#specsy

@theflyingromana IT’S MA BOIS.

Happiness is a choice. This statement might not make sense to you unless it already does, and to those of you for whom it doesn’t, you may already resent it. But hear me out...

People get kind of defensive when they hear a statement like that. I admit, I used to too. Especially when, in the thick of my depression, people would offer things like that up as unsolicited and entirely unhelpful "advice". It felt equal parts pointed, accusatory and dismissive -- like blame or even judgement. It was as though they thought I simply wasn’t trying hard enough, or like it was just that easy. I resented that they presumed to know anything about me or my struggles. I hated mindless platitudes like that. I’d see so-called “inspirational” quotes on my feed and think “oh, fuck off!” Life can't just be boiled down to a few easy phrases! And besides, if it were that easy, everyone would do it! I thought that people who believed those things lacked emotional depth or an understanding of true pain (which in hindsight was super arrogant!). It wasn’t until years later, and far removed from that context, that I was able to understand on my own and come to the same conclusion. 

The catalyst for this was something *so* small. I woke up one morning feeling extremely, inexplicably run down (“run down” being my sanitized code word for the dreaded depression-word). It signaled the beginning of yet another depressive episode, for which I have previously been diagnosed, and which I have battled for most of my teen and adult life. Beginning with feeling "run down", I would sink deeper into that familiar numb, empty, nothing feeling, and stay there for a while (sometimes longer). This time, I chose to acknowledge that I was tired, and that perhaps my mood was linked to that. I decided to take a nap, called that day a wash, and recommitted to trying to feel a little better tomorrow. When I woke up, I didn’t feel *as* bad. In fact, I felt much better! It sounds almost stupid, because it’s such a small, obvious little action. "Sleep when you’re tired?" What a novel idea! /sarcasm. Except it wasn't obvious or little to me because I usually didn't do that! I usually suffered it out, believing my tiredness to be merely a symptom of my mood, rather than a cause (in depression it can be both). In addition to not being able to sleep, poor quality sleep, or sleeping too long, I would usually stay up and overthink or ruminate. (Maybe as punishment? (more on that later). In doing so, I would feel worse and fall even deeper. Instead, this was the first instance in which I was able to successfully head it off at the pass. 

“You deserve to be happy. Now. Right now. Not tomorrow, or 20 years from now... Happiness is not some arbitrary future finish line.”

No, 'sleep' isn’t a magical cure for depression (though it is a contributing factor; and what therapists, doctors, and lay-people alike have been saying for years!). And it wasn’t happiness either... But it wasn’t unhappiness, which was something. That moment showed me the direct power of a choice I had made. I had actively stopped myself in the middle of a maladaptive pattern. If I could repeat that result with other mini-choices throughout the day, maybe I could have a good few hours? A good day? A good week? Repeat that long enough, and maybe the sum total of that could equal happiness?

I tried this “choice” thing in a few other areas of my life in the following days and weeks with things that would usually upset me or situations that caused me anxiety. "Instead of 'A', choose 'B'"-type scenarios. Some were more complicated than just choosing to sleep, but many weren’t. All had similar degrees of success, and I felt a bit better -- good, even! Granted, it wasn’t a grand, elated, overjoyed feeling of happiness that you see; but I did feel calmer, more present, even, and grounded. Remember in Mario when he gets hit by an enemy, how he turns transparent? That’s how I used to feel before: shrinking, impermanent, exposed; like the next defeat would end me. But now I was feeling more like solid-Mario. I felt more in control of my moods, and like I could handle scenarios, people, and problems as they came at me.

Happiness is a choice. Sometimes we're not ready to hear this. We don't believe it because we have a fundamental misunderstanding of what happiness actually is and looks like (hint: it’s not a feeling). We’ve conflated happiness with “joy” (a feeling) and "cheer" (a manifestation of joy); or else, have been conditioned to view it as 'sunshine and rainbows forever and a life devoid of conflict. This is not only totally unrealistic and impossible, it misses the point by miles. Other times, we’re not ready to even talk about being happy because we're not ready to be happy. We think we don’t deserve it, or that we are incapable of it. We're afraid because we think it won't last. It feels easier to be unhappy because happiness feels unfamiliar, to the point where we don’t trust it. Sometimes to be happy feels a constant upward struggle. It can even feel like a lie, or like something that was meant for others but not ourselves. We've learned to expect/accept unhappiness to the point where we almost embrace it; it's comforting because it's familiar. Maybe you’re scared of being happy because you don’t know who you’ll be if you’re not unhappy? 

