#special entry

i just discovered you’re anonymous blog.

you’re so easy, my love. you hardly hid it from me, didn’t you? you want me to discover the thoughts you’re hiding from me. i hope it. i hope it, because it was just. too. easy.

i never wanted to intrude, but i am allured by your sweet darkness. it’s addicting. it finds me.

i’ll leave my breadcrumbs, for you, puppy. find me and i’ll dub you detective.

Maybe we drifted apart because I had too many secrets that I couldn’t tell you.

Maybe we drifted apart because I realized that you deserve better people then someone like me.

Maybe we drifted apart because I found people whom I can talk to without feeling threatened, or scared, or even judged.

Maybe we drifted apart because I was too afraid to tell you the truth.

Maybe we drifted apart because the competition got too intense between both of us.

Maybe we drifted apart because as you grew closer to him, I realized that you two would look better than you and me.

Maybe we drifted apart because you were happier with them, and I got envious that I couldn’t get you to smile like that anymore.

Maybe we drifted apart because I was scared.

Maybe we drifted apart because I was selfish.

Maybe we drifted apart because I ran out of stories to tell you.

this friday, i decided that i needed names for my chapters. i wasn’t sure how to name them, so i started by just reading through each chapter to remind myself what the main idea was. as it turned out, i figured out a formula. basically, i just snatch a line of dialogue from the chapter and make it the title. it’s been working surprisingly well so far, and it was also kind of fun to read through everything. obviously i’m not just going to keep them to myself, so here they are:

01: She Doesn’t Know Anything

02: A Preliminary Sense

03: The Proper Procedure is to Keep Your Mouth Shut

04: This Is Not High School

05: No One Wants Weapons

06: Smooth Sailing

07: I See Some of You Are Surprised

08: The Lion’s Den

i’ve noticed recently that smoking cigarettes on screen and in literature is very symbolic. a good writing technique is to reveal a character’s traits by their words and actions, instead of simply stating them. if you want to show that a character is nonchalant about something, or maybe somewhat tortured, an easy way to do that is to have them be smoking.

cigarettes are this motif that’s pretty much become a shortcut. it’s a lot easier to say a character “walks out to the balcony and lights a cigarette, leaving their partner asleep in bed” than to try and describe how or why the character is emotionally turbulent. and, to be honest, it’s more elegant too. there’s a reason that people use symbolism, and that’s because it does it’s job.

but it also makes things hard. i realized this the other day, when i was picturing a scene between two characters, and thought “well, they’d have to be smoking cigarettes or something.” i did a double take, though, because my characters don’t smoke, and i’ve never even touched a cigarette. the reason i had that thought was because i’ve seen smoking represent a certain mood and set of feelings in other media.

the title of the book is giving me trouble. this book is like my baby, and i want to give it a good name, but the name also has to evoke the story and entice people to read it.

the thing is, i’m not really sure what the core theme of the book is, which is one of the reasons i’m doing the big rewrite. basically the plot is

A young adult novel where a young girl discovers and is coerced into her family’s history of espionage. They worked with the Last Outright Secret Society, but as Chloe moves through her training and first mission, she begins to suspect that there might be more sinister secrets involved in this organization than just attempts to keep it out of the public eye.

so i have some long ~artsy~ names like “shadows hide the truth” or “truth in shadow” but to be honest, i don’t really like them. something lighter could be in the realm of “codename: it’s complicated” which i like in theory because it references the agency’s treachery as well as chloe’s social life, but i’m not sure that’s the tone i want

Don’t laugh pero share ko lang na first time ko sa divi kahapon and shoot legit nga ‘yung part na You’ll never see the same store twice.

Almost. HAHAHAHA.

Ganito kasi ‘yun, naghahanap kami ng merch na pwedeng ipamigay sa Christmas Party. And since almost all-girls na sila (except sakin na yours truly bida at naiwang lalaki), plano sanang flower crown. But gusto kasi namin ng magagamit in the future so sabi namin notebook na lang.

Edi ‘yun, hanap-hanap kami. May nakita kaming mga stores na nagtitinda ng ganun. Palipat-lipat kami kasi ‘yung mga una naming nakita, halos kapareho na nung binigay ng jrnsoc earlier this year.

So ‘yun hanap kami - until may nakita kaming isang store na nagtitinda din ng notebooks + may attached calcu + sticky notes + ballpen. Ayun na sana, fam. Kaso iniwan muna namin para humanap nung gadget na hinahanap ni vp na maganda daw.

So, ikot kami. Parang electronic device siya na naka-clip na may attached na ilaw for reading sana. Eh, sa wala kaming nakita. So, bumalik kami sa store na super mega notebook na tinitinda.

Eh, fuck, hindi na namin mahanap.

So kumain muna kami, and then umikot ulit.

Shet, nagpaikot-ikot kami sa divi. Since ako nga, first time, si Vice, di memorize ‘yung mall kaya tawang-tawa ako nung parang paikot-ikot na lang kami sa kahahanap. ‘Yung isang malaking teddy bear na brown, pinangalanan naming Ryan (named after dun sa naissue kay Vice), and ‘yung mga set of ballpens sa isang store pinangalanan namin after our Stat prof-slash-adviser.

Edi ayun, si Ryan, binalikan namin paulit-ulit na kami dun na pati 'yung nagtitinda sa kanya napansin na yata hahahahahaha

Pati dun sa tindahan ng ballpen.

Until sa nakita namin ‘yung mga cowboy hats. 

Sabi ko: “Wait, besh, naaalala ko ‘to.”

So, si Vice, lumingon sa kaliwa, and nakita namin si Ate na nagtitinda nung notebook.

‘Yung tuwa namin aBOT LANGIT J U S Q

Si ate nagtitinda na-overwhelm yata saming dalawa kaya mukhang gulat na gulat nung nakita ulit kami. And I don’t think na may pake siya, pero ‘yun kinwento pa rin namin sa kanya ‘yun adventure. Hahahaha.

So ayun nga, bumili kami nung notebooks, nag-plano for Christmas Party, then umuwi na ng mga around 7 something.