#sparkthoughts

Home.

"What is a place that you call home?"

I was asked some months ago.

To answer that inquiry I must determine

what counts as a home and what merely as a dwelling place?

Is a home somewhere you stay?

somewhere to live while you slowly decay?

Or is a home filled with laughter and joy?

With the newfound happiness of a fancy new toy?

If the answer is the latter, then what else can I say,

then "I don't think I call anywhere a home, either way."

For I don't hear laughter in either place.

I don't hear happiness no matter where I stay.

for whether I stay in the place my family owns

or the house they placed me in far down the road,

the only place that feels like home

is those fleeting moments I feel safe within a voice's tone.

But those belong to either place,

in fact, they don't really belong to any at all.

they belong to the people that live outside those houses' walls.

They belong to people who would answer if I called.

And so when someone asks me what place I call home,

I must simply tell them "There is no place I call home.

"my heart does not lie in one place or another,

"Rather it travels along with me wherever I discover,

"the closest friends someone could have."

And though this thought tears my soul

I must just understand that this is how it goes.

For a girl who finds no home within a place,

I got asked a question recently-

That is "why did you change your name?" (paraphrasing)

And it sort of caught me off guard. I do not go by my given name, and I do not really introduce myself with it either. But it's not a deadname. It's just another name. It's what I'm called at home, and by a few teachers, and by my grandparents and cousins.

It's a name. It is my name, I suppose. But it's not the one I go by.

And then someone asked me why.

I'd never thought about it. The name I go by is a 'girl' name- so it shouldn't concern those who think that changing your name means your trans.

I go by Lizzy in day to day life- its connected to my middle name, but also just something I like. I think I may have begun to like it when I grew up watching LDShadowlady. Then I tried having people call me it... and I liked it.

Online I go by Sparks/Spark (or Lizzy). I think I started liking the name due to a book I read- one that is called Bitterblue (by Kristin Cashore). So sum it up- the main character is a princess-turned-queen at a young age. To escape the castle, at night she starts venturing out into the town under the name "Spark". And She's so much happier there.

Finally.. I think overall, Me changing my name is a marker of me growing up. I do not like the experiences I had when I went by my given name. So I changed it.

Hello- this post is quite unlike my normal content, so skip it if you'd like, or feel free to discuss!

People are a product of their environment. But there is a chance for change.

I can explain to you, looking at their life, why the abuser has the tendency to abuse. That however, does not excuse them abusing others.

A contemplation on my younger self-

I've gotten less angry as I've grown.

Some things suck that happen to me, I'll admit that.

But I can't blame them forever.

Sure, that guy did some questionable things- but I did lie about my age. To him, I was another kid his age. What he did was theoretically bad... but there's nothing I can do to fix that. All I can do is understand how it effects me today, and work past that.

I do still blame that other guy. He knew how old the people in that server were. But there's nothing I can do about that now. He should've been a better person. But he wasn't. And there is nothing I can do about that but move on.

I honestly respect the group of teenagers who ditched me when they figured out my age at that time. I was so angry at the time- but they were right. A group of 16-18 year olds shouldn't have an 11 year old in it. I'm proud of them.

And for once, I'm proud of myself.

I've grown. I haven't been able to see change as I've grown, but looking back, I've come so far. Younger me was just that- younger. A child. And children do dumb things.

There's no room for "I was so dumb"'s. Because that's just it. kids are kinda dumb sometimes. And then we grow up. And we get better at life and all those other things like internet safety.

33) Do friends and family know that you write fanfics?

Friends yes, family, kind of.  

Answered 41 here! 

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40) Do you have any rituals before uploading a fic? 

No. I mean, everything is on a schedule so, no. I suppose I check to make sure every things appropriately tagged so networks don’t find a reason to not reblog, but once I’ve queued it, or scheduled it, unless I’m updating the “previous” link, I don’t’ think too much about it. I do check repeatedly to make sure it’s scheduled to go out on time, but I’m relaxing more with that. 

41) What is something you don’t like about your writing? 

I fucking hate tags. Tagging shit is terrible.

I also hate…. No that’s it. I mean – things I don’t like are different from insecurities… bc I have a thousand writing insecurities.  

Oh smut. I don’t think I love any smut I’ve written with maybe 3 exceptions that I can think of clearly in my mind… The rest I hate. Oh – descriptions of kissing and how I use the phrase “okay” and “so,”. 

42) Rudest review?

I’ve had 3 comments on my blackness – which, how dare you and fuck off.

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48) What is your favorite sentence that you’ve used in a fanfic?

This is too hard. Like way too hard. 

Exile

          “It was how he looked at me, like I could catch the stars, how he wiped my tears, how he held me when I was unworthy of the forgiveness he offered, without hesitation, regardless of the crime.” Exile          “I just want him to stop looking at me like that,” She tells him, Timothée’s eyes still at the front of her mind.          “Like what?”          “Like I still hold his future,” She whispers.

peace 

         “Monster or not, you kissed my cheek and sent me to the slaughter!” 

The Word of Your Body           “God had smote the Egyptians for worshipping their golden calf, and here Namjoon was, on his knees, singing exaltations to your growing form.” 

Be the One          “What if it was redundant to be both black and joyful? What if it was redundant to be black and intelligent? What if it was redundant to be both black, booked and busy? What would we do then? What would our ancestors, the Kings and Queens, the business owners, the doctors and healers and educators, who were stolen to build this appropriated land, do then?” 

“He kind of looks like he’s found the Big Dipper for the first time? That’s how I feel about him.” 

Mirrorball “Why do you still believe in them? After everything they’ve put you through?”

49) Where do you draw inspiration from?

Music mostly, and then my whole brain

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22) Do you listen to music during your writing process? What music do you listen to while you’re writing? 

Oh – the playlists… 

Constantly listening to music or podcasts or watching TV. 

I think I wrote a large chunk of BTO while watching Ugly Betty. Obviously Survivor... You can tell what I’m watching based on the references that are included. I have 96,000 playlists, and they venture. My general rule when writing fanfic is that I can’t write about fictionalized people when I’m listening to them…. So no BTS, unless it’s like… a Jimin solo track and I’m writing Jungkook. But my playlists change seasonally or based on my mood. That’s also why there are so many fucking Olivia Rodrigo lyrics thrown in…

27) Do you take requests? 

LOL – no one has requests so, no. But if someone asked, I probably would. I love a writing challenge. Give me parameters, give me guidelines, I will deliver, or let it be free and loosey-goosey and I will also deliver.

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