Everybody deserves happiness. YOU deserve happiness. Lemme say this again slowly: YOU. DESERVE. TO. BE. HAPPY. Now. Right now. Not tomorrow, or 20 years from now. Not once your life is “perfect”. Not once you’ve bought this thing or gotten that award; gotten into this school, gotten that job, gotten approval from your parents, your peers, that guy/girl, your boss; not when you’ve achieved this status or married that person, had X kids, bought Y house, Z car, etc. Happiness is not some arbitrary future finish line. It’s immaterial, it’s internal, and it’s now.

I go through periods when I understand all of this with such acute clarity, as though I were sitting in the the eye of a storm. But somehow it becomes cloudy again, and the point escapes me entirely. I forget, and struggle, and despair again. It's a process. And for the reasons I’ve mentioned, it might seem easier to sit in unhappiness, but easier isn’t better.

Here’s a hard pill to swallow: happiness isn't something that just happens to you. You actively have to do stuff to make it happen (which is why it can be so uncomfortable. Because we have to overcome our natural inclination to want to NOT do stuff). I know we think some people are just born happy, but that’s the biggest myth out there. It's a skill that is honed over time. It takes effort and practice. You don't know where a person started out or where they are in their journey, so don't automatically discount the amount of work someone has put into getting to there.

It’s not about cockeyed optimism or “the power of positive thinking” either. Happiness isn’t some mantra you tell yourself over and over again until you start to believe it. And blind optimism can be just as dangerous and maladaptive as blanket negativity. Even though happiness and optimism are not equivalent or interchangeable, I do think that the effects of positivity can have an impact on happiness. Especially if you’re starting from a place of pure negativity. A common misconception is that happy people are shallow, stupid or incapable of emotional depth. Happiness is not the absence of sadness, deep thinking, or deep emotions. It is neither the absence of dark, nor pure light. You can still be happy while experiencing the entire range of emotions from anger to joy, and yes, even or profound sadness, sorrow and grief. Happiness is, in fact, a higher order state. It's a state of emotional discipline and mastery that allows you to govern emotions and thoughts, allowing you to feel and experience them fully, deeply, but without allowing them to control you. It’s acknowledging what you're feeling and why you’re feeling it, but choosing how it affects you; choosing not to stay there indefinitely. Emotions fluctuate and change depending on the situation, but like climate is to temperature, happiness is the steady state.

Happiness is a choice. It's one that you recommit to again and again, with all of the little micro decisions you will make by the minute, hourly, daily, etc. to ensure this. Think of it as a strategy, rather than an end goal; a mindset, and the constant choices that you make under this mindset in order to align yourself with it. It’s not passive: it takes work, emotional discipline, maturity, and self-knowledge. It comes from within. No one can give it to you, find it for you, tell you where to look for it, or when. It looks different to everybody. You can’t buy it, or fake your way into it. You won’t just wake up one day and feel it... (again, it's NOT a feeling). And if you’re not ready, that’s okay too! This is neither a criticism, nor a judgement. It's just information. I think it is worth taking some time on your own (or with a therapist) to find out why it is that you’re unhappy, why you feel like you’re not ready to be happy or why you don’t want to be happy. (I’ve mentioned some possible reasons above, but you might have others. No one can tell you). But when you are ready to start the process, begin. Then begin again. Make one small choice, then another. And then another. Over and over again, and keep going. It takes a little practice, but it's entirely manageable. But in my opinion, getting to the place where you can accept it for what it is (and what it isn’t), and then decide to choose it for yourself is one of the hardest things we will ever have to do.

At first, they'd hate each other, and hate working in a team. They'd have different approaches to solving crime.

Lisbeth would take tech-oriented/cyber crimes cases with a specific moral line, especially those to do with the abuse of women and girls. She wouldn't suffer Sherlock's ego, and would ghost on cases that didn't interest her. Although she's highly intelligent, she doesn’t do Sherlock's rapid observation deduction thing (which is more performative anyway). But she is meticulous.

Sherlock would throw his weight around trying to prove that he's the smartest person in the room. He'd inadvertently insult her (or sometimes deliberately, to get a reaction from her). There'd be friction at first, but they would challenge, and ultimately respect each other (and bond over a mean game of long-distance chess).

