#spacepoet

The look in Pam's eyes here.... My god, it speaks to me. She is so in love. And she is tip toeing around this feeling.

She doesn't want to scare off Ellen, so she wraps up this feeling into an idea of being different when they're with each other and asks her if it scares her and holy shit, it doesn't! Ellen doesn't even hesitate to say it doesn't scare her.

I think it's the first time she's thinking to herself, "oh my god, I think she actually loves me too!"

So on the brink of this relationship going off the rails, she's got nothing left to save it for and she tells Ellen she loves her. And what does she get in response? Nervous vacant eyes from a woman shutting down emotionally in a very public place.

You think that's tough enough when you put your heart out there, but then...

When she finally hears Ellen say it…

She says it to her fucking beard on national television.

See, she never got to hear Ellen say how she’s in love with her too.

No, that admission died with Deke.

Pam put her heart on the line, gave Ellen four of the best years of her life and within an instant it was gone. One conversation over a bar and her whole life derailed. She put it all out there and Ellen left her hanging.

It’s no wonder it took her a long time to write about it. A love that could destroy you that you’d (obviously) fall right back into again.

Sometimes I can’t help but shake my head at Ellen. Not mad at her, per se, but utterly heart broken on Pam’s behalf.

As much as Ellen’s heart stopped for those ten years, I don’t think she ever really understood the pain she put Pam through. The rejection.

I'll be honest I'm getting a little antsy at this point in the hiatus, so I've decided I'll just make my own s5, with Pam and Ellen.

Ellen picked at the food on her plate with her fork before summoning the courage to ask, ‘How would you feel about me going to Mars?’

‘Retirement’s really getting to you, isn’t it?’ Pam joked but she wiped the smile off her face when she saw Ellen’s expression. ‘Wait, seriously?’

‘I got a d-mail today from Alia Kawar’s office. She wants to offer me the role of UN special envoy for Mars, in light of the growing independent movement.’ 

No longer hungry herself, Pam set down her cutlery onto the plate with a clatter. 

‘No. You can tell the secretary general your wife says no.’ 

‘Pam, can’t we at least discuss this?’ 

‘There’s nothing to discuss, Ellen.' As if to prove this point she pushed out her chair, taking their plates and retreated to the kitchen.

'Pam,' Ellen hastily followed.

Pam stopped what she doing, turning to look into Ellen's eyes. 'I nearly lost you in space once, I can’t go through that again. Not at our age.’ 

‘Nothing’s like that’s going to happen.’ 

‘Don’t say that!’ She exclaimed, not wishing to tempt fate. ‘You of all people should know that.’ 

also Ricky x Noel > Everything else in the world