#speccspeaks

My dad told me to always expect and plan for the worst to happen,

It’s not often but occasionally, more frequently now, I feel this twinge of regret mixed with confusion? And a thought, I miss having friends, and usually it oasses quicker than a thought more emerges but recently I’ts been lasting long enough to remember memories and see groups of friends and feel nostalgia of what used to be in my life, but in the same thought there is the knowledge that it’s either not the right time, or not really me, because in all honesty I’ts hard even being around others, just simply being. A viscious spiral that entrails nostalgia, nothing new but also surpirsing in the nature of how it arises, and how long it lasts. What walls it cracks it cracks on the way out.

I got a biopsy on my neck today at 2pm and it really hurts RIGHT NOW, is that normal? (It’s currently 11:36pm) It was a needle biopsy, but turning my head or touching it really hurts, also absolutely everything about that appointment was scary and triggering, but the doctor was really nice and sweet.

Growing up in pain silently then going into the world thinking the toxicity was normal, only to be slapped in the face beaten the fuck down and mentally unable to cope with change, it’s not their fault, they contributed, but you’re not a kid anymore and their not legally your guardian anymore, the love seemed to fade as soon as I moved out, as if the unconditional love always had an end date that I didn’t know about. And now i feel like I’m crazy for wanting to be a kid again, I never felt like I was to begin with,

this is truly what it feels like