Because they're both kind of "larger than life" figures, I don't see them sharing the same story. There's not enough oxygen in the room, as it were. Or if they did, they’d have to have an impartial buffer, like Watson (but without the bias), who could interpret and humanize each to the other, and can act as a go-between when they’re being stubborn. Otherwise, I think the two could be those interesting consultants that people like them always have in their orbits, to pull out at the 11th hour, for those wonderful hail Mary passes. How often have you seen them say something like "I have a friend in [London] who might be able to help." They could each be that friend!

Also, it would be interesting to see the nuances in their different social disorders, and how the two would relate to one another.

I was watching an old episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer a few days ago, S3E18, “Earshot”, and I heard something disturbing. In the ep. Buffy accidentally absorbs the powers of a demon and gains the ability to read minds. She overhears a plot to kill students in the cafeteria the following day, but doesn’t know who the thought belongs to. Moreover, she can’t do anything about it because she's debilitated by the weight of everyone’s problems in her head (like a migraine). Because of this, the Scoobies are on the case! Here’s the exchange that took place between them:

Xander: I’m still having trouble with the fact that one of us is going to gun everybody down for no reason.

Cordelia: (sarcastically) Yeah, because THAT never happens in American high schools.

Oz: It’s bordering on trendy at this point.

For those who may not be aware, a little context: this particular episode had to do with the potential mass murder of high school students on campus. The original air date was supposed to be April 21, 1999, but it got postponed until Sept 21st, 1999 because the school shooting at Columbine High School in Littleton, CO happened on April 20th, 1999. But the episode must have been filmed at least a month or so earlier, and there were school shootings before then (thought never before on that scale).

The Scoobies later discover ::::SPOILER ALERT:::: that the would-be killer is the lunch lady, who is about to pour rat poison into the food because she hates kids. Its unrelated to the shooting, but is still related to mass killing of students, and was therefore inappropriate to air at the time. Also, a red herring in the same episode is when Buffy tackles a kid who brings a gun to school in the clock tower. But it turns out that he wants to kill himself, not other people (which she averts).  

GUYS, WHAT IS HAPPENING??? This episode was made in 1999(!!!). That’s almost 20 years ago!! I’m horrified that 1) school shootings have been happening for over 20 years, and 2) in ALL this time, people STILL haven’t gotten their sh^t together enough to pass common sense gun reform. Wtf???

This should fill people with white-hot, blinding rage!!! Over two decades of their children’s bodies isn’t enough to pry their vice grip off their guns? Even as the world crumbles around them? 

What’s to be done? Well, the people who count on things staying EXACTLY the same, as they have done, also count on people who are trying to change it losing interest, the way people do when the news changes and another crazy thing happens. We can NOT let that happen! If they’re highly organized, we must be equally organized. If they’re highly focused, we have to be even more so. We have to be in it for the long haul. So if you can, please go to the march tomorrow, or a march in your city. There is strength in numbers. And while we’re at it, marching is great, but they expect people to do the bare minimum- a Facebook post, march and forget… But FUCK THAT!

GET OUT AND VOTE! WRITE LETTERS, BOYCOTT THEIR PRODUCTS AND THEIR BUSINESSES! TALK TO THEM IN THE ONLY LANGUAGE THEY UNDERSTAND: MONEY. GET THE FACTS AND CONFRONT THEM ON THEIR HYPOCRISY AND SELF-SERVING VIEWS. CALL THEM OUT ON SM.

I’ve been feeling bummed about school starting again, wondering how I’m going to go through yet another year, with nothing but work work work to look forward to…

And then I remember there are new episodes of Broad City, South Park, Doctor Who Christmas special (with a brand new Doctor!), Brooklyn Nine-Nine, The Walking Dead, Z-Nation, and (if I can get to it) Kingsman 2 on the horizon! 

(Yes, tv and movies are my refuge- don’t judge me). 

It might seem trivial, but when you start to feel run down or burned out, that’s when it’s especially important to remember self-care. Get enough sleep, eat nutritious food (sugar, caffeine, and fat can comfort in the short-term, but at best, they don't help, and at worst, make you feel worse in the long run). Take time out to do things that you enjoy, whether it’s watching tv, hanging out with friends and family, taking a walk, a diy spa day, going to the movies, or writing). Do whatever feels right and makes sense to you!

Me:I'm not very good at making friends at school.

Male school friend: It's easy! Just pretend that you don't know what's going on.

Me: (ironically). 🙃 How do you do that??? 🙃

Friend: Just play dumb!

Me: