.

I have judgey veganed and now I regret my decisions. Basically my coworker asked me outright if I was vegetarian and I didn’t feel comfy lying about it so I said I was vegan and continued to anxious word vomit and she said she was pescetarian vegetarian so I started spieling about how my mom used to be pescetarian before she went semi-vegan and how a lot of people think fish don’t feel pain so they’re often left out and she was like no I agree fish absolutely feel pain, and it was cordial and friendly at the time but now I’m realizing crap, I really wish I hadn’t gone there outloud.

My motivation is so low; I don’t know what’s wrong with me. For 2 months I’ve been having horrible anxiety and stress about school and each time I’m like tomorrow I’ll get my shit together, tomorrow, because I feel so exhausted and incapable and I just can’t focus and it’s at the point now where I’m just scared I’m going to fail my classes and even though it’s causing me such stress and self-loathing I also cannot get myself to care enough to commit myself because the feeling when I’m studying is this feeling of like bordem-lack-of-stimulation-watching-paint-dry-ness even though I’m theoretically interested in some of this and I really do not know what’s wrong with me and tl;dr you are supposed to have your weird breakdowns inbetween school sessions.

2 days until sept. 1st and we still haven't found an apartment.