I need to vent for a sec.
I want nothing more in this life than to become a parent. It's been the one thing I've always known I want out of life, and as I got older, I'm happy I learned why I want kids: to pass on the love I have in my heart to a child, to help a precious little person learn and grow. Sometimes I feel like it's the only reason I even want a relationship at all. I've daydreamed about a partner, sure, and being happy with them, but I've daydreamed a lot more about being a parent, and all of those little fantasies included me having no partner in sight.
I'm not opposed to the idea of having a partner one day. I think I would be nice. But dating and romantic love have never been my main priority in life.
I just want a baby. I have a plan in action for being able to do so in a way I feel is best for me and my future family (which includes becoming physically stronger and healthier, moving out on my own, and becoming more financially stable. I'm also looking at side gigs to be able to bring in a little extra money). My mom is super supportive of my decision and talks with me about names and local daycares and the donor I've found. Two of my closest friends have shown their support, and while they're married and don't want kids of their own, they're happy for me. Even my pastor at church is supportive and excited for me and has even been offering little bits of parenting advice here and there if it comes up in conversation, and just general words of encouragement.
My best friend . . . not so much. And it kind of really hurts, more than I thought it would.
I knew there would be people who don't agree with my choice. I knew that at least one of my friends wouldn't exactly be thrilled with the idea. But I hoped that after explaining my stance on things and reassuring them that this is what I genuinely, truly want in life that they would at least accept it. But they haven't. Even after I explained.
And now I've gotten myself into a pickle. A couple of months back, I planned to go to college. But currently, I'm having a bit of a career crisis in that I don't actually know what I want to do with my life. So, I've privately decided that I'm not going to spend that much money on a program that I'm not sure about and give myself time to think about it some more. I don't know how long that will take, or if I'll even go to college at all, but due to some personal life circumstances I'm happy to have even graduated high school, let alone thought about college for more than a fleeting, "Oh, that program would be nice, then I could be x. I used to want to be x when I was little."
So, back when college was on the table, I put baby plans on hold to focus on my degree. And my best friend, who I love more than words can say, looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Promise me that you aren't going to have a baby until after you graduate college and have your career started."
And I promised. And now I feel stuck.
They have no idea that I've decided not to attend classes this fall. They were so excited for me to go that I'm afraid of letting them down. I'm even more afraid of telling them that while I probably won't conceive this year, if I still want to become a single parent by choice by my 25th birthday, then I'll be going ahead with my plans.
They're afraid for me, and I get it. People hear "single parent" and a lot of times immediately think of poor, struggling families who have had rocky relationships between the parents of the child. There's a lot of heartache that people assume comes from being a single parent by defult, and that's what they voiced to me, clear as day over the phone when I told them about my desire to be a parent last year.
"It's hard being a single parent." It's hard being a parent even if you're in a relationship. "Babies are so expensive." They are, which is why I'm holding off on trying to conceive until I have more stable employment and a possible side gig. "Mutual Friend just had her baby and she's struggling so much doing it on her own." I sympathize with her. Having a baby unplanned is one of the most difficult things someone can do. But my baby will be planned. Mutal Friend only have nine months to prepare--I'm giving myself two years to save money, get my own place, lay the path of my parenthood journey down where I think it should go. "And we're still so young! I'm not ready to stop hanging out with my besties and going out yet." I'm not trading in time with my friends for a child. A baby is absolutely going to demand more of my time and attention, but I'll still be making time for my friends and family. I'm lucky for my mom--she's already offered to babysit so I can go out every once in a while with my friends.
I just keep replying everything they said in my head when I think about it, and why they couldn't understand where I'm coming from, too. Like I said, I know they're just worried about me. They're my best friend, has been since we were fifteen years old. I know they're only trying to look out for me and that they loves me no matter what. But now I'm anxious to tell them that I've gone back to my original plans. They're so opposed to it, and I can tell they tried to be supportive if I brought it up before, but the smile would vanish from their face and their mood would shift. I know them, and I know their cues: they don't like this.
And honestly, that's okay! We, even as best friends, are allowed to have different opinions on things. I just wish this difference of opinion wasn't about something so important to me, you know?
Are there any other single parents by choice who have dealt with anything similar? How did you handle it? I'm really not trying to change their opinion, just sort out my own emotions and figure out how to move forward with this to start my family without guilt. I know they aren't trying to guilt me, it's just hard wanting to do something that someone I'm so close with doesn't want the same thing for me. Any advice would be appreciated.
Okay, vent over.
